Gina’s wake was on Monday evening. I had to work all day and as the day progressed I moved closer and closer towards panic. As is true of everything I can immediately think of, the reality was not nearly as horrific as I imagined. Yet another reason worry and anxiety are destructive wastes of time.

As soon as we walked in one of Gina’s 14 year old twins walked right up to me to say hi. As I hugged her I told her I was so sorry (what else do you say?). She said, “It’s ok.”. This beautiful child who had just lost her mother was telling me it was ok. I’m still speechless.

That encounter got me started. I cried. And cried. And cried. I cried looking at all of the beautiful pictures of my friend.

I cried looking at the closed casket. I cried looking at her daughters, her mother, her sister and brother, her husband and her grandmother. I cried over each and every word that was spoken about her.

I laughed. I laughed when I told hubby he had to dunk the biscotti in his coffee but he tried to break off a piece instead and Gina’s grandmother told him he had to dunk it. I laughed even more when I told her that’s what I said and an aunt chimed in with, “they never listen.”. I’m fairly certain that everyone laughed when Gina’s precocious and apparently attention-loving 3 year old daughter chose the middle of the Priest’s eulogy to proclaim as loudly as possible, “Ready! Set! Go!” and then proceed to run straight across the front of the room at full speed. Repeatedly. Probably about 10 times. I laughed when her sister and I agreed that Gina told her daughter to do that because things were getting way too serious in there.

I received a completely unexpected gift from the most unexpected source. I have secretly been wondering if Gina truly knew how much she meant to me. How much I loved her. See, as close as we were, we weren’t overly vocal about our feelings or particularly affectionate. We hugged hello and goodbye and frequently said, “I love you man.”. But I had this nagging doubt. I was afraid I had failed to convey how important to me she was. As open as I am in writing, I am much less comfortable vocalizing my feelings.

My gift? Her other 14 year old twin daughter introduced me to someone as her mom’s best friend. I couldn’t breathe for a second. Then I asked hubby if I had heard her correctly. He said yes. Now, I am a 39 year old woman, well past the point in life where I need anyone to assure me that I am their one and only BFF. However, hearing her daughter say that I was her mom’s best friend absolutely meant the world to me. I know she had many other close friends. But I also now know that Gina did know how important she was to me and how much I loved her. Thanks to her daughter.

I can’t begin to imagine how her family is feeling or how they will deal with their tremendous loss. I do know that they helped me a great deal last night. I only hope I can somehow return the favor.

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So I was thinking some more about this whole idea of Limbo and wondering what it was that used to make my life hell when I was forced (by my own inaction or by circumstances truly beyond my control) to deal with periods of limbo.

The obvious is the unknown. When I am in limbo I am unsure of an outcome. I am waiting for something to happen, someone to get back to me or someone to take action. Fear of the unknown causes most people anxiety. For a neurotic worrier such as myself, this was hell. It’s not just fear, it’s constant worrying, dreaming up every possible worst-case scenario, dreaming up every possible acceptable scenario, secretly attached to the expectation of the best possible case scenario. It’s actually fear that my own worst-case scenario will occur or that if my best-case scenario does not occur all hope for happiness will be forever lost, not simply the fear of the unknown. This is an extreme and dramatic way to look at the unknown.

At times in the past, it was I who could have taken action but didn’t realize it. I spent my life simply reacting to things which seemed to simply happen. I had not one clue that I was capable of taking responsibility for some aspects of my life. I was not helpless or trapped by anything other than my own fear. There’s that word again. Fear. In these instances it was still fear of the unknown but also fear of making the wrong decision and having only myself to blame. Fear that others would not love me if the secret of my imperfection were to get out. Fear of failure, rejection, fear of everything.

The unknown is really just that…unknown. It’s not anything to fear. It’s pointless to fear it really. It’s certainly pointless to worry about it. Worrying has never solved a single problem for anyone. Ever. In fact, worrying is a distraction that can cloud our judgment and cause us to miss other opportunities that may come along because we’re too busy worrying about something else.

Interestingly enough, today I learned that there is a slight possibility that  a doctor who practices alternative medicine might be able to help my friend Gina. It’s a long shot but definitely worth it. I wonder if her husband had simply given into worrying about what he would do after she was gone if he would have even thought to try something different since all the other doctors have said there is no hope. They are in limbo but still working on doing everything they can to get out of it. Making choices. Maybe all of your prayers and those of everyone who knows her are working. We don’t know what we don’t know.

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I am officially and publicly rededicating myself to changing many thoughts and behaviors that I had vowed to change but have slipped back into old patterns from time to time. These are things that I know are right for me. They may not be right for anyone else and that’s ok. In no particular order, mine are….

• I will not allow myself to be manipulated or manipulate others.
• I will use direct communication to ask for what I want or need from others.
• I will judge others. I will judge myself too. Much lip-service is being paid these days to being non-judgmental. It’s human nature. We all make judgments every single day. They help us decide what is best for us. These judgments can be flexible and knowing that, I will continue to question and challenge my own judgments about others and about myself regularly.
• I will be assertive. I will recognize the difference between assertion and aggression.
• I will speak freely in my life and on my blog. No fear. My opinions and judgments are my own. Others can disagree and have every right to express their opinions. However, I have no less right to express mine just because others don’t agree with them.
• I will remember that my own opinions about myself, my life and anything else are more important to me than those of others.
• I will allow myself to express emotions. The good, the bad and the ugly. I will cry when I am sad. I will not be afraid of my feelings. They are mine and are only harmful to me when I stuff them. The fear of sinking into a deep dark pit of despair causes more anxiety than the emotions themselves.
• I will trust my own instincts, regardless of what others believe.
• I will face my fears and overcome them.
• I will not engage in arguments, debates or conversations with people who are unreasonable, manipulative or simply out to perpetuate their own false image.
• I will stand up for myself when I feel someone is attempting to take advantage of me.
• I will admit when I am wrong.
• I will not apologize for anything I didn’t do.
• I will not doubt myself when I am wrongfully accused of doing anything I did not do.
• I will not accept others’ opinions of me, my words or my actions when I recognize that they are false.
• I will say what I mean. I will not sugar-coat the truth when it is important that the truth be heard.
• I am not obligated to explain my decisions or beliefs to anyone. If an explanation is requested, I may choose to give one but I owe no one.

I think that’s enough for today. I’m sure I’ll think of more. If anyone wants to join me by adding their own personal statements in the comments section, feel free. I may have missed a few of my own and be inspired by yours.

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This quote has become so overused (I have it on magnet) that it’s become a cliché. It’s still one of my favorites (hence, the magnet).  I especially love it because the man who wrote it was not some overly perky seller of how-to-get-rich-quick schemes.  He had a serious dark side and still, wrote this brilliantly simple, positive and true sentiment.

I was reminded of this quote today in the most unlikely (for me) of places.  I attended a luncheon hosted by my friend and her family to celebrate her father’s ordination as a deacon in the Catholic church.  This is the highest ranking position one can hold in the Catholic church without becoming a priest.

My friend’s father had every intention of becoming a priest when he was young.  He was even attending the seminary when he met my friend’s mother.  Meeting her changed his life.  He chose to start a life with her instead of taking the vow of celibacy required of a priest.  He married her, became an accountant, and they had three daughters.  They remained active in the church.  He now has six grandchildren, the oldest of whom is in high school.

Becoming a deacon is not an easy task.  It’s basically like going through college all over again, along with becoming even more active in the church and attending countless retreats.  It was not easy and was intensely time consuming.  He struggled with his decision many times.  In the end, fifty-five years after he thought he gave up his dream, he finally realized it.

I was moved to tears by my friend’s speech at the luncheon.  Among other things, she talked about how proud she was of him for never giving up on his dream.

He is an amazing example to everyone whose lives he touches and also an example of why this quote is so not just a tired old cliché.

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I’m still trying to wrap my brain around everything we discussed at my impromptu Dharma lesson, and what I have subsequently read in the book they gave me that night.  Some of the Buddha’s lessons are difficult for my western mind to grasp.

One thing that I was able to confirm was that the stories in the Sutras are, in fact, believed to be true and 100% accurate, not metaphorical lessons.  The Dharma that we were told sat in a cave meditating for nine years, with no food or water….absolutely true.  This was not a metaphor for the underlying lesson.  Buddhists believe it.  I was skeptical and they did have an explanation.  He was in such a meditative state that his bodily functions actually slowed down, to the point that he required nothing, almost as if in a coma.  They also pointed out that no one witnessed him eating or drinking anything, no one was regularly providing him with any sort of nourishment, but conceded it was possible that people were sneaking him food here and there and he may have eaten without anyone reporting it.

Buddhists believe that Jesus was actually in a similar meditative state when he was crucified.  Apparently, in the bible, there is a period of ten years where Jesus was missing.  I didn’t know about that.  Buddhists believe that during those ten years he was in India studying meditation.  They believe that he didn’t actually die on the cross but was in such a meditative state that he felt no pain and his heart rate had slowed down to the point that no pulse could be detected.  Three days later he came out of his meditative state and apparently rose from the dead.

There is no bible in Buddhism, just thousands of Sutras (Buddha’s teachings) that no one could possible get through in one lifetime.  Buddha is not a god.  He was a wise man who uncovered all of the truths that the religion is based on, many of which are scientific and psychological in nature.  He is thanked for his teachings and even prayed to but has no god-like powers and did not create man.

Karma is the idea that what goes around comes around, in thoughts, intentions and in actions.  Bad Karma may come back to you in this lifetime or in another.  Bad Karma that comes back to you in this lifetime could be due to something you did as a child or something you did four lifetimes ago.  People with a lot of bad Karma can come back in the next life as a lessor being, such as an animal, or in a much less fortunate situation, such as poverty in a third world country.

Buddhists believe that dreams are actually recollections of past lives, particularly recurring dreams.  Our translator told a story about a dream she has had her whole life.  In her dream, she and her cousin fall into a river and drown.  She only has this dream when she is sick and when she wakes up, it feels very real.  After all these years, she finally mentioned the dream to her cousin who said that now he finally knows why he’s always had such an irrational fear of water.  They believe that in a previous life, they drowned.

It’s all fascinating to me and I can’t wait to learn more.

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Being the slacker that I am, I missed meditation class last time.  I felt bad about it at the time.  I didn’t feel guilty or as if I were letting anyone else down.  I felt bad about it because it’s something I enjoy doing and I let my crankiness and exhaustion that day keep me from doing something I enjoy and that probably would have led to me feeling less cranky and exhausted.  I let myself down.

As always seems to be the case, particularly where my interest in Buddhism and meditation are concerned, it all worked out.  Everything happens for a reason.  Yes, I know that’s a cliche.  Nevertheless, it turned out to be good that I didn’t go to the last meditation class.

I arrived for tonight’s class and there were only three cars in the parking lot.  I figured class must have been canceled but went in to find out anyway.  Class was canceled because the Venerable who normally leads our class is out of town.  This information was passed along to everyone who got their lazy butts to class last time.  Since I wasn’t there, I didn’t know that.  There was one other person who missed class last time.  There was another Venerable at the temple tonight so she graciously offered to just have an intimate discussion with the two of us about Buddhism and answer any burning questions we had, so that our trip wouldn’t be a waste of time.  How sweet is that?!

So, the two of us got our own personal Dharma lesson.  We talked about karma, reincarnation, heaven, hell, auras, chakras, Buddha, Sutras, meditation, enlightenment, history, past-life regression, Jesus’s connection to Buddhism, desire, suffering, dreams and many other topics.  We talked for over an hour and a half.  It was great and I learned so much.  We even got this book with homework (yay-I love reading and homework!). 

Who says skipping class is all bad?

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How could I possibly resist a Jung quote?!

After the debacle that was my last meditation class I wasn’t particularly enthusiastic about going tonight.  In fact, hubby has been working a lot of overtime lately and I told him if he needed to work late tonight, it was no big deal for me to miss class.  My sister decided not to go.  I was tired.  I had a lot to do here at home.  I had a pretty crazy day at work.  I had all sorts of excuses not to go.  I went anyway.  I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s good for me.  I was hoping last week was an anomaly.  I was right.

I’m not sure what reaching Nirvana feels like or even how you’re “supposed” to feel when you are meditating.  All I really know is that the idea is to completely empty your mind and attain a feeling of relaxation.  I’ve taken this to mean that in meditation, you are to just….be.

With the last class being the one exception, I have always left class feeling relaxed.  Tonight, though, was an entirely different level of relaxation than I have ever experienced before.

I won’t go through the entire routine of this class again.  If you’re so inclined, you can read about that here.

During the seated portion of class, the part that most people usually think of when they hear about meditation, we are sitting in the lotus position on padded wooden benches.  Our backs are straight.  We cannot lean against the wall.  This is not the most comfortable position to be in.  When I think of comfortable, I think of lying on my soft warm couch.  Losing feeling in my entire right leg, which happens every time, is not so comfortable either.

Despite all of this, I managed to get to a place I’d never been before.  I don’t remember counting breaths.  I don’t remember feeling that old familiar tingling sensation in my right leg right before it goes completely dead.  I’ve never timed it but I believe this portion of the class lasts about a half hour.  Tonight, it felt like a few seconds.

In this uncomfortable position, I actually nodded off several times.  I know this only because I remember my head snapping up, you know what I mean, when you start to fall asleep in a seated position but wake up when your head starts to drop.  The weird thing is that this waking up didn’t snap me out of my relaxed state.  I never opened my eyes or even felt inclined to do so.  I thought of nothing at all the entire time (so unlike me!).  I didn’t feel my right leg fall asleep and I’m still not sure if it did.

I left class both relaxed and invigorated.  A memory popped into my head on my way home that is related to a previous post but that did not come to mind when I was writing that post.  It was a minor revelation of sorts.  It was always there but hidden.  Now it’s in my conscious and connects some dots for me.

Maybe I was so relaxed and had a moment of clarity because I basically took a half hour nap.  Or maybe it’s because I finally got it right.

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Last night I returned to meditation class after three weeks off.  They run the class like any other class, in that there are terms.  Three weeks ago was the end of the first term so last night was the beginning of the second term.  As is true at the beginning of any new term in any type of class, there were lots of newcomers.  It was a lot more crowded than before and as many of the newcomers had no idea what was going on, there was more instruction on how to do things and less time for some of the beginning exercises. 

I wasn’t in the best frame of mind going in.  I had a moderately bad day due to being tired, crappy weather, a hectic evening and a fairly emotional (but good) discussion with hubby about several different issues going on in our lives right now.  I was, however, looking forward to class and the relaxation that it always brings.

I wasn’t concerned about the larger class size and all the newcomers until we got to the walking meditation portion of the class.   This is still my least favorite part of class and this time it was made worse by having to walk outside in the parking lot right off of a busy, noisy, major road.  There were also two grown women giggling uncontrollably through the entire first half of the walking meditation.  Now my BFFs and I have been know to behave like morons from time to time, don’t get me wrong.  But really, in a meditation class?  It was annoying.  The whole point is to be silent and focus on the steady rhythm of the walking.  That was completely blown for me due to the traffic and giggling. 

During my favorite and normally most relaxing part of the class, where we sit in the lotus position in complete silence counting our breaths, the cell phone of the woman directly behind me kept on vibrating.  My right leg fell asleep again.  I couldn’t concentrate to save my life.  Monkey mind had returned with a vengeance.  As we had before, we were to count our breaths, up to ten, and then start over at one.  Over and over again.  We aren’t supposed to go past ten.  This is in an effort to keep you focused.  Sometimes you accidentally let your mind wander and go past ten.  That’s ok, you’re just supposed to refocus and start over at one again.  At one point I counted all the way to sixty-one before realizing my mind was wandering!  I just wasn’t feeling it last night.

At the very end, the instructor of the class told this story about Bodi Dharma.  I’m not sure if it was because I was cranky over the feeling that I had been doing it wrong last night or if the story is just too far fetched for me to wrap my cynical brain around, but I couldn’t wait for the story to end so we could go home.  This is not usual.  I normally love listening to the little lessons at the end of class.  Of course, they had never been this long or this unrealistic sounding before either. 

This brings up a question I’d love the answer to.  I’ve only recently begun meditation class.  I’ve read a little about Buddhism.  I’ve liked everything about it up until this point.  My question, to anyone who knows more about this subject than I, is;  are stories like this to be taken literally?  Do Buddhists truly believe that these unbelievable events actually occurred or are they more like fables, with the lesson being real but the details embellished for effect?

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I went with my sister to my first meditation class last night at a local Buddhist Temple.  As I mentioned before, I have read about meditation but have never been able to do it on my own because my mind wanders.  I figured a guided meditation might help.  I was right.

First, I have to back-track a little.  Almost every weekday, around 4-6pm, I become anxious.  First I get a knot in my stomach that eventually gets worse and worse and then I get irritable.  It took forever but I finally figured out where this was coming from.  That knowledge didn’t stop it from happening.  Yesterday at this time, I didn’t feel it.  No anxiety.  No irritability.  Nothing.  I was cool as a cucumber.  Hmmmm….did the universe know I was going to meditation class later? 

We started off in a standing position.  I wasn’t expecting that.  I thought meditation always involved being seated and still.  Not so.  The beginning meditations were a series of movements and sounds designed to cleanse different body parts or organs of toxins.  I’m not sure if I believe that this actually works but it couldn’t hurt and it was relaxing.

The next part involved walking.  There were two options, fast or slow.  Not having a clue what was going on, I followed my sister in the fast lane.  It was later explained that the walking meditation is to get your blood circulating so that you will sit more comfortably later.  This was my least favorite part.  While it did get the blood pumping, especially in the fast lane, I was not at all focused.  I was looking at all the “stuff” in this foreign (to me) place.  I figured out that you can switch from the fast lane to the slow lane anytime you like.  I later found out that it’s a matter of personal choice to walk slow or fast.  I did both.  The fast lane was less distracting because you had to keep up the pace of the group.  The sound of all those feet booking around was rhythmic. 

After that we all sat on cushions with our shoes off and our legs crossed and began what I think of when I think of meditating.  We closed our eyes and counted our breaths, breathing normally.  We had to count 10 breaths and then start over at 1.  Repeatedly.  For what seemed like at least 45 minutes.  I really have no clue how long this actually was but it felt like forever. 

At first I got really into it.  I was feeling pretty proud of myself.  My mind wasn’t wandering.  I wasn’t thinking about anything.  In fact, I wasn’t feeling anything at all, except relaxed.  Had I already reached Nirvana?!  Nope.  Someone sneezed and broke the spell.  I had a difficult time getting back into it after that.  I noticed that my entire right leg had fallen asleep but I was afraid to move!  I ended up counting to 15 at one point and thought, “I’m doing it wrong”.  Despite this and the discomfort of my now-dead right leg, this part of the class was extremely relaxing and beneficial.

After a short break and another round of walking, we were told a story about a Dharma who brought flowers to Buddha.  Buddha kept telling him to “let it go”, even after the Dharma had already put the flowers down.  The Dharma was confused.  What Buddha meant was let all of it go, all of the stress, all of the problems, all of the anxiety.  This was pretty amazing to me.  Although I know enough about Buddhism to know that this is one of the principles of the religion, the exact phrase, “let it go”, is one I repeat to myself regularly.  It’s the title of a song I love.  It’s even the “greeting” I have on the screen of my cell phone. 

I left the class feeling extremely relaxed.  I loved it.  I will be back every two weeks.

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