As defined by M. Scott Peck in The Road Less Traveled, genuine love is:

The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I am currently reading this amazing book.  I was shocked to find this brief definition.  I fully expected at least an entire paragraph when the author promised to provide his definition of Love.

He goes on to break down the differences between “falling in love” and “genuine love”. 

He describes falling in love as the sexually charged honeymoon period of a romantic relationship.  I completely agree with his assertion that this period always ends.  He indicates that the moment this period ends is the exact moment where genuine love can begin.  We have this mythological misconception about that “one true love”, that there is just one person on this earth with whom we will forever fit perfectly and live happily ever after. 

This seems possible in the beginning stage of a romantic relationship.  It feels as if we have found our soul-mate and together all things are possible and no problems can exist.  Once reality starts to set in and we realize that this person is actually just as human as we are and has their own wants, needs, opinions, etc. that do not always match our own, we are disappointed and many relationships end there.  Some people never find genuine love because they spend their whole lives chasing this fairy tale and are repeatedly disappointed.

The other option at the end of the honeymoon period, according to the author, is the beginning of genuine love.  He indicates that this requires the will to be loving, even when not feeling particularly loving.  He describes commitment to the relationship and your own and your partner’s spiritual growth even when you are tired, bored, irritated, attracted to someone else, etc.  This is a very brief summary of his lengthy explanation which includes perfect analogies and examples from his practice. 

He does not suggest that all couples should stay together at the end of the honeymoon phase.  He acknowledges that without any judicious discipline we can, and do, fall in love with people that are not good for us or with whom genuine love would not be possible.  He does, however, suggest that if the person we have fallen in love with is a good match, the only way to genuine love is to be truly committed to the relationship and give up the myth of the fairy tale. 

Maybe this all sounds extremely obvious.  For me, it does reinforce beliefs I already have about the fairy tale nonsense.  It also brings up many new ideas (to me) about exactly how to cultivate a liberating, committed, loving relationship with yourself, your partner and all other human beings in general. 

Most interesting (and encouraging) to me is the fact that his definition of love does not include taking care of the other person, spending every waking moment together, or being passively dependent on one another.  His definition does not include anything about meeting every need your partner has or losing your own identity.  In fact, he says that in order to truly give yourself up to a healthy, genuine loving relationship, you must first establish your own identity.  He doesn’t use the term co-dependency but he does describe dependency in significant detail, and that being the main crux of my previous marital problems, I will write another post about that part of this book soon.

Thanks for stopping by!