Ok, I realize that’s a pretty big title that could lead some devastated soul to the conclusion that this 39-year-old-wannabe-psychologist-but-who-is-currently-still-in-school-and-happens-to-love-to-blog has the answer to end his or her pain.  I don’t.  I’m sorry.

Well actually, I kind of do.

When you are betrayed by your spouse in this horrific way, you involuntarily become a victim.  You feel shocked, hurt, angry, humiliated, and probably every other emotion that it’s even possible to have.  One minute you want revenge and the next you just want everything to go back to “normal”.

Unfortunately, after an affair, there is no “normal” anymore.  In reality, there never really was.  Otherwise, the affair would never have taken place, right?  Your world is turned upside down.  Everything you believed about yourself, your marriage, and probably the world in general has been completely eradicated and you feel alone and confused, beaten down and abandoned.  I’m not even certain that there are sufficient words to describe all the wretched feelings.  Suffice it to say…..I get it.

For the purpose of this blog post, let’s assume that we are talking about a cheating spouse who has been caught, has ended the affair (and I mean really ended it…you are positive), expressed sincere remorse and the willingness to do anything to repair your marriage.  This is someone you can work with.  This is someone who may actually deserve forgiveness.  Anything short of all of the above and forgiveness will not be possible.

First, and I cannot stress this enough, I believe that marriage counseling along with individual counseling for each of you is essential.  I’m not exaggerating.  Essential.  Yes, for each of you.

Marriage counseling is rough under any circumstances, but immediately following an affair, it’s got to be just horrific.  You each need your own therapist to help you through all of the emotions you are feeling and everything you are going through as an individual.

This leads me back to the quote I chose for this post.  Your cheating, but now remorseful, spouse, is going through an emotional roller coaster too.  You don’t realize it and you don’t care and I don’t blame you.  Nonetheless, it’s happening, and if the two of you are serious about repairing the marriage you are going to have to get to a point where you do care again.

Understanding where your spouse’s head was at the time of the affair can be a huge help in moving towards forgiveness.  Ever since you were unwittingly placed in that victim role, you have stayed there.  You are the injured party.  You are the victim.  It’s all about you.  You weren’t good enough.  You weren’t sexy enough.  You weren’t….whatever enough.  NOT TRUE.  Whatever caused your spouse to cheat is a deficiency that lies within your spouse.  It had nothing to do with you.  It will take a long time for that to sink in but it had nothing to do with you.  I t   h a d   n o t h i n g   t o   d o   w i t h   y o u.

Once you can remove yourself from the equation, which believe me, I know can take a very, very long time, and see where your spouse was coming from, truly understand your spouse, forgiveness isn’t too far away.

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Affairs seem to be everywhere, don’t they?  You hear about them all the time on the “news”.  Celebrities and politicians seem to have more extra-marital affairs than adopted children from third world countries or inappropriate campaign contributions.  I personally don’t give a crap who’s banging who in Hollywood, Washington or South Carolina so I don’t pay that much attention to that.

What does interest me is the sheer number of regular people that have affairs.  I can see how celebrities and politicians develop over-inflated egos, think they are invincible and possibly had shallow marriages in the first place (married for career advancement, prestige, money, etc.).  But, I have to speculate that most people who are not in the public eye marry for love, or at least what they think is love.  I’m basing this solely on my experience in my small little circle of family, friends and acquaintances.  As far as I know, everyone I know married for love.

Assuming that this is true for the vast majority of people, why do so many choose to cheat?  The excuses given are pretty universal.  My wife doesn’t understand me.  My husband doesn’t pay attention to me.  My wife has let herself go.  My husband isn’t interested in sex anymore.  I fell out of love with him/her.  You get the idea.  The same excuses have probably been used since the begininning of time.

I’ve known, or heard about, people from both sides of the fence.  Cheaters and their injured spouses.  I’ve known people that have been “in love” with the person with whom they are cheating and some who even ended up divorcing their spouse to marry that person.  I’ve known people that have cheated as a way to get ahead at work.   I’ve known people who cheated multiple times for years and years with different people.  I’ve known people that cheated once, regretted it, were forgiven, and went on to have even better marriages.  I’ve known people who have carried on the same affair with the same person for many years, never ending the affair or leaving their spouse.  I’ve known spouses who have looked the other way.  I’ve known spouses who forgave and moved on.  I’ve known spouses who never found out.  I’ve known spouses who wanted to forgive but the cheater was actually relieved to be caught so they could stop the charade and pursue an open relationship with the other party.  I’m sure there are people who are cheating or who have cheated that I don’t even know about and would be shocked if I did because their marriage seems great from my point of view.

The effects on the injured spouses are also pretty universal with the severity of the emotional impact depending largely on the final outcome and the insecurities already firmly entrenched in their psyches.  Injured spouses can feel hurt, shocked, betrayed, angry, stupid, embarrassed, worthless, depressed, vengeful, resentful, unattractive, unlovable, etc.  I would imagine that these feelings would be more severe and last longer if the cheater leaves the marriage to be with the other person than when the cheater ends the affair and expresses sincere interest in repairing the marriage.

But what really causes a person who marries someone they love to eventually break their vows, risk everything and throw caution to the wind by cheating?  I don’t think any of the universal excuses are the real reasons.  I believe it’s something missing in the cheater himself (or herself).  Assuming the cheater married with the best of intentions and the spouse is not abusive or crazy, I think the cheater married with the expectation that this one true love would erase whatever insecurities he/she had and fulfill all of his/her wants, needs and desires forever.  I don’t think this is conscious but I do think it’s what many people truly expect from marriage.  It is, of course, impossible for any one person to ever do all of this perfectly for another person, and therein lies the reason for the cheater to seek out a new improved partner.  However, no matter how exciting it feels, how great the illicit sex is or how compatible the cheater and his/her new partner seem to be, the new partner will not be able to fulfill everything the cheater needs either.  They may stay together but eventually the cheater will become disenchanted with that relationship too.  The new partner will be blamed in the cheater’s mind.  In fact, the problem has always been and will always be within the cheater himself/herself.

What do you think?

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