So Much More Than A Mom » Quitting Smoking

A Bad Bad Thing

Cyndi — Thu, 28 May 2009 01:52:15 +0000

“Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.” – Airplane!

I was having writer’s block which almost never happens. The last time it happened I determined it was because I was feeling guilty about bashing Best Buy but then not immediately writing about the resolution. In light of that, I realized that when I have writer’s block, it’s because I’m not writing about something that I need to write about.

Having said that, the “thing” that I haven’t written about is that I fell off the wagon. I smoked. I stayed away from drinking intentionally because that is a major smoking trigger for me. However, on Monday, at a family barbecue, after feeling depressed the day before, happy that hubby was home and having a good time, I drank. I didn’t drink a lot but enough to throw caution to the wind and have a cigarette. That led to another, and another. You smokers know exactly how that goes.

In hindsight, I should not have chosen to quit the Friday before I re-entered the workforce after a year off, but when I chose the date I didn’t know I had a job.

Anyway, no excuses. I caved. I’m not going to beat myself up over it. I’m going to re-group now that I’m not feeling so depressed, read horrible stories about smoking related illnesses and try again. I went 10 days without a single drag. I can do this dammit! I’ll keep you posted.

Thanks for stopping by!

Smoking Myths

Cyndi — Sat, 23 May 2009 16:04:14 +0000

“It’s easy to quit smoking. I’ve done it hundreds of times.” – Mark Twain

I came across this article and found this to be the most interesting part:

Nicotine-induced reductions in length of retaliation were associated with changes in brain metabolism in response to nicotine in brain areas responsible for orienting, planning and processing of emotional stimuli.

I’m interpreting this to mean that people that have few emotional coping skills are much more susceptible to nicotine addiction, because it actually does change their brain chemistry and calm them down. This is contrary to everything I’ve read indicating that it’s actually a stimulant.

This article helps to clear this up, particularly this part:

It’s a common belief among smokers that cigarettes help calm them down when they are stressed. In reality, what happens is that within hours of your last cigarette you will begin to feel the effect of nicotine withdrawal. Symptoms of which include difficulty in concentration, and feeling irritable and agitated. Feeding your nicotine addiction will obviously reverse these effects and make you feel calmer. Therefore, you begin to associate smoking with feeling calm. In fact, there are many other healthier options that can work as effectively, such as breathing exercises.

The truth is, besides the obvious breathing related effects, these are some more actual effects of cigarettes:

The nicotine present in tobacco products causes:
Decreased oxygen to the heart.
Increased blood pressure and heart rate.
Increase in blood clotting.
Damage to cells that line coronary arteries and other blood vessels. – WebMD

So, this nonsense about having a calming effect is 100% false and is just an addict’s delusion. It INCREASES your blood pressure, constricts blood vessels and puts more strain on your heart. None of THAT is relaxing at all.

Today is day NINE people! I’m still cranky as hell and since knowledge is power, thought I’d do some research to remind me why I’m doing this. Now, I have a great day planned with my boys in this beautiful weather to focus on instead of those damn cancer sticks.

Thanks for stopping by!

Quitting Smoking Sucks And I'm Pissed Off

Cyndi — Thu, 21 May 2009 02:41:31 +0000

“Whether you sniff it smoke it eat it or shove it up your ass the result is the same: addiction.” — William S. Burroughs

Day 6 of not smoking. This is the first day that I actually considered smoking. I looked all over my house, my car, even under the couch in the basement. None. I’m not going to buy any. By tomorrow, I will be ecstatic that I didn’t find any tonight, because I would have smoked it. No doubt about it. I’ve heard that the the 6th day is the most difficult. I’ve also heard the same thing about the 3rd day and the 4th day. I’m sure I’ll soon hear that it’s the 10th, 20th or 567th.

I’m not in a good place. In fact, I’m in a very dark place. I’m miserable. My favorite song, Bitch….well, it’s more than fitting this week. I always liked that song because bitch was just one of the many roles that we women play. This week, for me, it’s the only one.

Hubby actually offered to go buy me two cartons of cigarettes. This is a man who has been bugging me to quit for years. Even this pissed me off. He complained about it for years, then when he got what he wanted, he offered to sabotage my efforts. Would he really rather have me die some horrible smoking-related death than deal with the short term hell?

In his defense, there is more going on than just my non-smoking related bitchiness. It is probably related, or at least being blown out of proportion by my non-smoking status, but I’m bitter and resentful about the unevenness in our relationship when it comes to money. I have made this known (again) recently, and I’m sure, have been a horrible bitch about it.

Having said that, he also told me that he wishes I never went on my trip because when I left I was a sweet and affectionate person and now I’m……this. There is way more to this than the trip. In fact, the trip was relaxing and wonderful. It just so happens that I came back to a full time job that I’m still becoming accustomed to after a year off, shattered dreams of building some sort of work-from-home business, no smoking, and probably at least 10 more changes that occurred within a one week period that I am desperately trying to wrap my brain around and figure out what has to change and what I have to get used to.

I’m extremely pissed off that I can’t blog every day. I’m even pissed off that I finally got a chance to blog but I’m too exhausted to even write anything of any substance and am instead, simply further spreading my foul mood. I’m pissed off that I can’t read all my favorite blogs every day too.

I’m not yet certain if this is just a temporary pity party brought on by all these major life changes within the past few days or if there are any red flags in here that I need to be addressing, about myself, my career or my relationships. Honestly, I’m too tired, bitter and pissed off to even attempt to figure any of this out right now.

Aren’t you happy you stopped by?!

Unorganized Nicotine Deprived Thoughts On My Life

Cyndi — Tue, 19 May 2009 00:19:55 +0000

“It has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain when awake.” ~ Mark Twain

I quit smoking this weekend, as I promised myself I would. It wasn’t too bad until yesterday. Today, it’s almost unbearable. At first I was told day 3 was the worst, then day 4, now I’m hearing day 6. I’ll probably go insane by then. Or hurt someone. I guess there’s no difference between the two.

I had a wonderful and relaxing weekend with Gina at The Hershey Hotel and Spa. The spa treatments were some of the best I’ve had. We were pampered in every way and it was a wonderful, fun, relaxing trip. Thanks again to Joanie Winberg and all the sponsors!

I started my new job today as a contract underwriter. It was one of the longest days of my life. It didn’t help that I didn’t get home until late last night from our trip so I didn’t get as much sleep as I would have liked. I’m so not used to the morning or afternoon commutes. I’m not a huge fan of being the new kid on the block. After over 15 years in this industry it’s somewhat demoralizing to have to read guidelines all day.

I could probably live with all that though, I know I’m lucky I have a job and a well-paying one at that. I’m appreciative to those that saw fit to hire me and hope I live up to their expectations. What has me so upset is the realization that I’m missing out on so much of my sons’ lives. I realized this right after my first son was born and I had to go back to work right away. I managed to stuff that incredible sadness down for the past 10 years. After a year off work and being home for them so much more, that overwhelming feeling of grief, regret and helplessness is back, just like when I first went back to work all those years ago.

I’m certainly not the only mom who has had to go through this. I’m just the only one, in my little corner of the world who has to go through this for a second time 10 years later AND who is currently having a pity-party based in no small part on lack of cigarettes. I know they aren’t really sedatives but we smokers have convinced ourselves that they calm our nerves and I could really use that right now.

There’s more to it. In the past year I’ve realized that working in this capacity is not exactly my dream. I once thought it was. It now feels like a stifling self-constructed tomb from which I’m afraid I won’t ever be able to escape.

How do you find that balance between making enough money to maintain a tolerable lifestyle and doing what you love plus having enough time with your family? Is it seriously even possible or just one more fairy tale?

If only I could have just ONE cigarette….

Thanks for stopping by!

Later!

Cyndi — Fri, 15 May 2009 04:59:50 +0000

“We aren’t here for a long time. We’re here for a good time.” - I don’t know, hubby heard it on the radio

So, I have smoked my last one of these….

And will be hanging out here…..

And DEFINITELY having a few of these…

Before I have to go back to this on Monday….

Thanks for stopping by!

Life Changing Events

Cyndi — Thu, 14 May 2009 14:38:58 +0000

“Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it…” — Elizabeth Gilbert

I’m feeling pretty lucky lately. My friend and I won this fabulous trip. WON. How bizarre is that?! I admittedly don’t play the lottery regularly or enter many contests. But still….to win something like this feels so great. I did win $400 on a radio call-in contest when I was 9 years old. At that age, $400 seemed like a lot of money. My parents made me put it into a savings account, which I promptly spent on booze 10 years 12 years later. That was the last time I can remember winning anything. This trip is worth a lot more to me than the actual dollar value.

First of all, I’m a spa-whore. I love facials, massages and pedicures. When I was working I spent a significant amount of time and money on spa treatments. As part of this trip we get THREE different spa treatments….heavenly.

Secondly, I love to travel. I do realize that Pennsylvania isn’t exactly an exotic destination and that there is not a chance in hell that I’ll get to the ocean (my favorite place on earth). However, it is one state that I’ve never visited, although I did drive through it when I was 10 years old, during a nightmarish 18-hour road trip with my family when we moved to Illinois from New York. I remember that it seemed like the longest state ever. I actually may have visited Gettysburg during a field trip I took in the 8th grade to Washington DC but I’m not sure.

Most importantly….my traveling companion. I’m so excited to have this opportunity to hang out with my friend for 3 days. No kids. No husbands. No chemo. No worries. Just us. And chocolate. We’ve been roommates once before and got along just fine. We also seem to have the same thoughts about how we want to spend our time this weekend…..relaxing. She just e-mailed me with this subject line, “t minus 24 hrs 31 min…”. Yep, we’re on the same page.

We may have one worry. In reality, SHE may have one worry….my mood. I am quitting smoking tomorrow. Today I will smoke like a freakin’ chimney (in fact I need to run out to buy more) but tomorrow, I’m done. I’ve already warned her and told her to just smack me if I get cranky. I have no doubt that she will follow through with this, she is Italian. How can I really stay cranky at the epicenter of chocolaty goodness anyway?!

And finally, I haven’t written about this before because it wasn’t a sure thing until today. I have actually landed a job and will be starting on Monday! It’s a contract underwriting position, which means it is temporary and could end at any time (although they do anticipate it to be long-term), but isn’t that the case with any job these days, particularly in the mortgage industry? It seems like a good fit for me, including the option to work from home a few days a week. I’m trying not to get too excited (or anxious) about it, but that is how I roll.

This will end my year of slacking off here at home. In fact, it’s less than two weeks short of a full year of unemployment. It has been a stressful year, constantly worrying about finding a suitable job and paying the bills, feeling guilty for not contributing much financially when every fiber of my being is wired to achieve and earn. It’s also been a year of self-discovery and enjoying being here more for my kids. It led me to start this blog and discover my love of writing too.

All of these things happening at once has my head spinning. I had planned on getting a lot of things done this week that I wasn’t able to do because I was sick. So, as is customary for me, at the very last minute, I have to do all of the things in one day that I wanted to do over the course of the past four days. ARRRGGGHHH!!!! No, I’m not my own worst enemy at all.

Ok, time to stop procrastinating and get to it. I have a very busy day ahead of me.

Thanks for stopping by!

I'm Quitting

Cyndi — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 13:26:16 +0000

“As smoking is to the lungs, so is resentment to the soul; even one puff is bad for you.” – Elizabeth Gilbert

I’m quitting smoking. May 15th.

I’ve been seriously considering quitting for some time now. Like any addict, I haven’t disclosed this information to anyone in order to keep that door open in case I change my mind. For those of you who have never smoked, this sounds ridiculous, and it is. The fact remains that if I tell anyone I’m quitting and then fail to do so, I’m forced to explain myself and deal with the embarrassment of publicly failing, or hide my habit like any other type of addict.

I’ve been down this road many times in my life. I’ve hidden my attempts at quitting, hidden my smoking and then eventually just given in and gone right back to smoking all the time.

I’ve made excuses for, and rationalized my irrational behaviors for years. The last time I quit for any length of time lasted just a few months. I went public with it and did pretty well at first. Then I convinced myself that I was over it and the bargaining started. I can have just one. I’ll just have one to test myself and make sure I’m over it. I probably won’t even like it anymore. Bullshit. That one led to another and then shortly, back to a pack a day.

I won’t go into all the health reasons to quit. We all know what those are. The financial reasons are equally apparent.

My mother has been a 3 pack a day (possibly more, I’m not really sure) smoker for as long as I can remember. She’s had a few health scares in recent years and those are usually what prompts me to think about quitting. As soon as she has recovered, and started smoking again herself, I convince myself that I must have invincible genes and forget about quitting. Also bullshit, we’ve both just been lucky. She had another such scare yesterday. It turned out to be nothing….this time. I don’t want to have scares like that. I don’t want to be my own worst enemy anymore.

Most importantly, I don’t want to leave my kids motherless or set a bad example for them. It is well documented that children learn by example, not by what they are told. Me telling them that they can’t smoke when they grow up because it’s bad for them, while puffing away myself, is ineffective parenting.

What better day to stop smoking than the day Gina and I leave for our trip? It’s about two weeks away so that gives me plenty of time to get used to the idea and talk myself into a real commitment. I can’t smoke in the airport or anywhere else indoors for that matter. I can’t smoke while getting a massage or facial. I can’t smoke around Gina. It will be difficult for me to smoke at all that weekend. It will also be a stress-free, relaxing environment away from my usual routines and habits. They say the first three days are the toughest and I’ll get those under my belt while on a fabulous vacation with my friend.

I’m so doing it this time.

If anyone reading has quit, please comment here with your story…how you quit, when, etc. I’m sure I’ll need to refer back here from time to time to keep my resolve.

Thanks for stopping by!

So Much More Than A Mom » Quitting Smoking

A Bad Bad Thing

“Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.” – Airplane!

Related Reading:

Related posts

Smoking Myths

“It’s easy to quit smoking. I’ve done it hundreds of times.” – Mark Twain

Related Reading:

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Quitting Smoking Sucks And I'm Pissed Off

“Whether you sniff it smoke it eat it or shove it up your ass the result is the same: addiction.” — William S. Burroughs

Related Reading:

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Unorganized Nicotine Deprived Thoughts On My Life

“It has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain when awake.” ~ Mark Twain

Related Reading:

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Later!

“We aren’t here for a long time. We’re here for a good time.” - I don’t know, hubby heard it on the radio

Related Reading:

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Life Changing Events

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I'm Quitting

“As smoking is to the lungs, so is resentment to the soul; even one puff is bad for you.” – Elizabeth Gilbert

Related Reading:

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