November 2, 2008 was the date I sat down, wrote this post and hit the oft-dreaded publish button for the first time, claiming my own little spot here on the interwebs. I didn’t have much of a clue about why I was doing it or where I was going with it. I now have a pretty firm grasp on why I do it but still not the slightest idea of where it’s going.

I have learned quite a bit over the past year through blogging.

I’ve learned that pretty much no matter what I write about there is at least one person, and usually many more than just one, who reads it and comments or e-mails me to say they’ve been in the same situation or feel the exact same way. I’ve learned that I’m not alone.

I’ve learned that it is possible to develop relationships with people who follow my blog and whose blogs I follow. We have gotten to know each other. Admittedly, we never really know exactly how well we know each other since our primary interactions are through what each of us chooses to expose on our blogs and in our comments. Much can be hidden. The same can be said for people we know in life though. Some of the friends I’ve met through blogging have become facebook friends too, some I communicate with regularly via e-mail, one I have met in person. Some turned out not to be friends at all and/or not who they want people to believe they are. Some lost interest in my blog or I lost interest in theirs. Some stopped blogging and have disappeared. They have all touched me in some way and all taught me something about life or about myself.

I’ve learned a ton about social media. When I started out I had a MySpace account and one e-mail address. Today, I’m on virtually every social networking site there is. I can’t even remember all that I’ve signed up for. MySpace has been completely abandoned. Facebook is private and used primarily for people who I actually know, except my public Facebook Page for this blog. I have an endless number of e-mail addresses. I even know a little about search engine optimization, especially that anyone claiming to be a SEO guru, is in fact, NOT.

I’ve learned that there are multiple cliques within the blogging community. There is always some controversy or other brewing. These always seem to bring out the worst in people, the catty in-fighting hurts us all. This is especially true amongst “mommy-bloggers” which is, unfortunately, the category under which my blog most likely falls. I try to ignore the nonsense. It usually blows over pretty quickly and isn’t nearly as important as anyone involved thought it was.

I’ve learned that blogging is extremely time consuming and much easier to keep up with when not employed than when working full time. I’ve learned that doesn’t bother me and that I somehow find the time because I love it so much.

My most popular blog post by far is Narcissistic Mothers. My least popular post is Are Credit Scores Obsolete. I guess there a lot more people trying to understand their parents and narcissists than there are interested in credit scores or the mortgage industry. Or maybe there are just a lot more professional bloggers out there talking about credit scores and the mortgage industry so my little post didn’t cover any new ground.

That about sums up what I’ve learned this year and I hope to learn even more over the next year. Thank you to everyone who’s reading!

As always, thanks for stopping by!

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I am officially and publicly rededicating myself to changing many thoughts and behaviors that I had vowed to change but have slipped back into old patterns from time to time. These are things that I know are right for me. They may not be right for anyone else and that’s ok. In no particular order, mine are….

• I will not allow myself to be manipulated or manipulate others.
• I will use direct communication to ask for what I want or need from others.
• I will judge others. I will judge myself too. Much lip-service is being paid these days to being non-judgmental. It’s human nature. We all make judgments every single day. They help us decide what is best for us. These judgments can be flexible and knowing that, I will continue to question and challenge my own judgments about others and about myself regularly.
• I will be assertive. I will recognize the difference between assertion and aggression.
• I will speak freely in my life and on my blog. No fear. My opinions and judgments are my own. Others can disagree and have every right to express their opinions. However, I have no less right to express mine just because others don’t agree with them.
• I will remember that my own opinions about myself, my life and anything else are more important to me than those of others.
• I will allow myself to express emotions. The good, the bad and the ugly. I will cry when I am sad. I will not be afraid of my feelings. They are mine and are only harmful to me when I stuff them. The fear of sinking into a deep dark pit of despair causes more anxiety than the emotions themselves.
• I will trust my own instincts, regardless of what others believe.
• I will face my fears and overcome them.
• I will not engage in arguments, debates or conversations with people who are unreasonable, manipulative or simply out to perpetuate their own false image.
• I will stand up for myself when I feel someone is attempting to take advantage of me.
• I will admit when I am wrong.
• I will not apologize for anything I didn’t do.
• I will not doubt myself when I am wrongfully accused of doing anything I did not do.
• I will not accept others’ opinions of me, my words or my actions when I recognize that they are false.
• I will say what I mean. I will not sugar-coat the truth when it is important that the truth be heard.
• I am not obligated to explain my decisions or beliefs to anyone. If an explanation is requested, I may choose to give one but I owe no one.

I think that’s enough for today. I’m sure I’ll think of more. If anyone wants to join me by adding their own personal statements in the comments section, feel free. I may have missed a few of my own and be inspired by yours.

Thanks for stopping by!

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It has been almost a year since I started blogging. As many people do when milestones are approaching, I have looked back over the past year of my life and at what I have written about. I have started to wonder why the hell I do this. Why do I blog?

Like my friend Tammy, who recently asked the same question on her blog, I’ve always been very private, not sharing much with anyone other than my closest friends and family. It is completely out of character for me to write about my most painful experiences, embarrassing moments, and deepest darkest thoughts.

And therein lies the answer.

I started blogging because well, I had nothing better to do. I was unemployed and it was November so my kids were in school. I couldn’t travel or shop because of the financial situation we were in as a result of my unemployment. I was on the internet all day anyway looking for jobs.

I was also coming to the realization that when I became a mom I lost myself completely. I wanted to talk about all of those other roles I gave up when I became a mom because I started noticing that others in my life seemed to have done the same. I figured if I had done it, and some people I know had done it, there must be others out there too. I was right, wasn’t I? I am still amazed at all the women I have met through blogging who are struggling with their own identities. I’m even more amazed by all the people in my life, even distant business acquaintances, who have contacted me after a blog post to say they have been there too. I would never have known were it not for this blog. Each person I have ever heard from has taught me something and I couldn’t be more grateful to each and every one.

What I’ve come to realize in the year that I’ve been writing about all of this was that it wasn’t just that I lost my own identity when I became a mom. The truth is that I jumped into that role voluntarily giving up all others. I was ashamed of my choices, my life, myself. Being a good mom was something I could definitely handle. I cut off almost all other parts of my identity because it was comfortable and much easier to do than to face my own shame.

The only role I didn’t give up was my role as an ambitious career woman. I kept on working and pursuing promotions and success. That was the only other role I knew I could handle. It was also another huge distraction that allowed me to ignore my shame. Between being a mom and working full time, I made certain that I didn’t have the time or energy to ask myself some tough questions about who I had become. That all ended when the mortgage industry tanked, launching me into this mid-life crisis that has turned out to be the biggest learning experience of my life.

So, that’s why I do this. I put my thoughts out there and am rewarded in two ways. The first way is that I simply get to release what I was born and bred to hide and feel ashamed of…my own thoughts and feelings. The second way is that I find out other people feel exactly the same way or have a different perspective to offer, but either way, get where I am coming from.

Thanks for stopping by!

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If you’re on Twitter you understand how #followfriday works.

If not, the idea is to share your favorite people with others. In this case, I am looking for the name and link to one of your favorite blogs. It’s a way to pay it forward. Hopefully, we’ll end up with a nice long list of some great blogs that we would otherwise miss out on.

Keep it clean please! All spam, marketing and porn will be deleted (sorry!). I’m looking for some good blogs with actual written articles. 

If you’d like to leave a comment on why you added the blog(s) you submitted, feel free!

I’ll get it started. Since it would be impossible to choose which of my favorite blogging friends to include, I’m going to kick it off with a new blog I’ve been following lately.

Thanks for stopping by!

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At first I couldn’t remember exactly when we first met.  I did a little research and found the exact date.  December 8, 2008.  We had both been using a blog networking site called Alpha Inventions and she bumped me out of the rotation. I’ll never forgive her for that.    Coincidentally (or is it?), December 8th is also Bodhi Day.

At the time I had only been blogging for a little over a month and really had no clue what I was doing (as opposed to today, when I have exactly 1 clue what I’m doing).  She left me a very sweet comment and we’ve been following each others’ blogs ever since.

We’ve discussed everything from bird poop to abortion.  We’ve both had our fair share of narcissists in our lives and can spot them a mile away (well at least within 40 days or so).  We’ve both learned a lot of lessons the hard way but are grateful for the lessons nonetheless.

Where I can be direct, brutally honest and even blunt, Dawn is laid-back (most of the time), understanding and sometimes writes in almost cryptic, poetic metaphors. I once commented to another blogger who we both follow that she is the angel and I am the devil on her shoulders.  She seems to be a more zen-wise-go-with-the-flow type of person where I’m more of a high-strung-impatient-neurotic-hot-mess.

She lives in another state but is going to be spending a weekend in my area in a few weeks celebrating her birthday.  How cool is it that after talking about our most deep dark secrets and general nonsense for the past few months, we actually get to meet face to face for lunch while she’s here?!

I’m really looking forward to it and hope we have as much fun in person as we do online!

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I love to talk.  Shocking, right?  I love any sort of intellectually stimulating conversation.  I love absolute goofball conversations.  I still seem to have a difficult time verbally communicating what I mean.  This happens a lot.  Where I stumble the most is talking about how I feel, but I have a hard time with even the most mundane verbal communications.

This seems so strange to me because I clearly have no problem writing about just about anything, sometimes things other people would have a hard time writing about.  I can write about my feelings and publish them on this blog with no problems at all.  So, why it is so difficult for me to communicate verbally is extremely confusing and frustrating.

This problem rears its ugly head most in my marriage.  Hubby is not normally a talker.  He can go days (literally) without saying hardly anything at all.  Other times, once he gets going on a particular subject, there’s no stopping him.  Being completely neurotic, when he is silent for long periods of time, I naturally assume that something is wrong, that he is hiding something from me or that he’s afraid to tell me something.  Even though I know, from over 22 years of experience, that this is just how he rolls, I still assume the worst.  What, you mean you wouldn’t?! 

We had a mundane miscommunication yesterday.  He had somewhere to go last night.  A family party.  I knew  he’d be leaving somewhere around dinner time so I asked if he’d be eating dinner here or at the party.  He said he wasn’t sure and would decide later in the day after he’d figured out about what time he was leaving.  I planned on making dinner just in case he decided to eat here but my alternate plan, if he decided not to, was to just make chicken nuggets and tator tots for the kids and I.  We all love this culinary delight although he does not.  So, I usually make this dish when he isn’t around.  As dinner time rolled around I sent our youngest son upstairs to ask hubby if he was going to eat dinner here.  He said yes.  So, I made dinner.  Once dinner was ready, hubby came downstairs and said he’d have a little bit but was going to eat at the party!  I wasn’t happy.  I could have avoided making the full dinner that I made if he had just told me that.  I realize that this communication all took place through an 8 year old but I don’t think that’s the problem.  The question (are you going to eat dinner here?) was direct and straightforward.  The answer (yes) was equally direct and straightforward.  He felt bad because he didn’t know that I would have made chicken nuggets and tator tots if he weren’t eating here.  In his defense, I never communicated that to him.  It seems as if I assumed he knew that dinner would me much lower key if he weren’t going to be here because that is always the case.  He is aware that when it’s just the kids and I, I don’t normally make the bigger dinners that I make when he is with us.  Having said that, this miscommunication seems to be my fault.  I wasn’t clear.  The problem is that I thought I was clear.

While this is just one boring example of a miscommunication that had virtually no negative consequences (except for mild irritation on my part and the devastating consequence of missing out on chicken nuggets and tator tots), this type of thing seems to happen frequently between us, on more serious topics as well.

What is my problem?  Why can I communicate so clearly in writing but seem to be virtually inept at verbal communication?  Or is it more a combination of both of our communication styles together?  These are obviously rhetorical questions.  If I don’t have these answers I know no one reading this will.  We had to go to marriage counseling to deal with some of our big problems last year.  Many of those problems ended up revolving around simple miscommunication and/or our own individual insecurities clouding our perceptions of situations.  During that time period, we communicated quite a bit via e-mail and things made a lot more sense to both of us that way.

As far as talking about my feelings, if asked a specific question, I will give a direct answer, even if it feels uncomfortable.  I just don’t volunteer much information about how I’m feeling, what is on my mind or what (if anything) is bothering me at any given moment.  Combined with hubby’s natural “strong-silent-type” personality, I think we have created the perfect storm for things to be lost in translation. 

This blog offers something of a translation guide for him but I have no written translation guide from him at all.  Conversely, this blog has also caused miscommunication between us.  Last week I wrote a post about how I couldn’t focus and had too many topics bouncing around in my head.  One of those topics was divorce.  I was thinking about that topic because of someone we know who is going through a divorce.  He assumed that I was considering the prospect of us divorcing.  I was not.

Maybe verbal communication is overrated, except for making appointments and ordering pizza.  But then I’d miss out on all the good conversations that I love.  Ugh.

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This morning someone I follow on Twitter but have never actually spoken to sent me a direct message saying the following….

i am going to unfollow for now – check what your twitterfeed is sending out in tweets – NOT positive

I couldn’t even begin to imagine how I could have offended someone I had never even spoken to so I asked….

I got your DM but don’t understand what you’re talking about?

This was her response….

- your twitterfeed that u automatically set up has sad & depressing stories feeding to your twitter account

I have no idea why we were following each other, except that we are both moms.  I will sometimes follow other moms just to see if they have anything of interest to stay.  In this woman’s case, we had never crossed paths before.  I don’t recall ever even reading anything she had posted on Twitter.

This little exchange bothered me way more than it should have.  I was prepared to write back several different versions of expletive filled responses with the overall theme that I thought she was incredibly rude for criticizing what I had to say when we had never even spoken.  She could have just stopped following me without the little instruction to “check what your twitterfeed is sending out in tweets” and there was no reason for her to  announce her new status as an un-follower.  I didn’t even know her and she didn’t know me.  I don’t automate my posts on twitter, although I do post from other online applications.  Maybe she doesn’t quite know how all those whoozy-whatsits work.

It bothered me because I have been feeling pretty dark lately and thought maybe I’ve become one of those humorless depressing people who sucks the life out of everyone around them.  Oh yeah, that’s where my mind goes.  Yep, one comment from one stranger and I considered the possibility that I am defective in some way.

Strangely enough, being completely neurotic, I’m also vindictive.  There were many nasty comments that I considered slinging back at her (I ended up simply saying only; my tweets aren’t automatic & thanks for the feedback.).  I consider this taking the high road.  It’s as high of a road as I was capable of taking.  You’ll notice that I didn’t take such a high road that I am refraining from devoting an entire blog post to this ridiculous conversation.  But, I didn’t indulge my inner bitch by getting into a cat fight on twitter with this judgmental stranger either.  I guess I took the middle road, as any good Buddhist would do.

I finally decided there must be some common ground and proceeded to over-analyze what articles/posts she could be referring to.  In the time-frame in which she decided to unfollow me, I posted links to an article I wrote on my other blog defining physical abuse, an article I read about Merrill Lynch bonuses, a link to my blog post Karma Really Is A Bitch, an article from a psychology site about marital problems and focusing on yourself and the relationship instead of blaming your partner and playing the victim, an article about a proposal for U.S. public health care to pay for abortions and an article about a conversation George W. Bush had in 2003 with the president of France.

From there I concluded that she either didn’t read any of the actual articles or is a soulless, heartless woman.  The only two articles that could even remotely be labeled as “sad and depressing” are my two blog posts.  One is from my other blog, on which I am trying to raise awareness or do something about child abuse.  The other is from this blog and is about karma, abused children and my friend who has breast cancer.  If she read either of these two articles, and considers herself to be a “nice” person, then she is fooling herself.  I’m not going to deny that either of these could be considered sad and depressing.  It’s possible.  But guess what, I’m trying to do something about things that are sad and depressing in my life and writing about them helps me do that.

How dare this self-righteous bitch judge me for that?

Guess what honey, life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows.  Not even your life.  No matter how hard you try to make everyone think you and your family are perfect, I’m not buying it, and neither is anyone else.  I may have a dark side but at least I’m real you stepford wife.

I also checked her stream of comments and her blog.  To say that they were nauseating would be an insult to nausea.  They weren’t interesting enough to elicit any physical reaction besides a yawn.  She likes to talk about naptime, playdates, housecleaning and reading a kids’ book about crochet.  No, I’m not making this stuff up.  Besides that, her blog isn’t even open for comments.  She simply wants to blather on about whatever boring-ass crap is going on in her perfect little home and couldn’t care less about any other insights or opinions.  Not that anyone reads the thing anyway, other than to help them fall asleep at night.

It finally dawned on me.  I’ve stumbled across one of the quintessential “Mommy Bloggers” that give the rest of us a bad name.  See, her blog is actually tied to her website where she sells web design and training and also sells cutesy mommy crap.  Her blog is just a front.  Another way to get more mommies into her store or to pay her to set them up with a website so they can get rich working from home, just like her.

She can stay in her own little “positive-only” world until it blows up in her face.  I’ll stay in mine, flaws and all.

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I have literally started writing FOUR different blog posts in the past twenty-four hours.  None of them are any good.  None of them say what I want to say in the way I want to say it.  I can’t concentrate on any of them long enough to make them readable.

So, I figured I may as well write about my inability to write.  I don’t know where it’s coming from exactly.  I do know that it’s a result of anxiety, worrying and monkey mind.  I just can’t pinpoint exactly where it’s all coming from right now.

Some of the topics bouncing around in my head like a deranged short-circuited pinball machine are, in no particular order….revenge, abuse, death, divorce, friendship, anxiety, cancer, money, insomnia, sexuality, work, Facebook, shame and secrets.

Looking at that list it’s pretty easy to figure out why I can’t focus.  Those are some pretty big topics.  Well, except Facebook of course.

I’m a tightly wound bundle of nerves with a brain that never seems to stop questioning and exploring.  Searching for….answers, I guess.  And peace.

My 11-year-old son noticed it for the first time the other day.  I had just finished making dinner and we were beginning to eat.  I was all stressed out but not saying that I was.  He and hubby both asked why I was stressing and my explanation was so absurd that I think they secretly were a little frightened.  They both reminded me to relax.  Easier said than done.

I always feel anxious around dinner time.  When I’m working, it starts as soon as I leave the office and doesn’t end until after dinner is over.  I’ve noticed this daily window of insanity for quite some time now.  I know that I feel pressure to get home, get the kids, make dinner, straighten up the kitchen and serve something edible to my family right around the time that hubby gets home from work himself.  I feel as if all of this has to be orchestrated and timed to be completed precisely as he walks in the door.

In his defense, hubby has never said or acted as if he expects any of these things.  He does have a thing about cold food, but is more than happy to pop his plate into the microwave if his dinner has cooled off.  He does like a clean kitchen, but has never even suggested that he believes that to be my responsibility.  He also doesn’t expect me to cook every night.

All of this dinnertime stress is my own.  Where the hell does it come from?!  I’ve never claimed to be the perfect little housewife or even close to a perfect cook.  Hubby has never expected me to be.  It’s got to be coming from somewhere.

The only thing I can think of is, as usual, my past.  When I was an adolescent, the responsibility of dinner was completely turned over to me.  I had to make dinner every night for the entire family.  My memories of this are pretty fuzzy but I can imagine either one of my parents expecting a hot meal to be served promptly upon their arrival home and dire consequences if that expectation wasn’t met.  But I don’t remember for certain.  Hopefully my sister will remember more and chime in here because she took over the dinnertime duties once I was older and home less and less.

On the other hand, maybe I just need to lay off the caffeine.

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My TV watching schedule is picking up fast.  I try to limit the number of shows I watch and keep most on the DVR for a while before watching several at once.  However, this week, there are two shows starting that I always have to watch the same night they are on.  Entourage and Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations.

Last season after writing a blog post about how much I love Bourdain’s show, I was contacted by the PR firm for The Travel Channel and asked to post weekly promos that they sent out regarding the upcoming episodes.  I agreed to do it for several reasons.  One reason was that I already loved the show and didn’t mind posting the promos for it.  Another reason was that I thought it was pretty cool that they contacted little old me to help promote their show.  Finally, I was pretty new to the blogging world and naive about how things worked.

I was pretty harshly criticized by some other bloggers for agreeing to this.  I was accused of shilling for The Travel Channel, not writing original content and even of claiming that the promo posts were my own original material.  For the record, I never received any compensation for this or claimed that any of the promos were my own original material.  I did receive an autographed picture as a thank you.  I disclosed all of this on my blog.

I’m not so naive anymore.  I still have no problem promoting this great show on my blog.  However, I now know that bloggers are regularly paid for ad space on their blogs.  I no longer “shill” for free.  Especially when dealing with an organization as large as The Travel Channel, they can certainly afford to pay for ad space.

I’m not sure why they choose to ask bloggers to advertise the show.  Obviously, the way they are going about it now is cost effective, since no one is getting paid.  What I don’t understand is why they need to promote this show in this manner.  I believe the show is already pretty well known and know that they run  traditional advertising campaigns.  You wouldn’t think that the promos bloggers agree to post would make a big difference in the ratings, but as long as it isn’t costing them anything I guess it can’t hurt.

Am I watching the show this season?  Of course!  Will I blog about the show again?  Maybe, if I feel like discussing a particular episode for some reason.  Will I be more than happy to receive compensation from The Travel Channel for being a sponsor on my blog?  Absolutely.

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I am a grammar nazi.  There.  It’s out.  Whew! 

Of course I do take liberties here on my blog and when communicating verbally.  I do use slang.   Especially when writing, the reader cannot see facial expressions, cannot hear voice inflections or tones and sometimes taking liberties is helpful in cluing the reader into the author’s personality, mood or intention.   But those liberties and uses of slang are intentional.

One of my biggest pet peeves is the unintentional improper use of words.  I proofread and edit my blog posts multiple times before hitting that publish button.  I still sometimes worry about phrasing and have to come back here to read it again.  A published typo is one of my worst nightmares.  Seriously.

The other day hubby pointed out a fairly obvious typo on a post that had been up for several days!  That had to be corrected immediately.  I wasn’t going to be able to sleep with that “out there”.  I was horrified that others may have read it, noticed it, and decided against pointing it out to me figuring that I was just an ignorant and uneducated moron. 

I was horrified again yesterday when I followed a link posted on twitter by @RoseZag explaining the proper use of the word, “comprised”.  I couldn’t believe it.  I’ve been using this word incorrectly my entire life!  After further research, it turns out I’m not the only one.  It’s been misused in the same way I’ve misused it for so long that is has now become an acceptable usage.

This actually bothers me too.  Our language and proper usage of words depends on how many people find it acceptable?  That means the rules are always changing!  How can this be?!  I don’t know why this bothers me.  This actually goes along with my general free-thinking attitude and dislike of “shoulds”.  Maybe it’s the one thing I always thought was constant in life and am just shaken to find that it changes, just like everything else.  Proper grammar isn’t constant.  Nothing ever is.  I’m going to leave that last sentence alone.  I can be a grammar rebel too! 

I vividly remember my parents explaining that I was not to use the word, “ain’t” and one of the reasons they gave for not using it was that it wasn’t in the dictionary.  Guess what?  It’s in the dictionary today.  Thankfully, it is still not truly acceptable but it’s in there. 

A few of my personal nails-on-a-chalkboard-grammar-misdeeds that seem to be used quite frequently are, in order of annoyance…

irregardless- It’s just, “regardless”.  Adding the “ir” preface only serves to turn it into a double negative.   

valentime – Yes, even intelligent and educated people use this word improperly.  I have no idea why this occurs but it makes them sound stupid and frankly…ghetto.  It’s valentine, with an “n”!

could care less – It’s, “couldn’t care less”!  I never noticed that many people used this phrase until someone pointed it out to me.  Ever since then I notice it all the time and it bugs the crap out of me.  If your intention is to indicate a complete lack of caring, then saying that you could care less indicates that you actually do care.  It makes no sense.

I’m sure there are many more that aren’t immediately coming to mind.  Am I the only one who feels this strongly about improper use of grammar?  What are some of your grammar pet peeves?

Thanks for stopping by!

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