Funny how I forget the lessons I’ve learned. They’ve all been learned the hard way and at some point I behaved accordingly. Then suddenly something will happen to shine a bright light on the reality that I have actually forgotten and slipped back into old thought patterns and behaviors.

This time nothing earth shattering happened. My husband just went out of town for a week. I miss him. We spent a great weekend at a lake house with the kids right before he left. It was nice and relaxing. And then he was gone. This is certainly no tragedy and it’s perfectly normal that I would miss my husband.

It’s more what happened while he was gone that woke me up to some truths about  myself. Coincidentally (or not, depending on how you view these things) I’ve been reading a few books that were seemingly unrelated but all talked about mindfulness and empowerment on some level. So, being more mindful I’ve noticed quite a few things.

First and foremost, my anxiety level is way down. I’m still extremely busy at work. In fact, the end of each month is always busy in my industry and this month is busier than most. Before he even left I had made a decision to stop working too much and stressing myself out about it but I certainly didn’t expect my anxiety to decrease so dramatically. There is a lot more to it than work as it turns out.

The two biggest lessons I had forgotten (and am now writing down so I can be reminded again…just in case) are: 1. I am a capable adult and 2. My husband is not my father.

#1 – I am a capable adult. I forgot this. Somewhere between reuniting with my husband after our separation (during which I felt very capable and empowered) I lost that lesson. I’ve been beating myself up, catastrophizing and just feeling weak and bad about myself in general. In being mindful this week I’ve been thinking about all the evidence there is indicating that I am, in fact, a capable adult. I survived an abusive childhood, I survived marital infidelity, I gave birth to two beautiful baby boys both under not-so-normal circumstances, I’ve been successful in my career, I got myself into therapy 3 years ago when I realized something was very, very wrong, I made huge changes in my relationships and life in general, survived the near-demise of my marriage and career, managed to reconcile with my husband when we seemed worlds apart, went back to college, overcame my public speaking phobia, survived the death of one of my best friends…I could go on and on but you get the idea. I forgot all these things and more. Instead I’ve been focusing on the negative, and even on the potential negative. This has made me feel inadequate, like a basket-case and generally fucked up. I’m not fucked up. I was 3 years ago, no doubt about it, but now…I’m fine. I’m not defective and I don’t need to focus on what I think my shortcomings are. If I am not happy about any aspect of my life I have the power and the tools to change it or at the very least change how I think about it. Period. Duh.

#2 –  My husband is not my father. I don’t consciously think of my husband as my father in a literal sense, that would just be gross. But I do project my father’s behaviors onto my husband, simply because he is the man in my life and the father figure in this house. These two men could not be more different and I’m certain that is the biggest reason I chose him. My father was loud, explosive and abusive. Bigger than life and scary as hell to me as a child. My husband is a nice, caring, even soft-spoken guy. He does get angry and irritated from time to time though just like everyone else. When he is angry I become extremely anxious. He is rarely angry with me but I take it personally and feel almost compelled to fix it. Very old pattern. I learned the lesson that I am not responsible for fixing anything or for his emotions back when we were in marriage counseling. Old patterns die hard when I’m not being mindful.

I’ve noticed for several years now that I also become extremely anxious every weekday around dinner time. I suspected that it was because as a child I was expected to have dinner ready and waiting when my parents came home from work and the consequences of failing to do so were severe. I just didn’t know how to stop this anxious feeling around dinner time. In this week that my husband has been gone I have not felt anxious at dinner time. Not even once. It would be convenient for me to blame my husband for my dinner time anxiety. He’s gone and so is the anxiety. It’s not that simple or his fault. The reality is that he doesn’t expect me to have dinner ready and waiting for him. Even if he did, he is not abusive and…back to #1…I am a capable adult. If he were to become angry with me for not having dinner ready when he got home from work….so what? I’m not a helpless child at the mercy of a tyrant. Plus, he knows where McDonald’s is.

Empowerment. It’s a beautiful thing and a lesson I cannot believe I forgot because it’s SO important. Living in the here and now and being aware (mindful) of old beliefs and patterns that simply are not part of my reality today….another beautiful thing that leads to even more empowerment. I’m not going to bother to try and figure out why I forgot these lessons. I’m just grateful that my husband went out of town for a week, that I chose to read some books that got me thinking, that he’s going to be back home tomorrow, that he is who he is and that I’ve recovered these important lessons.

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As a huge fan of the book I looked forward to the movie release like no other. I read the reviews that said it was a typical chick flick and those that said it was a romantic comedy. Julia Roberts does play the lead and is the queen of romantic comedies so I was disappointed before I even got to the theater, on opening night of course.

My disappointment turned out to be a good thing. I had high expectations before reading all the reviews. Going into it believing that it had been butchered and churned out into yet another Julia Roberts romantic comedy lowered my ridiculously high expectations. I liked the movie more than I probably would have without having read the reviews.

I still like the book MUCH better than the movie. But it was no romantic comedy and was actually pretty good. In fact, if you never read the book, you’ll probably love the movie even more than I did. It’s a drama with some funny parts. Exactly as it should be. Exactly like life.

I loved the book primarily because I identified so strongly with the author and her problems. I read it at a time when I was half out of my mind, hated my life, hated myself and was struggling to figure out why. I had recently discovered, much to my chagrin, that I had actively participated in the creation of the life I had come to loathe. I had just come out of a long and ugly separation from my husband and was about to embark on a reconciliation. I was also alone on a beach in another state, my first solo trip ever, when I read it. The parallels were undeniable. Reading about her brutally honest account of the mess she had made of her life, her realization of the role she played in that mess, the guilt, shame, anxiety and depression she felt and her efforts to find peace made me feel positively euphoric. I was not alone or (entirely) insane!  There was at least one other person out there feeling exactly as I did AND she wasn’t afraid to go public. The book served as an affirmation and gave me hope.

With that explanation out of the way….the movie:

First and foremost the best line of the book was altered for the movie. When Richard from Texas said, “The mosquitoes here are big enough to rape a chicken!”, in the book, I laughed out loud. Alone. On a beach. In another state. That line was altered in the movie. It wasn’t nearly as funny. Apparently you can’t say the word, “rape”, in a PG-13 movie? That one line alone would be worth the R rating. How many teenagers are really seeing this movie anyway?

Secondly, the movie, by necessity, is considerably condensed compared to the book. There was simply too much to cram into 2 hours on screen. Much of what made the book so great was skimmed over or eliminated altogether. The biggest example is that in the book it was extremely clear that her ex-husband hated her with a passion and that bothered her more than anything. This knowledge was integral to understanding her problems.  This was not so clear in the movie. Another example is how incredibly dysfunctional her relationship with David was or how attached she was to him despite him being all wrong for her.

The soundtrack was amazing, including two great songs by Eddie Vedder. I may buy it on iTunes but my relationship with iTunes is currently up in the air so I may have to purchase this soundtrack old school style…on CD.

It was a good movie. It would have been better as a trilogy…Italy, India and then Indonesia. Or maybe even four movies, the first one being pre-Italy, leading up to her trip.  That would have given the film makers enough time to explore, in as much depth as in the book, all of her problems and how each leg of her journey helped her. It would also have given rabid fans of the book (like myself) a chance to anticipate and pay for three or four different movies.

In the end, it is what it is. It’s great if you never read the book and good if you did. What did you think?

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Although I missed it completely, it was widely reported last month here, here, here and here, and many other places according to my extensive research (Google search for” iTunes Hacked”). Apparently Apple was saying this was limited to 400 iTunes accounts and one scumbag app developer.

Not so.

On August 10th, there were 11 purchases made on my iTunes account, all for the same app, all for $159.36 each. The app is called “Original Gangstaz Rock, 2700 Street Cred , Seller: Addmired, Inc” according to the 11 e-mails I received from iTunes confirming these purchases. I did find a website for the developer here but that’s about it. I can’t find the app that costs $149.99+tax that was purchased on my account 11 times. I did not authorize any of these purchases. Just in case you haven’t done the math the grand total is $1752.96.

Obviously I have no idea who did this and none of my other online accounts have any unauthorized activity. I have no idea how they did it either.

We called PayPal and our bank immediately to notify them of the unauthorized charges. PayPal “unauthorized” them but said they automatically go through as soon as the order is placed. They couldn’t stop the charges from hitting our bank. We called the bank and placed stop payments on them and were assured the charges would be bounced and never hit our account.

Not so.

$1752.96 is currently pending to be withdrawn from our account today. The bank isn’t sure if the stop payments will actually bounce these charges because they require 3 business days to guarantee stop payments on electronic payments. No, there is no way for them to manually bounce them even though I called 2 days ago and was assured this wouldn’t happen. No, there is no way for them to make certain that the charges are bounced. We have to wait until tomorrow morning to find out if the stop payments work. Are they magical? Does the bank really have no control over anything at all? They are completely at the mercy of “their system”? Yikes.

If the stop payments do not work, we are temporarily (I’m told) out the $1752.96. We will have to file a claim and there will be an investigation. All fees will be waived, yada, yada, yada.

In the meantime we may or may not be out $1752.96 for up to 45 days even though we called all parties involved immediately upon receiving the e-mails confirming these charges.

As far as iTunes is concerned, their phone number was not answered on the evening this occurred since it was after business hours. The very next morning I completed their “report a problem” form online and still haven’t heard a peep. I called them today and was told I just have to wait 48 hours from when I submitted the problem to receive a response. Yes, even though I was currently on the phone with an iTunes representative there was nothing they could do. Wouldn’t even discuss it. Even though they have over $1700 of mine. Even though I’ve never purchased more than 2 albums in one day the entire time I’ve had an iTunes account. You’d think this highly unusual activity would have alerted their fraud department, if there is one, or something. Even though they’ve known for over a month about a hacking issue similar to what happened to me.

So we wait.

Good times.

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Almost a month. It’s been almost a month since I’ve written a blog post here. I’ve missed it. I started a post last weekend but got lost while writing, was exhausted and finally just gave up on it. That’s the only attempt I’ve made since my last post on July 14th.

I’ve missed a lot more than just writing here on my blog. I’ve missed my sanity, my life, my kids, husband, sister and even our new puppy. I’ve missed the sun, going to the pool and most of this summer. I’ve missed reading and playing and pretty much everything that is enjoyable in life. I’ve missed doctor’s appointments, a blood test that is long overdue and to say my house is a disaster would be an understatement. Ever play Sims? If you have you know that if your Sim doesn’t clean, flies start buzzing around the toilet. I feel like that could be a very real possibility here soon.

What is it that’s taken me away from all that I need and want to do? No, I haven’t been traveling to exotic places (I wish!) or been sick. I’ve been working. A few posts back I declared that I was going to stop taking on additional freelance work. I did do that. I also declared that I was going to focus more on my life and have some balance. I have failed miserably there.

Circumstances beyond my control have created conditions under which my current full time job has become completely unmanageable. I’m working 13+ hours per day and weekends and still not coming close to keeping up with everything. It’s most likely a temporary situation but has been going on for the past 3 weeks and doesn’t look as if it will stop anytime in the very near future. My guess is things will settle down around the middle of September.

The problem is that I can’t wait another month to stop the insanity that has become my life. I have to take back some control of my life and I have to do it now. I am not helpless and no one has a gun to my head. Yes, I am being pulled in 1,000 directions by those who I work for and those who work for me. But ultimately, my days are mine to do with as I see fit. I have fallen back into my old beliefs about people pleasing, only this time those people are not even my family, they are my employers and employees.

That blood test I missed is an annual one that my doctor requires in order to refill a prescription I take daily. I don’t have any of that medication left, haven’t for several weeks. It has started to affect my health. Did I put my foot down at any point last week and go get the damn blood test? Nope. I just kept working. I just kept trying to do what others wanted me to do. I also feel exhausted, depressed and more anxious than I have in a very long time. This is so infuriating as I read my own writing. Why are others more important than I am….to myself??!! Admittedly it’s a bit more complicated than that as it is my job and the paycheck it provides that pay a lot of the bills around here too. However, there is no excuse for not taking care of myself in any way for three weeks. It’s not “them”. Their demands are their demands. It’s me. It’s been my choice to leave this house for one hour one day to get that blood test and I haven’t done it.

That, my friends, is a glimpse into the insanity that is people pleasing or deriving your self-worth from your impressions of what others expect of you. I imagine it could literally kill me if I let it. I was far more out of control in my people pleasing ways with my loved ones and it did almost kill me emotionally. The idea that I could be fired for taking the time to get a blood test is simply an excuse. It has no validity whatsoever. Well, it may, I really have no way of knowing for sure SINCE I DIDN’T GET THE BLOOD TEST!! But, it’s highly unlikely that an hour away from my desk is going to get me fired and if it did….well, would I really want to work for anyone who would fire me for that?

And next week I’m off for three glorious days. We’re going to a friend’s lake house for a few days to get in a vacation before the boys go back to school. There will be no computer, likely no cell phone, and definitely no work. I’m sure everyone at work will survive those three days without me. No one is going to die and the company will be just fine without my presence for three days. Do I really think I’m so important that everything will fall apart if I go get a blood test??!! What the hell is the matter with me?!

Furthermore, despite all that I have been giving up I could still be laid off or even fired tomorrow for reasons that have nothing whatsoever to do with me. I’ve worked hard for many a company that has ended up closing for various reasons. In the end, no matter what I did actually mattered. And I have never been fired for not doing my job in my life. Every thought I’ve had and every action I’ve taken over the past 3 weeks have been completely and utterly irrational. And I know better.

So, I’m not missing any more. I will still work hard and do my best, as always. But I will get that blood test. I will not work myself to death. I will go on vacation next week. Dammit.

Thanks for stopping by!

Growing up I loved all things Snoopy. Ok, I still do. I also always wanted a puppy. I asked for one every single birthday and Christmas. I guess my parents weren’t dog people because I didn’t get my first (and only) puppy until June 17, 1994, when I was 24 years old and out on my own. I remember the date because as my friend and I were driving to the breeder’s home to pick up my first puppy we listened in disbelief to the unfolding drama that was the infamous O.J. Simpson low speed police pursuit in that white SUV.

Anyway, I chose a beagle, because that’s what Snoopy was. I was so in love with that dog and thrilled to finally have a dog of my own. I was on top of training her well and she even slept with me until hubby and I moved in together. He wasn’t as in love with her as I was. She adjusted to our new house rules and hubby just fine. She didn’t do so well when we brought home our first baby. She wanted no part of my oldest son. She avoided him and pretended he didn’t exist. She would deliberately step around the blanket he laid on when he was on the floor as an infant, making sure to never come close to even touching one corner of that blanket. She also started to rebel by peeing in the house from time to time. I figured it was just a jealous stage she would get over. Hubby grew to love her less and less.

One night she woke me up sometime in the wee hours of the morning. I kept telling her to go lay down but she kept coming right back, growing more and more frantic. I finally woke up enough to realize she really needed to go outside and got out of bed. Only she didn’t run downstairs to head out the back door. She ran into the baby’s room. The room she refused to go into, except to pee in when I was downstairs. She was hopping around and whining next to the crib. I went in there and my tiny little preemie who had also had surgery at 3 weeks old due to a birth defect was stuck under a blanket. It was completely covering his head and face and he was struggling to get out of it and struggling to breathe. Well, that dog became my hero that night. She may very well have saved his life and it was the third time in his short time on earth that his life had been in jeopardy. I never swaddled him again. And he is now a healthy 12 year old.

My dog did not fare so well. Her rebellion and peeing in the house stopped after that incident. But then along came baby number two. She had reached her limit. She was not going to accept another one of these little interlopers. She started peeing anywhere and everywhere whenever she could get away with it. It really was awful. We had to replace the carpeting in the entire house and she had to be crated a lot of the time. I had reached my own limit too. I had a full time job, a two year old, a colicky infant and a dog that refused to cooperate. Hubby and I made the difficult decision to give her away when we moved to our new house in 2001. We gave her to someone we knew but I still felt horribly guilty about abandoning her. I told myself I’d never have another dog. They are too much work. Plus I secretly felt undeserving of one because I gave her away.

As my boys have grown the pressure to get a puppy has increased to the point where hubby and I actually started to consider getting them one. They are 12 and almost 10 now. They have been dying for a puppy for years and are old enough to seriously help out with taking care of one. We narrowed it down to either another beagle or a puggle. The search was on. For reasons I still cannot comprehend, the only breeders I found anywhere near me were charging $700-$1500 for them. My mother was in Indiana caring for her elderly mother and told my grandmother about our search for a puppy. My grandmother took it upon herself to look through the newspaper ads stating, “We need to find those boys a puppy that doesn’t cost $700!”. How sweet is that?! They found several breeders in her area and my mother, you know, the one who was never a dog person, went to quite a bit of trouble to pick one out, buy it and drive it all the way home to us today. We are now the proud owners of an 8 week old adorable beagle puppy named Cosmo.

Cosmo

Today, my boys are the happiest kids on earth. I’m thrilled that we finally caved and got them a dog of their own. I know their diligence in taking care of her may slack as the excitement starts to wear off and I may end up being responsible for more of her care than we agreed to. But I also know that they are only kids once, they love her and the excitement and happiness they feel today is well worth it.

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I’ve written before about how my sense of self-worth was (is still to some extent?) tied to my job. I obtained this knowledge when my career was completely derailed as the mortgage industry took a nose dive in 2007. I went from being a VP with a six figure income to being unemployed for a full year. It wasn’t pretty. I felt like a big loser. A failure. I learned a lot in that year. For instance, that I am still me, and still a person worthy of love, even when I am unemployed. I am not my job. I am not worthy of love only when I am working and bringing in the big bucks. Good lesson.

Since I’ve been employed steadily now for longer than I was unemployed I’ve noticed something else. My self-worth is also tied to how much I earn. I took a huge pay cut out of necessity. The VP jobs were few and far between with hundreds of qualified candidates applying for them. I took several steps back. I’ve made some progress as far as promotions. I am back in management. But I’m not making anywhere near six figures these days.

I was bothered by this for several weeks recently as I came to believe that I’m worth more. And I am. But it took a bit longer to see that the amount of money I make does not define me any more than my job title or even lack of employment does. I am worth a lot more than my paycheck. I was taking on way too much work. Any freelance opportunity that came my way, I accepted. There were a few weeks where I was working 13 hour days since I have a full time job already and had to work on the freelance stuff in the evenings.

The thing is that I’ve already got the job I want. More important to me than the money is the fact that I work from home. I don’t have to fight traffic or be stuck in a cubicle all day. And the main reason I wanted to work from home was to have the extra time to spend with my kids and other things that I want to do. So why the hell was I taking on additional work that took more precious time away from what I really want?

Money. I’m not particularly materialistic. I don’t care about expensive cars, houses, jewelry or “stuff”. I do feel more secure when we have money in the bank and I don’t enjoy having to watch every penny I spend at the grocery store. But when I think of how many people in our country alone are in much worse financial shape than we are, not to mention all the people in other countries living under completely inhumane conditions, well, I feel like a shallow snob. Sadly, it does make me feel better about myself to earn an extra raise, bonus or additional pay from a freelance job. It’s mostly the pride in taking care of things, financially speaking, and the security that comes from having extra money for those unexpected emergencies.

But at what cost? The time I so desperately wanted. I’ve spent it working instead. At the ripe old age of 40 I’ve finally learned that if I want something, I am the only one who can obtain it. Clearly I’m a slow learner. And I am the only one who can sabotage myself too. I got what I wanted. I work from home. I like my job. I make decent money. Spending more time on additional work is taking away from what I want and the money is usually long gone by the time the regret sets in over the fact that I have spent my time doing something other than what I want to with it.

Do what you love and the money will follow, right? Starting today, that’s exactly what I’m doing.

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I have to preface this post by stating that it is inspired by this post by Hope and Healing with Elaine. It’s a lengthy but extremely informative article about introverts and in particular, Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) who are introverts. I read The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D (not the same Elaine who wrote the article I mentioned as my inspiration for this post) several years ago. I remember that I got a lot out of it and thought it was an excellent book. I’m going to have to read it again though since I honestly can’t remember why I liked it so much.

Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D describes a HSP:

HSP students work differently from others. They pick up on the subtle things, learning better this way than when over-aroused. If an HSP student is not contributing much to a discussion, it does not necessarily mean they do not understand or are too shy. HSPs often process things better in their heads, or they may be over-aroused. This can be the reason for their not contributing. HSPs are usually very conscientious but underperform when being watched. This also applies to work situations; HSPs can be great employees—good with details, thoughtful and loyal, but they do tend to work best when conditions are quiet and calm. Because HSPs perform less well when being watched, they may be overlooked for a promotion. HSPs tend to socialize less with others, often preferring to process experiences quietly by themselves.

There are many in the psychology field who view being highly sensitive as a psychopathological condition that can be treated via various forms of therapy. Both of the Elaines mentioned above and many others view being highly sensitive simply as a normal and innate personality trait that is misunderstood in our extroverted society.

I do not yet know what to think about it. I do know that I answered yes to the majority of the questions on the self-test. I also know that I can become easily overwhelmed or frazzled and that this happens quite frequently in social situations. However, I don’t socialize less with others in general and have had no problems with obtaining promotions and can successfully perform under stressful working conditions.

I’m pretty outgoing and social. At the same time I am more introverted than most people I know appear to be.  I like parties. I love concerts, and I mean big loud rock concerts. I find it easy to talk to people and don’t feel anxious in social situations. I’ve even overcome my public speaking phobia. I do prefer smaller parties to larger. I like larger parties better if there are several people to whom I am close are also in attendance. I hate loud, overly crowded bars or events. I tend to hit a wall at larger parties where I’m just completely wiped out, depleted and exhausted, even when I’m not the hostess and have no responsibilities other than to enjoy myself. I become over-stimulated and overwhelmed. I just want to go home to some peace and quiet. This does not seem to happen to most people I know.

After reading Elaine’s post I decided to really pay attention to my behavior and feelings at the large July 4th barbecue my family and I attended today. It was a great party hosted by my brother-in-law. There were lots of people there to whom I feel close, including my hubby and sons. I truly had a good time. It was one of the more enjoyable July 4th parties I’ve been to in recent history. Nonetheless, right around the four hour mark, I hit that wall. I hadn’t had too much to drink. Nothing at all was wrong. I was just done. Hubby noticed. I don’t need his permission to leave a party of course, but I still feel badly about it. He insisted it was fine, I had nothing to feel bad about, and that he knew I wanted to leave so I should just go home. I knew he was right but I felt like a wet blanket. A party-pooper. I’ve felt this way before. He and the boys can go all night. Sometimes I can too. But today four hours was enough for me I guess. And really I’m not raining on anyone’s parade as I did not insist that they leave sooner than they want to and my leaving most certainly did not put an end to the party.

Now that I’m home I still feel guilty about leaving. Conversely, I feel relieved to be home. It’s quiet and I’m alone. I do wish hubby and the boys were here relaxing with me but I don’t mind that they wanted to stay. Had I stayed I would probably have felt increasingly overwhelmed, tired and cranky and then I really would have been a party-pooper.

I still don’t know if I’m a highly sensitive person even though I answered yes to most of the questions on the quiz and do get overwhelmed after a while at large social gatherings. It doesn’t add up though since there are some large social gatherings at which I do not hit that wall. Maybe it just depends on other factors (my overall mood, amount of sleep I had the night before, level of stimulating conversation – something that’s very important to me, weather conditions – it was hot and humid today and even rained briefly, my level of alcohol consumption, etc.). Hell, for all I know hormones could even play a part. I guess it doesn’t really matter as long as hubby and I can strike a happy compromise as we did today. He got to stay and I got to leave. Neither of us is upset about the other’s decision. Maybe I’m just an ambivert with more introverted traits and he is an ambivert with more extroverted traits. As long as we’re both happy it’s ok. I just need to stop feeling guilty about it when I do hit the wall.

I welcome your comments on this subject. Do you feel overwhelmed sometimes (or all the time) at large or small social gatherings? If so, how do you handle it? Does this cause conflict between you and your significant other, friends or family? If so, how do you resolve it? Do you consider yourself to be introverted or highly sensitive? If so, what sorts of problems have you encountered as a result?

Thanks for stopping by!

Have A Happy And Safe 4th Of July!

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Direct communication. I learned about this very foreign concept when I was in my late 30′s. Of course I’d always thought that I was communicating directly but in hindsight, I rarely did. I was trained from an early age that whatever I had to say was of no importance and that in order to avoid abuse I had to manipulate people and situations. I did that very well for a long time by people pleasing, holding grudges, playing the martyr, mind-reading, projecting and with denial.

Once I learned, and it was a long slow process, that it was actually ok to simply state exactly what was on my mind I was shocked. The sky didn’t fall. The world didn’t end. Nothing happened at all. Well, that’s not accurate. Others reacted to my new form of communication adversely. They didn’t like it at first. They liked the status quo. Turns out, that is a completely normal reaction to a loved one making major changes. Eventually the entire dynamic of several of my relationships changed entirely. Some of the people with whom I had the most conflict at first ended up joining me in learning direct communication. Hubby is one of those people.

It’s amazing how clueless I was to all that I was not communicating. If I thought it I assumed others thought the same. When they behaved in ways that baffled me and/or were hurtful to me I assumed they didn’t care about my feelings or that I had done something wrong. Later, through direct communication I learned that some of them simply did not understand me and also that some of them did not, in fact, care about my feelings.

Some of them are incapable of caring about anyone else’s feelings. As I became more and more comfortable with direct communication I noticed that those people who are not capable of caring about my feelings are master manipulators themselves who almost never communicate directly. I now have no tolerance for manipulation and indirect communication. I stay away from those people whenever I can. When I can’t, I limit my exposure and the topics I discuss with them.

One of the things that used to frustrate me the most about some people in my life was the way they would not answer questions. Whenever someone would dodge a question, completely ignore a question or answer a question with another question I became extremely confused. I used to think that perhaps I had crossed over some line and asked an inappropriate question or somehow otherwise made them uncomfortable. I felt confused a lot of the time and spent countless hours trying to figure out what I had said that caused the awkward situation.

It turns out that it wasn’t me. It was them. And this is now one of the first red flags that go up when I am getting to know someone new. If I ask questions appropriate to the level of intimacy in our relationship and those questions are repeatedly ignored, dodged or answered with anything less than a direct answer, I know I am dealing with someone who is attempting to manipulate me. It doesn’t mean they have some evil plot to hurt me. It can be something as simple as the person not wanting me to view them in a certain way so they start manipulating the conversation to avoid having to disclose something that they believe will make them look bad.

A recent example is a conversation I was having with a friend. She has been talking to me about her marital problems for months. Whenever we get together I hear story after story about her husband and the arguments they have. At first I was sympathetic and just listened and answered questions if she asked. Eventually I started to notice that major details seemed to be left out of many of the instances that she was telling me about. Things didn’t add up or make sense. So, I started asking questions. She would not answer any of them directly. Suddenly her memory was faulty and she sounded like a politician or a criminal defendant. She was pleading the 5th without telling me that’s what she was doing. She wants me to be on her side when we have these conversations. She does not want me to know the whole truth or see her as anything less than the victimized injured party in what is most definitely a two way street.

The funny thing is that I would actually like her much better if she were able to just be real. If she wants to talk to me about her marital problems, that’s fine, but since she is being selective about what she tells me I have no vested interest in actually listening. I wouldn’t care what she’d done to contribute to her marital problems. I would feel closer to her and more interested in her problems if she would just be herself, warts and all. As it is, it just feels like we have a superficial relationship.

It’s unfortunate that people are unable or unwilling to communicate directly. It’s so much easier than the manipulation that many people (my former self included) choose to engage in instead. It separates us and keeps barriers up that prevent us from reaching any real level of intimacy.

“It is always the false that makes you suffer, the false desires and fears, the false values and ideas, the false relationships between people. Abandon the false and you are free of pain; truth makes happy, truth liberates.” — Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

Thanks for stopping by!

And the winner is….

Maya K.!

Thank you to everyone who participated!

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“If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: “I’m cheap!” – Delta Burke

Hubby has been using ProFlowers to send me bouquets on special occasions for a few years. They’ve been the most beautiful, longest lasting flowers I’ve received. When they contacted me about reviewing their birthday gift baskets I was expecting flowers. I considered asking them to send the product I’d be reviewing to my mother for her birthday next month. You know, that whole kill two birds with one stone thing. Then I thought it would be nice to receive flowers for myself. I was torn. When I finally checked out their selection of birthday gift baskets I was pleasantly surprised to find that they sell a lot more than flowers. And I decided I was definitely keeping the gift basket they sent me to review all for myself. I’ll kill two birds later. Some other way. I really don’t like birds. And I still have to buy my mother a birthday gift.

I digress. This was the gift basket I received from ProFlowers:

Deluxe Lavender Relaxation Spa Basket

I love lavender. I love anything containing the word, “spa”. I love relaxation. I even love baskets. It’s true. My sister says I have a weird attachment to all things wicker. Anyway, this gift basket is fabulous. It smells amazing. You know how sometimes scented lotions and potions and such smell sort of “off”…..a bit fake? Not so in this case. This is the real deal. My gift basket came beautifully wrapped and tied with a bow. I will intend to use the basket for storage but will inevitably make some sort of decoration out of it. You know, so as to properly display the wicker I so love. Plus I’m never organized enough to ever actually use anything for something as practical as storage. So far I’ve smelled every product in the basket and it all smells divinely relaxing. The basket is so jammed full of lotions, soaps and bath supplies that I’m fairly certain I will be able to bathe in lavender for at least a year. Plus none of the guys here in my house will want to use any of it.

The best part? ProFlowers has graciously offered to give another of these fabulous gift baskets away to one lucky reader of this blog. Interested in winning? Here you go:

One lucky winner will receive:

• 1 Deluxe Lavender Relaxation Spa Basket valued at $69.98

How To Enter The Giveaway:

• Visit ProFlowers.

• Return here to leave a comment about what you like best about the Deluxe Lavender Relaxation Spa Basket.

Additional Entries Available:

• Tweet a link to this giveaway and post the permalink of your tweet in the comments section of this post.

• Sign up for So Much More Than A Mom blog updates via e-mail HERE.

• Become a fan of So Much More Than A Mom’s Facebook page HERE.

• Post a link on your own blog back to this giveaway and post your link in the comments section of this post.

• Place an order with ProFlowers.

Details:

• Contest ends at midnight (CDT) Sunday, July11th 2010.

• US Residents only.

• My personal friends and family are not eligible to win (sorry!).

• Winner will be chosen at random and notified on July 12th 2010. Prize will be shipped directly from ProFlowers once all the information has been provided by the winner.

Good luck and thanks for stopping by!