My second Mother’s Day weekend trip alone was very different from my first. I was not expecting that and it threw me the entire time I was gone. I finally figured it all out and am actually pleased to report that my final conclusion is that I have made a lot more progress in life than I had previously given myself credit for.

The weather was perfect the entire time I was there and the ocean….well, as the quote says….I never can adequately describe it. I took as many pictures as I could and even video but still….it is simply amazing in person. Three days in shorts and flip-flops on the ocean with no obligations was exactly what I needed. My brain was fried when I left. I was stressed out beyond belief. All of my own doing of course, but still, it is how I felt. It all melted away there on the beach.

The View From My Room

Seashells Everywhere

I brought my journal with me. It’s the journal I was writing in regularly during the time period in which I took my first solo trip to North Carolina in 2008. Reading about the marital problems hubby and I were having was not at all painful. It was interesting to read but seems like a lifetime ago. It was almost as if I were reading about two different people. And I was. Reading about my own discoveries about myself was enlightening. I read along as I discovered that I had been trapped in a fog my entire life about myself, my relationships and life in general. I was one hot mess. I still struggle with some of the same issues but nothing like what I was dealing with two years ago.

And therein lies the big difference between the two trips. This time I got myself all worked up over many different superficial annoyances in life. I stressed myself out over work and money and bills and….all pointless nonsense easily cured by a few relaxing days on the beach and some perspective. I needed an attitude adjustment and a break and I got both. But that first trip was much different. I felt completely overwhelmed by just about everything in the world then. Hubby and I were reuniting after a long and ugly 5-month separation, I hated my job, I hated myself. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing or who I even was. Although I was starting to grasp a few things, mostly I was terrified and confused. It was suffocating and that trip was so incredibly liberating. I wrote in my journal about how “grown up’ and happy I felt taking a trip by myself. I felt happy the second time too but I didn’t feel that same invigorating sense of independence. I already have that in my regular life now when I choose to remember it and not focus on the nonsense. I felt as if I’d been there and done that already. This trip was no test, no accomplishment, just a nice relaxing break.  The first trip…you would have thought I had scaled Mt. Everest or something by the way I felt then.

I’m still glad I went. I missed my family on Mother’s Day though. The first trip was intentionally planned on Mother’s Day as a statement to everyone (mostly my own mother – how very “grown up” of me) that I was no longer going to spend Mother’s Day (or any other day) doing what anyone else thought I should do. I threw down the gauntlet, said enough was enough and anyone that didn’t like it could suck it. This year I realized I can do that whenever I want, even on Mother’s Day. Even here at home. And anyone that doesn’t like it can still suck it. I don’t have to leave town to be independent. I can be with my kids on Mother’s Day and still do what I want. And being with my family is what I want. I couldn’t wait to get home on Sunday night.

That is not to say that I will never travel alone again. I will. I enjoy it. I may choose a different time of year or a different location or….who knows what I’ll do or where I’ll go. I do know two things; next year if I do go away for Mother’s Day weekend it will be with my family and the ocean cures all.

Thanks for stopping by!

No, as the title of this post may suggest I have not, in fact, completely switched gears regarding my views on the obligatory Hallmark version of what Mother’s Day has become for most in the U.S. I have, however, completely changed my attitude because I’ve changed how I personally spend Mother’s Day.

Along those lines my attitude this year is that I am grateful for many things having to do with Mother’s Day and that’s what I will be focusing on.

They are, in no particular order:

1. My husband. He is my rock. He deals with my frequent anxieties and incessant psycho-babble with a calm and cool demeanor that I simply do not possess. He supports my every decision with enthusiasm, including my decision to get the hell out of here every Mother’s Day and spend the weekend at my happy place…on the ocean. He is free with affection and I always know that he loves me and has my back, no matter how crazy I think I may be at any given moment. He gets me, allows me the space to be me and loves me unconditionally, as I do him. He is the best dad ever and sets an example that my sons’ future wives will no doubt appreciate tremendously someday.

2. My sons. Without my rugrats I would obviously not be a mother in the first place. They have been pure joy, since the day they were born (well, actually it took a couple of months with my youngest…he was colicky). Watching them grow up, mature, change, develop and navigate this world is so amazing I don’t think mere words can capture the feelings. Yes, even with the teen years fast approaching and the occasional back-talk that comes with pushing boundaries as they grow, I love them each more every day. They are truly unique individuals and being a part of their lives is fascinating. They get me too and I love the spontaneous conversations we have and how open they are with me. I am grateful that they understand why I go away for Mother’s Day and happy that I’m assisting in raising two men who already see mothers and women as independent and interesting individuals with many roles and interests of their own.

3. My mother. Shocked? The good and the bad….have all helped make me who I am today. She is, after all, a flawed human doing the best she can, just like the rest of us. She may not have one single clue why I choose to go away on Mother’s Day. She may resent it. She may think horrible thoughts about me because of it. I honestly have no idea. She doesn’t impose her thoughts about it on me at all. She’s even watching the kids for us since hubby has to take me to the airport at an ungodly early hour and won’t be home until late evening. She’s a great grandma and the boys love spending time with her.

4. My sister. A mother herself, she is still wrestling with her own preferred way to spend Mother’s Day. Or maybe she isn’t. Right now one of her roles is that of the good daughter who stays in town to see our mother on Mother’s Day. I’m guessing that if/when she chooses a different path for herself our mother may express some displeasure with me or both of us. She is my BFF and if I decide not to return from the beach she will show up under the pretense of dragging me back home but will actually stay there with me. She is a great mom, aunt, friend and sister. I couldn’t be luckier.

5. Hallmark. Yes, Hallmark. For turning Mother’s Day into such a commercial fiasco that it’s founder regretted having founded the holiday and ended up actually opposing it. Without this I may never have realized that I was not doing things that I wanted to do. I was doing things I thought I should do. Even on a day that is advertised as my day.

6. The Middle. The TV show. Last night’s episode was all about the farce that has become of Mother’s Day and how many of us just want the day to do with as we please but are too afraid to admit it. We don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. We don’t need cards, flowers, jewelry, (we will accept them if given though…duh!) food dehydrators or inflatable foot baths. We don’t want to host a get-together, cook, clean or work. We don’t want to feel obligated to do anything and we don’t want anyone to feel obligated to us either.

To all the moms reading this: I hope you too spend your Mother’s Day doing exactly what you want to do, whatever that may be. It is your day.

As has been well documented here, I have come to loathe Mother’s Day.  I won’t blather on about why again.  If you like you can read about that here, here, here and here.  I told you it’s been well documented.

Yes, I know, you never stop being a mom.  However, I believe that there is a HUGE difference between having children still dependent on and living with you and having grown children who are out on their own.  When I say, “current moms”, I am talking about those that still have children at home.

I have talked with countless current moms, both online and in real life, about what they want for Mother’s Day.  The answer is UNANIMOUS.  I’m not exaggerating.  They all say exactly the same thing.  Most of them are afraid to admit it to their loving families and/or afraid to rock the obligatory boat of honoring their own mothers and mothers-in-law.  The answer?  A DAY TO THEMSELVES.

[polldaddy poll=1607179]

This does not shock me.  This is exactly how I feel.  Some would like a day at the spa, or even a trip.  Others just want one day, alone in their own homes, when they can read, take a long bath, watch bad reality tv, dork out on the internet, or whatever their hearts desire, without anyone else around.

Most feel guilty for feeling this way and will never admit it to anyone else.  They feel comfortable admitting it to me because I have been so public about my disdain for the traditions expected of us current moms on “our” day.

They love their kids.  They love their moms and their mothers-in-law (well, in most cases).  They just want need a little break.  A little alone time.  A little piece of the year in which they can indulge themselves and remember that they are also women, not just chauffeurs, boo-boo kissers, nose-wipers and diaper-changers.

So, dads, husbands, fathers, friends…..my hint for a Mother’s Day Gift is give her a day!  Don’t take it personally.  It has nothing to do with you or the kids.  It’s about her.  Flowers are sweet.  Brunch tastes good.  Give those to her some other random day of the year to show your appreciation.  But Mother’s Day….GET OUT AND LEAVE HER ALONE (even if especially if she swears she would much rather spend the day with your mother)! 

Thanks for stopping by and Happy Mother’s Day!

Several weeks ago I came to the disturbing conclusion that I was not going to be able to go on my annual solo trip this Mother’s Day weekend.  At the same time I accepted that the possible alternative compromise for Memorial Day weekend was also not going to happen.

At first I reacted as any well-adjusted, mature, thirty-nine year old mother of two would.  I decided, and even told hubby this, that I would stay in bed on Mother’s Day and…..pout. 

I’ve since changed my mind about this ridiculous scenario and will, in fact, be getting out of bed on Mother’s Day.  Beyond that though, I have no idea what we will do that day. 

I’ve considered the possibility of checking into a hotel here in my home state that weekend but it just won’t be the same as setting out on a trip alone.  Besides, the reason I’m not going anywhere is to save money so spending it on a hotel within thirty miles of my own home just seems…….stupid.  I don’t think that would be any fun anyway. 

I have just accepted the fact that I’m not going on a trip alone this year.  I can live with that.  It’s not the most horrible thing that’s ever happened.  I am also happy to report that I don’t feel the same overwhelming pull to GET OUT OF HERE (similar to the voice in the house in Amityville….only not terrifying, just insistent, and no, I didn’t really hear voices) that I did at this time last year.  This year I would just like to go.  Last year I needed to escape.    

In my newly enlightened and slightly more mature frame of mind, I’ve even come to believe that there must be a reason that I’m not able to go.  I do not yet know what that reason is, so I’m just waiting to find out.  I actually may have gotten a clue about this mysterious reason yesterday….more on that tomorrow.

Thanks for stopping by!

I still very much want to go on my Mother’s Day weekend trip.  I’ve done some research on airfares, car rentals and hotels.  What I’m finding is that I can get great deals on airfares and cars but not so much on the hotel.  I actually found a car that cost only $17/day!  Unfortunately, the hotel was $205/night.  That’s mostly because my one deal-breaker for this trip is an oceanfront room.  If I can’t be on the ocean, I have no desire to spend the money to go at all.

I’m going to continue to look for deals so that I can go.  However, an interesting new possibility for a compromise has come up. 

Every year, hubby goes to the Indy 500 with some of his guy friends during Memorial Day Weekend.  This year, my Mom, Sister and her family are all going to Indy for the race too, although not hanging with hubby and friends.  That’s his weekend with the guys. 

I do not now, nor have I ever, been a fan of the race, the craziness of the weekend down there, or Indy in general.  I have no desire to go.  Plus, I would never horn-in on hubby’s guy weekend.  He enjoys the race, the drunkenness and other assorted debaucherous activities.  It’s his traditional escape and I would never take that away from him.

However, if I can’t bring myself to spend the money required to go on my Mother’s Day trip and/or can’t find a way to get to the ocean afford-ably, Memorial Day Weekend may be a good compromise for me. 

I floated the idea to my Mom this weekend.  If she takes my kids with her (she isn’t going to the race but is going to the parade and staying with her family, who haven’t seen my kids in quite some time), then I would at least get a weekend to myself. 

This would work for me.  No, I wouldn’t get the ocean, but a whole weekend to do with whatever I please, in my own home, without having to spend hundreds of dollars, does run a very close second to my ideal.

I think my sister is on board with assisting me in talking my Mom into this idea because then my kids could help out with her kids, who are much younger.  It really would be a win-win for all involved.

Keeping my fingers crossed!

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I’ve finally finished our 2008 tax returns.  Whew.  I’ve spent the better part of the past two days preparing them.  It felt good to have a purpose, something important to take care of.  Yes, that’s exactly how pointless my days have come to feel.  I actually enjoyed doing our taxes.  Pathetic.  Now that I’m done, it’s back to just looking for a job, blogging and trying not to focus on my lack of income or meaningful contribution to society.  Oh, and screwing around on Facebook….can’t forget that important part of my daily routine.

Thankfully, we are getting a small refund.  Good news, right?  Of course it is!  Having said that, I am now faced with a decision.  It could be an important one.  Most likely I’m just struggling with it because I feel guilty, and as discussed in the previous paragraph, have too much time on my hands.

Last Mother’s Day, I started what I wanted to be an annual tradition.  I took a trip, all by myself.  If you haven’t read about it already and are interested in doing so, you can read about it HERE.  I would very much like to go on another trip this Mother’s Day weekend.  Let me rephrase that.  I am absolutely dying to go again this year. 

I don’t want this for Mother’s Day….

I want this for Mother’s Day…

Problem is, as I may have mentioned….I’m unemployed.  I feel guilty about even considering spending money on a vacation (vacation from what?!) this year.  Hubby is pushing me to go, which is sweet.  The small refund we are getting would allow me to go.  It could also be spent on necessities or saved for the future, just in case I am actually unemployed for the next ten years….which does seem realistic at this point.

I don’t actually need to go, no matter how much I want to go.  I know that if I can find a fairly inexpensive way to do it, I won’t regret it for a second.  I know that if I don’t at least look into it, I will regret it.  You only live once, right?

I essentially just talked myself into researching inexpensive trips I can take in order to continue my Mother’s Day tradition.  Maybe I can actually make this happen….I hope so.

Thanks for stopping by!

“Someday Isle is not a dream vacation spot. It is an imaginary destination to which you will never arrive. It is the carrot on the stick perpetually in front of you. So close you can see it, yet you will never reach it. Don’t vacation on Someday Isle.” — Frank F. Lunn

I was actually doing this!  Going on a vacation, all by myself!  I really couldn’t believe it.  I know, for some of you this sounds ridiculous.  Oooohhh…4 days in North Carolina…big deal.  For me, it was a HUGE deal.

My original plan was to read and lay on the beach the entire time, literally.  I wasn’t even going to rent a car.  But, it turned out to be cheaper to rent a car than it would be to take a taxi to and from the airport.  Plus, the car had a GPS system so I wouldn’t get lost.  I brought about 20 books with me.  Seriously.  I read fast and even with the rental car, I still planned on doing virtually nothing else but read on the beach. 

Once I got there, though, I realized I wanted a little more adventure than that.  Again, for many of you, nothing I did would constitute an adventure.  But for me, the whole thing was an adventure.  I went wandering around Carolina Beach on foot and in the car.  I went shopping, I met some very nice people.  I kept hearing about a restaurant with award winning clam chowder so I went there, even though I don’t even like clam chowder.  The manager sat down and chatted with me for a while.  The clam chowder was excellent!  I went to a local art gallery and found the perfect picture of the beach, ordered a frame, and had it shipped home.  That picture is prominently displayed in my living room.  Everytime I walk in there I look at it and smile, remembering my amazing trip. 

I set out in the car and just drove, stopping anywhere that looked interesting, knowing the GPS would lead me right back to the hotel.  I walked downtown Wilmington twice.  It is quaint, historic, interesting and fun.  Cape Fear is no ocean but it is still beautiful.  I found some adorable local shops, another great art gallery, and even discovered some local musical talent.

And yes, I did lay on the beach and read.  I read a lot, but nowhere near 20 books.  I soaked in my hot tub.  I ordered room service.  I walked on the beach.  I was even a little naughty and ordered bad porn one night in the hotel (oh, come on, you would have too!). 

It was, BY FAR, the best Mother’s Day I had ever had.  I hope to make it an annual tradition.  I want to go somewhere by myself every Mother’s Day weekend.  No more obligatory brunches, hostessing family, or anything else that I SHOULD do!  I now know exactly what I want to do on Mother’s Day, hubby is behind me 100%, so provided that we can afford it, I will be out of here again in May!

Sunrise over Carolina Beach

Cape Fear

The view from my room

Downtown Wilmington

“In fact that is why the lives of most women are so vaguely unsatisfactory. They are always doing secondary and menial things (that do not require all their gifts and ability) for others and never antyhing for themselves. Society and husbands praise them for it (when they get too miserable or have nervous breakdowns) though always a little perplexedly and half-heartedly and just to be consoling. The poor wives are reminded that that is just why wives are so splendid–because they are so unselfish and self-sacrificing and that is the wonderful thing about them! But inwardly women know that something is wrong. They sense that if you are always doing something for others, like a servant or nurse, and never anything for yourself, you cannot do others any good. You make them physically more comfortable. But you cannot affect them spiritually in any way at all. For to teach, encourage, cheer up, console, amuse, stimulate or advise a husband or children or friends, you have to be something yourself.  If you would shut your door against the children for an hour a day and say; ‘Mother is working on her five-act tragedy in blank verse!’ you would be surprised how they would respect you. They would probably all become playwrights.”
— Brenda Ueland

I don’t like Mother’s Day.  There.  I said it.  If that excludes me from being nominated for Mother Of The Year (again)…so be it. 

Growing up, Mother’s Day was about my Mom, I suppose.  I don’t really remember a single one or a single gift that I gave her or what we did to celebrate.  That’s sad.  Once I got married, it was about my Mom and hubby’s Mom.  So, we bought the obligatory flowers and gifts and celebrated by taking them to dinner or something. 

I started actively disliking it once I became a Mom myself.  I do remember my first Mother’s Day as a Mom.  My sister and I took our Mom out for the obligatory brunch, gave her the obligatory gifts, and then hubby and I went to my Mother’s-in-law house with the baby.  It was a big barbecue with lots of family.  We gave her the obligatory gift and at some point all the guys went to a local park to play basketball.  My Sister-in-law was furious.  She went on a rant about how this was supposed to be HER day and her hubby was off playing basketball, leaving her with the kids.  I remember secretly agreeing with her but outwardly saying it was fine.  It was always fine.

By my third Mother’s Day, I was starting to recognize and even vocalize (a little bit) my distaste for this day.  Don’t get me wrong, hubby did his best.  He always got me very nice gifts that I loved (flowers, spa gift certificates, perfume, etc.).  He always asked what I wanted to do.  However, I wasn’t sure myself and even if I had been we still had to do something for our Moms too.  That year I came up with a sort of compromise that turned into a tradition.  We would take both Moms to brunch, then the rest of the day could be about doing what I wanted.  This WAS better, but still, not great.  It never really worked out.  Again, I wasn’t even sure WHAT I wanted and most years we ended up with family coming back to our house after brunch so I got to play hostess.

As this Mother’s Day was approaching and I was trying to figure out when and where to go on my solo trip, I really started thinking about Mother’s Day.  We SHOULD give a gift.  We SHOULD do what our Mom wants to do.  We SHOULD feel SOMETHING resembling affection, love or at the very least, appreciation for Mom, right?  I didn’t.  I didn’t at all.  I felt resentful that I SHOULD do anything.  FUCK SHOULD!  I was sick of “should”.  I lived my whole life doing what I SHOULD.  It didn’t make me happy and when mama’s not happy, nobody’s happy. 

So…that’s how I decided.  I would take my trip on Mother’s Day weekend.  I left the obligatory gift with my sister to give to my Mom.  I called her, just like I should.  But, I wasn’t going to be here.  I was going to be somewhere else, doing exactly what I wanted!  But…where?