There is a hint of spring in the air today finally. Finally! Actually it’s more like a hint of summer. Seventy-eight glorious degrees. Even though I had to work today, having all the windows open and getting outside during lunch was…heavenly. It’s supposed to be eighty-two tomorrow! I cannot wait for summer. The sunshine and heat just make life…good.

So, the plan was to spend my lunch doing something outside with my sons since they are on spring break this week. I’ve felt badly that we haven’t been able to take any field trips since I’m working and wanted to do something fun with them today even if it was just for a short time.

They decided they wanted to fly kites. Perfect! We went to the store to get them but they were all too “babyish”. I suggested another store. In the meantime, my oldest son, 11 years old, had received a call on the cell phone that I originally was against but now love since I can reach him wherever he is out in the world. His friends were at the park. He wanted to go. He did not care that he didn’t have a kite. Oh…and he did not want me to go with him. You know, having your mom with you at the park is, like, so not cool, especially when your girlfriend is there.

Yep. My 11 year old has a girlfriend. It’s been almost 2 weeks. That’s a long time for the 6th grade. A group of them are going to the movies this weekend. He told her he’d pay for her. He explained that he wants to be a good boyfriend. While I admire his chivalry I had to point out the obvious. He has no money. Last time I checked I was still buying his underwear. So….in reality it is hubby and I who are being chivalrous. We get to pay for 2 tickets, popcorn, etc. and we don’t even get to see the movie! Oh, and we get to drive a few of them there.

So…..it is not cool to buy a kite that is shaped like a parrot or eagle and it is not cool to go to the park with your mom if your friends are there. But….it is cool for your parents to pay your cell phone bill, buy your underwear, drive you to the movies AND pay for you and your “girlfriend”.

WOW. No wonder parents struggle so much with teenagers! And my son isn’t quite 12 yet! I’m so screwed. In his defense he felt badly once he realized how much it actually costs to go to the movies. But now that he’s promised  we can’t bring ourselves to not give him the money. We did say this would be the last time we pay for anyone else. He’s really more excited about going to the movies with a group of kids and no parents hanging around (after we drop them off of course). Freedom. I remember each of my own first tastes of increased independence. It feels good. I’m happy for him and excited for him too. But I’m sad for me. My tiny little 5-pound preemie is too cool for me in public now. It stings.

Luckily, my youngest son isn’t quite lost to me yet. We had to explain to him why I was uninvited from the trip to the park. He didn’t understand why his brother’s friends presence at the park precluded me from going. And that is how my youngest son unwittingly (and thankfully) saved me from secretly curling up into a ball and crying during lunch today. At least I still have one little boy for a little while longer.

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My oldest son’s 11th birthday is this week.  Not to point out the obvious, but I am simply not old enough to have an eleven year old.  It’s not possible.  I’ve done the math. 

As I always do on my kids’ birthdays, I remember their births, the day they were born.  This always shocks me.  It doesn’t feel as if 11 years have passed.

When my water broke 7 weeks before my due date, I didn’t even realize it was 7 weeks before my due date.  I wasn’t keeping track of the weeks at all.  People always asked how many weeks pregnant I was and I always guessed or just told them my due date.  That’s how clueless I was.  We had only attended two sessions of our prenatal classes.

I won’t go into all the gory details of my labor and delivery but suffice it to say that he was born with no problems, a little over 6 weeks early, and weighed 5 pounds, 11 ounces.  He spent one night in the NICU for observation and then was handed over to us (like we knew what to do with him) pronounced healthy, with none of the possible problems they had warned us about with preemies. 

He was the sweetest baby.  He was so tiny and his cry was more like a little squeak.  He let anyone hold him and was even-tempered, right from the beginning.

At three weeks old, we almost lost him when he had to have surgery for a birth defect called pyloric stenosis.  He didn’t react well to the anesthesia and it was touch and go for a day but he recovered from that just fine too.

Now, that little guy is turning eleven?!  I borrowed the term “eleventy-teen” from a friend of mine who referred to her son as that age when he was eleven.  This is the age when the early signs of becoming a teenager begin to rear their ugly heads.

So far, besides the sex education lesson he gave us at dinner one night, the fact that he calls me “Mom” in public (I still prefer Mommy, as long as I can get away with it), and there are to be no hugs in public under any circumstances, and he really, really needs a cell phone, he’s still closer to childlike than to teen-like. 

I just don’t want him to grow up so fast, if at all.  I don’t want him to lose the enthusiasm he has for everything from magic tricks to special effects in movies to fireworks.  I love that he’s excited and proud of himself for being placed in an advanced math class next year and even that he’s nervous about starting middle school (so am I!).  I don’t want other kids, life in general, or God forbid, me or his dad, to cause him to laugh less, play less or put on uncomfortable adult disguises.   And I hope he has a happy 11th birthday. 

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“I walked over to the hill where we used to go and sled. There were a lot of little kids there. I watched them flying, doing jumps and having races. And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding were always enough, but it isn’t.”
— Stephen Chbosky

My youngest son is home sick from school today.  Probably strep.  We’re going to the doctor later this morning.  His older brother wanted to stay home too, just because.  I sent him to school anyway since he’s not sick, but I could tell they were both a little sad about being separated today.

This brings up something that I have been thinking about recently anyway.  My boys are two years apart in age.  They are best buds.  Of course they argue, but for the most part, when they are out in the world, they share some of the same friends and look out for each other.  I like that they have each other.  My sister and I are eight years apart, and although we are friends today, we weren’t as children.  It was almost like we were each only-children in a way.

My youngest son’s birthday is in October, so even though he’s only two years younger than his brother, he’s three years behind him in school.  The cutoff for starting kindergarten is September 1st.  If your birthday is after that, you have to wait until the next year to start school.  There are ways around this rule but they involve significant testing, including psychological testing.  I briefly considered it anyway, because I really wanted them to be in school together longer than they would be if they were three grades apart.  In the end, he wasn’t emotionally ready for kindergarten the year he turned five.  He needed a year of preschool first.  So, I didn’t subject him to the testing and accepted the fact that they would be three grades apart.

Next year, my oldest son will be in sixth grade…middle school.  When I was that age, it was called Jr. High and was only seventh and eighth grades.  Now, it’s sixth, seventh and eighth.  I remember Jr. High as the most painful two years of my childhood.  It was awful.  I hope that’s not how it is for my sons, and I wish they could have each other to help them through it if it is.

They won’t be in the same school together again until my youngest son is a freshman and my oldest is a senior.  I’m sure by then, they will have grown apart some.  What senior wants to hang out with a freshman?  Even if they are still as close as they are now, that’s only one year together.  After that, off to college, their own lives and who knows what their relationship will end up being like.

This all makes me profoundly sad, and a little frightened for them.  I want them to stay close to each other.  I want them to stick together and look out for each other.  I don’t want them to have to face anything alone.  Honestly, I don’t want them to grow up and I want to protect them from….everything.

There’s no way to avoid it.  I just have to send them out there on their own like every other parent.  I hope they do ok.  I hope I do too.

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