You May Be Dealing With A Narcissist If…

Cyndi — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 15:39:01 +0000

“Since [narcissists] deep down, feel themselves to be faultless, it is inevitable that when they are in conflict with the world they will invariably perceive the conflict as the world’s fault. Since they must deny their own badness, they must perceive others as bad. They project their own evil onto the world. They never think of themselves as evil, on the other hand, they consequently see much evil in others.” – M. Scott Peck

Narcissistic personality disorder symptoms may include:

Believing that you’re better than others

Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness

Exaggerating your achievements or talents

Expecting constant praise and admiration

Believing that you’re special

Failing to recognize other people’s emotions and feelings

Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans

Taking advantage of others

Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior

Being jealous of others

Believing that others are jealous of you

Trouble keeping healthy relationships

Setting unrealistic goals

Being easily hurt and rejected

Having a fragile self-esteem

Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional

Although some features of narcissistic personality disorder may seem like having confidence or strong self-esteem, it’s not the same. Narcissistic personality disorder crosses the border of healthy confidence and self-esteem into thinking so highly of yourself that you put yourself on a pedestal. In contrast, people who have healthy confidence and self-esteem don’t value themselves more than they value others.

When you have narcissistic personality disorder, you may come across as conceited, boastful or pretentious. You often monopolize conversations. You may belittle or look down on people you perceive as inferior. You may have a sense of entitlement. And when you don’t receive the special treatment to which you feel entitled, you may become very impatient or angry. You may also seek out others you think have the same special talents, power and qualities — people you see as equals. You may insist on having “the best” of everything — the best car, athletic club, medical care or social circles, for instance.

But underneath all this grandiosity often lies a very fragile self-esteem. You have trouble handling anything that may be perceived as criticism. You may have a sense of secret shame and humiliation. And in order to make yourself feel better, you may react with rage or contempt and efforts to belittle the other person to make yourself appear better. - Mayo Clinic

Ever dealt with anyone who encompasses some, or all, of these traits? I have. Well, let me back-track a little. I am not a psychologist, just a psychology student who has studied this disorder. I am not qualified to diagnose anyone with anything. However, I do believe that I repeatedly encounter folks who probably could be diagnosed with NPD or at the very least, have many of the symptoms.

Narcissus or Narkissos (Greek: ?????????) in Greek mythology was a hero from the territory of Thespiae in Boeotia who was renowned for his beauty. In the various stories he is exceptionally cruel, in that he disdains those who love him. As divine punishment he falls in love with a reflection in a pool, not realizing it was his own, and somehow dies out of frustration. – Wikipedia

In my experience, many of us may, from time to time, identify with one or two of the characteristics listed. However, I can immediately think of at least four people in my life (past or present) who seem to meet the vast majority of these symptoms consistently.

Narcissists do not see other people as individuals, separate from themselves. We are simply mirrors in which they can look to reinforce their false senses of superiority and grandiosity. We are not in their lives to be loved, only to reflect back onto them that which they want to see in themselves. We are mirrors.

If you are successful, then they are pleased because they are associated with a successful person. If you say and do all the “right” things, they are pleased because you are reflecting the image they are trying to project. If you make a “mistake”, say or do the “wrong” thing, watch out. Their wrath knows no bounds.

My relationships with Narcissists have always had a roller-coaster quality to them. The highs were great but the lows were devastating. They literally suck the life out of you, drain you and then discard you when they find a bigger, better or more flattering mirror. They may keep you on the bench, throwing you little nuggets to keep you in their game, just in case they need you again sometime.

This is difficult to digest and believe about someone you love. It sounds so outrageous. Nonetheless, it’s true. Emotionally investing in a Narcissist is painful and degrading. If you do come to realize their flaws, and it is tough to do because you spend so much time blaming yourself for the problems in the relationship, it’s still extremely difficult to un-hook.

Trying to figure them out is futile. Trying to understand why they came to be this way is pointless. You will only find yourself focusing all of your attention on them, feeling sorry for them, blaming yourself and getting in deeper and deeper. Try pointing out their faults and you will really feel their wrath. That wrath can range from manipulation and blatant lies to verbal and/or physical abuse.

I have found that the only way for me to deal with a Narcissist is to avoid them at all costs. When cutting them out of my life completely is impractical or impossible, I maintain as much distance as possible and keep the relationship on a superficial level, so as to not become emotionally invested.

Some online resources:

All About Him

Sanctuary for the Abused

Recommended Reading (yes, I’ve read them all):