Gina‘s wake was on Monday evening. I had to work all day and as the day progressed I moved closer and closer towards panic. As is true of everything I can immediately think of, the reality was not nearly as horrific as I imagined. Yet another reason worry and anxiety are destructive wastes of time.

As soon as we walked in one of Gina’s 14 year old twins walked right up to me to say hi. As I hugged her I told her I was so sorry (what else do you say?). She said, “It’s ok.”. This beautiful child who had just lost her mother was telling me it was ok. I’m still speechless.

That encounter got me started. I cried. And cried. And cried. I cried looking at all of the beautiful pictures of my friend.

I cried looking at the closed casket. I cried looking at her daughters, her mother, her sister and brother, her husband and her grandmother. I cried over each and every word that was spoken about her.

I laughed. I laughed when I told hubby he had to dunk the biscotti in his coffee but he tried to break off a piece instead and Gina’s grandmother told him he had to dunk it. I laughed even more when I told her that’s what I said and an aunt chimed in with, “they never listen.”. I’m fairly certain that everyone laughed when Gina’s precocious and apparently attention-loving 3 year old daughter chose the middle of the Priest’s eulogy to proclaim as loudly as possible, “Ready! Set! Go!” and then proceed to run straight across the front of the room at full speed. Repeatedly. Probably about 10 times. I laughed when her sister and I agreed that Gina told her daughter to do that because things were getting way too serious in there.

I received a completely unexpected gift from the most unexpected source. I have secretly been wondering if Gina truly knew how much she meant to me. How much I loved her. See, as close as we were, we weren’t overly vocal about our feelings or particularly affectionate. We hugged hello and goodbye and frequently said, “I love you man.”. But I had this nagging doubt. I was afraid I had failed to convey how important to me she was. As open as I am in writing, I am much less comfortable vocalizing my feelings.

My gift? Her other 14 year old twin daughter introduced me to someone as her mom’s best friend. I couldn’t breathe for a second. Then I asked hubby if I had heard her correctly. He said yes. Now, I am a 39 year old woman, well past the point in life where I need anyone to assure me that I am their one and only BFF. However, hearing her daughter say that I was her mom’s best friend absolutely meant the world to me. I know she had many other close friends. But I also now know that Gina did know how important she was to me and how much I loved her. Thanks to her daughter.

I can’t begin to imagine how her family is feeling or how they will deal with their tremendous loss. I do know that they helped me a great deal last night. I only hope I can somehow return the favor.

Thanks for stopping by!

The waking up is the hardest part

You roll outta bed and down on your knees

And for the moment you can hardly breathe

Wondering was she really here?

Is she standing in my room?

No she’s not, ’cause she’s gone, gone, gone, gone, gone….”

- Dreaming With A Broken Heart by John Mayer

Gina died around 1am this morning. I don’t know anything more than that. I couldn’t bear to hear any details. I don’t want to know. Selfish? Maybe.

I can’t believe she’s gone. I don’t know why I’m shocked. I am. Of course I knew she was dying, that there was nothing more any doctors could do for her. I think it’s still somewhat shocking because I just couldn’t believe that this feisty, brave, amazing woman could ever lose this battle. And now she’s gone.

This new job I have? She would have been all over it too. She would have been excited as hell for me and would have wanted me to pass along her resume. Immediately. It’s so bizarre that she doesn’t know about it at all. I can’t just pick up the phone to tell my friend my good news. I can’t talk to her ever again. About anything. Ever. Her phone number is stored in my cell phone. It doesn’t matter. I am thinking of calling it to hear her voice on her voice mail message. I’m afraid of who may pick up. Definitely someone for whom her death is even more painful than it is for me.

It was right around this time three years ago when another friend’s mother died suddenly. I’m sorry to say that I don’t know the exact date of her death but it was right before Christmas and it was out of the blue, completely unexpected. I realized at some point that her death marked the beginning of my unraveling. Her death was the first in a series of unfortunate events that sparked….something. I don’t know what to call it really. A downward spiral. A new journey on a path to self-awareness. All of those things.

And I wonder today, as I try to find the lesson in this unfortunate event, if this means I have somehow come full circle. I wonder if this death, almost exactly three years from the beginning of my unraveling or journey or spiral or whatever….I wonder what it means.

All I know for sure is that I miss my friend. Her passing leaves a hole in my life and I don’t know if I ever even want to stop accidentally picking up the phone to call her.

Thanks for stopping by.

I had to look at my resume to get the date. April 1999. That’s when Gina and I met. I swear I didn’t know what to make of her at first. Back then I was very reserved, pretty closed off actually. She was the most open and honest person I’d met in a long time. I liked her right away.

She is one of those people that wears her heart on her sleeve. She’ll tell you anything and everything and will tell it just like it is. But she’s not abrupt or blunt or ever hurtful. She’s just this sweet little bundle of energy. She told me all about her current life in that first week after we met. I went home that Friday with a dilemma. After listening to all that was going on in her marriage, I wanted to felt compelled to suggest that she divorce her husband. Immediately. That wasn’t something I had ever suggested to anyone in my whole life, let alone someone I had known for one week! I didn’t want to offend her or get all up in her business, but she had opened the door herself by telling me all that she did. I literally worried about what I would say all weekend. If I pissed off my new co-worker my first week there, my life could be miserable plus I just didn’t want to hurt her feelings.

When I got to work on Monday I was determined to tell this lovely woman how much she didn’t deserve to be stuck in this awful marriage. I was going to do it as nicely as I could and I was hoping she wouldn’t hit me. She is Italian…has quite a temper.

She looked ecstatic when I saw her. She had some big news. I was nervous as hell. Her news? She had left him. I didn’t have to say a word. I did admit to having worried about this all weekend and we had a good laugh. And that’s how we became friends over 10 years ago.

Our Trip To Hershey PA

Over the years we worked together twice at two different companies. We went through all sorts of work-related drama and nonsense together. We shared all of our personal drama and nonsense. We probably met for lunch about 1,000,000 times. One time I forgot and left her sitting in a Friday’s waiting for me. Did I mention her temper? When she called me that day (I was still working away at my desk, having completely forgotten our plans), she was pissed! I felt awful. I contended that the all-important confirmation call should have been made. She told me to fuck off for leaving her sitting there looking like an idiot. And then we laughed about it. I never forgot a lunch date again!

We did have one real argument that I can remember. For a brief time she was my manager. I didn’t agree with several of her decisions and at one point suggested that she shove a clipboard up her ass. We ended up laughing about that too.

She’s always said, “people tell me things”. She’s always the first to hear the juiciest gossip. And it’s true. People do tell her things. She makes everyone feel as if they can. Whenever I would call to tell her some gossip she’d already heard about it, weeks before. It became my mission to get the scoop before her at least once. The first time I pulled that off was a triumphant day for me.

This is how I remember her. These moments where we seemed to be sharing a brain. These moments where we were just plain being silly. We’ve had a lot of fun over the years and she’s taught me more than she will ever know. Good times.

Thanks for stopping by!

November 2, 2008 was the date I sat down, wrote this post and hit the oft-dreaded publish button for the first time, claiming my own little spot here on the interwebs. I didn’t have much of a clue about why I was doing it or where I was going with it. I now have a pretty firm grasp on why I do it but still not the slightest idea of where it’s going.

I have learned quite a bit over the past year through blogging.

I’ve learned that pretty much no matter what I write about there is at least one person, and usually many more than just one, who reads it and comments or e-mails me to say they’ve been in the same situation or feel the exact same way. I’ve learned that I’m not alone.

I’ve learned that it is possible to develop relationships with people who follow my blog and whose blogs I follow. We have gotten to know each other. Admittedly, we never really know exactly how well we know each other since our primary interactions are through what each of us chooses to expose on our blogs and in our comments. Much can be hidden. The same can be said for people we know in life though. Some of the friends I’ve met through blogging have become facebook friends too, some I communicate with regularly via e-mail, one I have met in person. Some turned out not to be friends at all and/or not who they want people to believe they are. Some lost interest in my blog or I lost interest in theirs. Some stopped blogging and have disappeared. They have all touched me in some way and all taught me something about life or about myself.

I’ve learned a ton about social media. When I started out I had a MySpace account and one e-mail address. Today, I’m on virtually every social networking site there is. I can’t even remember all that I’ve signed up for. MySpace has been completely abandoned. Facebook is private and used primarily for people who I actually know, except my public Facebook Page for this blog. I have an endless number of e-mail addresses. I even know a little about search engine optimization, especially that anyone claiming to be a SEO guru, is in fact, NOT.

I’ve learned that there are multiple cliques within the blogging community. There is always some controversy or other brewing. These always seem to bring out the worst in people, the catty in-fighting hurts us all. This is especially true amongst “mommy-bloggers” which is, unfortunately, the category under which my blog most likely falls. I try to ignore the nonsense. It usually blows over pretty quickly and isn’t nearly as important as anyone involved thought it was.

I’ve learned that blogging is extremely time consuming and much easier to keep up with when not employed than when working full time. I’ve learned that doesn’t bother me and that I somehow find the time because I love it so much.

My most popular blog post by far is Narcissistic Mothers. My least popular post is Are Credit Scores Obsolete. I guess there a lot more people trying to understand their parents and narcissists than there are interested in credit scores or the mortgage industry. Or maybe there are just a lot more professional bloggers out there talking about credit scores and the mortgage industry so my little post didn’t cover any new ground.

That about sums up what I’ve learned this year and I hope to learn even more over the next year. Thank you to everyone who’s reading!

As always, thanks for stopping by!

This one I’m not at all ashamed of and was also written on the day after President Obama was elected.  I feel exactly the same about all of these people as I did a year ago and wouldn’t change a thing about this post.

November 5, 2008:

“All actual heroes are essential men, And all men possible heroes.”
— Elizabeth Barrett Browning

So, Barack Obama is our President-elect! It is amazing to be a part of history. As an Illinoisan, I feel proud. As I listened to his acceptance speech from Grant Park last night, I got chills. But being a great orator doesn’t make him a hero. This country has some very high expectations for him. Will he be our hero? Will he choke, like Chicago sports teams are prone to do, or will he drop back into the pocket and launch the game winning bomb into the end-zone? Only time will tell.

My question to you is…who are your heroes? I don’t mean which famous people do you admire. I mean, who do your personally know that is a hero to you? And why? What role(s) do they play in your life and what about them inspires you?

I have several (in no particular order)…

1. My oldest friend, Lisa. By “oldest”, I’m not referring to her age. We’ve been friends since we were 10 years old. She inspires me because she has three children under the age of five. That’s enough right there! But, that’s not all. She also helps run her hubby’s business and works another job from home. She always has time for her many friends, and makes time to take care of herself. She has a beautiful home, is very creative, a strong faith, and always has a positive attitude. She’s fun, outgoing, and is a great friend. Don’t get me wrong, she has her moments of frustration, anger and anxiety just like the rest of us. But those moments don’t define her and don’t keep her down for long. She has boundless energy and can, and does, everything she sets her mind to.

2. My other friend Lisa. She inspires me because she says exactly what is on her mind and does exactly what she wants to do. That’s not to say that she is selfish, far from it. She is a very generous and caring person and another great friend. Her own adult daughter considers her to be her hero. She’s creative and emotional, tough, but cries at Hallmark commercials. She’s a truly strong woman with a heart of gold.

3. My friend Gina. She is another strong woman with a heart of gold, and also a great friend. She got herself and kids out of a horrible abusive marriage at a time when she wasn’t sure how she was going to pay her phone bill. She successfully got her life back on track as a single mom and later remarried to a wonderful man and became a mom again. Shortly after that she was diagnosed with an extremely aggressive form of breast cancer (http://ww5.komen.org/) and has been fighting for her life ever since. Through it all she hasn’t lost her spunky, outgoing, positive self and has also gone back to college, while still going through chemo.

4. My sister Steph. Despite our eight year age difference, we are very close friends. We sometimes say we share a brain. She inspires me because she is a risk taker. She goes with her gut and throws herself into whatever she has her mind set on. She recently made the decision to leave her successful career because she was required to put in 50+ hours per week and her daughter was suffering developmentally because of it. She has been in business for herself for a year now, working from home, and her daughter has flourished.

5. My hubby. We have had our ups and downs and there were times we weren’t sure we were going to make it. He was taken by surprise by my recent quest for change in my life and no one likes extreme change, especially when they weren’t prepared for it. But he stepped up to the plate and committed himself to change as well. He works side by side with me on improving ourselves and our marriage, and I don’t always make that easy. He’s also started his own business and recently was forced to take a stand on something he believes in and did so with confidence, courage and grace. He is my most loyal supporter and my best friend.

Without exception, my life is better because of these five wonderful people that I am lucky enough to know and love. Did you notice that four of them are Moms and that the fifth is a Dad? Maybe you are someone’s hero and don’t even know it. Who are your heroes?

Thanks for stopping by!

At first I couldn’t remember exactly when we first met.  I did a little research and found the exact date.  December 8, 2008.  We had both been using a blog networking site called Alpha Inventions and she bumped me out of the rotation. I’ll never forgive her for that.    Coincidentally (or is it?), December 8th is also Bodhi Day.

At the time I had only been blogging for a little over a month and really had no clue what I was doing (as opposed to today, when I have exactly 1 clue what I’m doing).  She left me a very sweet comment and we’ve been following each others’ blogs ever since.

We’ve discussed everything from bird poop to abortion.  We’ve both had our fair share of narcissists in our lives and can spot them a mile away (well at least within 40 days or so).  We’ve both learned a lot of lessons the hard way but are grateful for the lessons nonetheless.

Where I can be direct, brutally honest and even blunt, Dawn is laid-back (most of the time), understanding and sometimes writes in almost cryptic, poetic metaphors. I once commented to another blogger who we both follow that she is the angel and I am the devil on her shoulders.  She seems to be a more zen-wise-go-with-the-flow type of person where I’m more of a high-strung-impatient-neurotic-hot-mess.

She lives in another state but is going to be spending a weekend in my area in a few weeks celebrating her birthday.  How cool is it that after talking about our most deep dark secrets and general nonsense for the past few months, we actually get to meet face to face for lunch while she’s here?!

I’m really looking forward to it and hope we have as much fun in person as we do online!

Thanks for stopping by!

It’s not very Zen-like of me, but I do form attachments to my friends.  I am therefore upset when friendships end or change dramatically.  I consider good friends to be just like family and it hurts when they are gone.

My BFF in high school ended our friendship over 15 years ago.  She had become romantically involved with a relative of hubby’s (back then he wasn’t hubby, he was on-again, off-again boyfriend).  While I liked this relative, he wasn’t exactly good boyfriend material.  I tried to warn her but she was in love. At first it was fun double dating and having her around at family functions.  At some point, his extremely jealous and possessive nature took over and things got ugly.

We were in our early 20′s.  I had several different groups of friends with whom I went out to bars 3-4 nights a week.  I loved going out, usually drank too much, sometimes talked to guys (when hubby and I were on one of our 1,000 “breaks”) and generally had a blast.  Her boyfriend didn’t like that, considered me to be a bad influence on her, and did not want her hanging out with me.  There was a lot of drama, usually involving them getting into some argument that had nothing to do with me, and then him calling me at 2am to scream at me about how it was somehow my fault.

I was not a people-pleaser in those days.  I was outspoken and didn’t take kindly to being pulled into their craziness in the middle of the night.  I also didn’t take kindly to his interference in our friendship or the various rifts it caused with a few other members of hubby’s family.  I normally told him to f-off and hung up on him.  Given the chance, at family parties or if I ran into him anywhere, I would normally provoke him by inviting her out to the bars with me or making some snide comment or another.

The bottom line was that she chose to do what he wanted and effectively ended our friendship.  We made a few lame attempts at getting along but the damage had been done.  By the time their relationship inevitably ended, in a dramatic blaze of glory of course, she and I were barely speaking so her official departure from my life wasn’t a major event.

During and immediately following high school we were inseparable.  I practically lived at her house. I thought we’d be BFFs forever.  We shared a lot of great times and were there for each other during not so great times.  Her behavior during her relationship with hubby’s relative was shocking to me.  I never would have guessed that she would have let a guy come between us.  I never would have guessed that she would have done and said some of the things she did.  Still, that was a long time ago, we were both immature and I’ve wondered about her from time to time over the years.

I recently found her on a social networking site.  At first I was excited and almost immediately sent her a request to connect.  Then I started wondering about the potential can of worms our reconnecting could open up for hubby’s family.  It could be big.  It could also be a non-issue at this point.  It’s entirely possible that she wants no part of me or hubby’s family and wouldn’t respond. I finally decided against it.

Maybe we will reconnect someday but sometimes the past is best left in the past.

Thanks for stopping by!

I am a social media addict.  This is of course, in addition to my many other addictions.  I have an addictive personality, it’s how I roll.  Maybe I should start attending random group therapy sessions, like in Fight Club.  Yes, movies are another addiction of mine, and books too, but I digress.  Back to my original addiction….social media.  These days I particularly love blogging (duh) and Facebook but am pretty hooked on twitter too.  It all started with MySpace, which I now consider to be a playground for pervs and children…not a good combo.  I do maintain my account on MySpace just to keep tabs on my nieces and nephews but I rarely use it. 

The reason I’m even writing about any of this is that my fellow social media addict, blogger, mortgage industry professional, weight loss nazi inspiration and online buddy (soul mate?), Tammy, over at A Moment In Time, wrote a blog post about social media that I have been pondering all day.

Basically, she met up, in person, with an old friend from school who she originally connected with on Facebook.  They had a great time and it was as if no time had passed at all.  Later that same day, she saw someone else from her past in a store and ducked out without any interest in connecting with that person at all.  It didn’t seem as if there had been any animosity, just no desire to reconnect.

Pondering this all day, as I tend to do, has led me down two different paths.  The first one is about a friend from high school that I connected with on Facebook when I first joined.  I was thrilled to find out that you could fairly easily connect with folks from high school.  We hadn’t spoken in about twenty years.  We had some ridiculous fight about a year after high school and she basically told me to go to hell.  At the time I was confused and extremely hurt.  It was a petty argument and I thought we were BFFs.  Twenty years later, I was over it and figured she was too.  We did connect briefly on Facebook but she seemed reluctant to really chat and then one day she was gone.  I was dumped again.  This time I’m not confused or hurt.  Her dumping me from her Facebook friends may have nothing to do with me at all.  If she would rather not reconnect, that’s ok.  Sometimes there are people who are better left in the past.

I have a difficult time cutting people off, even when I know I should.  Even when I know they are bad for me.  Even when I really look at the relationship and realize I’m not getting one good thing out of it.  Even when they just aren’t good friends for some reason.  Even when I know they are narcissists, and incapable of real emotion or healthy relationships.  I’ve gotten better at this in recent years but it’s still tough for me to stop all contact.  I think I always hold out hope, despite all evidence to the contrary, that they must care about me or they would just stop all contact with me and move on.  I am always waiting for that one moment when they’ll toss me a crumb of emotion, something that indicates I am important to them and that they do care.  It’s like this carrot that is always there but also always out of reach.  It’s another addiction.

That led me to my second path.  Why do we (most of us anyway) have such a difficult time expressing positive, loving emotions to our friends, family members and acquaintances, even when we feel them.  Assuming we aren’t narcissists and neither are they, just normal flawed humans, why do we hide how we feel?  Why is it so difficult to put ourselves out there and just say, “You’re a good friend.”, “I enjoy spending time with you because…”, “I miss you.” or even “I love you.”. 

I have no trouble expressing emotions with my kids and husband.   But pretty much anyone else, I rarely feel comfortable saying anything close to resembling real feelings.  I’ve gotten better at it, especially in writing, but still struggle with it, particularly in person or even on the phone. 

I suspect that it’s the fear that they will not feel the same way or that even if they do, they will be uncomfortable with me being so honest.  Or, what if they interpret my feelings to mean more than what they are?  If, for example, I were to tell a long-time co-worker that I admire her for some reason, might she then think that I feel our friendship is much closer than she does?  Is it simply a fear of intimacy of any kind?  Fear of rejection?

Isn’t this all ridiculous?  I mean, we all need relationships with our fellow human beings.  We all like to know that we are important, liked, admired, cared for and loved.  Life is so short and the only truly important things in it are our connections with others.  Maybe this is all just psycho-babble brought on by nicotine withdrawal.  Or maybe not. 

Thanks for stopping by!

I miss my girlfriends.  This thought has been rumbling around in the back of my head for quite some time.  I keep pushing it away.  They’ve been busy.  I’ve been….well, I’ve been insane, introspective, unemployed, self-involved, anxious and not all that friendly. 

This thought from the back of my head was forced directly into my consciousness today due to two separate events.  One of my friends is actually out of town for a girl’s weekend right now and I read a blog written by a woman who is also out of town for a girl’s weekend right now.  I’m jealous.

The last time I went on a trip with the girls was the now infamous weekend trip I took last January.  Prior to that was a trip a few of us took the previous November.  That weekend was great.  I was in desperate need of an escape as I was just beginning to realize my marriage and my life were in serious disarray.  We had a blast.  We engaged in all sorts of immature, debaucherous and otherwise unbecoming behavior for a group of 30-something-ish Moms.  Two of them us argued over who would get a 19-ish hot waiter to do horrible things to us right there in the restaurant at lunch.  We stayed up into the wee hours of the morning drinking and laughing like teenagers.  We went gambling.  We got lost, ripped on each other mercilessly and there were even false allegations of bi-curious activity.  Good times.

Even that trip was missing something though.  It was missing one of our friends.  She’s actually the reason that we all know each other in the first place.  She wasn’t there because she had the audacity to get pregnant and was due any day.  Even though we had fun, she was sorely missed.  There had been some discussion of taking a trip in the summer of that year but that had been canceled, also due to said inconvenient-for-and-unapproved-by-me pregnancy.

Then another one of these inconsiderate biatches BFFs got pregnant, thus insuring that we would not be taking our annual trip this past November.  I don’t know where they get off, still having babies when I was done years ago, against my wishes.  Despite my complete lack of understanding and utter selfishness, they did it anyway. 

Preggo #1, Preggo #2 & Me (on the right)

Due to my almost complete nervous breakdown, these two pregnancies and their results (two beautiful and healthy babies – 1 boy, 1 girl), we don’t even see each other as often as we used to, let alone take trips together.  I really miss spending time with them.  We used to get together every couple of weeks.  They all live in close proximity to each other so they do get together a little more often than I do.  They also haven’t been as unfriendly as I have. 

I miss them.  I’m going to make it a priority to see them more often.  They make me laugh, laugh at me, accept me unconditionally (provided that I put up with their ripping on me) and allow me to be myself, craziness and all.  They also put up with me ripping on them, which I do as often as possible, of course.  What are BFFs for?

Thanks for stopping by!

“I don’t want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.” – Oscar Wilde

I’ve got a case of the Mondays.  I didn’t sleep much last night.  The temporary return of my previously chronic insomnia was not welcome.  I’m in no condition to write anything intelligible and in keeping with my last post, I wanted to spread some blog love anyway.  So, here are some of my favorite blogging buddies.  Check them out!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_v90q0ydxMI]

Recipe For Chaos

 Mama Needs 2 Rant

Morse Musings

Transitions And New Beginnings

Overflowing Bookshelf

It’s A Jaime Thing

A Moment In Time

Thanks for stopping by!