So Much More Than A Mom » NPD

I See Crazy People

Cyndi — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 17:57:04 +0000

“Charisma is the numinous aura around a narcissistic personality. It flows outward from a simplicity or unity of being and a composure and controlled vitality. There is gracious accommodation, yet commanding impersonality. Charisma is the radiance produced by the interaction of male and female elements in a gifted personality. The charismatic woman has a masculine force and severity. The charismatic man has an entrancing female beauty. Both are hot and cold, glowing with presexual self love.” — Camille Paglia

I’d like to preface this post by stating that only a qualified professional can actually diagnose narcissistic personality disorder or any other disorder for that matter. Having said that, I believe that I have known several people who would most likely be diagnosed with NPD or at the very least, exhibit several of the diagnostic criteria. This belief has been confirmed by speaking with qualified professionals about the behaviors of these individuals along with extensive studying and research on my part. I am not a qualified professional myself.

Based on what I know, I can recognize red flags and possible narcissistic traits fairly quickly these days. That’s good for me because it used to be way too easy to get sucked into their BS before I became aware of their tactics.

Now that I am aware, I can spot them a mile away, and let me tell you, they are everywhere. To clarify, I’m sure not all of them would be diagnosed with full blown NPD. However, there are a lot of people with enough significant traits to be considered narcissists and worthy of avoidance whenever possible.

I know of one person who I am 99.9% sure would be diagnosed with full-blown NPD if he would ever set foot in a therapist’s office for even one session and speak honestly. Of course, that is an unthinkable scenario for a narcissist so it will never happen.

Others I know have enough traits to raise several red flags for me and I avoid them like the plague when possible, or at least keep as much distance as possible.

I was recently listening to an acquaintence tell all that went on during her marriage, divorce and the aftermath. Her ex’s behavior sounded like that of a textbook narcissist. I asked if their marriage counselor had ever suggested that he may be one. She said no but that she had done her own research and believes that he is one too. I asked tons of questions. The answers were always yes. She was astounded that I could have him pegged so perfectly when I’ve never met him. It’s not a gift on my part, it’s that she was right and he is a narcissist. He fit all the usual behaviors. They think they’re so special and interesting when in fact, they are life-suckingly dull and boring in their strikingly similar repetitive patterns.

When I’ve said this to friends or family…that they are everywhere….I’ve gotten strange looks or been told that I am paranoid. I’ve considered that possibility and have been able to rule it out. For one thing, guess what the number one search engine term (by far) leading people to my blog is. That’s right, it’s, “narcissists” or a phrase containing that word.

Some other opinions on this:

Malignant narcissists are everywhere. 1 to 3 of every 20 people you meet are malignant narcissists.

- Officer.com

Sanctuary For The Abused

It’s All About Him: How to Identify and Avoid the Narcissist Male

…6 percent of Americans, or 1 out of 16, had experienced [clinical narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)] at some point in their lives…

- Narcissism Epidemic: Why There Are So Many Narcissists Now

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You May Be Dealing With A Narcissist If…

Cyndi — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 15:39:01 +0000

“Since [narcissists] deep down, feel themselves to be faultless, it is inevitable that when they are in conflict with the world they will invariably perceive the conflict as the world’s fault. Since they must deny their own badness, they must perceive others as bad. They project their own evil onto the world. They never think of themselves as evil, on the other hand, they consequently see much evil in others.” – M. Scott Peck

Narcissistic personality disorder symptoms may include:

Believing that you’re better than others

Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness

Exaggerating your achievements or talents

Expecting constant praise and admiration

Believing that you’re special

Failing to recognize other people’s emotions and feelings

Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans

Taking advantage of others

Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior

Being jealous of others

Believing that others are jealous of you

Trouble keeping healthy relationships

Setting unrealistic goals

Being easily hurt and rejected

Having a fragile self-esteem

Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional

Although some features of narcissistic personality disorder may seem like having confidence or strong self-esteem, it’s not the same. Narcissistic personality disorder crosses the border of healthy confidence and self-esteem into thinking so highly of yourself that you put yourself on a pedestal. In contrast, people who have healthy confidence and self-esteem don’t value themselves more than they value others.

When you have narcissistic personality disorder, you may come across as conceited, boastful or pretentious. You often monopolize conversations. You may belittle or look down on people you perceive as inferior. You may have a sense of entitlement. And when you don’t receive the special treatment to which you feel entitled, you may become very impatient or angry. You may also seek out others you think have the same special talents, power and qualities — people you see as equals. You may insist on having “the best” of everything — the best car, athletic club, medical care or social circles, for instance.

But underneath all this grandiosity often lies a very fragile self-esteem. You have trouble handling anything that may be perceived as criticism. You may have a sense of secret shame and humiliation. And in order to make yourself feel better, you may react with rage or contempt and efforts to belittle the other person to make yourself appear better. - Mayo Clinic

Ever dealt with anyone who encompasses some, or all, of these traits? I have. Well, let me back-track a little. I am not a psychologist, just a psychology student who has studied this disorder. I am not qualified to diagnose anyone with anything. However, I do believe that I repeatedly encounter folks who probably could be diagnosed with NPD or at the very least, have many of the symptoms.

Narcissus or Narkissos (Greek: ?????????) in Greek mythology was a hero from the territory of Thespiae in Boeotia who was renowned for his beauty. In the various stories he is exceptionally cruel, in that he disdains those who love him. As divine punishment he falls in love with a reflection in a pool, not realizing it was his own, and somehow dies out of frustration. – Wikipedia

In my experience, many of us may, from time to time, identify with one or two of the characteristics listed. However, I can immediately think of at least four people in my life (past or present) who seem to meet the vast majority of these symptoms consistently.

Narcissists do not see other people as individuals, separate from themselves. We are simply mirrors in which they can look to reinforce their false senses of superiority and grandiosity. We are not in their lives to be loved, only to reflect back onto them that which they want to see in themselves. We are mirrors.

If you are successful, then they are pleased because they are associated with a successful person. If you say and do all the “right” things, they are pleased because you are reflecting the image they are trying to project. If you make a “mistake”, say or do the “wrong” thing, watch out. Their wrath knows no bounds.

My relationships with Narcissists have always had a roller-coaster quality to them. The highs were great but the lows were devastating. They literally suck the life out of you, drain you and then discard you when they find a bigger, better or more flattering mirror. They may keep you on the bench, throwing you little nuggets to keep you in their game, just in case they need you again sometime.

This is difficult to digest and believe about someone you love. It sounds so outrageous. Nonetheless, it’s true. Emotionally investing in a Narcissist is painful and degrading. If you do come to realize their flaws, and it is tough to do because you spend so much time blaming yourself for the problems in the relationship, it’s still extremely difficult to un-hook.

Trying to figure them out is futile. Trying to understand why they came to be this way is pointless. You will only find yourself focusing all of your attention on them, feeling sorry for them, blaming yourself and getting in deeper and deeper. Try pointing out their faults and you will really feel their wrath. That wrath can range from manipulation and blatant lies to verbal and/or physical abuse.

I have found that the only way for me to deal with a Narcissist is to avoid them at all costs. When cutting them out of my life completely is impractical or impossible, I maintain as much distance as possible and keep the relationship on a superficial level, so as to not become emotionally invested.

Some online resources:

All About Him

Sanctuary for the Abused

Recommended Reading (yes, I’ve read them all):