So Much More Than A Mom » Intimacy

Sometimes It Is The Small Stuff

Cyndi — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 07:18:43 +0000

“Rule number one is, don’t sweat the small stuff. Rule number two is, it’s all small stuff.” ~ Robert Eliot

You’ve heard of this quote and this book, right? I’ve never read the book but have always liked the quote. I always think of this quote when stuck in a long line or traffic. That truly is not worth getting all worked up about. For the most part though, I have failed miserably at following this advice.

This quote popped into my head over the weekend. It was mostly uneventful. We had no obligations to attend to. We went out with friends Friday night and had a good time. Saturday was….weird. Hubby seemed to have quite a bit on his mind. Numerous concerns about my behavior. Initially I felt badly. I apologized. I thought all was well but then things were still….weird. As the grievances mounted I started to seriously consider how much of what he was irritated about truly belonged to me and how much of it was really all about him.

We don’t fight dirty or scream and yell and accuse each other of horrible things and bring up grievances from 10 years ago anymore so none of this was out of control. Neither of us were particularly angry either. He seemed to be more irritated than anything else. I was mostly confused. Later I did become angry but not so angry that I felt compelled to yell or leave or consult an attorney.

None of the issues we debated that day were of major significance. They were all pretty minor. One argument was over who should have stopped at the store to purchase milk and pop. Typical, mundane, everyday marital nonsense. Small stuff.

It occurred to me that day that I don’t like this quote anymore. It simply isn’t realistic or true. At least not as applied to marriage or any long term relationship. Life is lived mostly in the small stuff. Sure, there are major marital problems that can end a marriage. But many marriages live and die in the small stuff.

On the plus side it can be a welcoming hug after a day at work, a conversation over a recent news item or shared topic of interest, a giggle over something one of the kids says or does or or teary-eyed acknowledgment of how fast they are growing up. It can be the way we cuddle when we sleep, a mutual look at a party that says it’s time to go, a suggestion of a vacation together alone, a genuine compliment, open and direct communication, an inside joke, even just a loving look. This small stuff strengthens a marriage.

On the minus side it can be a statement that includes the phrase, “you always…” or “you never…”. It can be an unexpressed expectation that never had a chance of being met, a thought that leads to an unkind word, a complaint about something without all the facts, eye-rolling, passive-aggressive comments, accusations not based in reality, sweeping judgments and even innocent miscommunication. This small stuff can rip a marriage to shreds over the years. It tears at the very fabric of the relationship and builds resentment and confusion rather than understanding and intimacy.

Most marriages have a little bit of both of these types of small stuff. Mine does. The good small stuff far outweighs the bad but it still does exist. We are each only flawed humans after all. We worked out our small stuff on Saturday and moved on. The heartfelt apologies, kissing and making up, discussing a disagreement calmly and truly listening and considering the others’ point of view…these things help make up for the harmful small stuff. The good small stuff is what keeps us fully engaged.

Sure, hubby could come home with an itinerary for a surprise elaborate vacation, three dozen flowers and a lifetime supply of books. That would be pretty big, right? But all those grand gestures…big stuff….would be erased in a heartbeat if he made one snide comment about some mundane thing that I didn’t do or didn’t do to his satisfaction, wouldn’t it?

Unless there’s some really bad big stuff going on (and we’ve been there too) I say it is the small stuff that is most important in a marriage and mine is definitely worth the sweat. What do you think?

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Intimacy Issues

Cyndi — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 01:41:08 +0000

“Love is making friends with fear because fear is the constant companion of intimacy ~ and when you bring fear out of the darkness and into the light, you realize it was an illusion based on our own insecurities.” — Allen L. Roland

Ever since I published my last post I’ve been thinking about my fear of intimacy. I’ve definitely got intimacy issues. I suppose just about everyone does on some level or another. I can only speak for myself.

I’m sure it comes from never being able to trust anyone growing up. I have to digress here for a minute to rant about that. It really pisses me off that all this bullshit, all these demons, are coming back to haunt me in my late 30′s. When I was a kid I couldn’t wait to grow up so I could get the hell out of there and live a normal life. I figured once I left, I was done with it. Not so. It all came back to cause me even more problems then it did the first time around. That’s a bunch of crap! Didn’t I put up with enough when I was a kid?!

I had to get that out of my system. Back to my original topic. Intimacy. I am terrified of completely trusting someone. Anyone. Especially my husband. He didn’t help matters early on in our marriage but I suspect I would still feel the same way today even without his help. What if he hurts me?! That’s the big fear, right?

That’s what I’ve been thinking about. So what if I get hurt? Would it be better to live the closed-off, false, people-pleasing life like I used to? Absolutely not. To truly trust someone and allow actual intimacy, you have to take a risk. It feels like a huge risk. Realistically, it’s not. The absolute worst case scenario is that he leaves. The biggest pain would come from me completely opening up and him leaving. If I think about this rationally and unemotionally, I know that would hurt. A lot. I would feel humiliated, lost, alone, scared, sad, angry, abandoned and probably even plot revenge fantasies that I would never carry out (or would I…). I wouldn’t die. I wouldn’t be banished to some sexless, loveless cave. I would survive. I’ve survived much worse when I was in a much more vulnerable position.

The truth is that it’s the re-living of the original pain that is at the root of my fears. The fears that I developed as a child. The fear that I was so bad that my own parents didn’t love me. The fear that I was somehow defective. The fear that I was unlovable. I know that isn’t true. I know it was their own issues that caused them to behave the ways in which they did. I know it wasn’t me. I know all of this on an intellectual level. Getting my emotions to buy into this reality is the hard part.

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Social Media And Real Life

Cyndi — Sun, 24 May 2009 05:43:39 +0000

“No man has the right to dictate what other men should perceive, create or produce, but all should be encouraged to reveal themselves, their perceptions and emotions, and to build confidence in the creative spirit.” — Ansel Adams

I am a social media addict. This is of course, in addition to my many other addictions. I have an addictive personality, it’s how I roll. Maybe I should start attending random group therapy sessions, like in Fight Club. Yes, movies are another addiction of mine, and books too, but I digress. Back to my original addiction….social media. These days I particularly love blogging (duh) and Facebook but am pretty hooked on twitter too. It all started with MySpace, which I now consider to be a playground for pervs and children…not a good combo. I do maintain my account on MySpace just to keep tabs on my nieces and nephews but I rarely use it.

The reason I’m even writing about any of this is that my fellow social media addict, blogger, mortgage industry professional, weight loss nazi inspiration and online buddy (soul mate?), Tammy, over at A Moment In Time, wrote a blog post about social media that I have been pondering all day.

Basically, she met up, in person, with an old friend from school who she originally connected with on Facebook. They had a great time and it was as if no time had passed at all. Later that same day, she saw someone else from her past in a store and ducked out without any interest in connecting with that person at all. It didn’t seem as if there had been any animosity, just no desire to reconnect.

Pondering this all day, as I tend to do, has led me down two different paths. The first one is about a friend from high school that I connected with on Facebook when I first joined. I was thrilled to find out that you could fairly easily connect with folks from high school. We hadn’t spoken in about twenty years. We had some ridiculous fight about a year after high school and she basically told me to go to hell. At the time I was confused and extremely hurt. It was a petty argument and I thought we were BFFs. Twenty years later, I was over it and figured she was too. We did connect briefly on Facebook but she seemed reluctant to really chat and then one day she was gone. I was dumped again. This time I’m not confused or hurt. Her dumping me from her Facebook friends may have nothing to do with me at all. If she would rather not reconnect, that’s ok. Sometimes there are people who are better left in the past.

I have a difficult time cutting people off, even when I know I should. Even when I know they are bad for me. Even when I really look at the relationship and realize I’m not getting one good thing out of it. Even when they just aren’t good friends for some reason. Even when I know they are narcissists, and incapable of real emotion or healthy relationships. I’ve gotten better at this in recent years but it’s still tough for me to stop all contact. I think I always hold out hope, despite all evidence to the contrary, that they must care about me or they would just stop all contact with me and move on. I am always waiting for that one moment when they’ll toss me a crumb of emotion, something that indicates I am important to them and that they do care. It’s like this carrot that is always there but also always out of reach. It’s another addiction.

That led me to my second path. Why do we (most of us anyway) have such a difficult time expressing positive, loving emotions to our friends, family members and acquaintances, even when we feel them. Assuming we aren’t narcissists and neither are they, just normal flawed humans, why do we hide how we feel? Why is it so difficult to put ourselves out there and just say, “You’re a good friend.”, “I enjoy spending time with you because…”, “I miss you.” or even “I love you.”.

I have no trouble expressing emotions with my kids and husband. But pretty much anyone else, I rarely feel comfortable saying anything close to resembling real feelings. I’ve gotten better at it, especially in writing, but still struggle with it, particularly in person or even on the phone.

I suspect that it’s the fear that they will not feel the same way or that even if they do, they will be uncomfortable with me being so honest. Or, what if they interpret my feelings to mean more than what they are? If, for example, I were to tell a long-time co-worker that I admire her for some reason, might she then think that I feel our friendship is much closer than she does? Is it simply a fear of intimacy of any kind? Fear of rejection?

Isn’t this all ridiculous? I mean, we all need relationships with our fellow human beings. We all like to know that we are important, liked, admired, cared for and loved. Life is so short and the only truly important things in it are our connections with others. Maybe this is all just psycho-babble brought on by nicotine withdrawal. Or maybe not.

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How It Feels To Be In A Relationship With A Narcissist – Part I

Cyndi — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 13:43:23 +0000

“If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.” – Abraham Maslow

In the scenario above, the true narcissist has only a hammer and you are the nail. They will attempt to beat you into submission using any number of manipulative and abusive tactics. Remember, their only objective, EVER, is to have their own false image mirrored back to them. Everything they do and say are simply attempts to control and perpetuate that image.

Of course, there are as many different ways a relationship with a narcissist can go as there are people. It all depends on their level of narcissism, other issues and/or personality disorders they have, your level of self-esteem, how strong and nearby your support system is, etc.

If you are very, very lucky, your narcissist will tire of you fast, be commitment-phobic and dump you. Suddenly. Possibly without any warning or even without letting you know. He may just disappear. You will spend countless hours going over and over the entire relationship wondering what happened and what you could have done to cause it’s demise. The answer? The narcissist found a new mirror. You were probably just one in a very long line of mirrors. It had nothing to do with you. It never had anything to do with you. Be thankful that you got out as soon as you did.

Many narcissists also fear abandonment and part of their false image is that of a family-man. While they are terrified of true intimacy, they want the world to see them as “normal” and believe that having a wife and (God forbid) kids projects the image they are looking for. If they also fear abandonment, they will latch onto you and never, ever let go. They will feed off of you like a vampire for the rest of your lives.

A narcissist’s inability to be affected emotionally derails his or her relationship over the long run, says Foster. “Narcissists seem great at first—they are confident, exciting and seem to be free of hang-ups. But then, Mr. Cool turns into Mr. Doesn’t Care.” - Psychology Today

You will feel confused most of the time. You will wonder what has become of your life. You will not understand why you have almost no self-esteem. You will look back at your previous self and have no clue how you came to be this unhappy mess of a person who believes she is worthless. You used to have some sense of self-worth. You used to be happy, or at least happier than you are now. You will blame yourself for the problems in your relationship and you will run yourself ragged trying to fix them, trying to do better, trying to be better…for him. You will do this because he has led you down a path of lies in which you believe he is quite a catch, you are lucky he chose you, you will never hurt him like all the others did, and that you are the cause of all the problems.

One minute, you will be the most perfect partner ever created. The next, you will be Satan himself. This black/white, devil/angel treatment by the narcissist will be one of the most compelling reasons you stay. When you are basking in the glow of his praise you feel like a beautiful, perfect goddess. You crave that feeling like a drug. You need it. It feels so much better than the horrible, gut-wrenching, guilt-ridden depression and anxiety that come with being on the receiving end of his anger and wrath, or worse yet…indifference. You are an addict and he is the drug dealer.

To be continued….

Some online resources:

Sanctuary for the Abused

Recommended Reading (yes, I’ve read them all):