As I was driving home from work (thank goodness I have a job to drive home from) today, I was thinking about the complete mess our economy is in and how it all started with the implosion of the mortgage industry. Since I have worked in this industry for over 18 years and for all intents and purposes lost my career that had been previously progressing quite nicely, thankyouverymuch, this is a subject that I think about quite a bit.

Specifically, I was thinking about my many former co-workers and employees who are still unemployed.  I myself was unemployed for almost a full year. I know several people who have been unemployed even longer.  These are not lazy, uneducated or inexperienced people. These people are mortgage professionals. This industry has been hit particularly hard as companies have closed, merged and consolidated.

Still, especially for those of us who have spent our entire adult lives in one line of work, the ideal employment would be with another mortgage lending institution.  It’s what we know.  It’s where we have the most potential for being successful.

With the playing field of potential employers within the mortgage industry having contracted significantly, hundreds of qualified individuals are applying for each and every opening.  During my own job search I went months without so much as a phone call, let alone an interview and I live in a major metropolitain area.

I started to wonder about my acquaintances’ financial situations. I know of several who are in foreclosure or already lost their homes to foreclosure due to their abrupt and prolonged lack of income.  I’m sure a lot of them are facing significant financial hardship that I can’t even begin to know the depths of. Some are single parents.  Some are taking care of their own parents. Some were close to financial disaster when they were working full time due to circumstances in their lives.

It has always been common practice for banks and mortgage companies to run background checks, including credit reports, on potential job applicants. I don’t know if this is still common practice or not.

The United States Unemployment Rate is higher than it’s been in years.  The number of Foreclosures continues to climb. Credit Card Charge Offs are on the rise as well.

If lending institutions are still pulling credit reports as part of their hiring process, and turning away qualified applicants who have less than perfect credit, how is anyone ever going to be able to get back on their feet?

Don’t get me wrong, maintaining good credit and honoring my obligations have always been of utmost importance to me.  Having said that, if you found yourself unemployed for two years and it came down to paying for your kids’ groceries or paying a bill, which would you choose?

I would love to know if TARP Recipients are still pulling credit reports on prospective candidates. If they are, would that not be a disturbingly heinous display of hypocrisy, elitism and even discrimination in today’s economic climate? These companies are insolvent themselves! Their insolvency led to the current economic crisis and the American public has bailed them out. How could they possibly continue to judge (if they are) applicants based on their credit history?

Thanks for stopping by!

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If I have covered this already AND you have read it, then I apologize in advance.  I don’t believe I have ever written about the timeline or details of the series of unfortunate events that led to what I now refer to as my mid-life crisis.  I’m certain I’ve mentioned a few of them in different posts but never put them all together.  Again, if I’m wrong, and have gone all senile about my own blog like a complete moron, I apologize in advance.  If not… read on. 

1.  The mother of a close friend died suddenly a few days before Christmas of 2006 ~ Although I am close to my friend, I didn’t know his mom all that well but her death stayed with me for a long time.  I couldn’t shake the overall feeling of sadness, even weeks after her funeral.  I remember being baffled about this at the time.  I even spoke to another friend’s poor parents (actually it was the newly ordained deacon and his wife that I recently wrote about) about it when I stopped by their house just to run in to pick something up.  Boy, did they not know what they were in for that day!  They truly are lovely and amazing people.  At the time, I chalked it up to feeling so badly for my friend because her death was sudden and literally just days before Christmas.  I now know it was partially sadness for my friend but was also the first time I really pondered my own mortality.  The first time it really sank in that I am aging and will not live forever. 

2.  The sub-prime mortgage industry eventual complete melt-down became apparent and wide-spread, also in December of 2006 ~ I wasn’t working for a sub-prime lender.  However, the seemingly daily news of another lender suddenly ceasing all operations went from, “Look who else is going down and we’re still riding high”, to “Shit.  This is going to be all bad for all of us.”.  The fed was still claiming this problem was contained to the sub-prime arm of the industry but for those of us in the trenches, we knew that barring some miracle, the writing was on the wall for everyone. 

3.  I went on a business trip in January of 2007~ We had our annual sales conference in San Diego where our parent company was assuring us we were “in it for the long haul” but we weren’t convinced.  In the meantime, we partied like frat boys, had a blast staying up late getting bombed and then up at 6am for day-long meetings.  I hadn’t behaved like such a juvenile in many many years and this trip made me remember that I do love to have fun.  It made me realize that I had completely shut off that part of my identity when I became a mom.  This ridiculous long weekend of debauchery is what led me to begin to re-evaluate myself, my choices, my whole life, and most likely led to the theme of this blog too.

4.  My friend Gina was diagnosed with breast cancer~ When she first told me about the lump, I wasn’t concerned at all.  I’ve had them.  I’ve known many women who have.  They usually turn out to be fibroids, infections or easily removable and virtually harmless cysts.  I’ve even known women with breast cancer who had a lumpectomy and some radiation and went on with their lives.  Gina’s actual diagnosis turned out to be the worst possible case scenario in a breast cancer diagnosis.  This not only made me extremely sad for my friend, her family and forced me to consider what life would be like without her.  It also made come face to face with my own mortality again.

5.  Hubby got laid off from his job in May of 2007  ~ He had been struggling career-wise for a couple of years and due to cutbacks, was laid off on a Friday.  That in itself wouldn’t have been huge since I still had my high paying job with excellent benefits, but when combined with #6…..

6.  Two days after being laid off, hubby tore both ACLs~ His dream back in the day had been to be a police officer.  For whatever reason, that never worked out.  He decided to give it one last shot before he was officially over the maximum age limit and test for a county sheriff’s department.  The physical portion of the test took place on the Sunday after he was laid off.  He landed wrong after successfully scaling a 6-foot fence and tore both ACLs.  Football fans will know that tearing one ACL is, at least, a season ending injury.  ACLs cannot be repaired.  They must be replaced.  He didn’t tear his just a little.  Both were completely torn, along with a few other problems, such as his knee caps shifting without the ACLs there to hold them in place.  I consider this to be the straw that broke the camel’s back for my sanity.  He was completely helpless for several weeks.  He then had to have 2 different surgeries several months apart.  All told, he was down for the count for about 4 months.  No disability pay, since he had just lost his job 2 days before.

7.  The mortgage industry complete meltdown was inevitable by June of 2007 -  We knew the ax was going to fall at any moment.  Our company had consolidated offices.  We took on 5 other branches and, as the manager, got to see 1/2 my staff, chosen by the corporate office, lose their jobs.  I didn’t agree with some of the decisions but understood it was a business decision.   I felt horrible for the people that were laid off in this wave.  Many I had known and worked with for years.  I was already having difficulty sleeping for no apparent reason.  That escalated exponentially around this time.   With hubby out of commission and expensive medical treatments, that job was the only thing saving us.  I had to look at this as a lucky break for me.  I had no other choice.  It could just as easily have been me on the chopping block that day.

8.  The death knell for the mortgage industry came in August of 2007 ~ When Wall Street pulled out of purchasing mortgage loans, that was that.  We then knew it was just a matter of days before an announcement was made.  Unfortunately, we were right.  August 20, 2007 was when the announcement came.  I was out of a job.  Luckily, I needed to stay on through January of 2008 to shut down the office.  After that, a generous severance package.  However, no real prospects came along between August and January, since the vast majority of the industry was gone or almost gone.

9.  Therapy ~ I began individual therapy in October of 2007.  Over a year of unrelenting and increasingly serious insomnia which nothing my doctor prescribed would even touch, plus the overwhelming feelings of anger, confusion, depression, anxiety, etc…led me to the conclusion that I needed some help.  I was on the verge of a complete emotional breakdown and that is SO not me.

10.  Marital Problems ~ We began to have some significant issues shortly after I began therapy.  As I began to realize that what I resented and was angry about had been completely ignored (by me) because I was so co-dependent, and set out to correct that situation, things got ugly.  Really ugly.  It was affecting the kids.  We were both home almost every day…fighting.  By the beginning of January of 2008 it was apparent that we could not go on like this.  We began marriage counseling and separated.

11.  Marriage Counseling ~ I’m not going to sugar-coat this.  Marriage counseling is hell.  When two people who can’t even stand to be in the same house anymore and who see every situation from completely opposite perspectives are locked into a room with a person who wants to dig into all the BIG tough issues, it’s absolute torture.  It would have been much easier to have just filed for divorce than to go through all of that.  The end result would have been disastrous, but at the time, it would have been the easy way out of a horrendous situation. 

By April of 2008 we had made vast improvements in marriage counseling, we had both found jobs, and I was planning my solo vacation.  Things were starting to look up and that marked the beginning of the end of my mid-life crisis. 

Was it hell to go through?  YES!  But, in all honesty, without all of these events, I would never have learned all that I have about myself, my husband and life in general.  These events didn’t seem as significant or related at the time as they do in hindsight.  They all sort of just piled up on me until I reached my breaking point.  I am not the same person that I was in December of 2006, and for that, I am eternally grateful for the way this series of unfortunate events affected me.

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First and foremost, as I mentioned in my last pity party post, I am appreciative for how lucky I am.  Today, my friend Jaime over at It’s A Jaime Thing, informed me of a completely devastating situation that a fellow blogger and mom is going through.  Her son was recently diagnosed with leukemia.  This is every parents’ worst nightmare and this family needs help.  PLEASE head on over to her blog at Manic Mother to read their story and make a donation if you can.  Perspective.  Having a sick child, especially THIS sick, would be the absolute worst problem to have.  I remain thankful that I do not have this problem, hope that I never do, and hope little Ezra pulls through this ok.

———————————————————————————————-

Still, I have been contemplating what one thing was making me the most unhappy right now.  Of course, it’s nothing compared to what Ezra and his family are going through.  Nonetheless, it is a problem for me.  It’s my career.  Or, more honestly, my complete lack of career.

As I’ve probably mentioned too many times for this to even be interesting to anyone anymore, I am wired to achieve, perform and earn.  This can be a blessing, as in ambition, drive and financial success. 

It can also be a huge pain in the ass, as when it all came tumbling down along with the rest of our economy in 2007.  Up until that point I had been on a successful career path.  My resume was fairly impressive, indicative of a professional who had worked her way up to the title of VP, running a $100M per month operation and making some serious dough.

When that company closed I got a generous severance package and while still receiving that, found a contract underwriting job, which also paid very well.  It was a professional set-back, in that it wasn’t a step-up, but I was grateful to have a job at all with the mortgage industry in serious trouble.  When that company closed, I went on unemployment.  That lasted almost a year. 

Money has been tight ever since.  It had started to become a serious financial crisis here in our little family.  Luckily, as often happens exactly when it is most needed, a solution presented itself when I finally was offered another contract underwriting position.  I happily accepted and truly do remain grateful for this opportunity.

The people I am working with are great.  The management is flexible and I will be able to work from home a few days a week.  Much of the time we get to wear jeans, which is one of my favorite perks at any job.  It’s a pretty sweet gig.

Having said that, it is not a step-up.  I have no idea if there is any possibility of a career path through this position.  I am low man on the totem poll doing a job that I moved on from over 7 years ago through promotions into management. 

This is the problem, or at least the main one.  I am accustomed to pursuing the next level.  Moving on up.  Right now I’m stuck in a holding pattern of doing a job I’m more than qualified for but that which may not provide much upward mobility, if any.  In fact, since it’s a contracting position, they could choose to end my contract anytime.

This is a precarious and borderline terrifying position for someone like me to be in, professionally speaking.  Up until 2007, I had always been extremely confident in what I was doing and in where I was headed.  My next goal was always at the forefront of my mind and all actions were designed to get me to that goal as quickly as possible.  Without exception, I succeeded in meeting those goals. 

That has all changed.  My goal for this week is to learn the new computer systems as thoroughly and quickly as possible so that I can become productive enough that they will want to continue my contract.  After this week, my goal will be to continue to do the same.  That’s about it.  That’s all I can see for now.

This is completely foreign to me and is the  main cause of my depressive state.  I’m basically hanging on so that we can keep paying the bills.  And that’s it.  No goals of upward mobility.  No real evidence of any future possibility of promotion.  Just getting by day to day.  I do realize this is not the end of the world by any stretch of the imagination and that I am damn lucky to have a decent job that I don’t hate and that pays well.  It’s just not my ideal.  It’s not what I love.  My insides don’t match my outsides.

Thanks for stopping by!

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I have to vehemently disagree with Ms. Glavin’s quote.  I do agree that not all of our current economic ills are the result of criminal activity, although the vast majority of them are.  Where I disagree is that it may have gone undetected for years.  Bullshit.  It was not undetected.  It was blatantly and intentionally overlooked.  It was swept under the rug in the interest of profit.  It was the not-so-secret-dirty-little-secret in the mortgage industry for as long as I was in the business.  In her defense, Ms. Glavin may not actually be aware of this. 

In my over fifteen year career in the mortgage industry I worked in Underwriting, Quality Control and Operations Management.  I worked for several different mortgage lenders (all now closed).  In ALL cases, fraud was detected, confirmed, and very little, if anything was done about it.  The penalty for being a whistle-blower or not going along with policies would be termination.

Some of the terms I heard from upper management in response to an employee detecting and attempting to report fraud were:  “not a team player”, “digs too deep”, “not sales-oriented”, “looking to decline loans”, “not trying to make loans work”, “too conservative”, “deal-killer” and “uncooperative”.

In my role as a Quality Assurance Analyst, it was my job to verify the integrity of the data in the file.  Having said that, even when I confirmed that fraud had been committed, there were no consequences for the perpetrators. 

I wasn’t even allowed to use the word, “fraud”, when contacting a mortgage broker to explain my findings.   I had to use the word, “misrepresentation”.  How ridiculous is that euphemism, considering that the perpetrator had committed a criminal act?  During a police investigation of a bank robbery, for example, are the investigating officers required to use similar euphemisms?  Can you imagine a police officer telling a bank robber, “We have uncovered evidence indicating that ABC Bank was involuntarily relieved of $1,000,000.”?  Of course not.  They say it like it is, such as, “We have uncovered evidence indicating that you robbed ABC Bank of $1,000,000.”.  Why would anyone be required to beat around the bush when confronting a criminal?  Greed.  They wanted more business from these folks, regardless of the quality.  We couldn’t offend them by calling them on their criminal activity or they would take their business elsewhere.

Normally, the loan would be declined, the broker was put on a “watch list” and if no other misrepresentation was confirmed, taken off the watch list within a few months.  That was it.  Occasionally a broker would actually be cut off, but that was extremely rare, especially if the broker in question sent us a lot of business.  We were window dressing so the investors buying our loans could package them as low-risk investments.

I came across this article this morning on Rain City Guide:  Naughty Mortgage Fraud Mom Gets Life Sentence Instead of a Time Out.  It’s about time that stringent penalties are enforced when mortgage fraud is confirmed.  Unfortunately, it’s too late, the damage has already been done.  However, continued accountability and enforcement are necessary for the future of the mortgage industry and our economy in general.

What I’m wondering is, when are the executives running the few lenders that are left going to be held accountable?  It starts from the top down.  Sure, the borrower and/or broker committed the fraud in the first place, but the lender is the one approving the loan anyway.  The culture of production over quality is still very much prevalent, according to my former colleagues who are still working in the business.  Underwriters’ decisions are still overruled by management for the sake of production.  Yet the execs running the show and enforcing policies and procedures are still employed, being paid bonuses and not being prosecuted.  It’s well past the time for the true perpetrators to be held accountable.

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I’m no economist, financial expert or pundit.  I am, however, a 15+ year veteran of the mortgage industry and have been a taxpayer for 23 years.  As such….the current “plan(s)” for bailing out all of these banks really pisses me off.  Yes, that’s official industry lingo.

You can see the complete Bailout Report HERE.

One of the many things that upsets me about all this bailout money is that it’s our money and it’s being given to corporations that are still being run by the same CEOs and management teams that ran them into the ground and caused our current economic crisis.  Why are these people still employed (and receiving ridiculous bonuses)?  My understanding of bonuses is that they are to be rewarded to individuals who have done a good job.  Am I missing something here?  Why aren’t they fired and under investigation and being prosecuted for their shady business practices?

Another of my major problems with this is that these companies are not creating jobs.  They are busy, at least the branches located here in my little corner of the world.  I have interviewed at several of the companies that have received bailout funds and they all told me up front that anywhere from 10-20 hours of overtime per week, including mandatory Saturdays, would be required.  I have several friends currently employed by these companies and they are, in fact, working ridiculous hours.  I also recently took a very unofficial and anonymous poll of folks currently working as Mortgage Underwriters.  The results were astounding…

• 46% of the respondents are required to work overtime every week
• 13% of the respondents are required to work at least every other Saturday
• 54% of the respondents are paid time and a half for overtime
• 63% of the respondents indicated that their employer does not appear to be hiring in order to eliminate the need for overtime

Some of the comments were alarming as well….

• Several mentioned that their employer is still pushing through bad loans. 
• Several mentioned that their employer has told them that if they don’t like the fact that they have to work overtime there are plenty of folks willing to replace them.  This is true.  One person even responded the he/she is grateful to have a job and so is not bothered by the overtime one bit.

While I do understand (believe me!) the sentiment behind being grateful to have a job, is it really necessary to work employees like dogs?  Don’t they deserve to have a balance in their lives?  There is no shortage of qualified, unemployed people who would be happy to have a job so there is no reason for this sweatshop environment.

Furthermore, isn’t it their responsibility to taxpayers to create jobs when possible, since we are footing the bill for their managerial ineptitude?  In fact, wouldn’t it be more cost effective to hire more employees at forty hours per week than to pay time and a half to the employees they have?  Don’t the taxpayers have a right to expect them to run the companies as efficiently as possible?

Finally, they are still pushing through bad loans, at least based on the opinions of some of the Underwriters who responded to my poll.  This is simply inexcusable.  It’s yet another short-sighted attempt to keep their own jobs and bonuses.

That’s all from my soapbox for today.  Thanks for stopping by!

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 ”…it’s better in fact to be guilty of manslaughter than of fraud about what is fair and just.” — Plato

I found this article yesterday on Housing Doom….

When I read this guy’s story yesterday I thought, “This has GOT to be fake.  NO ONE would confess to making millions, committing mortgage fraud, and then post it on the internet.”  I was wrong, and he did….read more

I will not dignify or validate this nauseating confession/resume by posting it here, but you can read it if you like by following the link contained in the article written on Housing Doom. 

Basically, this guy was a wholesale account executive who was trained to commit mortgage fraud, among many other transgressions.  He publicly admits to all of this.  Why?  He feels bad about it AND believes he is the best candidate to run a national mortgage fraud prevention organization.

His suggestion that he should be in charge of investigating mortgage fraud, based solely on his experience in committing mortgage fraud, is insulting to those of us who have worked in the mortgage business, and did so with integrity.  This is akin to suggesting that a child abductor is the best person to watch your children because he knows, from his first-hand experience as a criminal, what to look out for.

This jack-ass should not only be forever banned from working in the mortgage business in any capacity, but he should also be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.  He has confessed, in writing, to dozens of crimes.

I can’t decide which of his statements is the MOST appalling, but one of the many things that offends me is that he seems to blame the company he worked for.  It sounds like he is saying he was just some innocent kid, right out of high school, and these evil managers lured him over to the dark side.  I’m not suggesting the folks that trained him are any less culpable.  I am just offended that he insults our intelligence by suggesting that he didn’t know that what he was doing was illegal.

He feels bad about what he did?  Nonsense.  We all know that what he actually feels bad about is that he is no longer making millions of dollars by throwing trusting borrowers under the bus.  When did he develop a “conscience”?  When he got busted, the economy tanked and the money stopped rolling in.

There are thousands of qualified mortgage industry professionals who are in need of employment (myself included).  Our credentials are not based on committing fraud, but on years of uncovering it.  We do not need a confessed criminal policing our already tarnished and shattered industry.

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“Credit is a system whereby a person who can’t pay gets another person who can’t pay to guarantee that he can pay.”  - Charles Dickens

In this current economy where foreclosures, unemployment, bankruptcies and consumer credit defaults are reaching epic levels, are credit scores irrelevant?

A credit score is a numerical expression based on a statistical analysis of a person’s credit files, to represent the creditworthiness of that person. A credit score is primarily based on credit report information, typically sourced from credit bureaus.

Lenders, such as banks and credit card companies, use credit scores to evaluate the potential risk posed by lending money to consumers and to mitigate losses due to bad debt. Lenders use credit scores to determine who qualifies for a loan, at what interest rate, and what credit limits. The use of credit or identity scoring prior to authorizing access or granting credit is an implementation of a trusted system.

Credit scoring is not limited to banks. Other organizations, such as mobile phone companies, insurance companies, employers, landlords, and government departments employ the same techniques. Credit scoring also has a lot of overlap with data mining, which uses many similar techniques. – Wikipedia

With on-time payments being the greatest influence on credit scores, and more and more people unable to make on-time payments, credit scores will drop dramatically. 

What happens when these same people are able to improve their financial situation?  If they had some major credit issues, such as a foreclosure, then it could take years for their scores to increase to acceptable lending standards.  Does that really mean that they are not a credit worthy borrower?

For example, let’s look at a hypothetical scenario.  Three years ago, a mortgage loan officer purchased a $500,000 home on a stated-income, option arm.  His credit score at the time was over 700.  No-brainer.  Three years ago, this deal would have flown through, no questions asked.  Today, he is unemployed, can’t make the re-set payment, is underwater, and loses the house to foreclosure.  He gets a new job in a different industry.  He makes less money than he used to (a LOT less) but it is stable and pays his rent on time for a year.  He’s clearly back on track and in a much better financial position.  He’s probably learned some valuable lessons too, not just about his own personal finances, but about mortgage lending in general.  Unfortunately, his credit score may still be well below the lender’s minimum when he goes to apply for a mortgage loan to purchase a home that he actually can afford.

In this scenario, this borrower is actually a much better credit risk than he was when he purchased the $500,000 home, but under today’s lending guidelines, he would be turned down.  In reality, it was the first loan, on the $500,000 home that should never have been approved. 

Lenders are still relying heavily on credit scores and automated underwriting systems in which credit score is a major determining factor.  If the AUS approves the loan, the lender approves it, in most cases.  This is even if the underwriter has concerns about the loan.  Conversely, even if the loan does make sense, without an AUS approval, it will be declined.  Lenders are still overriding underwriter’s decisions in favor of the AUS decision.

Have we learned nothing from the downfall of our industry (and subseqently the entire economy)?  Isn’t it time to get back to basics, stop relying on statistics, scores and automated decsions?  Shouldn’t an actual person with years of lending experience look at all aspects of an actual borrower and make a prudent decision based on the borrower’s overall current financial situation?

- Also published HERE.

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“I don’t want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don’t want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don’t want to do that.”  – Say Anything

Speaking of my current and prolonged unemployed status…I’ve been actively looking for LEGITIMATE ways to work from home. 

I do have some friends who have actual office jobs where they telecommute (corporate jargon, just a more professional sounding way of saying, “work from home”) a couple days a week or even every day, only going into the office for meetings.  This would be a great situation for me.  So far, no luck.  I’d also like to do some freelance writing or even something in the mortgage business where I could work from my home office.

As I mentioned in my last post, I do enjoy the flexibility that being at home offers me, especially because I don’t have to put my kids in daycare and can be around for them more often.  I love being here in the morning and taking them to school and then being here when they get home.  It makes me a better mom.  It also allows me more time to study and hopefully complete college faster than if I had a regular 9-5 job.  If it weren’t for the lack of income, I would actually be loving this.

Unfortunately, most of what I’m finding out there sound like scams.  You have to sign up, and pay for, some monthly “program” that is described in only the vaguest of terms.  Usually, you are promised that you can set your own schedule and that you determine how much money you’d like to make. 

I don’t want to sell anything, host home parties or recruit anyone.  I’m talking about flipping real estate (yes, some are still claiming this is a viable option even in this market) insurance, jewelry, candles, home decorating products, home cleaning products, cooking supplies, etc.  No, selling is not for me.

I’m sure I’ll be bombarded with these types of offers simply due to the title of this post.  Are there actually any legitimate work from home opportunities like I’ve described, out there?

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“When I quit working, I lost all sense of identity in about fifteen minutes.”  ~Paige Rense

I started this blog with the overall theme that we moms give up a lot of ourselves when we become moms.  I wanted to explore all the other roles that make us who we are. 

When I’m ranting about Best Buy, my role is dissatisfied customer.  When I’m writing about Anthony Bourdain, my role is stalker fan.  You get the idea.

Prior to August 2007, when the bottom fell out of the mortgage industry, one of my roles was crystal clear.  Breadwinner.  I brought home the bacon.  Yes, I made sacrifices but kept as much balance as I could.  That all became shaky in August 2007, and completely disappeared in June 2008 when my last job ended due to cut-backs.

I’ve been unemployed for 8 months.  I haven’t been off work this long since I was 15 years old.  The mortgage industry has always been cyclical and I’ve been laid off before, but always found something even better within a few weeks.  Now, there’s just nothing out there.

I sometimes feel lost, confused, depressed, scared, useless and ashamed.  Other times I feel grateful because I realize how this time has given me a much needed break, the ability to pursue my return to college, and a lot more time with my kids. 

I also feel guilty about the tremendous financial strain my lack of income (besides unemployment) has put on our family.

I have no idea what my role is anymore.  I don’t know what my role will be when I do find a job.  I’m in this weird limbo with no end in sight.  I’m sure I’ll find something but what it will be and how much it will pay I have no idea.

Thanks for stopping by!

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I’ll get this out of the way right now…I don’t make new year’s resolutions so that isn’t what this post is about.  I don’t believe in making promises to yourself based on an arbitrarily chosen date just because it’s what we’re SUPPOSED to do.  I have a tremendous dislike for doing anything that I’m SUPPOSED to do.  What if I’m not ready to make that change until March 1st or June 23rd? 

I did make a resolution somewhere around October 1st, 2007 to attempt to regain some semblance of mental health.  That month I started on a path to self-awareness and I have taken no prisoners.  Most of the work done on that resolution took place during 2008 so now I’m looking back and am amazed, absolutely blown away, by how huge this past year was….

My Marriage:  At this time last year, hubby and I had been fighting pretty much non-stop for 2 months solid.  We were in marriage counseling but were miserable.  A few days after we rang in the new year we separated for 5 months.  Today, we are happier than we have ever been, with ourselves and with each other.  My resolution has had a tremendous impact on both of us individually and on our marriage.  Luckily, he made the same resolution somewhere around March of 2008 and so we were on the same path, instead of the two very different ones we started the year on.

Me:  At some point, after making the resolution to regain some semblance of mental health, I was shocked to discover that I had never had it in the first place.  So, I was forced to revise my resolution to FIND some semblance of mental health.  It may seem like semantics but the difference is monumental.  I spent my 5 month marital separation in virtually constant introspection and very frequent isolation.  I learned a lot about myself and have grown tremendously.  In 2008, I took a solo trip for the very first time in my life, I lost my career, started a business (that didn’t work out but at least I tried), went back to college and discovered a new passion for writing when I became a blogger. 

I’d say that with the exception of currently being unemployed for over 6 months, 2008 was a pretty damn good year!  Yes, there was pain and depression and anxiety and loss.  But there was also tremendous growth, a family saved from divorce, and exciting new opportunities, challenges, and adventures.  I am a better person for having gone through all the ups and downs of the past year and am looking forward to what 2009 brings.

Thanks for stopping by!

Related Reading:

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