“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” – Leo Tolstoy

In my quest to understand and change my dysfunctional patterns of behavior, I have encountered significant resistance from many people in my life.  As I have learned more about myself and instituted certain changes, some people have responded with blatant anger, disagreement and manipulation.  Others have more subtly let me know that they do not appreciate, understand or desire these changes.

Hubby was the first one.  That only makes sense as the first changes I made directly affected him.  He reacted with outrage, denial and insistent demands that I change back.  At the time I thought this was abnormal behavior and that he may, in fact, be evil and/or insane.  He eventually changed his stance completely and I learned more.  I now realize that his initial reactions were perfectly normal, although painful for both of us.  No one wants their world rocked, particularly if they aren’t the ones who initiated the changes and didn’t see it coming.

In our case we had an unspoken but understood “contract”.  This is true in all relationships.  We unconsciously agreed to certain terms.  I would behave one way and he would behave one way in any given situation.  When I started to realize that I was behaving in ways that were not healthy for either of us and started to change those behaviors, I was, in effect, re-writing the contract without his consent.

One of many examples that immediately come to mind is that I unconsciously agreed to never criticize him or anything that he did (in all fairness, this worked both ways, he was not to criticize me either).  Of course I did this anyway from time to time over the years but would always eventually back down.  When I came to the conclusion that this was not healthy for either of us and started to stand my ground, things got ugly. 

My unconscious agreement to never criticize, or to at least back down after daring to criticize, led me to behave in-authentically.  I had to be fake and ignore my own feelings, wants and needs in order to live up to my end of the contract.  It also enabled him to continue to make poor choices and suffer none of the consequences of those choices.  This was clearly not healthy for either of us and I stopped fulfilling this part of the contract.  I started to be honest with him and myself, for the first time in my life. 

As I said, I now understand why he reacted the way he did initially.  Having said that, it is still frightening for me to face the wrath or even subtle disapproval of other loved ones who have a vested personal interest in me living up to my end of the contracts we have together.  They are feeling just as my hubby did in the beginning.  They view my changes as threatening to them.  They are perfectly fine with the contract we have because it allows them to live in denial.  Denial feels like a much safer place than self-awareness, even though it’s a false sense of security.  While I do get it, it is still painful and confusing when I know I’m moving in the right direction and am told that I am not.

Everyone, particularly a person locked into lifelong dysfunctional contracts, fears change.  If I rock the boat, what will happen to them as a result?  I can’t control that.  All I can control is my own choices, reactions and behaviors.  Some of these people will eventually embrace what I am doing as hubby did.  Others may never do so.  We may end up being more distant than we once were or we may end up with no relationship at all.  All I can do is continue on the path that is healthy for me and hope that I don’t lose people who are important to me along the way. 

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