So Much More Than A Mom » Exercise

I’ll Be Happy If

Cyndi — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 13:37:07 +0000

“It isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it.” — Dale Carnegie

A few posts ago I crowned 2007 as the worst year of my adult life thus far. I went so far as to write that I couldn’t think of a single good thing to say about 2007. I’ve been thinking about that ever since I wrote it. There must have been at least one good thing that happened in 2007. In doing so I have come up with two good things that happened in 2007. Not little things either. BIG things. And in reminding myself of these things I have also proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that money does not buy happiness and attaining your fitness goals does not provide happiness either.

Many people, particularly those of us who grew up in abusive households, spend significant amounts of time looking to the future and telling ourselves, “I’ll be happy if….”. This happens when our lives are so painful and we are so powerless that we just can’t wait to grow up and escape. It’s a necessary coping mechanism. It provides hope in a seemingly hopeless situation. The problem is that it doesn’t just go away after we grow up and escape the abuse. By then the thought process that happiness can be attained only if….something happens in the future…is firmly entrenched in our psyche. We are always looking forward to something that we believe needs to occur before we will feel happy.

Our media perpetuates this thinking. How many advertisements are we bombarded with every day indicating that our lives will be better if we buy some car, drink some beverage, lose weight, make more money, etc.?

I did it myself. If only I could grow up and move out. If only my boyfriend would propose. If only I were married. If only I had kids. If only I could make more money. If only I were thin. If only….

Guess what those two good things were in 2007.

I lost a significant amount of weight. I was a size six. I wasn’t supermodel thin but I was as close to perfect (for me) physically as I had ever been in my life. I did enjoy it. I enjoyed the feeling of accomplishment. I enjoyed the increased male attention. I enjoyed the fun clothes. I enjoyed feeling attractive and sexy. I even enjoyed the process of working out itself. It made me feel powerful and was also an incredible and healthy way to blow off steam, reduce stress and channel anger and other negative feelings.

I also made more money in 2007 than in any previous (or future) year. I’m not talking about buying-a-yacht money. I am talking about extremely comfortable money. We never had to worry about any bills. All emergencies were taken care of easily. Spending money on just about anything we wanted was not an issue. I had a full time babysitter who also cleaned the house and did our laundry every week. I bought designer clothes, purses and shoes without blinking an eye whenever I wanted. Pedicures, massages, weekend trips….whatever we wanted. It was all good.

So, I had attained my two biggest I’ll Be Happy Ifs. I was not happy. Not by any stretch of the imagination. In fact I was completely and utterly miserable. I had extreme insomnia, sometimes sleeping for a total of an hour or two in 10-15 minute spurts for months on end. I had an almost constant knot in my stomach. I started crying, and I mean sobbing, for no apparent reason. I was a mess. I couldn’t figure out what my problem was but I was so close to a complete breakdown that I started to actually think I may be crazy. As in call the men in white coats crazy.

I got myself into therapy in October of that year. I started to figure out why I was so profoundly unhappy. I started to get my act together and take charge of my life. I started to realize how I had been fooling myself for 37 years and how unhealthy many of my thought processes were.

Over two years later I’m still learning. This for instance. I only realized after I wrote about how awful 2007 was and remembered that was the same year as my weight loss and all that money that the I’ll-be-happy-if-thing is self destructive and flawed thinking. Despite what we tell ourselves and what the media tells us, I am living proof that we will not necessarily be happy if….we attain that next best thing.

Thanks for stopping by!

Emotional Eating And Self Protection

Cyndi — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 20:03:30 +0000

“Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.” — Elizabeth Gilbert

I’ve struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. I was a chubby kid, then a constantly dieting teenager. As an adult my weight has been an almost perpetual yo-yo. I lost a lot of weight right before my wedding, promptly got pregnant, got pregnant again, ignored my weight for years, then lost a lot of weight again a few years ago. Now I’ve put some weight back on. I’m not near my heaviest but would love to lose about 20 pounds.

Looking back at pictures of me as a teenager, when I thought I was a huge disgusting cow, I realize I was probably one more diet pill away from an eating disorder. In those pictures I now see that I was thin. I can’t believe I thought I was obese, not just overweight, I seriously thought I was grotesquely fat. I vividly remember taking Dexatrim and No Doze and going as many as 4 days without eating any actual food. I would only drink diet coke or an occasional Slim-Fast shake. The headaches and stomach growling made me feel good, like I was accomplishing something. Fighting off the hunger felt like a victory. I stopped all that after I met hubby (then high school sweetheart) during my junior year of high school and thankfully never went back.

Today I have a realistic view of my body. I don’t see myself as disgustingly obese, even now when I’m not happy with my weight. I want to lose some but don’t think I’m an elephant either. I just really enjoyed being a size 6 and want to get back there.

I’ve read about emotional eating and figured I probably am an emotional eater but never gave it much more thought than that.

Emotional eating: Emotional eating is the practice of consuming large quantities of food — usually “comfort” or junk foods — in response to feelings instead of hunger. Experts estimate that 75% of overeating is caused by emotions.
- medicinenet.com

A few weeks ago, as I was looking longingly at my size 6 jeans, I started to seriously think about emotional eating. I decided to begin asking myself each and every time I went to the fridge, pantry or vending machine if I was actually hungry or not. I noticed that much of the time the answer was no so I stepped away from the food.

This was an important step and a good one. The one thing I didn’t even think to ask myself though was why I was reaching for food when I wasn’t hungry. This came up during the same intense conversation I mentioned a few days ago in my post Did I Really Say That. As a result of that conversation I am going to start trying to figure out what I’m feeling when I get to the fridge, ask myself if I’m really hungry or not and determine that the answer is no. What emotion am I experiencing that I am attempting to avoid by eating?

After pondering that conversation some more I remembered that this was the topic being discussed when I inexplicably said, “Men are scary.“. I was talking about the fact that I have been ignoring myself lately and that one of the things I have stopped doing for myself was working out regularly. I also mentioned that while I enjoy the extra male attention I receive when I’m thin, it makes me nervous too. Why? Apparently because men are scary. That’s how that conversation went.

If you had asked me three weeks ago if I was afraid of men, I would have laughed and said, “No way!”. If you had asked me three weeks ago if I intentionally put on weight in order to avoid male attention because they are scary, I would have thought you were nuts and said, “HELL no!”. Now, I have to seriously consider the possibility that my truthful answers to both of these questions are, “yes” and “yes”.

Yikes.

Reading all of this I can come to the conclusion that as a teenager I had a distorted image of my physical appearance that disappeared when I felt loved by a man. I can also conclude that much of my self-worth is derived from continuing to receive positive male attention but at the same time, that attention scares me. Seriously, Daddy Issues AGAIN?! I need to learn to feel good about myself on my own and that male attention is nothing more than what it is. It’s not that important and certainly nothing to be feared.

Thanks for stopping by!

Back To Me

Cyndi — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 02:30:21 +0000

“The better you learn to take care of yourself, the less you settle for being around people who can’t or won’t treat you as well as you’re accustomed.” — Curtis Sittenfeld

I learned the lesson contained in this quote about a year and a half ago. It took 38 years of focusing on taking care of as many things for other people as I could to learn this lesson. I know it is the absolute truth. And yet it seems I have forgotten it somewhere along the way.

I haven’t fallen back into my old people pleasing codependent ways by any stretch of the imagination. I have just gotten caught up in the business of life and have become less than vigilant about taking care of myself. I’ve fallen into a rut. I’m certain it is mostly because my once troubled marriage is back on the right track and I have a job that I like (and hope to keep). I’ve grown complacent and as a result, neglectful of myself.

I stopped working out regularly when I first became unemployed and we canceled our fabulous gym membership as a result of necessary cutbacks. Yes, I loved that gym but the truth is that it’s just an excuse. There are several other significantly less expensive ways for me to get in a daily workout.

I haven’t completed a book in over two months. Reading is one of my favorite things ever! Part of this is because in the summer, there’s a lot more to do so less time to read.

I haven’t spent very much time alone since early in the summer when hubby took the boys camping for a weekend. I used to make certain I got enough alone time each week. Sometimes that meant entire weekends, other times just a few hours hanging out in a bookstore. I can’t even remember the last time I set foot in a bookstore or spent even a few house completely alone.

I used to be an avid obsessed scrapbooker. I stopped completely about two years ago, when hubby and I were having serious problems. I found I couldn’t focus on it. To date, I’ve not gotten back into it at all and I miss it.

I don’t spend enough time with any of my friends. I have several groups of friends and individuals with whom I used to spend much more time than I do now. I love and need my friends. I miss them.

I wasn’t able to register for classes during the summer or fall semesters, again due to finances. I miss school more than any of the other things I’ve been neglecting. I feel as if my goal is slipping away and I have got to get back in for the winter semester.

This all came to my attention during an intense conversation I had last week (I discovered even more disturbing revelations during the same conversation but that’s a post all on it’s own). Why have I stopped doing so many of the things that I need to do? It’s the overall theme of this blog for f—’s sake! I’ve wasted precious time doing things I don’t really want to do, procrastinating, worrying and indulging in mindless distractions.

Many of the things I have been neglecting to do for myself can be done together and/or make the other things easier to fit in. When I’m working out on a regular basis I feel better about myself, it relieves stress, provides alone time and increases my energy. This would allow me to be less stressed, worry less and provide more stamina to get to other things. Scrapbooking is a fun and creative thing that I do for myself and my kids, but also would allow me to spend more time with my friend who also scrapbook.

I need to trim the fat, and not just in my diet. I need to stop spending time doing things that are of no value or that are actually of negative value. Back to basics. This next week will be spent in serious evaluation of virtually everything I do every day in order to trim that fat and get back to me.

Thanks for stopping by!

The Make A Change Challenge ~ Week III

Cyndi — Mon, 11 May 2009 14:00:04 +0000

“I’d heard it all the time, ‘Live in the moment.’ But if I did that, I’d weigh more than a dump truck. Losing weight wasn’t about the moment at all; it was about having faith in the future. It was about knowing there would be another meal in a few hours.” – Stephanie Klein, Moose, 2008

Week three of Tammy’s freakin’ Make A Change Challenge was just ok. No, I’m not bitter.

I did get some exercise in by walking several times last week. On Friday, I went on a field trip with my son at which I was in charge of walking around the zoo with five 2nd graders all day. I figured that alone would earn me at least a five pound loss.

Although there was no beer or pizza this weekend (yay!), there was a yummy breakfast at my sister’s and a barbecue at my brother’s-in-law on Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day was actually a really nice day. It was much more low-key and much less high-maintenance that in previous years. Hanging out with my hubby, kids and mine and hubby’s siblings is always a good time. I’m not nearly as angry in general as I was at this time last year so didn’t feel any animosity towards my mother. Last year, thankfully, I was in North Carolina, alone, so no one had to deal with my wrath. I’m happy to report that I think I’m over it.

Enough stalling. My results this week? Two pounds. Lost. Whew! This is a 1% loss for the week. The grand total is a pathetic 2 & 1/2 pounds. In three weeks.

My original goal was ten pounds by Mother’s Day. Clearly, I failed miserably at even coming close to this goal. I’m going to console myself with the fact that at least I lost something and didn’t gain anything either.

I’m not going to set a new goal today. I’m leaving for my girl’s spa getaway on Friday in Hershey Pennsylvania, of all the impossible-to-lose-weight places on earth, and also quitting smoking the same day. No way am I returning from that any slimmer. I’ll set a new goal next week. In the meantime, I will be exercising and watching what I eat up until we leave and keeping my fingers crossed that I don’t come back 10 pounds heavier.

Thanks for stopping by!

The Make A Change Challenge ~ Week II

Cyndi — Mon, 04 May 2009 12:51:43 +0000

“If you try anything, if you try to lose weight, or to improve yourself, or to love, or to make the world a better place, you have already achieved something wonderful, before you even begin. Forget failure. If things don’t work out the way you want, hold your head up high and be proud. And try again. And again. And again!” — Sarah Dessen

My second week of participating in the Make A Change Challenge was an absolute failure. I didn’t eat badly, until the weekend of course, but I got virtually no exercise. What did me in this weekend? What else…pizza and beer!

I blame my mother and husband. My mother agreed to take the boys OVERNIGHT and hubby persistently encouraged my excessive drinking, even ordering Irish Car Bombs after I was already well on my way to drunkenness.

It was a good time. We went out with some friends to watch both The Blackhawks and Da Bulls play. Da Bulls lost. The Blackhawks won! The group we were with are huge Hawks fans and the bar and our friends went nuts every time they scored.

At one point I was texting some friends who were refusing to join us at the bar due to some lame excuse having to do with not leaving children home alone. In an effort to convince them, I sent them this lovely picture of our view at the bar…

Surprisingly this did not convince them. I think I would have had better luck with the picture that I missed when he stood up and we got a full view of his….assets. Yes, I’m pretty sure that would have done the trick.

Despite my sloth and gluttony, I somehow managed to stay at last week’s weight! I did eat well most of the week so it makes a little sense. I wonder how much I would have lost if I had stuck with it all weekend and exercised.

Anyway, this makes my percentage for this week is 0.00000% and I lost 0 pounds. Or, to put it in the most optimistic way, I gained 0 pounds. Even Steven.

I have got to get my act together this week or my….assets are going to start to resemble that picture.

Thanks for stopping by!

The Make A Change Challenge ~ Week I

Cyndi — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 13:04:14 +0000

“All right, I’ll get that kid to eat. Where’s my screw driver and my plumber’s helper? I’ll open up his mouth and I’ll shove it in.” – A Christmas Story

My first week of participating in the Make A Change Challenge started off strong. Monday and Tuesday I ate healthy, small portions and managed to get in some exercise both days. Wednesday started out the same but that changed dramatically at dinner.

Wednesday night I met some former co-workers for dinner at a local pizza place. I had done well all day and resolved to eat only salad at dinner. Clearly, my friends don’t want me to lose weight because they forced me to go along with them in ordering a group special which involved not just salad, but also appetizers and pizza. They literally shoved fried ravioli, fried mozzarella cheese sticks, garlic bread, beer and pizza into my mouth, against my will. There were eight of them, I was completely outnumbered and helpless to stop this evil pack of weight loss saboteurs. In their defense, they did allow me to get a little salad into my pie-hole and made me laugh….a lot, so I forgive them for their blatant disregard for my health.

Thursday and Friday I did pretty well as far as eating healthy, small portions, but this weekend was all bad. My sister-in-law came over with her kids and there was more pizza. Hubby is an excellent cook and made delicious breakfasts on both Saturday and Sunday. I didn’t exercise even a little bit. I completely fell off the wagon and any progress I may have made last week was shot.

I’m supposed to divulge my weight loss percentage as part of the Challenge. My official weight loss percentage for this week is .27548209366391184573002754820937%. I lost a whopping 1/2 pound!

This is not acceptable and my initial goal of losing 10 pounds by Mother’s Day (exactly 13 days from today) is not looking obtainable. However, I’m going to proceed as if it is obtainable and see how close I can get. I am re-resolving to hit it hard this week to make up for my slack effort last week.

One major source of motivation that I didn’t have at this time last week is the fact that I’m going on a trip with my friend the week after Mother’s Day, will most likely want to be in a bathing suit at some point during that trip, and don’t want to look like a huge cow in the press photos that I’m told will be taken upon our arrival.

If you haven’t already joined us and would like to, head on over to A Moment In Time to “weigh-in”. I’m headed there now to see how much better everyone else did during their first week.

Thanks for stopping by!

The Make A Change Challenge

Cyndi — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 13:56:34 +0000

“I have to admit that I lie on my Weight Watchers’ food list. I’ll put down that I had 3 eggs…but I won’t put down that they were Cadbury Chocolate Eggs.” – Caroline Rhea

My blogging friend Tammy over at A Moment In Time has started the Make A Change Challenge as a way to get all interested bloggers and non-bloggers to jump on her bandwagon to lose weight and be healthier. I apologize in advance (sorry Tammy, I couldn’t resist ripping on you about this, it’s how I roll) for her shameless quoting of bad Michael Jackson songs….she’s a goofball.

Having said that, I have wanted to get back into shape for some time. I’ve talked about it extensively with hubby and even blogged about it quite awhile ago. What have I done about it? Nada. Zip. Zero. Tammy has inspired me to get my fat ass in gear!

So, each Monday I will post my progress here. I won’t bore (or terrify) you with a before picture, the actual numbers on the scale, or a list of my daily caloric intake. I’ll just summarize my week and progress. If you’d like to join us, head on over to Tammy’s blog.

My initial short-term goal is to lose ten pounds by Mother’s Day. This is realistic and doable.

My biggest challenge is going to be the fact that we’ve had to put our membership to Lifetime Fitness (one of my happy places that I miss terribly) on hold due to my continued lack of employment and income. I’ll have to find other ways to work out. I’m considering going for a walk/jog this morning. I’d prefer to do it at a nearby forest preserve because it’s peaceful, beautiful and I like going there. However, multiple family members have repeatedly warned me of the dangers lurking for women who go into forest preserves alone. Maybe I’ll still go but bring my mace. If I disappear, they’ll know where to start looking.

I’d like to thank Tammy for re-motivating me and hubby is on board too!

Thanks for stopping by!

Amazing Weight Loss Plan – Guaranteed To Work

Cyndi — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 19:26:25 +0000

“Perhaps you have a lumpy ass because you are preserving your fat cells with diet soda”
— Rory Freedman (Skinny Bitch: A No-Nonsense, Tough-Love Guide for Savvy Girls Who Want to Stop Eating Crap and Start Looking Fabulous)

Before I get to the super secret guaranteed weight loss plan, some background…

I’ve struggled with my weight my entire life. I’ve probably lost and gained hundreds of pounds over the years. Then I had 2 kids in 2 years, one via c-section. Then my thyroid stopped working. After that I pretty much gave up.

Looking at home movies this weekend slammed home for me, once again, just how much I had given up. YIKES. I will not disclose my weight EVER but suffice it to say, at my heaviest, I was well into double-digit sizes that I am not proud of.

There are so many reasons/excuses. The thyroid thing. My age. Stress. I’m a stress-eater. There are some other psychological theories too. One is that the extra weight allows us to be invisible. I’m sure this was true for me. These were all contributing factors to my letting myself go. All of these things are helpful to know about myself.

Having said that, none of these things are insurmountable road blocks to losing weight and keeping it off. None. Not even hypothyroidism. I take medication for that. Big deal.

A few years ago I finally got my shit together and got serious about losing weight. I wasn’t happy with how I looked. I was responsible for how I looked and had the power to change it. It was as simple as that. I dropped a total of 50 pounds. I lost about 40 of those pounds within a 4-5 month period. I got down to a size 6, which I don’t think I had ever been, even in high school. I felt GREAT! I learned to LOVE (and I mean truly LOVE) shopping again. I also got my sense of sexuality back. Who feels sexy when you’re worried about how you look?

In the past year, I have not been vigilant and have put a little of the weight back on. I’m nowhere near my heaviest, but also further from my optimal weight than I’d like to be. That all ends today. I’m going to do what I did before. Are you ready for the super secret plan? Here it is…

Exercise regularly, eat healthy foods and practice portion control. It’s seriously that simple. That’s all I did. All of these expensive fad diets and weight loss plans are nonsense. All of these excuses for why we can’t lose weight are also nonsense.

So, I hit the gym this morning. I am not in the shape I was a year ago due to my lack of keeping up with it. That’s ok. I pushed myself and had a good workout. I’ll get back to where I was soon enough, one day at a time. It felt GREAT! I can’t wait to feel that awesome muscle burn tomorrow and do it all over again.

Thanks for stopping by!

So Much More Than A Mom » Exercise

I’ll Be Happy If

“It isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it.” — Dale Carnegie

Related Reading:

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Emotional Eating And Self Protection

“Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.” — Elizabeth Gilbert

Related Reading:

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Back To Me

“The better you learn to take care of yourself, the less you settle for being around people who can’t or won’t treat you as well as you’re accustomed.” — Curtis Sittenfeld

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The Make A Change Challenge ~ Week III

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The Make A Change Challenge ~ Week II

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The Make A Change Challenge ~ Week I

“All right, I’ll get that kid to eat. Where’s my screw driver and my plumber’s helper? I’ll open up his mouth and I’ll shove it in.” – A Christmas Story

Related Reading:

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The Make A Change Challenge

“I have to admit that I lie on my Weight Watchers’ food list. I’ll put down that I had 3 eggs…but I won’t put down that they were Cadbury Chocolate Eggs.” – Caroline Rhea

Related Reading:

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Amazing Weight Loss Plan – Guaranteed To Work

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