So Much More Than A Mom » Family

A Disturbing Trend

Cyndi — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 14:08:53 +0000

“Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They don’t mean to do harm but the harm does not interest them. Or they do not see it, or they justify it. Because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves.” - T. S. Eliot

I’m happy the holidays are over. Don’t get me wrong, we had a nice Christmas. I do love seeing the kids’ faces light up when they open a particularly desired present. Their Grandma got them the cell phones they’ve been bugging us for forever (god help us) but they were just as excited over some Legos.

I love spending time together and playing with all our new toys. I especially love my niece’s new Barbie Dream Townhouse. I always wanted one when I was a kid and now I finally get to play with it pretty much whenever I want. And yes, it is just as fabulous as I imagined. But it’s also nice to get back to normal life and put all the clutter lovely decorations away.

Due to said holidays, I haven’t written a new blog post since December 17th. Normally when I go that long between posts, traffic to my blog significantly decreases. This was not so during the holidays. Traffic actually increased by quite a bit.

My posts about narcissists and particularly the one about narcissistic mothers have always been the most popular posts on my blog. That in itself is disturbing. Well, it’s comforting in a way because it tells me that I am not completely paranoid when I say that they are everywhere and when I see red flags in people all around me every day. Apparently other people see them too. But the fact that there may actually be as many (or more!) of these people walking around as I suspect is also upsetting.

During the holidays this year these posts were on fire. They were viewed by hundreds of people every day. People found them by doing google searches for such terms as, “narcissistic mother”, “children of narcissistic mothers”, “stop being a narcissistic enabler” and “dealing with narcissists“. The list goes on and on but you get the idea. The biggest day for hits to these posts using these search terms? You got it. December 23rd. The day before we all had to attend our respective Christmas Eve parties with our families.

Yikes.

Thanks for stopping by!

Define Family

Cyndi — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 06:29:43 +0000

“You must remember, family is often born of blood, but it doesn’t depend on blood. Nor is it exclusive of friendship. Family members can be your best friends, you know. And best friends, whether or not they are related to you, can be your family.” — Trenton Lee Stewart

How do you define family? Is it as simple as including only people who are related by blood or marriage?

My mother, for example, seems to have a very strict set of rules by which she defines family. In one of the biggest arguments she and I have ever had she pointed out that I am only related to her sisters, brother and mother because I am her daughter. No, it wasn’t a childhood genealogy lesson. I was 27 years old. I had a pretty good handle on how genealogy works. The argument was about who was to be invited to my wedding. We disagreed and she said that her family would be upset with her if I didn’t invite some people that I was not planning on inviting. It was when I pointed out that it was my decision and that our family members would be upset with me and not with her that she felt compelled to point out that they were really more her family than mine. Why can’t memories like that one be repressed I wonder?

It’s not that simple for me. Of course my husband and kids are my immediate family, as is my mother and my sister who is also my closest friend. In addition to my blood relatives and relatives by marriage, I consider the majority of my friends to be my family. In fact, I am closer to many of my friends than I am to most of my relatives.

This is one of the things I love about my husband’s relatives. I’ve always felt like part of the family. His siblings, parents, aunts, uncles and cousins don’t have such strict rules about who is family. Many friends are called aunts, uncles or cousins even though they are not truly related in any way. They are still part of the family.

One friend in particular comes to mind as an excellent example of this. I believe we first came to know him when he became a high school friend of my husband’s brother. My sister met him at a party at my mother’s-in-law house and they dated for a while. Later, he and my husband became friends. Through various parties and holidays my mother-in-law became friends with his parents. We all became friends with his siblings and his girlfriend, who is now his wife. His youngest sister recently completed a high school project by working with my sister for a day. Our lives are all intertwined. They are all family. We’ve disagreed and bickered over the years. There was some awkwardness when he and my sister stopped dating and some more when he started dating his wife since he and my sister had dated yet were still friends. We all moved on from those things and continue to be close after all these years.

One of my girlfriends comes immediately to mind as well. We grew up next door to each other. She and I were roommates for 2 years. Her father gave the eulogy at my father’s funeral. We stood up in each others’ weddings. We’ve spent a lifetime together. Sometimes we’re caught up in the business of day to day life and don’t see each other or talk as often as we’d like. Sometimes we take trips together and see each other quite often. No matter what, we know we’re here for each other, to laugh or to cry with.

Related or not, the people whom you most enjoy spending time with, whom you care about and truly know…that’s family to me.

Thanks for stopping by!

Happy Freakin’ Holidays

Cyndi — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 02:17:32 +0000

“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year. Except we do, because those bastards went and put Christmas right in the middle, just to punish us.” – Home For The Holidays

I’m certain I’ve used this quote before. I don’t care. If I could come up with a decent excuse I’d use it every day. I freakin’ love that movie. They’re so dysfunctional and real.

I’m starting to become disenchanted with the holidays already and we haven’t even made it to Thanksgiving yet. It’s so obligatory. There’s so much pressure. The expectations are so high and so different from person to person. I try not to get involved in any of the nonsense.

We’ve had Christmas Eve at our house for the past 8 years. Both sides of the family and multiple friends are invited. It’s worked out great. This year, hubby’s brother wants to have it at his house. He and his family just bought a house near us and are loving having parties. I resisted at first because I enjoy having it here. I finally caved because he can be, well….”persuasive”, and I figured why not let someone else deal with the hassle and mess for once.

Then the bossy-bosserman decided he wants all holidays at his house. Including Thanksgiving. My mother has Thanksgiving every year for my sister and her family and me and mine. It’s the only holiday she has. We always spend the day over there and then meet up with hubby’s family later in the evening.

Hubby’s brother does not like this one bit. He wants us at his house for dinner. In his defense, he did invite my mother but only after rigorously attempting to persuade her into giving up on having us over to her house. She flipped out, told my sister if we wanted to go to his house then she would just leave town and spend the day with her sisters and mother.

I agree that my brother-in-law can be pushy, but that’s just how he rolls. He’s not pitching a fit because she wouldn’t agree to give up Thanksgiving. He just gave it his best shot. Her temper-tantrum on the other hand, is so typical. And annoying. If she can’t get what she wants then she’ll just take her ball and go home. Ugh. Who knows what she’ll do now that Christmas Eve is not at her daughter’s house and is instead at my brother’s-in-law house. I know she isn’t happy about that but it was my holiday to give away and she is more than welcome at his house.

Apparently last year hubby and I had a spat right before leaving my mother’s house because I had thought we had to leave to go to his family’s at 6 but it was actually 5, and he mentioned that to me….at 5. I’m certain it was not a major blow up of an argument. Probably just some bickering over the correct time and most likely me saying he should have told me sooner. I’m told this was, “awkward”. Now, I’m no fan of public arguments but I don’t even remember this one taking place. And no, I was not drunk. I have no idea why I wasn’t. Note to self….drink more this year. But really, in the grand scheme of things, there is so much dysfunction and awkwardness at these things, could our bickering really have made such an impact that it’s vividly remembered a year later? Or is that just it….it was the only rational awkwardness, the only real conversation that took place that day that made it so memorable?

“Well, that was absurd, let’s eat dead bird!”

Thanks for stopping by!

I’m Not Tired

Cyndi — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 13:22:48 +0000

“Growing up happens in a heartbeat. One day you’re in diapers; the next day you’re gone. But the memories of childhood stay with you for the long haul.” – The Wonder Years

You know how all kids always deny being tired despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary? Well, that’s what this adorable little story on Nick Jr. is about. I don’t know what made me remember this story but I thought of it the other day. It was both of my boys’ first experience with the internet. Back before Steve abandoned Blue for a fabulous movie career (?!), and they were each around 2-3 years old they would sit on our laps and make us play this story over and over again. Both of them loved it.

I’m so happy I found it still up on their website so many years later! Whenever one of them claims to not be tired and they clearly are tired, we still say, “I’m not tired” in this little bird’s voice to this day.

Thanks for stopping by!

The Fun In Dysfunctional

Cyndi — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 05:35:47 +0000

“Tradition is the illusion of permanence.” — Woody Allen

I’m breaking with my usual tradition of parent-bashing after my mother clearly demonstrated to me today that on some level, she does get me. She may not approve or agree with everything I do or say but it does appear that she can sometimes at least see who I am.

Our family has a time honored tradition of using humor to diffuse uncomfortable, painful and awkward situations. I know this tradition is not unique to my family but it is truly the one thread that binds us. My father was the ringleader of this coping mechanism and he taught his daughters well. My mother is a lot more reserved, particularly in public, but she usually does laugh at our shenanigans even if only to not feel left out.

My hubby is a bit more like my mother in this respect. He’s reserved in public but laughs with (at) us most of the time. I sometimes think he secretly wishes we’d just shut up once we really get going. My sister’s hubby is completely on board with us. In fact I think he’s helped us take our game to the next level. Our specialty is inappropriate humor and more specifically, inappropriate humor at inappropriate times or occasions. We have had several conversations that began with, “Remember what you said at that funeral…”. The more twisted the better. Nothing is sacred. There are no boundaries.

I don’t know when it began but one of us must have decided that confessing to things we got away with when we still lived at home during Thanksgiving dinner was a wonderful tradition. We do it every year. I’m actually trying to come up with something for this year. I only have a few weeks left. The pressure is on. We try to out-do each other and the more shocking to my mother, the better.

Today when I came home from work my sister’s car was in front of my house. My mom watches my sons before and after school so I expected her to be here and she was. My sister being here was not at all traditional and I was actually slightly alarmed. The first thought that popped into my head (I did mention twisted, right?!) was that they were doing an intervention. On me. But the only thing I could think of that would require an intervention was blogging. Of course when I came into the house there was no intervention. She had gotten off work early so just came over to hang out. When I half-jokingly said I was afraid it was an intervention my sister said, “Yes it is. For blogging.”. We truly do share a brain.

My mother just laughed at us but said it reminded her of a sign that she saw in a catalog that was perfect for me. She tried to get out of telling me anything more because she hadn’t meant to mention it. She was planning on getting it for me for Christmas. She said as soon as she saw it she thought, “Cyndi”. Another tradition my sister and I started long ago is that when a situation like this arises you must spill the beans. Once we have knowledge of a secret, we must know that secret. Immediately. Along those lines, we insisted that my mother tell us what the sign said.

I’ve come to embrace my craziness. She may not be proud of it. She definitely doesn’t embrace it. But on some level she does get it, accept it and is able to laugh about it. That’s good enough for me. This is the sign that made my mother immediately think of her eldest daughter:

Thanks for stopping by!

What A Wonderful Weekend

Cyndi — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 22:02:25 +0000

“If you obey all of the rules, you miss all of the fun.” — Katharine Hepburn

Apparently I’m all about alliteration today.

Normally I most look forward to weekends in which I have nothing to do, no plans, no obligations. This weekend was different. I had a lot to do. The difference? No obligations. Everything I had to do were things I actually wanted to do.

Friday night we had a small party for my youngest son’s 9th birthday (has it really been 9 years?!) with family and friends. He had a great time, as did I.

Saturday, I slept in and then met a new friend for a late lunch. Dawn was in my area for her birthday and so after almost a year of following each others’ blogs, we finally got to meet in person. It was fun! She is even prettier in person than in her pictures. She’s got the sweetest voice and talks much like she writes. Despite it being her birthday, she insisted on picking up lunch. How sweet is that?! As is so typical of me, my dumb-ass forgot to bring the camera, so, no pics. I had a great time and am happy to know her.

Saturday night, Grandma took the boys and my sister’s kids and we all headed out to our friend’s 40th b-day party. Most of my girlfriends were supposed to be there, and since I haven’t seen a few of them in a long time, I was really looking forward to it. A few couldn’t make it at the last minute but it was a great party and it was fun to see those that were there.

To top it off, hubby decided to take the boys out today for football games and other guy stuff so I have the afternoon all to myself! I’m headed out to a bookstore to browse for a while, which I haven’t done in a while and just love to do.

Busy weekend? Yes. But I got to spend time with many of my favorite people and some much needed alone time. It doesn’t get much better than that.

Thanks for stopping by!

Epic Cooking FAIL

Cyndi — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 01:18:24 +0000

“A food is not necessarily essential just because your child hates it.” – Katharine Whitehorn

I have written quite a bit about my much maligned father. However, as I’m sure is true with just about everyone, there were some good times too. When he wanted to be he was absolutely hysterical with a biting wit and also acted like a little kid in many ways. I was reminded of this today.

My aunt sent an e-mail to my sister and I asking for recipes and/or family cooking stories to share in a cookbook she’s putting together for her daughter who recently moved out on her own. My sister is an excellent cook. I’ve come a long way, but am still domestically challenged. My response to my aunt’s e-mail was pretty much along the lines of, “I’ve got nothing, go ask my sister.”.

My sister, who occasionally blogs over at Be Green Save Green, responded with the e-mail below. I have re-posted it here in it’s entirety. I have no idea if anyone reading this will find it anywhere near as hilarious as we do but I couldn’t resist. When I first read it, I laughed so hard tears were streaming down my face for 10 minutes. Without further ado, for your reading pleasure, may I present a small glimpse into our lives when our father decided to cook:

You wanted a food/story about mom & dad?! Well, frankly, neither one of them had any culinary skills to speak of! However, about once a year dad would get a hair up his a$$ and bust out the giant cast iron skillet……this dish came out different every time, but the main ingredients are as follows:

1) 1 box of Kraft Mac & Cheese

2) 1 pound of hamburger meat

3) 1 bag of the nastiest/about to expire frozen veggies you can find in the freezer (“Oriental Blend” or Lima Beans are preferred)

4) 1 can of corn

5) 1 mini jar of pimentos (We have NO IDEA why these things were readily available each and every time!)

After you brown the meat and drain off the grease (into a coffee can, you know….for the war effort!) add the Mac & Cheese and follow instructions. Then dump in the rest and cook until you almost can NOT distinguish between the ingredients.

Voila! You have the annual favorite: Big Dad Stud Surprise!

Now, go order a pizza because if this sounds good you have NO business being in the kitchen!

He named it himself. I believe it was a variation on the name of a Western that he liked to watch. Yes, in fact, it did taste as horrific as it sounds. It resembled something like this:

This picture really doesn't do it justice. It was worse.

Thanks for stopping by!

The Cycle Of Abuse

Cyndi — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 19:07:17 +0000

“The consequences of your denial will be with you for a lifetime and will be passed down to the next generations. Break your silence on abuse.” – Patty Rase Hopson

I have attempted to understand why women stay in abusive relationships my entire life, particularly when their children are also abused in these relationships. As a child I was told that we couldn’t leave because we couldn’t afford it, that I deserved the abuse, that he had “changed” and that I was over-sensitive. I believed it all.

To this day I have extremely conflicted feelings about women who stay in abusive relationships and allow their children to be abused. On the one hand, I empathize with their feelings of helplessness and on an intellectual level, I understand that they honestly believe there is no way out or that he isn’t all that bad or that he has changed. On the other hand, I also know that they are adults, are not helpless and are the only one who can save their children by removing them from the abusive relationship.

I have no tolerance for the mistreatment of children. I realize that sounds like a ridiculously obvious statement that no one in the world would disagree with. However, while it may be true that no one would verbally disagree with me on this, there are many, many adults whose actions prove that they disagree. These are the abusers and those that allow their children to be abused.

Children are, in fact, helpless. They cannot save themselves. They are totally dependent on their parents. When one of their parents is abusive and the other either looks the other way or is an active participant in the abuse, there is no hope.

I actually experience “flashbacks” when I am confronted with stories of child abuse. I feel the same feelings I felt when I was a helpless child. It takes me days to recover a sense of normalcy after even seeing a movie in which children are abused. I feel raw, vulnerable, shell-shocked, anxious, angry, depressed, horrified, scared and helpless. I want to save them all. The sad reality is that I can’t.

In my own attempt to make sense out of my own childhood and move on, I have come to view my own mother almost as two separate people. I have had to separate the person she is today from the person who raised me. I know this sounds odd but it has allowed us to have a pretty decent relationship. I still have to deal with my own feelings about the woman who raised me, but that’s a very slow moving, long and painful process. In the meantime, I am no longer a helpless child completely dependent on her. I can see her as she is today. She is a good Grandma. She is as emotionally available to me as she can be. She recently announced her retirement and I couldn’t be happier for her. She deserves it. She’s had a rough life and has always worked hard. I’m glad that she is going to have the chance to enjoy retirement, relax and just…be.

My original intent for this post was to discuss the cycle of abuse. I’ve seen a diagram of it many times. My plan was to find that diagram and then write about each phase in significant detail. Instead, while trolling the internet in search of the diagram, I came across an amazing website that describes it all much better than I ever could. It also contains tons of helpful information and resources for women in abusive relationships. That website is Heart 2 Heart.

Here is the diagram that I was looking for. If you click on it, it will take you to their section explaining the cycle and much more…

Thanks for stopping by!

Roller Coaster Rides

Cyndi — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 03:43:05 +0000

“You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster. Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride! I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn’t like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.” – Grandma in Parenthood

Hubby’s cousin had four free tickets to Six Flag’s Great America (or just Great America as we call it around here) that were going to expire on Sunday and she couldn’t use them. Hubby asked if I wanted to go on Saturday.

Of course I knew the kids would love it. I also knew at $55.00 a pop, we couldn’t otherwise afford it right now. I knew I’d have a good time too, having fun with the family and all those roller coasters to ride. I love them. The bigger the better (yes, size does matter).

On the other hand, if hubby invited a friend and his kids to go with him and our boys, that would give me one really long day alone. I do love my alone time. I also had tons of things I needed to do.

In the end, I decided that I didn’t want to pass up the opportunity to have such a fun day with my family. I can get more alone time another day. Like when they want to go camping or do some other objectionable activity. And I am more than experienced enough at procrastination to know the laundry would wait too.

I think of this quote from Parenthood every time I hear the words, “roller coaster”. I think of it mostly because of what Steve Martin’s character says shortly after Grandma’s little speech in response to his wife’s declaration that she thinks his Grandma is brilliant, “Yeah if she’s so brilliant why is she sitting in our NEIGHBOR’S CAR?”. That whole movie cracks me up no matter how many times I watch it. For some reason, Grandma’s sweet little speech combined with Steve Martin’s biting sarcasm and the ridiculousness of her sitting in the neighbor’s car still makes me laugh out loud. I’m laughing right now just writing about it. ”It’s an…electric ear cleaner.”. Ok, I digress….

My point is that I love roller coasters. Yes, L-O-V-E. I could ride them all day. Anything that spins in circles (even merry-go-rounds) make me sick but those huge, terrifying, stomach-dropping hills….I can’t get enough of them.

We had a great day. Hubby likes roller coasters too, as does our 10 year old son. He even went with us on Superman, which was an unbelievable ride. Our 8 year old son finally agreed to go with me on the smallest roller coaster they have and he didn’t like it one bit. Luckily some other family members were there too so he stayed with them while we risked our lives on the thrill rides. He did like the water rides and several other rides so he still had a good day too. The roller coasters just aren’t for him…yet. I’m going to keep working on him.

This whole fascination of mine with roller coasters got me thinking. Unfortunately, I rambled for so long about the movie and the day at the amusement park that I never got around to what I was thinking about. So, until next time…

Thanks for stopping by!

On My Own Again

Cyndi — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 02:30:39 +0000

“Many people need desperately to receive this message: ‘I feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, although most people do not care about them. You are not alone.’” – Kurt Vonnegut

I originally found out that I enjoy being alone when I was separated. At first I thought it was just because the craziness and chaos that preceded our separation was over and some peace was restored to our house and my life. I quickly came to realize that while all of that was true, I also seriously love, and in fact, need significant amounts of alone time, even when there is no craziness or chaos.

I spent most weeknights alone, once the kids were in bed. I spent most weekends alone, because the kids were with their father. I found that I never get bored. I can always find something to do, or not do, but am literally never bored when I’m spending free time alone. This was confirmed when I went on my solo trip last May. It was one of the best vacations I have ever taken. Ever. And I was completely alone.

During my year of unemployment, I was alone most weekdays, all day, because the kids were at school and hubby was at work. Since I’ve gone back to work, the only times I’ve been alone have been in my car, on the way to or from work. That was the main reason I had a difficult time adjusting to working full time again. I was mourning my alone time.

This weekend, hubby took the boys to a cousin’s cabin with some other family members. Because he’s on vacation from work next week they may not come back home until Tuesday or Wednesday. I have to work Monday so I didn’t join them. Plus, I’m only outdoorsy in a tropical beach kind of way, not a bug-infested woods kind of way. They were all pretty excited about the trip and I am pretty excited about my weekend alone.

It’s a little different this time. We’ve all grown much closer since hubby and I reconciled a little over a year ago. I miss them already. I don’t miss them in a what-am-I-going-to-do-without-them way, I just enjoy their company. Having said that, I am happy to be here, all on my own for a little while.

Thanks for stopping by!

So Much More Than A Mom » Family

A Disturbing Trend

“Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They don’t mean to do harm but the harm does not interest them. Or they do not see it, or they justify it. Because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves.” - T. S. Eliot

Related Reading:

Related posts

Define Family

“You must remember, family is often born of blood, but it doesn’t depend on blood. Nor is it exclusive of friendship. Family members can be your best friends, you know. And best friends, whether or not they are related to you, can be your family.” — Trenton Lee Stewart

Related Reading:

Related posts

Happy Freakin’ Holidays

“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year. Except we do, because those bastards went and put Christmas right in the middle, just to punish us.” – Home For The Holidays

Related Reading:

Related posts

I’m Not Tired

“Growing up happens in a heartbeat. One day you’re in diapers; the next day you’re gone. But the memories of childhood stay with you for the long haul.” – The Wonder Years

Related Reading:

Related posts

The Fun In Dysfunctional

“Tradition is the illusion of permanence.” — Woody Allen

Related Reading:

Related posts

What A Wonderful Weekend

“If you obey all of the rules, you miss all of the fun.” — Katharine Hepburn

Related Reading:

Related posts

Epic Cooking FAIL

“A food is not necessarily essential just because your child hates it.” – Katharine Whitehorn

Related Reading:

Related posts

The Cycle Of Abuse

“The consequences of your denial will be with you for a lifetime and will be passed down to the next generations. Break your silence on abuse.” – Patty Rase Hopson

Related Reading:

Related posts

Roller Coaster Rides

Related Reading:

Related posts

On My Own Again

“Many people need desperately to receive this message: ‘I feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, although most people do not care about them. You are not alone.’” – Kurt Vonnegut

Related Reading:

Related posts