Direct communication. I learned about this very foreign concept when I was in my late 30′s. Of course I’d always thought that I was communicating directly but in hindsight, I rarely did. I was trained from an early age that whatever I had to say was of no importance and that in order to avoid abuse I had to manipulate people and situations. I did that very well for a long time by people pleasing, holding grudges, playing the martyr, mind-reading, projecting and with denial.

Once I learned, and it was a long slow process, that it was actually ok to simply state exactly what was on my mind I was shocked. The sky didn’t fall. The world didn’t end. Nothing happened at all. Well, that’s not accurate. Others reacted to my new form of communication adversely. They didn’t like it at first. They liked the status quo. Turns out, that is a completely normal reaction to a loved one making major changes. Eventually the entire dynamic of several of my relationships changed entirely. Some of the people with whom I had the most conflict at first ended up joining me in learning direct communication. Hubby is one of those people.

It’s amazing how clueless I was to all that I was not communicating. If I thought it I assumed others thought the same. When they behaved in ways that baffled me and/or were hurtful to me I assumed they didn’t care about my feelings or that I had done something wrong. Later, through direct communication I learned that some of them simply did not understand me and also that some of them did not, in fact, care about my feelings.

Some of them are incapable of caring about anyone else’s feelings. As I became more and more comfortable with direct communication I noticed that those people who are not capable of caring about my feelings are master manipulators themselves who almost never communicate directly. I now have no tolerance for manipulation and indirect communication. I stay away from those people whenever I can. When I can’t, I limit my exposure and the topics I discuss with them.

One of the things that used to frustrate me the most about some people in my life was the way they would not answer questions. Whenever someone would dodge a question, completely ignore a question or answer a question with another question I became extremely confused. I used to think that perhaps I had crossed over some line and asked an inappropriate question or somehow otherwise made them uncomfortable. I felt confused a lot of the time and spent countless hours trying to figure out what I had said that caused the awkward situation.

It turns out that it wasn’t me. It was them. And this is now one of the first red flags that go up when I am getting to know someone new. If I ask questions appropriate to the level of intimacy in our relationship and those questions are repeatedly ignored, dodged or answered with anything less than a direct answer, I know I am dealing with someone who is attempting to manipulate me. It doesn’t mean they have some evil plot to hurt me. It can be something as simple as the person not wanting me to view them in a certain way so they start manipulating the conversation to avoid having to disclose something that they believe will make them look bad.

A recent example is a conversation I was having with a friend. She has been talking to me about her marital problems for months. Whenever we get together I hear story after story about her husband and the arguments they have. At first I was sympathetic and just listened and answered questions if she asked. Eventually I started to notice that major details seemed to be left out of many of the instances that she was telling me about. Things didn’t add up or make sense. So, I started asking questions. She would not answer any of them directly. Suddenly her memory was faulty and she sounded like a politician or a criminal defendant. She was pleading the 5th without telling me that’s what she was doing. She wants me to be on her side when we have these conversations. She does not want me to know the whole truth or see her as anything less than the victimized injured party in what is most definitely a two way street.

The funny thing is that I would actually like her much better if she were able to just be real. If she wants to talk to me about her marital problems, that’s fine, but since she is being selective about what she tells me I have no vested interest in actually listening. I wouldn’t care what she’d done to contribute to her marital problems. I would feel closer to her and more interested in her problems if she would just be herself, warts and all. As it is, it just feels like we have a superficial relationship.

It’s unfortunate that people are unable or unwilling to communicate directly. It’s so much easier than the manipulation that many people (my former self included) choose to engage in instead. It separates us and keeps barriers up that prevent us from reaching any real level of intimacy.

“It is always the false that makes you suffer, the false desires and fears, the false values and ideas, the false relationships between people. Abandon the false and you are free of pain; truth makes happy, truth liberates.” — Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

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I’ve written before about my #1 most hated word in the English language; should.

I’ve got a #1 most hated phrase in the English language too.  It is, “we need to talk”.

I’ve never understood this phrase, unless when used to immediately proceed the talk that needs to occur. And even then it still gives me butterflies in my stomach and my heart skips a beat. My biggest pet peeve is when it is used to let me know about a conversation that needs to take place at some point in the future and the subject matter is not disclosed or any other hints given. In the absence of knowledge I tend to fill in the blanks with the worst case scenario. What the hell is the point of the forewarning about an imminent conversation with no clue as to the topic of the conversation?

A Clue Would Be Helpful

I know that I’ve attached negative connotations to this phrase because of the long, drawn-out, repetitive screaming rages I endured as a child. These were referred to as, “talks”. Whenever I returned home from anywhere I got the same butterflies in my stomach approaching the front door. What would be waiting for me on the other side of that door? It could be nothing. It could be a violent outburst. It could be a three hour rage. I would find out immediately upon entering. If it was bad I was instructed to come upstairs because, “we need to talk”.

This came up today as I received a similar proclamation at work.

This bugs the crap out of me. It’s actually rule #1 for me with my friends and family. There can be no, “we need to talk” or “I have to tell you something later”. Either speak up now or don’t bother to mention it until you’re ready. If we need to talk, let’s talk now. If we need to talk but you can’t or won’t talk now, then why tell me about it in advance?

In the past I would have been absolutely freaking out about this future talk. I would have obsessively analyzed every possible reason that this talk could not take place today and discussed all of them with everyone I could reach on the phone. This time, I vented about it, have thought about it off and on this evening, and am writing about it here. Each time it’s come up, I’ve reminded myself that the person I need to talk to was very busy today, that no amount of obsessing or worrying is going to change it and that I will find out tomorrow. I was able to function this evening and even completed tasks, had unrelated conversations and enjoyed some time with hubby. I wasn’t paralyzed by my worrying and wasn’t irritable or particularly fearful either.

But still….is this phrase really necessary??!! At the very least, it’s incredibly annoying. 

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This quote made me laugh. It hits close to home. If my sister reads this she will definitely agree. We did not grow up in an affectionate family. There was no hugging, no touching at all really. In fact, she remembers an actual conversation in which our father told her he was going to stop hugging her because she had gotten too old. I don’t remember any such conversation myself but just thinking of hers creeps me out.

There was no overt sexual abuse in our family. There were definitely no boundaries though along with what is called covert sexual abuse. He told us about his sex life, or lack thereof. Doors were never to be locked and he didn’t even bother closing them. Tickling well past the point of it being even remotely fun. Creepy conversations like the one I mentioned above. You get the idea.

Even our extended family…grandparents, aunts, uncles….were simply not affectionate.

This has been on my mind after some conversations with my friend Consuella over on our friend Dawn’s blog recently. I write about all sorts of details of my emotional life here on this blog but still have an extremely difficult time expressing affection…even in writing, let alone in person. I’ve written about intimacy issues before but I think my issues with affection are more than just fear of rejection, although I’m sure that is a major factor.

When I first met my husband’s mother, she had a bunch of people over. She always had a houseful. As I was introduced to each new person they hugged me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. This completely rocked my world. Why were all these people touching me?! It felt so bizarre. It was uncomfortable and awkward. For me. I’ve gotten used to this practice of greeting each other and saying goodbye with a hug and a kiss with his family. Sort of. I’m much better at it than I was back when I first met his mother but there are still times I feel awkward. My sister and I, as close as we are, never hug.

I don’t have this problem with my sons. I hug and kiss them and tell them I love them all the time. I am also comfortable expressing affection with my husband. Although he may disagree, I feel like I am because we hug and kiss and say I love you every day. That’s way more than what I was used to so it may seem like more to me than it does to him, since he was used to a very affectionate family. Unless I’m caught up in a moment (which is rare) I’m still not comfortable talking about affectionate feelings.

It’s not that I don’t want to or that those feelings aren’t there. I think it’s a combination of intimacy issues, boundary issues and that I simply don’t know how. Or rather that I’m still learning how.

Take using chopsticks for example. If you grew up using chopsticks every day to eat your meals you would be an expert early on in life. I never used chopsticks to eat anything. It’s something of a novelty when we go out to dinner but I’m more likely to fling a single piece of rice across the room than I am to actually get any food into my mouth when I use them. For me, it’s the same with expressing affection. I don’t really know what I’m doing so it feels uncomfortable.

Just like the chopsticks, if I practice, I will get better. That is evident in how far I’ve already come. As I mentioned, for the most part I am used to, and even enjoy the hug/kiss, hello/goodbye that is customary in my husband’s family. When hubby and I first got married I not only shut but also locked, the door when I took a shower. I never wanted to cuddle when we went to sleep. It felt suffocating to have his arm around me. I even built a little wall of pillows at one point. Now, I’m all about spooning when we go to sleep and have even mentioned that I can’t believe I used to dislike it.

I still have a long way to go. When I responded to Dawn’s lovely post it felt to me as if I had just gushed all sorts of emotion and gotten all schmoopie. When my sister read what I wrote she said it was not at all gushy and was actually more like a butterfly hug (that’s what we call a 1/2 hug with a couple of light pats on the back – the only kind of hug that has ever actually occurred between our family members to the best of our knowledge). Even in writing, I just don’t know what I’m doing when it comes to expressing affection. Piss me off and I’ll write entire posts about it, but love and affection….my natural instinct is to go for the cocktail or my standby….”I love you man.”.

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I was watching The Penguins of Madagascar with my sons the other day when a hilarious line made it’s way onto my radar and I immediately knew I must use it in a blog post.

If you aren’t familiar with this cartoon, the penguins live in the zoo and believe themselves to be some sort of army, patrolling the zoo and making it safe for the children who come to visit. They take their roles very seriously and believe themselves to be quite brilliant, resourceful and in charge. Because they are in fact, not well-versed in the ways of the world, not an actual army, and seriously overestimate their knowledge and abilities, shenanigans frequently ensue. It’s no more or less formulaic than any other kids’ cartoon but there’s some good stuff in there to keep the parents slightly interested too.

This particular episode involved a hornet’s nest and a group of vindictive hornets hell-bent on stinging the crap out of the penguins and their beloved visitors…kids. The penguins failed at every attempt to get rid of the hornets, getting stung repeatedly and ending up in quite a bit of pain. They noticed that their not-so-bright friend, Mort, was stung multiple times but felt no pain. The scientist in the penguin army decided that Mort must have a Field Of Ignorance surrounding him that protects him from feeling pain. He is so clueless that since he is unaware that hornet stings cause pain, he doesn’t feel it.

I thought this was a hilarious metaphor for two different reasons. The first one being the obvious…there are ignorant people out there who simply don’t realize they are not bright, socially inept, fashion-challenged or just plain moronic. It’s not nice to say, but it’s true and you know it. Just check out People Of Walmart for about five minutes and you’ll see what I’m talking about.

The second one is not so funny or so mean. The field of ignorance that we live in called denial. We refuse to acknowledge that which we can’t handle, don’t want to deal with or that simply confuses us. Breaking through this field of ignorance can lead to a much simpler and peaceful life, although the process itself can be excruciatingly painful.

The quote I chose and the overall message of this very long-winded post that started with wisdom I gathered from a cartoon about talking penguins (possibly I have a field of insanity that I haven’t noticed) is really about how to deal with the manipulative people I wrote about in my last post. It may not always be immediately apparent, but I usually do have a point.

Actions speak louder than words. That’s how we can all learn to deal with manipulative people. I myself, choose to get rid of them altogether whenever possible. As I mentioned, I consider them to be a waste of my time. If you must deal with one or more of these game-playing-time-sucking-brats, the best way to deal with them is to ignore what they say and focus on what they do.

Do they say they love you but then repeatedly do things that you have told them you don’t want them to do. For example, say your husband is a manipulative individual. He may say he loves you, you are important to him, blah blah blah, but if he stays out all night, doesn’t tell you where he is, and doesn’t answer his cell phone, are you really that important to him? In this same scenario, I imagine a big old fight would ensue once he did come home. He would have all sorts of excuses and lies (he lost his phone, he was too drunk to drive, he crashed at his buddy’s house who for some reason also had no phone, he didn’t want to wake you, you are a nag, he doesn’t have to explain himself, he did explain himself so just drop it already, you’re overreacting, etc….). All of that is nonsense. The truth is that this is not how a loving husband behaves. You can now remove the field of ignorance he has tried to place around you and focus on the truth. The truth of his actions.

His words are meaningless and time-wasting. What I have found, time and again, is that when someone doesn’t make sense, when their words don’t match their actions, they are either downright lying to cover up something BIG or are simply attempting to manipulate me. Ignoring them and focusing on their behaviors is much more telling and can help you determine if you, like I do, want to just cut them out for good.

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I am officially and publicly rededicating myself to changing many thoughts and behaviors that I had vowed to change but have slipped back into old patterns from time to time. These are things that I know are right for me. They may not be right for anyone else and that’s ok. In no particular order, mine are….

• I will not allow myself to be manipulated or manipulate others.
• I will use direct communication to ask for what I want or need from others.
• I will judge others. I will judge myself too. Much lip-service is being paid these days to being non-judgmental. It’s human nature. We all make judgments every single day. They help us decide what is best for us. These judgments can be flexible and knowing that, I will continue to question and challenge my own judgments about others and about myself regularly.
• I will be assertive. I will recognize the difference between assertion and aggression.
• I will speak freely in my life and on my blog. No fear. My opinions and judgments are my own. Others can disagree and have every right to express their opinions. However, I have no less right to express mine just because others don’t agree with them.
• I will remember that my own opinions about myself, my life and anything else are more important to me than those of others.
• I will allow myself to express emotions. The good, the bad and the ugly. I will cry when I am sad. I will not be afraid of my feelings. They are mine and are only harmful to me when I stuff them. The fear of sinking into a deep dark pit of despair causes more anxiety than the emotions themselves.
• I will trust my own instincts, regardless of what others believe.
• I will face my fears and overcome them.
• I will not engage in arguments, debates or conversations with people who are unreasonable, manipulative or simply out to perpetuate their own false image.
• I will stand up for myself when I feel someone is attempting to take advantage of me.
• I will admit when I am wrong.
• I will not apologize for anything I didn’t do.
• I will not doubt myself when I am wrongfully accused of doing anything I did not do.
• I will not accept others’ opinions of me, my words or my actions when I recognize that they are false.
• I will say what I mean. I will not sugar-coat the truth when it is important that the truth be heard.
• I am not obligated to explain my decisions or beliefs to anyone. If an explanation is requested, I may choose to give one but I owe no one.

I think that’s enough for today. I’m sure I’ll think of more. If anyone wants to join me by adding their own personal statements in the comments section, feel free. I may have missed a few of my own and be inspired by yours.

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I love to talk.  Shocking, right?  I love any sort of intellectually stimulating conversation.  I love absolute goofball conversations.  I still seem to have a difficult time verbally communicating what I mean.  This happens a lot.  Where I stumble the most is talking about how I feel, but I have a hard time with even the most mundane verbal communications.

This seems so strange to me because I clearly have no problem writing about just about anything, sometimes things other people would have a hard time writing about.  I can write about my feelings and publish them on this blog with no problems at all.  So, why it is so difficult for me to communicate verbally is extremely confusing and frustrating.

This problem rears its ugly head most in my marriage.  Hubby is not normally a talker.  He can go days (literally) without saying hardly anything at all.  Other times, once he gets going on a particular subject, there’s no stopping him.  Being completely neurotic, when he is silent for long periods of time, I naturally assume that something is wrong, that he is hiding something from me or that he’s afraid to tell me something.  Even though I know, from over 22 years of experience, that this is just how he rolls, I still assume the worst.  What, you mean you wouldn’t?! 

We had a mundane miscommunication yesterday.  He had somewhere to go last night.  A family party.  I knew  he’d be leaving somewhere around dinner time so I asked if he’d be eating dinner here or at the party.  He said he wasn’t sure and would decide later in the day after he’d figured out about what time he was leaving.  I planned on making dinner just in case he decided to eat here but my alternate plan, if he decided not to, was to just make chicken nuggets and tator tots for the kids and I.  We all love this culinary delight although he does not.  So, I usually make this dish when he isn’t around.  As dinner time rolled around I sent our youngest son upstairs to ask hubby if he was going to eat dinner here.  He said yes.  So, I made dinner.  Once dinner was ready, hubby came downstairs and said he’d have a little bit but was going to eat at the party!  I wasn’t happy.  I could have avoided making the full dinner that I made if he had just told me that.  I realize that this communication all took place through an 8 year old but I don’t think that’s the problem.  The question (are you going to eat dinner here?) was direct and straightforward.  The answer (yes) was equally direct and straightforward.  He felt bad because he didn’t know that I would have made chicken nuggets and tator tots if he weren’t eating here.  In his defense, I never communicated that to him.  It seems as if I assumed he knew that dinner would me much lower key if he weren’t going to be here because that is always the case.  He is aware that when it’s just the kids and I, I don’t normally make the bigger dinners that I make when he is with us.  Having said that, this miscommunication seems to be my fault.  I wasn’t clear.  The problem is that I thought I was clear.

While this is just one boring example of a miscommunication that had virtually no negative consequences (except for mild irritation on my part and the devastating consequence of missing out on chicken nuggets and tator tots), this type of thing seems to happen frequently between us, on more serious topics as well.

What is my problem?  Why can I communicate so clearly in writing but seem to be virtually inept at verbal communication?  Or is it more a combination of both of our communication styles together?  These are obviously rhetorical questions.  If I don’t have these answers I know no one reading this will.  We had to go to marriage counseling to deal with some of our big problems last year.  Many of those problems ended up revolving around simple miscommunication and/or our own individual insecurities clouding our perceptions of situations.  During that time period, we communicated quite a bit via e-mail and things made a lot more sense to both of us that way.

As far as talking about my feelings, if asked a specific question, I will give a direct answer, even if it feels uncomfortable.  I just don’t volunteer much information about how I’m feeling, what is on my mind or what (if anything) is bothering me at any given moment.  Combined with hubby’s natural “strong-silent-type” personality, I think we have created the perfect storm for things to be lost in translation. 

This blog offers something of a translation guide for him but I have no written translation guide from him at all.  Conversely, this blog has also caused miscommunication between us.  Last week I wrote a post about how I couldn’t focus and had too many topics bouncing around in my head.  One of those topics was divorce.  I was thinking about that topic because of someone we know who is going through a divorce.  He assumed that I was considering the prospect of us divorcing.  I was not.

Maybe verbal communication is overrated, except for making appointments and ordering pizza.  But then I’d miss out on all the good conversations that I love.  Ugh.

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