I’ve read quite a bit in various books and articles about psychology and about Buddhism that talk about ”being in the moment” or “being present in the moment”. I’ve never fully understood what this means. It sounded, frankly, like a bunch of self-help psycho-babble and/or vague guru-speak. I was 90% certain that this idea was absolute nonsense because nothing I read adequately explained it’s precise meaning with any clarity.

I was wrong.

I caught a glimpse of the meaning of being present in the moment during my recent trip to the ocean. On that beach with the sun shining, the waves gently rolling in and out, the breeze blowing my hair and the incredible view of the vast expanse of the ocean before me, I was present in the moment. I was not thinking about work or bills or my past or my future. I was enjoying the moment. And that is all it means. It is no more complicated than that. I was making it more complicated than it is in trying to wrap my brain around a concept that seemed too deep or too vague for my neurotic little brain to grasp.

Being present in the moment is extremely difficult for me in my real life. Everything is easier at the beach. Once home I realized that I am rarely just enjoying the moment, or even just experiencing and observing the moment. Not all moments are enjoyable of course. Some moments are painful. Some are just boring. Or are they? It seems that in addition to having monkey mind, which is the primary reason I find it difficult to be present in the moment, I have fixed views on certain moments as they occur and if already dismissed as boring, for example, I don’t even attempt to look at it any other way. And then my mind wanders and I’m not in the moment.

The truth is that in mentally checking out during moments I have judged to be unworthy of my full attention I am likely missing a lot of moments that are absolutely worthy of my attention. In fact they are all more worthy of my attention than the thoughts that run through my head when I do let it wander. Worry over work and bills, past events and possible future events….none of this is more worthy of my attention than whatever is currently going on. I can’t change the past and can’t control the future. That is not to say that we should never look back or forward. We have to. But I think my time would be better spent in looking back or forward during brief and specific times of my choosing, not just to escape the current moment.

Because this is so difficult for me I turned to research, as I always do, through reading. After reading What Really Matters: Searching for Wisdom in America by Tony Schwartz as suggested to me by my friend Dawn (excellent book, I highly recommend it), I realized why I never found meditation to be particularly helpful in my life. It was relaxing while I was doing it and I was (when I wasn’t doing it wrong) in the moment, but it never translated into any lasting changes in my life. It was the type of meditation I was doing. I was practicing samatha meditation, in which the goal is to completely quiet the mind and focus solely on something other than your own thoughts (breaths, a candle, etc.). While this is a good way to relax and probably even a good way to start, I think vipassana meditation is more beneficial for me. This is an introspective type of meditation in which the focus is on your own thoughts. The idea being to allow whatever thoughts pop into your head to be observed without judgement, as if you are a neutral third party.

From the same book I learned a bit more about gestalt therapy so now I’m reading Gestalt Therapy by Frederick S. Perls. It is a highly technical book,not exactly light reading, but so far I’m learning techniques for staying in the moment. The first and most simple is during every day normal activities to constantly practice thinking, “right now, I am….”. This has proven to be beneficial already after only a few days. I was alone for much of this weekend so I tried it out and it’s sort of like tricking my brain into not worrying or ruminating. It sounds ridiculous at first but it truly does allow me to notice things I never noticed before and to remain in the moment.

For example, during my shower this morning I practiced. As in, “right now I’m washing my hair.”, “right now I’m washing my face”. I told you it sounds ridiculous at first!  In reality what this does is force you to stay in the moment. Literally. And I noticed things I have never noticed before, because I decided long ago that taking a shower is a boring necessity not worthy of my attention so my mind normally wanders all over the place. Today I noticed the sun streaming in through the window, how the shower spray feels like rain, how silky my hair feels with conditioner in it, etc…you get the idea. It was an eye opening experience during a “task” that I normally am somewhat annoyed that I have to even waste time doing and one that has become completely automatic.

None of the things I noticed in the shower may sound important but the idea is that we live most of our lives in this auto-pilot, checked-out state. Imagine the possibilities, especially in our relationships with others, if we were truly focusing our full attention in the moment. I’m guessing that I will notice things about people I’ve known forever that I never noticed before. Voice inflections, facial expressions, the possibilities seem endless. I’m interested in hearing from you about this if it is of interest to you. How do you stay in the moment and what have you noticed?

Thanks for stopping by!

I’ve never gotten into poetry. I’ve read some that I’ve liked. Love is a Dog From Hell by Charles Bukowski is one of my favorites. I prefer gritty and real poems that elicit an emotional response and magically create incredible imagery without stooping to flowery metaphors or sappy sentiments. I like the dark side of poetry.

I’ve never been to a poetry reading. It never really occurred to me that hearing the poem spoken by the poet himself can bring it to life in a way that reading it simply cannot do. That is one thing I learned while on my road trip this weekend.

Ani DiFranco

The focal point of the trip was to attend an Ani DiFranco concert in Des Moines, IA at an indescribably beautiful and intimate venue; The Hoyt Sherman Theater, which is worthy of a blog post in itself. I would happily have spent the evening exploring all the rooms and nooks and crannies of this place. I’m certain there is at least one secret room and/or passageway. But I digress…Ani did not disappoint. That such powerful lyrics and incredible vocals emanate from this adorable, tiny woman blew me away. Her political songs are exceptionally written and performed but it’s her more personal, emotional songs that get me. This was my favorite song of the night:

Having said all that, it was her opening act that really got me. Buddy Wakefield. He’s a poet. But he doesn’t read his poems. He performs them, complete with unrestrained emotion, a partner with incredible musical talent, comedy and even dancing. He truly engages the audience. His unique delivery of his poetry that night was the closest I’ve ever come to anything remotely resembling a religious experience. I cannot do him justice by writing about it. He truly is a force that must be seen and heard to appreciate. My favorite poem of the night:

During his brief performance I was alternately brought to tears elicited by the  recognition of emotions he was expressing and tears of laughter. It was as if he put into words, in an authentic yet entertaining way, many of my own experiences and emotions. Others in the audience seemed to feel the same way. The line that hit me like a ton of bricks; ”…all my eggs were in a basket of red flags…”.

I had to buy a souvenir. I thought I wanted one of his CDs so I could hear his poems in his voice but he had a book too. And he was standing right there. Even if he hadn’t been standing right there I probably would have gone for the book anyway because, well, I love books. But he was standing right there so he autographed my book:

I honestly have no idea what it says. My best guess is,  ”For Cyndi, Thank you fort pinwheel and the yes wine, Buddy Wakefield”. What the hell does that mean?! It doesn’t matter. The book is amazing and I’m happy I got it.

This experience was much more than a poetry reading followed by a concert. It was also a revival, a comedy show, a political rally, a therapy session and maybe even a religious experience.

I have much more to say about our little road trip so until next time….

Thanks for stopping by!

Hi. My name is Cyndi and I have a problem. Facebook. To be honest I also have problems with twitter, e-mail, texting, google reader and multiple other online distractions, not to mention multiple offline addictions. Don’t judge.

I’ve seen the following canned (Who writes these things anyway?  Is there some sweatshop somewhere?) Facebook status update a few times over the past several weeks:

WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! Press 1 for English. Press 2 to disconnect until you learn to speak English. And remember— only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you, JESUS CHRIST and the AMERICAN SOLIDER. One died for your soul, the other for your freedom. If you agree… copy and paste in your status

 This one doesn’t make any sense to me. I don’t understand what the first *ahem* sentiment has to do with the second. So, I was pleasantly surprised yesterday when someone I know well posted this as her status. She has been my go-to person for all questions related to Christianity for years. I felt comfortable that asking her about it would not offend her as she is aware that I am a heathen and therefore prone to asking the tough questions, which I did:

I don’t understand this…would Jesus disconnect anyone who doesn’t speak English?

 I admittedly do not know everything there is to know much at all about Christianity or organized religion in general. I am pretty sure I’ve got the basics of Christianity down. I know for certain that one of the more common Christian ideologies is, “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” [Matthew 7:12]. (You’re impressed that I knew the book and verse aren’t you? I love The Internets.) The good old golden rule.

Is it really that offensive to be offered the option of pressing “2″?  And if so, why? If I were in a foreign country and I had to contact some wretched call center for any reason I would be delighted to have the option (even if it was #7 or #212) to reach someone who speaks English. Do unto others, right? Isn’t the truly offensive action in this scenario the fact that you have to contact a call center at all? I’m fairly certain that the concept of the call center originated in hell and that Jesus does not like them anymore than we do. We all know as soon as we dial the number that we will be placed into that dreaded loop of options, excessive hold times and finally will be transferred to someone in another country who will tell us in English that whatever we are asking for is not going to happen and we are just screwed, thankyouverymuch.

My personal favorite canned Facebook update makes much more sense to me. In fact I think whoever came up with it should win some sort of online Facebook-status-writing award or something. It’s as if whoever penned this sentiment somehow knows me and was able to express, much better than I ever could, what I truly feel in my heart and soul:

Please put this on your status if you know someone (or are related to someone) who is an idiot. Idiots affect the lives of everyone. There is still no known cure for stupidity, but we can raise awareness …… 93% wont Copy and Paste this, many because they’re too stupid to know how to copy and paste. Will YOU make this your status for at least one hour?

Thanks for stopping by!

Coincidence:

A sequence of events that although accidental seems to have been planned or arranged.

My mood when I wrote my last post was hopeful. This was due in no small part to the fact that friends of ours were at the hospital eagerly awaiting the birth of their first baby. There is nothing like a new baby to remind us of the joys in life.

The new father in this couple is the same friend whose mother died three years ago. I’ve written about how her death was the first in a series of unfortunate events. I’ve also written about how I wondered if Gina’s death occurring almost exactly three years later meant something.

I still don’t have the answer to that question (or many others for that matter) but I simply cannot believe that it is mere coincidence that Gina died 5 days before the 3rd anniversary of the death of our friend’s mother and that his new baby missed being born on the anniversary of her death by less than 1/2 hour. His new baby was born last night. His mother died 3 years ago today.

What better way to take some of the grief out of the holidays for our friend and his family than to now get to celebrate his new daughter’s birthday at the same time? It’s still tragic that she won’t get to meet her grandma, of course. But a new life has begun and I wonder if the timing is simply just a coincidence. I am happy for our friends and can’t wait to meet the newest member of their family.

Obviously babies are blessings. No doubt. I also believe that lessons can be found in everything. But I cannot consider Gina’s death or our friend’s mother’s sudden death three years ago to be blessings. There are lessons to be learned, but blessings? I can’t see that.

Since I am connected to both the proud new parents and Gina, the timing of these two deaths and this birth seems like it must mean something. Maybe in my attempt to make sense out of my friend’s senseless death I am reading too much into this. Maybe there is such a thing as coincidence.

An acquaintance sent a well-meaning e-mail to me today wishing me a Merry Christmas and ended it by asking me to tell Gina she said hi. It was as if someone had punched me in the stomach. I really couldn’t breathe for a few seconds. I can’t tell Gina she said hi, or anything else. I’m trying, really hard, to convince myself that she will always be with me in spirit. I’m trying to stop thinking that I don’t want her with me in spirit. I want her here in reality. I’m trying not to indulge in wishful thinking. I’m trying to find some faith.

What do you think? Coincidence? Just another person in mourning looking for signs where there are none? Or something else?

Thanks for stopping by!

So I was thinking some more about this whole idea of Limbo and wondering what it was that used to make my life hell when I was forced (by my own inaction or by circumstances truly beyond my control) to deal with periods of limbo.

The obvious is the unknown. When I am in limbo I am unsure of an outcome. I am waiting for something to happen, someone to get back to me or someone to take action. Fear of the unknown causes most people anxiety. For a neurotic worrier such as myself, this was hell. It’s not just fear, it’s constant worrying, dreaming up every possible worst-case scenario, dreaming up every possible acceptable scenario, secretly attached to the expectation of the best possible case scenario. It’s actually fear that my own worst-case scenario will occur or that if my best-case scenario does not occur all hope for happiness will be forever lost, not simply the fear of the unknown. This is an extreme and dramatic way to look at the unknown.

At times in the past, it was I who could have taken action but didn’t realize it. I spent my life simply reacting to things which seemed to simply happen. I had not one clue that I was capable of taking responsibility for some aspects of my life. I was not helpless or trapped by anything other than my own fear. There’s that word again. Fear. In these instances it was still fear of the unknown but also fear of making the wrong decision and having only myself to blame. Fear that others would not love me if the secret of my imperfection were to get out. Fear of failure, rejection, fear of everything.

The unknown is really just that…unknown. It’s not anything to fear. It’s pointless to fear it really. It’s certainly pointless to worry about it. Worrying has never solved a single problem for anyone. Ever. In fact, worrying is a distraction that can cloud our judgment and cause us to miss other opportunities that may come along because we’re too busy worrying about something else.

Interestingly enough, today I learned that there is a slight possibility that  a doctor who practices alternative medicine might be able to help my friend Gina. It’s a long shot but definitely worth it. I wonder if her husband had simply given into worrying about what he would do after she was gone if he would have even thought to try something different since all the other doctors have said there is no hope. They are in limbo but still working on doing everything they can to get out of it. Making choices. Maybe all of your prayers and those of everyone who knows her are working. We don’t know what we don’t know.

Thanks for stopping by!

I finally made it to an official Dharma Lesson at the Temple where I’ve been going with my sister for meditation classes.  While my first Dharma lesson was great because it was spontaneous and very intimate, this one was even better because there was some structure.  Each month, we discuss specific topics in order to understand Buddhism, which is extremely complicated (at least for me).

Tonight we discussed Dependent Origination and the wheel of life.

We also discussed the five precepts:

1. To refrain from taking life (non-violence towards sentient life forms)
2. To refrain from taking that which is not given (not committing theft)
3. To refrain from sensual (including sexual) misconduct
4. To refrain from lying (speaking truth always)
5. To refrain from intoxicants which lead to loss of mindfulness (specifically, drugs and alcohol)

Yikes.  I’m going to have a problem with #1.  No, I’m not a serial killer.  When Buddhists refer to sentient life forms they are talking about animals too.  Like steak cows.  I like steak and burgers and hot dogs, bacon, brats, chicken, fish, shrimp, etc.  #5 is also going to be problematic for me.  I like to drink a few beers socially.  I have been known to over-indulge from time to time as well.  I like beer.  Am I sounding like Homer Simpson?

Anyway, they gave me an “out”.  Baby steps.  As long as you attempt to refrain from these five things, it’s all good.  Any improvement is progress.  As an example, they suggested that carnivores start off eating only vegetables one day during a month, then two days, then three….you get the idea.

I did get an answer to my question.  Yes, they do believe that children born into abusive families had a lot of bad Karma in their previous life.  They did make a distinction between the parent who takes out his/her anger about other things on their children vs. parents who simply cannot control their tempers when they are angered by things the children actually do.  I didn’t understand why this distinction was pointed out.  Maybe it will come to me later.  Maybe I’ll ask next month.  Maybe one of you has some idea?

Thanks for stopping by!

One of my best friends has been battling breast cancer for over two years now.  I’ve written about her before.  Here.  Here.  Here.  Here.  Here.  Here.  And here.

Through it all, she has still never lost her positive outlook and is always trying new things and thinking up different ways to find some happiness and peace.  In fact, there has been some discussion about her starting a blog.  I hope she does it.  I think she’s probably a gifted writer and I know that she has a lot to share.

What I’m hoping for today though is that the scans she’s having done today to find out if her most recent round of chemo did its job, come back indicating that it did.  So, I’m just sending my hope for her remission out there into the universe and thinking positive thoughts for her and her family today.

As she and I always say to each other (even sober)…Gina, I love you man! 

Thanks for stopping by!

**UPDATE: 

Well I must admit I am a bit disappointed with my scans.  In a nutshell, there has been disease progression.  The 2 nodules in my lungs that had previously shrunk are now back to their original size.  However, the good news is that it has NOT spread anywhere else and my tumor markers in my blood have decreased.  What that means is that the tumors are not growing quickly.  I will begin another type of chemo today and we will see how it goes from here.

All I can think of to say at this point is, “fuck!”.

My sister and I went to meditation class last night.  Two other women in my life were considering going too after reading about my experiences.  It turned out that neither could make it.  I was disappointed at first.  Don’t I get extra Karma points for “recruiting”?

This has been a mild summer here in Chicagoland.  Normally at this time of year it’s unbearably hot and humid out almost every day.  This year, it’s been pretty cool.  There was a week where the temps were in the 90′s earlier in the summer but lately…not so much.  This week it’s finally been hotter, in the 80′s.

I love summer.  I don’t even mind the unbearable heat and humidity as long as I’m outside at a pool soaking up some rays or at a barbecue or fest.  Most of the year, the temps are well below 40 so summer is a big deal around here.  But I can’t stand being hot and sweaty indoors.  It’s gross and uncomfortable.

Because it’s been so unseasonably cool so far this summer (which is almost over by the way and I’m not happy about this at all), there was something that I never noticed about the temple where meditation class is held.  THERE IS NO AIR CONDITIONING.

It was like a freakin’ oven in there.  The temple is an old converted barn with high ceilings.  There are ceiling fans but they are about 15 feet up.  For reasons that I do not understand, the front doors were not open either.  It was actually pretty breezy out last night and I’m sure some air coming in would have helped.

Did I mention that during the actual sitting meditation period, we also have to cover our legs with a heavy towel?  Something about protecting the knees.  We were all sitting there sweating in places a person should not sweat for the entire meditation.  That made it difficult to think about anything but getting the hell out of there.

I still did ok, considering the inhumane conditions.  I managed to stay pretty focused for most of the time.  But, by the final 10 minutes, I kept opening my eyes to check the clock.  I felt somewhat relaxed afterwards, but mostly just happy to get outside.   I was so happy that the two women I know weren’t able to make it.  If they are anything like me, they may not have enjoyed the sauna-like heat and had a bad first visit.

I’m thinking a fundraiser is in order.  Immediately.  That, or I just don’t go again until fall.  I’m certainly not going to wish for cooler weather.

Thanks for stopping by!

I’m still trying to wrap my brain around everything we discussed at my impromptu Dharma lesson, and what I have subsequently read in the book they gave me that night.  Some of the Buddha’s lessons are difficult for my western mind to grasp.

One thing that I was able to confirm was that the stories in the Sutras are, in fact, believed to be true and 100% accurate, not metaphorical lessons.  The Dharma that we were told sat in a cave meditating for nine years, with no food or water….absolutely true.  This was not a metaphor for the underlying lesson.  Buddhists believe it.  I was skeptical and they did have an explanation.  He was in such a meditative state that his bodily functions actually slowed down, to the point that he required nothing, almost as if in a coma.  They also pointed out that no one witnessed him eating or drinking anything, no one was regularly providing him with any sort of nourishment, but conceded it was possible that people were sneaking him food here and there and he may have eaten without anyone reporting it.

Buddhists believe that Jesus was actually in a similar meditative state when he was crucified.  Apparently, in the bible, there is a period of ten years where Jesus was missing.  I didn’t know about that.  Buddhists believe that during those ten years he was in India studying meditation.  They believe that he didn’t actually die on the cross but was in such a meditative state that he felt no pain and his heart rate had slowed down to the point that no pulse could be detected.  Three days later he came out of his meditative state and apparently rose from the dead.

There is no bible in Buddhism, just thousands of Sutras (Buddha’s teachings) that no one could possible get through in one lifetime.  Buddha is not a god.  He was a wise man who uncovered all of the truths that the religion is based on, many of which are scientific and psychological in nature.  He is thanked for his teachings and even prayed to but has no god-like powers and did not create man.

Karma is the idea that what goes around comes around, in thoughts, intentions and in actions.  Bad Karma may come back to you in this lifetime or in another.  Bad Karma that comes back to you in this lifetime could be due to something you did as a child or something you did four lifetimes ago.  People with a lot of bad Karma can come back in the next life as a lessor being, such as an animal, or in a much less fortunate situation, such as poverty in a third world country.

Buddhists believe that dreams are actually recollections of past lives, particularly recurring dreams.  Our translator told a story about a dream she has had her whole life.  In her dream, she and her cousin fall into a river and drown.  She only has this dream when she is sick and when she wakes up, it feels very real.  After all these years, she finally mentioned the dream to her cousin who said that now he finally knows why he’s always had such an irrational fear of water.  They believe that in a previous life, they drowned.

It’s all fascinating to me and I can’t wait to learn more.

Thanks for stopping by!

Being the slacker that I am, I missed meditation class last time.  I felt bad about it at the time.  I didn’t feel guilty or as if I were letting anyone else down.  I felt bad about it because it’s something I enjoy doing and I let my crankiness and exhaustion that day keep me from doing something I enjoy and that probably would have led to me feeling less cranky and exhausted.  I let myself down.

As always seems to be the case, particularly where my interest in Buddhism and meditation are concerned, it all worked out.  Everything happens for a reason.  Yes, I know that’s a cliche.  Nevertheless, it turned out to be good that I didn’t go to the last meditation class.

I arrived for tonight’s class and there were only three cars in the parking lot.  I figured class must have been canceled but went in to find out anyway.  Class was canceled because the Venerable who normally leads our class is out of town.  This information was passed along to everyone who got their lazy butts to class last time.  Since I wasn’t there, I didn’t know that.  There was one other person who missed class last time.  There was another Venerable at the temple tonight so she graciously offered to just have an intimate discussion with the two of us about Buddhism and answer any burning questions we had, so that our trip wouldn’t be a waste of time.  How sweet is that?!

So, the two of us got our own personal Dharma lesson.  We talked about karma, reincarnation, heaven, hell, auras, chakras, Buddha, Sutras, meditation, enlightenment, history, past-life regression, Jesus’s connection to Buddhism, desire, suffering, dreams and many other topics.  We talked for over an hour and a half.  It was great and I learned so much.  We even got this book with homework (yay-I love reading and homework!). 

Who says skipping class is all bad?

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