And therein lies my biggest problem…trying to quiet the ocean by pressing upon the waves.   

I’ve spent my entire life attempting to avoid, control and even anesthetize my own feelings.  I grew up surrounded by crashing waves of chaos and insanity.  I taught myself how to temporarily escape it but never how to just dive in, feel it and let it go.  It was too much for me then.  As an adult, I kept up the same old worn-out, tired and useless means of attempting to grab some temporary peace whenever I could.

I grew up on a roller coaster that I had no control over and from which I was not permitted to get off.  It took a huge toll and caused a lot of pain, but it feels familiar.  While I feel the agonizing effects of anxiety and turmoil, and don’t like the way it feels, in it’s absence I still recreate it.  I mostly do this in my own head with excessive worrying.  I do enjoy the rare moments of true peace that I sometimes allow myself to experience but it feels strange, as if something is “off”, or about to happen.  So, I start worrying about what that “thing” could be and the possible negative consequences.  Once that train starts up the hill, I don’t usually realize it until after it’s already over the top and plummeting towards the ground.  By then it’s too late and that old familiar knot in my stomach and feelings of helplessness and sadness are back.  It doesn’t feel good but it’s what I know.

Instead of turning to others (mostly my poor husband) when I’m feeling this way or focusing on a distraction, I need to realize that I’m solely responsible for creating the chaos, face it, feel it, and stop it.  There is no real chaos.  It’s all a fabrication as a result of my own compulsive thoughts.

Well, sometimes in life there is real chaos.  There are problems, emergencies and actual causes for alarm.  And you know what?  That’s when I’m at my best.  Back when I had an actual career in the mortgage industry, I managed an entire branch.  In addition to all the different personalities and each of my staff’ members’ own conflicts to deal with, there was always some sort of corporate, political nonsense going on and always, always, customers with loans that needed immediate attention.  It was usually pretty intense.  The busier and more intense it got, the better I felt.  I didn’t realize it at the time, but looking back I know it’s true.  It felt familiar.  It’s what I knew.  It also served the dual purpose of distracting me from the mess that was my personal life at the time.

When I was unemployed, I worried about finding a job.  Once I found a job, I lamented the loss of my free time.  Now that I’m working, I worry about losing my job.

My personal life is in much better shape and I have a job.  There really is no turmoil, chaos or actual reason for any anxiety.  I still manage to find ways to create it.  Yesterday, due to several events at work, I spent the better part of the day worrying.  I called hubby and talked to him about it, generously spreading my worry and stress to him.  It was all for nothing.  None of the things that I worried about happened.  And when I say worry, I mean that I got myself all worked up.  By the time I called hubby I was feeling incredibly anxious.  All for nothing.  Even if what I was worrying about had come to pass, the worrying wouldn’t have stopped it or solved anything at all.  It was never within my control to begin with anyway.

Worrying is my way of attempting to anticipate and fix potential problems so that I can avoid feeling pain.  The thing is…it doesn’t work and actually creates it’s own painful feelings.  It’s a vicious cycle and is completely irrational and self-defeating.  I have to re-train myself to notice the compulsive thoughts when they start, stop them, and allow myself to just dive in and feel whatever feelings come as a result of actual events, past and present.  I think it’s time to get off this roller coaster and ride only those that are fun. 

Thanks for stopping by! 

My weekend alone has been fabulous and it’s about to come to an end.  Hubby and the kids will be here when I get home from work tomorrow.  It’s almost 10:30pm and I don’t want to go to bed even though I have to get up at 5:30am.  I don’t want it to end.  Just a day or two more would be great.

On the other hand, I do miss them and am starting to feel a little bit lonely.  I miss the pitter-patter of little feet.  Well, ok, they aren’t so little anymore so it’s more like a herd of elephants, but you get the gist.  I miss spooning.  I miss hubby making breakfast in the morning.  I miss hugs and kisses.  I miss excited stories about the goings-on at the neighborhood park.  I miss talking to all three of them about….everything that we talk about.  I just miss their company.

It’s quiet here without them.  I like quiet.  I haven’t even turned on the TV since I turned it off when they left Friday night.  I’ve only listened to the radio or my iPod in the car.  It’s peaceful.  It’s not something I would want forever, but brief doses of it are heavenly.

Short of telling them to get out every other weekend or so for a minimum of 24 hours, I don’t know how to obtain this on a regular basis.  And that just seems….well, rude.  How do you busy moms who need alone time like I do find the time and is it often enough?  How do you strike a balance between your needs for alone time and family time?

Thanks for stopping by!