Funny how I forget the lessons I’ve learned. They’ve all been learned the hard way and at some point I behaved accordingly. Then suddenly something will happen to shine a bright light on the reality that I have actually forgotten and slipped back into old thought patterns and behaviors.

This time nothing earth shattering happened. My husband just went out of town for a week. I miss him. We spent a great weekend at a lake house with the kids right before he left. It was nice and relaxing. And then he was gone. This is certainly no tragedy and it’s perfectly normal that I would miss my husband.

It’s more what happened while he was gone that woke me up to some truths about  myself. Coincidentally (or not, depending on how you view these things) I’ve been reading a few books that were seemingly unrelated but all talked about mindfulness and empowerment on some level. So, being more mindful I’ve noticed quite a few things.

First and foremost, my anxiety level is way down. I’m still extremely busy at work. In fact, the end of each month is always busy in my industry and this month is busier than most. Before he even left I had made a decision to stop working too much and stressing myself out about it but I certainly didn’t expect my anxiety to decrease so dramatically. There is a lot more to it than work as it turns out.

The two biggest lessons I had forgotten (and am now writing down so I can be reminded again…just in case) are: 1. I am a capable adult and 2. My husband is not my father.

#1 – I am a capable adult. I forgot this. Somewhere between reuniting with my husband after our separation (during which I felt very capable and empowered) I lost that lesson. I’ve been beating myself up, catastrophizing and just feeling weak and bad about myself in general. In being mindful this week I’ve been thinking about all the evidence there is indicating that I am, in fact, a capable adult. I survived an abusive childhood, I survived marital infidelity, I gave birth to two beautiful baby boys both under not-so-normal circumstances, I’ve been successful in my career, I got myself into therapy 3 years ago when I realized something was very, very wrong, I made huge changes in my relationships and life in general, survived the near-demise of my marriage and career, managed to reconcile with my husband when we seemed worlds apart, went back to college, overcame my public speaking phobia, survived the death of one of my best friends…I could go on and on but you get the idea. I forgot all these things and more. Instead I’ve been focusing on the negative, and even on the potential negative. This has made me feel inadequate, like a basket-case and generally fucked up. I’m not fucked up. I was 3 years ago, no doubt about it, but now…I’m fine. I’m not defective and I don’t need to focus on what I think my shortcomings are. If I am not happy about any aspect of my life I have the power and the tools to change it or at the very least change how I think about it. Period. Duh.

#2 –  My husband is not my father. I don’t consciously think of my husband as my father in a literal sense, that would just be gross. But I do project my father’s behaviors onto my husband, simply because he is the man in my life and the father figure in this house. These two men could not be more different and I’m certain that is the biggest reason I chose him. My father was loud, explosive and abusive. Bigger than life and scary as hell to me as a child. My husband is a nice, caring, even soft-spoken guy. He does get angry and irritated from time to time though just like everyone else. When he is angry I become extremely anxious. He is rarely angry with me but I take it personally and feel almost compelled to fix it. Very old pattern. I learned the lesson that I am not responsible for fixing anything or for his emotions back when we were in marriage counseling. Old patterns die hard when I’m not being mindful.

I’ve noticed for several years now that I also become extremely anxious every weekday around dinner time. I suspected that it was because as a child I was expected to have dinner ready and waiting when my parents came home from work and the consequences of failing to do so were severe. I just didn’t know how to stop this anxious feeling around dinner time. In this week that my husband has been gone I have not felt anxious at dinner time. Not even once. It would be convenient for me to blame my husband for my dinner time anxiety. He’s gone and so is the anxiety. It’s not that simple or his fault. The reality is that he doesn’t expect me to have dinner ready and waiting for him. Even if he did, he is not abusive and…back to #1…I am a capable adult. If he were to become angry with me for not having dinner ready when he got home from work….so what? I’m not a helpless child at the mercy of a tyrant. Plus, he knows where McDonald’s is.

Empowerment. It’s a beautiful thing and a lesson I cannot believe I forgot because it’s SO important. Living in the here and now and being aware (mindful) of old beliefs and patterns that simply are not part of my reality today….another beautiful thing that leads to even more empowerment. I’m not going to bother to try and figure out why I forgot these lessons. I’m just grateful that my husband went out of town for a week, that I chose to read some books that got me thinking, that he’s going to be back home tomorrow, that he is who he is and that I’ve recovered these important lessons.

Thanks for stopping by!

Almost a month. It’s been almost a month since I’ve written a blog post here. I’ve missed it. I started a post last weekend but got lost while writing, was exhausted and finally just gave up on it. That’s the only attempt I’ve made since my last post on July 14th.

I’ve missed a lot more than just writing here on my blog. I’ve missed my sanity, my life, my kids, husband, sister and even our new puppy. I’ve missed the sun, going to the pool and most of this summer. I’ve missed reading and playing and pretty much everything that is enjoyable in life. I’ve missed doctor’s appointments, a blood test that is long overdue and to say my house is a disaster would be an understatement. Ever play Sims? If you have you know that if your Sim doesn’t clean, flies start buzzing around the toilet. I feel like that could be a very real possibility here soon.

What is it that’s taken me away from all that I need and want to do? No, I haven’t been traveling to exotic places (I wish!) or been sick. I’ve been working. A few posts back I declared that I was going to stop taking on additional freelance work. I did do that. I also declared that I was going to focus more on my life and have some balance. I have failed miserably there.

Circumstances beyond my control have created conditions under which my current full time job has become completely unmanageable. I’m working 13+ hours per day and weekends and still not coming close to keeping up with everything. It’s most likely a temporary situation but has been going on for the past 3 weeks and doesn’t look as if it will stop anytime in the very near future. My guess is things will settle down around the middle of September.

The problem is that I can’t wait another month to stop the insanity that has become my life. I have to take back some control of my life and I have to do it now. I am not helpless and no one has a gun to my head. Yes, I am being pulled in 1,000 directions by those who I work for and those who work for me. But ultimately, my days are mine to do with as I see fit. I have fallen back into my old beliefs about people pleasing, only this time those people are not even my family, they are my employers and employees.

That blood test I missed is an annual one that my doctor requires in order to refill a prescription I take daily. I don’t have any of that medication left, haven’t for several weeks. It has started to affect my health. Did I put my foot down at any point last week and go get the damn blood test? Nope. I just kept working. I just kept trying to do what others wanted me to do. I also feel exhausted, depressed and more anxious than I have in a very long time. This is so infuriating as I read my own writing. Why are others more important than I am….to myself??!! Admittedly it’s a bit more complicated than that as it is my job and the paycheck it provides that pay a lot of the bills around here too. However, there is no excuse for not taking care of myself in any way for three weeks. It’s not “them”. Their demands are their demands. It’s me. It’s been my choice to leave this house for one hour one day to get that blood test and I haven’t done it.

That, my friends, is a glimpse into the insanity that is people pleasing or deriving your self-worth from your impressions of what others expect of you. I imagine it could literally kill me if I let it. I was far more out of control in my people pleasing ways with my loved ones and it did almost kill me emotionally. The idea that I could be fired for taking the time to get a blood test is simply an excuse. It has no validity whatsoever. Well, it may, I really have no way of knowing for sure SINCE I DIDN’T GET THE BLOOD TEST!! But, it’s highly unlikely that an hour away from my desk is going to get me fired and if it did….well, would I really want to work for anyone who would fire me for that?

And next week I’m off for three glorious days. We’re going to a friend’s lake house for a few days to get in a vacation before the boys go back to school. There will be no computer, likely no cell phone, and definitely no work. I’m sure everyone at work will survive those three days without me. No one is going to die and the company will be just fine without my presence for three days. Do I really think I’m so important that everything will fall apart if I go get a blood test??!! What the hell is the matter with me?!

Furthermore, despite all that I have been giving up I could still be laid off or even fired tomorrow for reasons that have nothing whatsoever to do with me. I’ve worked hard for many a company that has ended up closing for various reasons. In the end, no matter what I did actually mattered. And I have never been fired for not doing my job in my life. Every thought I’ve had and every action I’ve taken over the past 3 weeks have been completely and utterly irrational. And I know better.

So, I’m not missing any more. I will still work hard and do my best, as always. But I will get that blood test. I will not work myself to death. I will go on vacation next week. Dammit.

Thanks for stopping by!

Hubby and the boys have been gone most of the day. I wasn’t able to go with them because I had other things to do. When I arrived home after what seemed like 100 errands it was early evening. I knew they wouldn’t be home until late tonight so I was looking forward to having the house to myself for a while. But when I opened the garage door and saw the empty spot hubby’s car occupies I felt sad. I felt lonely.

This is so not me. I rarely feel lonely because I cherish alone time and don’t get enough of it. Sure, I miss my family when we are separated for long periods of time but this had only been several hours. Where the hell was this coming from? And what is loneliness anyway?

Loneliness:

1 a : being without company : lone b : cut off from others : solitary

2 : not frequented by human beings : desolate

3 : sad from being alone : lonesome

4 : producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation

 That’s the official definition. I wouldn’t say that a few hours away from my family equals being cut off from others or not frequented by human beings. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I felt desolate or bleak but I did feel sad from being alone. Which led me right back to my original question. Where the hell was this coming from?

It is exactly as described in the quote I chose for this post. I was feeling bad about myself and hoping they would make me feel better. Yikes. That sounds so pathetic. But I have to admit it’s true. I haven’t felt like myself lately. I have lost some self-confidence and self-respect. I know this. I have been thinking about it a lot. There are many different specific reasons but they all boil down to one thing. I haven’t been spending enough of my time doing things that enhance my self-confidence. I have been spending too much time doing things that deplete it. My own choices have caused me to lose respect for myself because I am aware that I am not properly taking care of myself yet haven’t done anything to correct it.

 It’s odd that this should come up right before my annual mother’s day trip. The first time I went away on mother’s day it was at the end of a long journey on which I learned to take proper care of myself and had a considerable amount of self-confidence and self-respect. That trip was sort of the crown jewel of my new life. The final frontier of independence, strength, living without fear and freedom from codependency. The new life in which I took proper care of myself. The new life in which others added to my happiness but in which I did not depend on them to provide my happiness for me. That’s my job.

Ironically it seems that this year’s trip is the beginning of that same journey. I’m starting over. Again. I have slipped up and need to get back on track. While that is frustrating and disappointing, at least I know the way this time. I’m trying not to beat myself up over having neglected myself because that will only lead to another journey I know well. One of self-loathing. It ends in a vicious cycle of self-defeating and destructive behaviors and thought patterns. I’ll skip that one this time around.

Old habits die hard. There must be a reason I have ended up here again. Here’s to three days alone at the beach, more lessons to be learned and the beginning of another new life.

Thanks for stopping by!

At this moment my usual direct writing style escapes me. I haven’t written a poem since high school. I wasn’t good at it then. This may be no better. It doesn’t matter. She’ll know what I mean. It’s all I can think of to say.

Darkness is familiar

Comfortable

What we know

The first glimpse of light

Is terrifying

It can’t be right

We retreat

We move forward again

Thrust fully into the light

It is blinding

Piercing our souls

Day is not night

Wrong is not right

Lies are not truth

There are no fairly tales

There are no monsters

The only demons are our own

We give them power when we ignore the truth

Frightening at first

A bitter pill to swallow

Made easier with acceptance

Reality proves to be far less painful

Than the darkness of denial and confusion

Liberating

Empowering

The possibilities are endless

You are not alone

You are loved

You are strong

You are brave

I am walking the same path

Let’s walk together

As we always have

As I have been trying to figure out how I lost myself again, how to find myself again or how to reinvent myself again, I realized that may have been a bit dramatic and it all comes down to confidence. I had it. I lost it. In small ways I have returned to looking outside myself for strength and confidence, even after I kicked that destructive habit to the curb two years ago. But why?

What is missing now that was present when I last felt confident, when I was doing a lot less people pleasing and beating myself up? Focus on myself.

I’ve been dealt some blows in the past year or so. I am well aware that others in this world have suffered and continue to suffer from much more serious problems than mine. But, my problems are my problems and they affect me. I lost two very close friends last year (one due to my decision to not associate with her abusive husband and the other to breast cancer), my career is still (and will likely always be as long as I stay in this industry) very uncertain, and many other things have changed since I last felt the confidence I miss. Such is life, I know.

It’s similar to a prize fighter getting into the ring in the prime of his career and in the best possible physical shape. If his opponent punches him a couple of times, he’ll shake it off and bounce right back. He may even win the fight. But if he stops training before his next fight, he may not be as strong, quick or resilient and each blow will likely hurt more and lead eventually to his losing the fight.

I’ve stopped training. I fell into the complacency of a happy marriage (versus the fight or flight I felt during our marital problems). I’d even go so far as to say that I’m walking that fine line between grief and depression. Maybe I even became over-confident in that I stopped doing many of the things that helped me gain the confidence to tackle my problems in the first place. I figured things were going great so I stopped training. I focused on other things and other people more than myself. I lost my balance.

I picked the example of the prize fighter for another reason. When I’m fighting for something that is clearly in need of my attention, as in my marriage, I feel more confident, focused and diligent. When I made the decision to stop associating with a known child abuser I never questioned that decision even though not everyone agreed with me. When things are black and white, right or wrong (to me), I am confident. It’s the gray areas of life that I struggle with and I struggle with them more when my confidence level is low to begin with.

So I have to do things and think about things that add to my level of confidence in order to better handle the gray areas and random irritations and problems that occur in everyone’s lives. I have to train for better resiliency. Some things that immediately come to mind are studying and reading about psychology. Knowledge is power and this is my favorite subject of course. My vacation in May, spending more time with my friends and family, eating better, working out regularly, taking walks, writing regularly…all these things help me take care of myself and I have to remember they come first.

Thanks for stopping by!

I had this post all planned out, well, for the most part anyway. And then I found this quote by this author who I adore. Who I even harbored a crush on when in my adolescence I first saw old footage of him when he was young. This quote made me stop and think and this post may go in a completely different direction because of it. A more positive direction.

When I started this blog I was new at exploring all the different roles I fill in life, setting boundaries and trying new things. I was like an eager student after reading her first great work of literature. I felt empowered, strong, adventurous and great about myself.

It didn’t stick. I’ve written a lot lately about guilt, perfectionism and beating myself up excessively and without restraint. I’ve noticed too that I’ve fallen back into some of my old people pleasing patterns. I’m sure part of it is grief over losing my friend but I believe there is more to it than that.

I’m considering the possibility that it’s easy for me to see myself and be myself, free of people pleasing behaviors when I am not part of a couple. I don’t want out, hubby and I are doing just fine. In fact, I feel closer to him than ever before in our 22 year history together. It’s me. It seems that at some point after we reunited after our 5 month separation I slowly began to lose myself again. It’s as if I allow myself to become swallowed up in the “we” and forget me. Luckily this time around the “we” is working well. He’s the first one to point out when I am trying to people please or when I need time to myself. I started to write about how I need to get back to that person I used to be. But this quote….what if it’s ok that I’m not who I used to be? Again. I was a different person in 2008 than I was from 1997-2007. Why not another different person this year? What if that’s the whole point of this current identity crisis.

It has also been suggested to me by someone I trust that the possibility exists that I don’t like myself. At first that didn’t ring true but then she gave an example. She knows a man who doesn’t like his son. They are wired differently and butt heads over everything. I’m guessing the father wants the son to be a certain way and the son is not that way and so the father doesn’t like him. It’s a sad story. The father is hard on his son, figuratively beating him up all the time. When this was suggested to me I was both the father and the son in the example. The idea being that I don’t like myself so I beat myself up in some self-destructive effort to get me to be who I want to be.

It sounds strange. Maybe too much psycho-babble for most. But the more I consider this possibility the more it starts to make sense. I want to feel like I felt in 2008 but I don’t. So I beat myself up for it. But what if what I really need is to be someone different entirely. Some new version of me. Yes, I do still need to find myself again but what I find may not be what I expected. It’s mind blowing.

In fact, I’m not happy with how long it’s taking for me to complete my psych degree. I’ve always joked that I’ll be 72 before I get to treat patients but I’m starting to actually believe that lately. I’ve been reading a bit about Life Coaching and know my friend Dawn has nothing but wonderful things to say about her Life Coach. I have begun to wonder if this could be one way to work in a field similar to my chosen field of psychology while continuing to pursue my degree. No, I won’t be analyzing anyone’s past or diagnosing anyone with anything but I would be helping people. Maybe even helping them to find themselves. Maybe helping them like themselves. I know very little about it so have some feelers out and am at the information gathering stage right now. But thinking about doing it feels good. Maybe I’m onto something.

My mother’s day weekend trip is less than two months away. I can’t wait. I feel a strong need to go this year that I did not feel last year. I think reconnecting with my beloved ocean, relaxing, alone with my thoughts, away from my daily routine may help me find myself again. Another thing I’m feeling that I didn’t feel last year or the year before is fear. That’s one of the things that I’m not liking about myself right now and the most compelling reason for me to go. I know there is nothing to fear but I’m feeling so weirdly vulnerable that traveling alone is evoking some fear, along with the joyful anticipation of going to my happy place.

Right this moment I hear a bunch of boys, my sons included, playing in the backyard. This makes me smile. These sounds are priceless and will be gone in the blink of an eye. I so love my role as their mom. I love their roles as kids who get to play until it’s dark out. This mom-thing is amazing and probably the only role that has kept me somewhat grounded and remotely close to sanity during the past 3 years. But I can’t lose myself in that role again either. It’s not good for me or them. But they teach me things too. Like I want to play more.

Thanks for stopping by!

We had been friends for years. Our kids were friends. Our husbands were friends. We all spent several nights per week together in one combination or another. All of us hung out at their house at least one night almost every weekend. We went on couples’ dates together. We went on family outings together. We attended concerts, went out to dinner, had parties and barbecues…all together. They were our best friends. They were there for us when we were having marital problems and neither took sides. They were like family.

That all changed one night in July. Turns out there was a big secret lurking in their home that they hid quite well from us, despite all the time we spent over there or how close we thought we were. We knew they were having some marital problems. We knew their teenage son was having some emotional problems. We had no idea, or looking back it’s more honest to say that we had some idea, but we really didn’t know or want to know the whole truth.

My friend called and asked if I’d watch the kids. She was hysterical. Of course I said yes. It seems their marital problems were much more serious than we knew. He was threatening to leave and take all of their money. She was panicked, had some errands to run, and wanted to leave the kids with us for a few hours.

She returned several hours later and that is when the full truth came out. He was in the middle of a full-blown narcissistic rage that would only continue to get worse as the night went on. He made many threats against her, her car, our home, their home and himself. He would hang up on her for refusing to come home and then immediately call back to scream horrendous insults and threats at her. She and the kids were panicked. My kids were panicked.

At one point she was on the phone with the police and kept putting them on hold to answer his calls because she was afraid to not answer him even while on the phone with the police. The whole truth was displayed for us with all the gory details that included years and years of emotional, verbal and physical abuse against my friend and her teenage son. She tried not to let us hear but he was screaming so loudly that even at the lowest volume we could hear him clear as a bell from the next room. She finally became so terrorized that she actually believed he would come to our house and asked if we could go to my sister’s to spend the night there instead.

Of course my sister opened up her home to all of us. We stayed up until 3am talking and just sitting with her and her kids. The whole time the insane phone calls never ceased. He called his wife and mother of his children names I have never considered calling my worst enemy. He threatened suicide. He threatened to burn down the house. He threatened to bash in her car. I heard him say that she had unleashed a monster that she will never be able to escape from. He tried every form of aggression he could think of to get her to come home but she was too scared. She finally turned her phone off and we all slept on the floor in the living room of my sister’s small home.

Of course he never did any of the horrible things he threatened to do the night before. In the morning, sober and more in control, he apologized….sort of. She went home. With her kids. Alone. We offered to go with her. The  night before she had said she would be taking the police with her to pick up clothes for herself and the kids. In the morning, when he was calm, that all changed and they went home. 

My sister and I were terrified of what they were going home to. What he would do once he got them back into their house all alone. When I spoke to my friend later that day she said that they had talked and everything was fine. I imagined him standing over her shoulder or even on another phone listening. I was traumatized and shaky for two weeks afterwards. We had re-lived any given night from our own childhood and were helpless to stop it even though we are adults now.

I have not talked to her since. Her kids have not spoken to mine since that night either. I knew I could never be friends with a known child abuser but I naively thought that she and I could maintain our friendship and that our kids would not lose their friends. I was wrong. I tried for months to get together for dinner or drinks but there was always an excuse.

She and I did have an e-mail correspondence in which she mentioned that she hopes her son is happy and that she has done everything she could to make his life perfect and prepare him for adulthood. That story may still fly with the ladies at school or in the neighborhood but she knows that I know the truth. I couldn’t just go along with the delusion so I reminded her that her son is depressed and about as far from happy as he can be because of his abusive father. She didn’t come out and say why she has cut us out of her life but I can only guess that they need us out of their lives because we know the truth. His image is blown.

I had suspected he was a narcissist. There were many clues. He always had to be in control. Once he even took the wheel when hubby was driving us somewhere because he thought he was about to hit a parked car (he wasn’t). His constant efforts to convince everyone of his perfect image and the perfect home and all the things he needed to make it a perfect home. He was obsessed with appearances including, but not limited to, a perfectly landscaped and manicured lawn. He bragged constantly about his latest frivolous purchases that no one else cared about and had to have the top of the line everything. He always had to be right. I also noticed tell-tale signs in the ways they interacted. When his glass was empty, she jumped to refill it. At parties they hosted she spent the whole time keeping everything immaculate instead of enjoying the party. I could go on and on. I chose to ignore it because we enjoyed their company and because I figured their marriage was their own business.

One night in July changed everything and yet it changed nothing. We lost our best friends but that was really only an illusion anyway, wasn’t it? For all I know we are just one couple in a long line who have been cut off when he has slipped and exposed his true nature. Nothing changed for my friend and her son. I hope they are ok. I hope she gets the courage to take care of herself and her kids. I hope she believes that I will be here for her if she does.

Thanks for stopping by.

I had no boundaries at all when I started dating. I had extremely low expectations about how I would be treated by men. Basically if a man was interested in me, was attractive and did not scream at or hit me, he was a keeper. One of the first guys I dated for any length of time during high school treated me like garbage. I only know that now. I didn’t know it then.

We worked together at a part-time after school job. We didn’t go to the same school. We did have some mutual friends. He asked me out and our first date was to be at a Halloween party. I was scheduled to work that night but called in sick. My boss, used to dealing with lying teenagers, gave me a hard time about it.

He stood me up. For our first date. I waited for hours making up excuse after excuse for his possible tardiness in picking me up and lack of communication about what was keeping him. When I finally stopped rationalizing his behavior I was devastated. I spent hours crying and trying to figure out what I had done wrong.

By the time I saw him at work a few days later I had already resolved to not let him know it bothered me at all. He did apologize but gave me no real explanation other than none of his other friends were bringing dates to the party. He said he still wanted to go out. I resisted for about a week but finally gave in and agreed. His chasing me was flattering. This time he was punctual. My parents loved him because he was tall, blond, good looking and behaved respectfully towards them.

He had recently been dumped by a long term girlfriend. She was a cheerleader. He was still pining over her. He even had a little shrine to her in his room complete with pictures of her and little mementos she had given him. It creeped me out but I rationalized this by telling myself it was a recent heartbreak that I would help him get over. Can you smell the co-dependency in the air even then?

His parents grilled me about my grades, what I wanted to do with my life and what extra curricular activities I was involved in. They were still pining over the ex-girlfriend too because they mentioned her and all of her activities often. I knew I could never measure up to her but I was determined to win them all over with my sparkling personality. The truth was, my after school activities involved making sure dinner was on the table as soon as my parents walked in the door and avoiding being hit or screamed at. I couldn’t exactly tell these fine, upstanding, cheerleader-loving people about that dirty little secret.

I can’t remember how long we dated but it was longer than I had dated anyone else. I was on the pill (that’s a post in itself) and decided I wanted to see what sex was all about. With him. I was extremely innocent, having done nothing more than make out with boys previously. I was curious and protected plus I figured he’d be less likely to dump me if we were having sex.

We were at his house alone one day making out on the couch when he suggested we go up to his room. I probably beat him up the stairs I was so eager to please. We were in bed, my clothes strewn about the floor of his room, about to do the deed when his parents came home early. He jumped out of bed, collected all of my clothes, threw them at me and pushed me towards the stairs telling me to get dressed in the bathroom downstairs and to hurry up. I did as I was told.

We went out once more after that incident, to one of his friend’s parties. He ignored me and flirted with some other girl the whole night. On the ride home he broke up with me. I acted like it didn’t bother me.

Once home I cried and cried, again wondering what I had done wrong. What I had done wrong! He had done everything wrong and wasn’t worth a second of my time. Reliving this is making me cringe. I want to build a flux capacitor, rent a DeLorean and travel back to 1986 to smack some sense into my 16 year old self. There are so many things wrong with the way I saw myself and my thought processes that I don’t even know where to begin. I shudder to think of what I would have become if I had had sex with him. I know I would have assumed that he broke up with me because I was bad at it and probably would never have tried it again. I’d be the creepy-spinster-cat-lady on the block most likely.

This all came up because I’ve come to the realization that I still have boundary issues and allow inappropriate behavior from men in my life. It’s not them, it’s me. I send off this signal that gives them the green light to behave badly. I allowed all sorts of nonsense from my own husband for years before realizing we had to change our relationship or end it. Luckily that worked out.

It’s other men in my life where I continue to find myself in uncomfortable conversations that I should not be allowing to continue. I was recently having a conversation with a man about a very serious and painful subject. He kept bringing the conversation back to sex. I kept laughing as if he were joking and then changing the subject back to the topic at hand. I made excuses for him since he is going through a lot right now. That’s horse-shit. I don’t care what he’s going through, nothing is a good enough excuse for this married man to be soliciting me, a married woman, for sex, “joking” or not.

This is not the first man with whom I’ve had these sorts of conversations either. That’s how I came to realize that it’s my lack of boundaries, not their behavior, that’s causing me confusion and feelings of being used. It feels just like it did to be the aforementioned asshole’s “girlfriend” back in high school. It’s time to challenge these “absolute truths” and stand up for myself once and for all. If I don’t insist on appropriate behavior I will continue to feel like that pathetic discarded 16 year old. I don’t need this type of attention from other men to feel validated anymore. It never validates me anyway.

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I am officially and publicly rededicating myself to changing many thoughts and behaviors that I had vowed to change but have slipped back into old patterns from time to time. These are things that I know are right for me. They may not be right for anyone else and that’s ok. In no particular order, mine are….

• I will not allow myself to be manipulated or manipulate others.
• I will use direct communication to ask for what I want or need from others.
• I will judge others. I will judge myself too. Much lip-service is being paid these days to being non-judgmental. It’s human nature. We all make judgments every single day. They help us decide what is best for us. These judgments can be flexible and knowing that, I will continue to question and challenge my own judgments about others and about myself regularly.
• I will be assertive. I will recognize the difference between assertion and aggression.
• I will speak freely in my life and on my blog. No fear. My opinions and judgments are my own. Others can disagree and have every right to express their opinions. However, I have no less right to express mine just because others don’t agree with them.
• I will remember that my own opinions about myself, my life and anything else are more important to me than those of others.
• I will allow myself to express emotions. The good, the bad and the ugly. I will cry when I am sad. I will not be afraid of my feelings. They are mine and are only harmful to me when I stuff them. The fear of sinking into a deep dark pit of despair causes more anxiety than the emotions themselves.
• I will trust my own instincts, regardless of what others believe.
• I will face my fears and overcome them.
• I will not engage in arguments, debates or conversations with people who are unreasonable, manipulative or simply out to perpetuate their own false image.
• I will stand up for myself when I feel someone is attempting to take advantage of me.
• I will admit when I am wrong.
• I will not apologize for anything I didn’t do.
• I will not doubt myself when I am wrongfully accused of doing anything I did not do.
• I will not accept others’ opinions of me, my words or my actions when I recognize that they are false.
• I will say what I mean. I will not sugar-coat the truth when it is important that the truth be heard.
• I am not obligated to explain my decisions or beliefs to anyone. If an explanation is requested, I may choose to give one but I owe no one.

I think that’s enough for today. I’m sure I’ll think of more. If anyone wants to join me by adding their own personal statements in the comments section, feel free. I may have missed a few of my own and be inspired by yours.

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As I was reading along about self-worth, I was kind of on auto-pilot.  Much of what I was reading was familiar already. Worthy of review but familiar nonetheless. Suddenly within a passage about repressed anger I was snapped out of auto-pilot when I came across the dreaded phrase, “People Pleasers“. Dammit. Not that again.

Breaking out of anger and rage often means having to break those patterns from childhood that said, “You must stuff feelings rather than fully express them.”. Expressing anger will help a person get “unstuck” and be able to go and feel other feelings.

Blocks To Expressing Anger

1. Dependent people are afraid that being angry will prove them unlovable. They are afraid people will reject them or abandon them. They struggle half-heartedly and tend to whine and complain rather than get angry and use that energy constructively to work toward resolution. They waste much energy and often feel depressed and apathetic.

2. Controlling people tend to intellectualize their anger and remove all feelings from it. They confuse the issues, look at every possible perspective and verbalize or avoid instead of feel. They stockpile so much anger that occasionally they vent out irrationally. Their fear of “loss of control” is often justified since they have so little consistent healthy expression.

3. People pleasers are people who often disguise their anger. They hint around about being angry, all the time smiling through clenched teeth. Often, the feelings manifest themselves as physical complaints. Headaches, muscle tension and stomach upsets are all signals of held-in anger.

-Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth

Since I was in self-awareness mode while reading, I had to re-read this part of the book after I read #3. It sounded like me but I had to go back and make sure I wasn’t just attached to a label that no longer made sense. I re-read #1. That isn’t me. Then I re-read #2. That isn’t me either. What I did realize though, is that #2′s are the people with whom I have the most conflicts. #2′s drive me crazy. This makes sense since I was completely controlled my whole life, first by my parents and then by my own behaviors that I took with me when I left home. I hate being controlled. I want to crawl out of my skin when I feel as if I’m being controlled in any way. Every sentence in that description got under my skin. I can name a dozen people in my life, past or present, that fit into this category and each one elicits a strong emotional response when I even think about my interactions with them.

These days when I encounter controlling people the first thing I do is determine if they may possibly be narcissists. I know narcissists are to be steered clear of at all costs. Once I’ve determined that they are not and are just control freaks, I write them off as such and try not to take their behavior personally. This works fairly well. However, I have to admit that when I’m forced to deal with these people in a way that I don’t want to deal with them, I revert back to people pleasing. Smiling through clenched teeth. I don’t want them to know they’ve gotten under my skin. Why? Because if they know that then they will know that they have succeeded in controlling me and I don’t want to give them that satisfaction.

First of all, this is absurd. It doesn’t really matter if they know it or not. The mere fact that I react so intensely means that I am allowing them to control me in some way. I am basically regressing when I do this. I used to swear I was not going to let my father see me cry and always beat myself up when I did cry. I thought if I could control my outward reaction then I could have some control over the situation and lessen his control over me. It didn’t work then and it doesn’t work now. This is called repetition compulsion.

Secondly, and this is possibly the key to diffusing my strong reaction to controlling people, is the understanding that they have simply learned to stuff their anger in a different way than I have. We are both hiding our “bad” feelings but are going about it in two different ways. They are actually more like me than different from me.

Wow. All this from a tiny little book that I was almost embarrassed to purchase. Stuffing feelings, especially anger….that I can relate to, no matter how it’s done.

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