What Do I Really Want
“How in the hell could a man enjoy being awakened at 8:30 a.m. by an alarm clock, leap out of bed, dress, force-feed, shit, piss, brush teeth and hair, and fight traffic to get to a place where essentially you made lots of money for somebody else and were asked to be grateful for the opportunity to do so?” — Charles Bukowski
I’ve written before about how my sense of self-worth was (is still to some extent?) tied to my job. I obtained this knowledge when my career was completely derailed as the mortgage industry took a nose dive in 2007. I went from being a VP with a six figure income to being unemployed for a full year. It wasn’t pretty. I felt like a big loser. A failure. I learned a lot in that year. For instance, that I am still me, and still a person worthy of love, even when I am unemployed. I am not my job. I am not worthy of love only when I am working and bringing in the big bucks. Good lesson.
Since I’ve been employed steadily now for longer than I was unemployed I’ve noticed something else. My self-worth is also tied to how much I earn. I took a huge pay cut out of necessity. The VP jobs were few and far between with hundreds of qualified candidates applying for them. I took several steps back. I’ve made some progress as far as promotions. I am back in management. But I’m not making anywhere near six figures these days.
I was bothered by this for several weeks recently as I came to believe that I’m worth more. And I am. But it took a bit longer to see that the amount of money I make does not define me any more than my job title or even lack of employment does. I am worth a lot more than my paycheck. I was taking on way too much work. Any freelance opportunity that came my way, I accepted. There were a few weeks where I was working 13 hour days since I have a full time job already and had to work on the freelance stuff in the evenings.
The thing is that I’ve already got the job I want. More important to me than the money is the fact that I work from home. I don’t have to fight traffic or be stuck in a cubicle all day. And the main reason I wanted to work from home was to have the extra time to spend with my kids and other things that I want to do. So why the hell was I taking on additional work that took more precious time away from what I really want?
Money. I’m not particularly materialistic. I don’t care about expensive cars, houses, jewelry or “stuff”. I do feel more secure when we have money in the bank and I don’t enjoy having to watch every penny I spend at the grocery store. But when I think of how many people in our country alone are in much worse financial shape than we are, not to mention all the people in other countries living under completely inhumane conditions, well, I feel like a shallow snob. Sadly, it does make me feel better about myself to earn an extra raise, bonus or additional pay from a freelance job. It’s mostly the pride in taking care of things, financially speaking, and the security that comes from having extra money for those unexpected emergencies.
But at what cost? The time I so desperately wanted. I’ve spent it working instead. At the ripe old age of 40 I’ve finally learned that if I want something, I am the only one who can obtain it. Clearly I’m a slow learner. And I am the only one who can sabotage myself too. I got what I wanted. I work from home. I like my job. I make decent money. Spending more time on additional work is taking away from what I want and the money is usually long gone by the time the regret sets in over the fact that I have spent my time doing something other than what I want to with it.
Do what you love and the money will follow, right? Starting today, that’s exactly what I’m doing.
Thanks for stopping by!
This is such a wise post, Cyndi. I am working on a similar thing – not labeling myself at all or defining myself by the labels I used in the past: wife, mother, friend, PR professional, whatever. And to get to that point where we know we have value just because we exist. Whew! It’s huge. And you are 20 years younger than me. I had to wait till age 60 to get this.
Karen
Karen Walker´s last blog ..Telling the Truth Tuesday – Being quiet
I’ve spent countless years with my eye on the next vine I needed to get me and mine through the jungle, and found myself dangling from delicate vines a few times … not knowing where to swing next. Spooked with not knowing where or how it would all work out. It’s these times that I have noticed I am dangling above a strawberry patch. Which is metaphorical in meaning it’s a self nurturing and letting go kind of time. Not intending to be too metaphorical here but do want to say that enjoying what is before you now and less concerned with reaching to the next vine is the best you can do.
Those vines that brought you to this place were for a very good reason and you don’t need to figure it all out. Or maybe things just get figured out for you … I’m not sure but I am in awe how that works out. (Also you should know that my head is still in the clouds from camping and stuff and I’m still trying to put myself back together.)
Yes, thank you for being much, much, much more than your earning potential …. I just think of the lives you touch and I wonder how could the value be more significant than it is?
Dawn´s last blog ..Things that are Growing
Welcome back Dawn! Hope you had a nice vacation.
You’re right, I don’t need to figure it all out. I am where I am for a reason. Part of it was completely out of my control and part of it was due to conscious decisions I made. The lessons I’ve learned are priceless and well worth the struggles that taught me those lessons. I too am in awe of how it all works out.
I had to laugh at the quote. Wake up at 8:30? Who does this? My alarm has been set for 5:30 for about 20 years now.
This summer I quit a six-figure job because I needed the sanity. I could no longer spend a half-hour in traffic, 45 minutes seeking parking, and then 9 hours crammed into a cubicle with work raining down from other people’s dysfunction. This summer of freedom was the best decision I ever made; time to actually sit down and eat lunch, time to walk the dog and let the answering machine take the messages. I’ve been approached with a new opportunity…back in the same rat race. I’m not sure the money is worth it.
Good point Terri! 8:30 is late these days but I can’t pass up a Bukowski quote.
Amazing that you voluntarily walked away. My entire industry had to crash before I was forced into a year of unemployment. Clearly I have to be hit over the head to realize my own destructive behaviors. I’m impressed that you were able to recognize what you needed and just did it. If I were offered my old job back (not a possibility – the company no longer exists) I wouldn’t take it. I would stay right where I am. Three years ago I wouldn’t have thought twice about going back. I’d love to hear your final decision.
I actually have a desk job (a good job) and one with nice benefits, that my family needs. I have struggled for YEARS at the WHEN can I move on and do WHAT I WANT, do the job the I want to have. paycheck aside (it’s fair but no where near 6 figures) i have had to grapple with it all too.
had to realize the payoff for the day at my desk, away from my son and family is that I earned a living for my family and not always that boo, I didn’t get to be a writer or some other profession.
It also didn’t hurt that my boss gave me a great review (no raise though haha) I’ve been here too long for those anymore. anyways..I think it’s all perspective. and that we can always change.
helps me. great topic
Cindy´s last blog ..Randomness
Cindy, you hit the nail on the head. Perspective. I worked outside of the home for many years and I had to do it. I didn’t have any other choice. I had to earn a living for my family. I am extremely lucky that I am now able to earn a living for my family while also still being home with them. When I started to feel as if I wasn’t paid enough, that it what I reminded myself of. I have the best of both worlds and don’t need to push myself to the limit to make more and more and more. I quit the most recent freelance gig today.
I also think, in part, it’s a woman’s struggle. the split of needing to feel that we are financially contributing to our families…and to be home nurturing them.
I know it’s been a huge struggle for me. I have never had the opportunity to be home, and really want it; but in some ways, deep down, I know not providing some income would be hard to deal with.
I also see a lot of judgement on men who need to or choose to stay home and be the caregivers (as in our situation). So crazy. if the situation works for the couple and family, no one has a right to snub their noses (I think).
lot of ego involved too.
I am glad you are finding peace with it all; that’s the most important part!
Cindy´s last blog ..Randomness
Cindy – Ah yes, the working mother’s guilt. We all have it don’t we? It’s true that most people don’t get it when a dad stays home and totally agree it’s each family’s choice to decide who works and who stays home. As long as you are doing what works best for you, it’s no one else’s business.
It’s so easy to get caught up in this, Cyndi. The couple of years that I didn’t even work part-time (but did plenty of important stuff for my family and in the community volunteering) was hard on me psychologically at times. Even though it really didn’t make sense for me to be working those years, I always felt, deep down, like I should be contributing financially to the family. Hubby didn’t feel that way. The thinking rational part of me didn’t feel that way. But it was still there…
Les, it is so easy to get caught up in it. I didn’t really analyze “why” in my post as I usually do….to death.
But, I wonder if part of it is just our consumerism based society. Earn more, buy more, have more, keep up with the Jones’s…some of that nonsense has to seep in even though I don’t actually keep up with anyone as far as possessions are concerned. And my husband has not pushed me to earn more either, it’s been all me.
i think too that somehow it gets imprinted in us at a young age that the busier we are the more important we are. when people as us how we are or what we’ve been up to, don’t we feel the need to communicate just how busy we have been? why is that? so when we get into the work force, we know we need to do more to climb more to earn more. value gets attached to that.
i think it is great that you recognized the things you put value on and that you are evaluating them. more is just more, it isn’t necessarily better. live for the things that matter friend!
consuella´s last blog ..where the hell am i
Yes, that’s true too. Everyone is always so busy. As if NOT being busy is shameful or something. It is a strange dynamic in our society, isn’t it. But whenever someone talks about doing something fun or relaxing we say, “good for you”, “you deserved it” or even feel secretly jealous. As if we can only justify not being busy by earning it and as if only others are lucky enough to not be busy sometimes. So weird.
what a great post! wouldn’t it be nice if we were in the 24th century already and the concept of money didn’t exist (a la “Star Trek”)?
i stepped down from being a department head to part-time so i could pretty much be a stay-at- home mom. growing up, i always thought that i would have a long career. they never tell you that your priorities/needs may change. growing up, you’re told that success is directly related to how much you earn. but it takes so long to realize that success is really measured by how happy you are at what you do.