A Little Too Much
“The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. To be your own man is a hard business. If you try it, you’ll be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.” – Rudyard Kipling
I have to preface this post by stating that it is inspired by this post by Hope and Healing with Elaine. It’s a lengthy but extremely informative article about introverts and in particular, Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) who are introverts. I read The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D
Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D describes a HSP:
HSP students work differently from others. They pick up on the subtle things, learning better this way than when over-aroused. If an HSP student is not contributing much to a discussion, it does not necessarily mean they do not understand or are too shy. HSPs often process things better in their heads, or they may be over-aroused. This can be the reason for their not contributing. HSPs are usually very conscientious but underperform when being watched. This also applies to work situations; HSPs can be great employees—good with details, thoughtful and loyal, but they do tend to work best when conditions are quiet and calm. Because HSPs perform less well when being watched, they may be overlooked for a promotion. HSPs tend to socialize less with others, often preferring to process experiences quietly by themselves.
There are many in the psychology field who view being highly sensitive as a psychopathological condition that can be treated via various forms of therapy. Both of the Elaines mentioned above and many others view being highly sensitive simply as a normal and innate personality trait that is misunderstood in our extroverted society.
I do not yet know what to think about it. I do know that I answered yes to the majority of the questions on the self-test. I also know that I can become easily overwhelmed or frazzled and that this happens quite frequently in social situations. However, I don’t socialize less with others in general and have had no problems with obtaining promotions and can successfully perform under stressful working conditions.
I’m pretty outgoing and social. At the same time I am more introverted than most people I know appear to be. I like parties. I love concerts, and I mean big loud rock concerts. I find it easy to talk to people and don’t feel anxious in social situations. I’ve even overcome my public speaking phobia. I do prefer smaller parties to larger. I like larger parties better if there are several people to whom I am close are also in attendance. I hate loud, overly crowded bars or events. I tend to hit a wall at larger parties where I’m just completely wiped out, depleted and exhausted, even when I’m not the hostess and have no responsibilities other than to enjoy myself. I become over-stimulated and overwhelmed. I just want to go home to some peace and quiet. This does not seem to happen to most people I know.
After reading Elaine’s post I decided to really pay attention to my behavior and feelings at the large July 4th barbecue my family and I attended today. It was a great party hosted by my brother-in-law. There were lots of people there to whom I feel close, including my hubby and sons. I truly had a good time. It was one of the more enjoyable July 4th parties I’ve been to in recent history. Nonetheless, right around the four hour mark, I hit that wall. I hadn’t had too much to drink. Nothing at all was wrong. I was just done. Hubby noticed. I don’t need his permission to leave a party of course, but I still feel badly about it. He insisted it was fine, I had nothing to feel bad about, and that he knew I wanted to leave so I should just go home. I knew he was right but I felt like a wet blanket. A party-pooper. I’ve felt this way before. He and the boys can go all night. Sometimes I can too. But today four hours was enough for me I guess. And really I’m not raining on anyone’s parade as I did not insist that they leave sooner than they want to and my leaving most certainly did not put an end to the party.
Now that I’m home I still feel guilty about leaving. Conversely, I feel relieved to be home. It’s quiet and I’m alone. I do wish hubby and the boys were here relaxing with me but I don’t mind that they wanted to stay. Had I stayed I would probably have felt increasingly overwhelmed, tired and cranky and then I really would have been a party-pooper.
I still don’t know if I’m a highly sensitive person even though I answered yes to most of the questions on the quiz and do get overwhelmed after a while at large social gatherings. It doesn’t add up though since there are some large social gatherings at which I do not hit that wall. Maybe it just depends on other factors (my overall mood, amount of sleep I had the night before, level of stimulating conversation – something that’s very important to me, weather conditions – it was hot and humid today and even rained briefly, my level of alcohol consumption, etc.). Hell, for all I know hormones could even play a part. I guess it doesn’t really matter as long as hubby and I can strike a happy compromise as we did today. He got to stay and I got to leave. Neither of us is upset about the other’s decision. Maybe I’m just an ambivert with more introverted traits and he is an ambivert with more extroverted traits. As long as we’re both happy it’s ok. I just need to stop feeling guilty about it when I do hit the wall.
I welcome your comments on this subject. Do you feel overwhelmed sometimes (or all the time) at large or small social gatherings? If so, how do you handle it? Does this cause conflict between you and your significant other, friends or family? If so, how do you resolve it? Do you consider yourself to be introverted or highly sensitive? If so, what sorts of problems have you encountered as a result?
Thanks for stopping by!
i don’t know, cyndi, maybe it is as simple as you wanted to go home after 4 hours. i never have the same energy level for social situations all the time. that is just the way it is. sometimes i’m for partying all night, sometimes i want to be in a quiet room all by myself. life are the factors that determine which one.
i don’t want to insult you by saying, “don’t over analyze it” but maybe the natural ebbs and flows of life are just that, ebbs and flows and not something that needs to be labeled and analyzed.
happy 4th friend!
consuella´s last blog ..where the hell am i
Me??! Over-analyze??
It’s entirely possible of course. It’s just something that’s been on my mind of late because hubby almost always wants to stay much later than I do just about everywhere we go. My sister too. It really isn’t one of life’s bigger problems but it seems like I’m “different” so of course, I’m going to try to figure out why.
It was a good 4th, thank you, hope yours was too!
I think you hit on the heart of the issue in your response to Consuelo’s comment. Different. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, because I feel so very different from everyone else and always have. The thing is, now I’m embracing those differences, not judging myself for them. Four hours is a huge amount of social time. This weekend, we had guests at our cabin for two nights. The first day, they all went on a big old hike. I remained by myself at the cabin. It worked out for everyone. If we twist ourselves to make it work for others, we hurt ourselves. And if your hubby is okay with you taking care of your needs, that’s awesome. Mine is, too, and it is such a gift.
Karen
Karen Walker´s last blog ..Monday Musings – Independence Day
Yes, that is the theme of Elaine’s blog…embrace the differences. And that is definitely the heart of the issue for me, feeling different and then assuming that means “wrong”. It helps to write it out and hear from all of you who comment. We are lucky to have such great husbands and blog friends too. Thank you Karen!
Hi Cyndi
Not to harp on a source but children of NSP are always in alert state to peoples thoughts and feelings. They feel responsible for maintaining good thoughts and good feelings at the expense of their own.
To the child it is a life and death necessity to maintain their parents goodwill or they believe they will be abandoned and die. In other words they’ve been given a life and death duty to make other people happy with no real control over the outcome.
I don’t think children of NSPs ever lose this belief and the hyper-vigilance the goes with it. The tiny mommy, daddy and me social circle just grows as you become an adult along with it your believed responsibility to make people happy. Again – out of your control.
Introvert, extrovert, HSP are convenient labels. You are a unique combination of those traits. You like people but have your threshold. If you had a magic dashboard the needles on those gauges would be moving up and down all day long. Four hours of party sometimes just redlines some of your gauges.
If anyone’s day was ruined because Cyndi only stayed four hours whose problem is that!? I think a goodbye circle and warm thanks to the host should be enough.
BTW – When a women uses the word “hormones” most men go into a mild state of shock and will accept anything you say.
Four hours is enough soldier. You’re relieved.
LOL – I’ll have to try the hormone trick sometime, I had no idea!
Yeah, some of this definitely smacks of people pleasing doesn’t it? Feeling guilty about leaving because I may somehow cause someone to be upset. It really is absurd when I think about it that way. My leaving actually affected no one and even if it had, that’s not my problem. Thanks for the much needed reminder Tyler!
Hi Cyndi! Thanks for the pingback! This is all very fascinating to me and I am learning a lot from you. I am one who tends to over-analyze but Oh well Here Goes: Okay. First of all, I thought you were probably an extravert that is also an HSP. So when you said you were an introvert I was surprised but thought Oh you are much like me. But now you have introduced me to this new thing, the ambivert–I have never in my life heard of this word before and looked it up and sure enough it means half introvert and half extravert. I still consider myself an extreme introvert but when we were deciding where to move to 11 years ago, I absolutely had to live near the “action”, I wanted to be near a city but on the outskirts, a private lot but access to lots of fun activities, concerts, places to go dancing, great malls for shopping, universities for intellectual stimulation. We did find this location to have our house built and it has worked out so well for me. The thought of living somewhere in the boonies or more than a half hour from a city was very distressing for me and still is. Yet I need time alone like water every day, to write or analyze the internal perceptions that I am constantly picking up, to recharge from the depletion of the days activities. I have come to understand recently that this may have more to do with being an “empath” than being an introvert. According to John Gray, highly sensitive people absorb the negative energy from other people around us and, no matter how much counseling we get for our feeling bad about ourselves because we don’t realize this is happening, we will just keep on going back out there absorbing negative energy and feeling bad until we understand that this is happening. The most highly sensitive of us are empaths and we feel the feelings of others as if they are our own. This is a wonderful gift but until I understood it and was able to release the negative emotions of others and recharge, it was a very difficult to figure myself out. I agree with what Tyler said about having a narcissistic parent causes you to develop this “radar” because you had to have this radar to survive the no-win situation of a Narcissistic parent. We got “extremely” good at feeling their moods so that we could avoid the pain of their disapproval–like he said, ” a life and death duty” to be a people-pleaser at the expense of our own feelings!
So all this analyzing over the course of my life has helped me to figure out a very complex issue and helped me to have peace of mind and understand myself and others –and mostly be grateful for this gift of high sensitivity and empathic abilities so that I can help others to find their voice and place in the world. (Almost makes me feel grateful for having an N mother–ha ha…almost.) And I think most people out there reading this would agree with me that you, Cyndi, are a highly “empathic” person, and that is what makes your blog so appealing–because of the warmth and compassion that you exude and how kind you are and able to empathize with others!
Learning about “introverts” helped me to not feel GUILTY about my very legitimate needs for time alone and that is why I felt it was an important subject to address-time alone has been such a crucial step to all my self discovery.
Love, Elaine
Elaine´s last blog ..June 30- 2010 The Misjudgment of Introverts and the True Meaning of Introversion
Hi Elaine, I had never heard of an ambivert either until last night, but it does make sense as there are always people at one end or another of any psychological spectrum so there also must be a middle ground. Thanks so much for your kind words Elaine. I definitely do have to closely monitor my empathy so as to not take on others’ emotions as my own. It’s still hard to do, particularly with those to whom I am very close. And here we are back to that damn guilt that’s so pervasive. I agree too that I have to be thankful for all the good an bad as I wouldn’t me who I am today without it all. I couldn’t live in the boonies or a big city either. Although I most certainly could live on the beach (near a city)!
On the beach near a city! Perfect!
Elaine´s last blog ..June 30- 2010 The Misjudgment of Introverts and the True Meaning of Introversion
I think you are wise to tune into what you are feeling and act on what you are feeling. When you hit the wall and went home that was the best thing to do for yourself. You have nothing to feel guilty about. In doing what you did you were being authentic.
I would be careful about adopting any labels. Labels can be very limiting and create a different reality and expectation than would be normal for us. Simply be you and let go of the labels.
That’s true, but I do like to find labels just to help me gauge myself in relation to “normal” and decide if I need to work on anything. Once I get some idea I let them go.
I think you just figured out what your limit is for parties outside of your home. It’s just your comfort level, go with it.
Secondly, I really don’t understand everyone’s huge fear of labels. Yes, they can have negative connotations at times but without the words for stuff how do we know how to deal with it? I just don’t get the anti-label-movement. I think avoiding/fearing labels is a symptom of denial.
Steph´s last blog ..I have WORMS-
My guess is that some believe that if people get stuck on a label they won’t grow/change? I don’t know, I like labels for myself as a jumping off point to understand myself better and figure out what I want to change. For example: I labeled myself codependent. It was absolutely true. If I had never done that I would not have researched it to death, analyzed it or realized what unhealthy behaviors I was engaging in. Without a name (label) I would still have been wandering around in the dark trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me! Now, I’ve let go of that label but can recognize when I am falling into old patterns and need to adjust.
Exactly!
Steph´s last blog ..I have WORMS-
I have to agree with Tyler. My husband was just reading to me an article about the lasting effects of living with narcisstic parents, (or anyone for that matter) and that being over sensitive and on High alert too.
I find I am the exact same way, however I CAN enjoy a nice social, but it’s rare.
most of the time I like quiet, get togethers. I marked almost every one of those topics yes on that quiz….but i know where it came from.
sometimes, if I feel safe, I am very outgoing and even, fun! wowzers.
my therapist, worked with me for years over anxieties that always seemed to pop up at family events. duh.
good for you, for looking at this. it never hurts to take a second look at ourselves if we find we are hitting a snag in life!
xo
Cindy´s last blog ..Traverse City Mini-Skirt
Thank Cindy, and I agree with you and Tyler. We’re always on alert no matter how far along we get in our unraveling of old habits. Family events used to be pure anxiety for me too and still are sometimes. You went no contact with you mother, right? I didn’t, just limited contact.
Just want to clarify that I’m not agin’ labels. They serve a scientific purpose as well as peg on which you can begin to understand yourself as Cyndi has said. The label “narcissist” pretty much altered my entire understanding of my childhood and my relationships. No small thing.
I just heard a hint of introvert=anti-social party pooper in Cyndi’s post. That more the more extroverted Hubby and the boys had something going the she did not.
I believe that successful couples find intimacy where their ranges overlap and usefulness to each other where the ranges don’t. You see it all the time. Even though a couple may be very close one usually pays the bills the other gets invites to parties.
Sorry Tyler. I didn’t mean to make it read like I was directing my comment specifically at you, in fact your comment was sound…..my comment was more of a generalization directed to many comments I’ve seen on Cyndi’s blog and many others where people tend to “freak out” if anyone else hints at something that might be considered a “label”.
I understand there might be a fine line between labels and name calling, but for me….if I don’t have a word for a problem then I just don’t see how I can fix it. You know?
How can it be fixed/addressed if I don’t know what it is? That’s all I meant.
LOL I have plenty of labels on myself!
So, I consider them my push off wall…..so, “Obsesive Compulsive tendencies” popped up in therapy (like I didn’t already know that, lol) now I can think to myself: “Am I being OCD?” and move on from there. I know Cyndi pretty well (she’s my sis) and I know she doesn’t launch into depression with a freaking word being thrown at her, that’s just a starting point for her.
Steph´s last blog ..I have WORMS-
LMAO! In fact….look at Cyndi’s fourth link on the top of her page!
Steph´s last blog ..I have WORMS-
Hi Steph
We agree totally. I was kind of talking over you to some of
the commenters as well.
Yes, the b word. Perfect example of owning it so it don’t own you.
The strange thing is I think I’m actually more outgoing than hubby. He’s all for 10 hour parties with his friends and family but has a more difficult time making conversation with strangers at office parties and things of that nature than I do. He hates small talk and tends to completely clam up when not around people he knows well. Everyone feels more comfortable with people they do know well of course.
And I noticed some of the people you “don’t know” are your closest bloggy friends. Sharing feelings, events and insecurities across the interweb is NOT the sign of an introvert.
Another excellent point!
i’m on high alert in crowds as well, most of the time. i think the only time i’ve ever felt ok was in high school when my best friend & i would hold these huge dance parties. i knew everyone, so i felt safe.
since some traumas have happened, i became less social and found it MUCH harder to be in a large crowd of unknowns. flea markets & that type are sometimes hard for me. i can’t even fathom going to a football game. all those people! stresses me out thinking about it. i, too, like much smaller gatherings, although, on the flip side, i’d rather perform (plays, musicals) on a stage to 100s than to 1 or 2 people who ask me to sing for them. i’m weird. lol.
I love football games and fests, as long as it’s not wall-to-wall crowded. I need at least a little personal space. I can understand why it would be easier to perform for a larger crowd than a smaller one. Two people staring at you while you sing would be awkward.
isn’t it interesting that one of us would feel ok in one set of circumstances, but the other wouldn’t?
It is but we’ve also had very different experiences. I don’t feel un-safe in a large crowd, just uncomfortable and claustrophobic if it’s overly crowded.
You found the perfect solution. Hubby is an introvert like me but for some reason he can NOT tear himself away from any gathering until I’m ready to die. He even did this at our own wedding!! It pisses me off. Like, I’m way ready to go–and I think he’s just worried about hurting someone’s feelings. It would be perfect to just go in two cars and leave when I’m ready.
Les´s last blog ..New Mom Dementia
Extrovert here…usually the first to arrive and the last to leave. DOH!
tammy´s last blog ..The Journey
I absolutely knew that about you! I guess that’s why you’re in sales and I’m in operations, right?
I read the article you posted and have to say I relate to much of what was stated. I love my quiet time alone. Peter took the kids to that same July 4th party and I stayed home, I did some things around the house, watched a movie…he was cool with it, he understands that I need that time. I get cranky when I don’t have that quiet time. I do hit a wall at social situations, as you know the Lopez’ can go all night. I start to feel claustrophobic and need to get out. I see too that Isabel is very much the same, her teachers at school comment about how quiet she is, and does not participate much, they even suggested I have her “tested”. I did , she was above average on everything, they even put her in a gifted writers program. Everyone does not absorb the world around them in the same way. The world, school…want’s everyone to fit in a certain category. I say forget that, embrace who you are. Surround yourself with people that love and accept you, in my life that is a handful, but that’s all I need. xoxo Janina
Janina, I’m happy to hear that at least one other person finds the marathon length parties to be draining sometimes! I always have fun but it seems 4 hours is about my limit no matter how great a time it is. We’re so lucky our husbands understand we need our alone time. It would be even more draining to have to fight for that. I did miss you there and was secretly a little jealous as I approached that wall. That’s awesome that Isabel is in a gifted writer’s program!!! I would love to read something she’s written.