Huh?!
“What’s the point of being alive,” she said, “if you’re not going to communicate?” — Kurt Vonnegut (Bluebeard)
Direct communication. I learned about this very foreign concept when I was in my late 30′s. Of course I’d always thought that I was communicating directly but in hindsight, I rarely did. I was trained from an early age that whatever I had to say was of no importance and that in order to avoid abuse I had to manipulate people and situations. I did that very well for a long time by people pleasing, holding grudges, playing the martyr, mind-reading, projecting and with denial.
Once I learned, and it was a long slow process, that it was actually ok to simply state exactly what was on my mind I was shocked. The sky didn’t fall. The world didn’t end. Nothing happened at all. Well, that’s not accurate. Others reacted to my new form of communication adversely. They didn’t like it at first. They liked the status quo. Turns out, that is a completely normal reaction to a loved one making major changes. Eventually the entire dynamic of several of my relationships changed entirely. Some of the people with whom I had the most conflict at first ended up joining me in learning direct communication. Hubby is one of those people.
It’s amazing how clueless I was to all that I was not communicating. If I thought it I assumed others thought the same. When they behaved in ways that baffled me and/or were hurtful to me I assumed they didn’t care about my feelings or that I had done something wrong. Later, through direct communication I learned that some of them simply did not understand me and also that some of them did not, in fact, care about my feelings.
Some of them are incapable of caring about anyone else’s feelings. As I became more and more comfortable with direct communication I noticed that those people who are not capable of caring about my feelings are master manipulators themselves who almost never communicate directly. I now have no tolerance for manipulation and indirect communication. I stay away from those people whenever I can. When I can’t, I limit my exposure and the topics I discuss with them.
One of the things that used to frustrate me the most about some people in my life was the way they would not answer questions. Whenever someone would dodge a question, completely ignore a question or answer a question with another question I became extremely confused. I used to think that perhaps I had crossed over some line and asked an inappropriate question or somehow otherwise made them uncomfortable. I felt confused a lot of the time and spent countless hours trying to figure out what I had said that caused the awkward situation.
It turns out that it wasn’t me. It was them. And this is now one of the first red flags that go up when I am getting to know someone new. If I ask questions appropriate to the level of intimacy in our relationship and those questions are repeatedly ignored, dodged or answered with anything less than a direct answer, I know I am dealing with someone who is attempting to manipulate me. It doesn’t mean they have some evil plot to hurt me. It can be something as simple as the person not wanting me to view them in a certain way so they start manipulating the conversation to avoid having to disclose something that they believe will make them look bad.
A recent example is a conversation I was having with a friend. She has been talking to me about her marital problems for months. Whenever we get together I hear story after story about her husband and the arguments they have. At first I was sympathetic and just listened and answered questions if she asked. Eventually I started to notice that major details seemed to be left out of many of the instances that she was telling me about. Things didn’t add up or make sense. So, I started asking questions. She would not answer any of them directly. Suddenly her memory was faulty and she sounded like a politician or a criminal defendant. She was pleading the 5th without telling me that’s what she was doing. She wants me to be on her side when we have these conversations. She does not want me to know the whole truth or see her as anything less than the victimized injured party in what is most definitely a two way street.
The funny thing is that I would actually like her much better if she were able to just be real. If she wants to talk to me about her marital problems, that’s fine, but since she is being selective about what she tells me I have no vested interest in actually listening. I wouldn’t care what she’d done to contribute to her marital problems. I would feel closer to her and more interested in her problems if she would just be herself, warts and all. As it is, it just feels like we have a superficial relationship.
It’s unfortunate that people are unable or unwilling to communicate directly. It’s so much easier than the manipulation that many people (my former self included) choose to engage in instead. It separates us and keeps barriers up that prevent us from reaching any real level of intimacy.
“It is always the false that makes you suffer, the false desires and fears, the false values and ideas, the false relationships between people. Abandon the false and you are free of pain; truth makes happy, truth liberates.” — Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
Thanks for stopping by!
As a child of an narcissist you have to extra vigilant to trust your own judgement about what you just heard first, and over anyone else’s. That sounds obvious to anyone who did not suffer this abuse
I believe the source of this is the desperate message we received from an abusive narcissistic parent. To protect their fragile shell they need you to know that “If you ask questions or express natural doubt I will stop loving you.” Any child reads the subtext quickly; “If my mommy and daddy stop loving me I will die. ” So you stop questioning; stop trusting your internal scale.
We never stop being a child of our parents so it’s important be like Socrates. Questions will smoke out a manipulator and charm to true person.
Thanks again Cyndi
-Tyler
Well said Taylor. Questions do smoke them out. It’s true too that we con’t trust our own instincts too. Hell, I didn’t even know I had any instincts until 3 years ago they were buried so deep. But now it seems obvious to me when someone is not communicating directly and it’s a minor annoyance but not the gut-wrenching analysis of what I must have said or done wrong.
I know. Good therapy doesn’t produce smooth sailing ahead, it teaches you how to handle the storms.
great post! you know i had to learn how to communicate directly too. shocked aren’t you? it was hard and still is sometimes. not only do i come from a home where manipulation and passive aggressiveness ruled the day but i’m from the south and from a conservative religious background. direct communication goes against the grain in all of the above!
i know hubby prefers the new “direct” me. he doesn’t have to guess anymore, read between the lines etc. it is hard but better.
thanks for another great post!
consuella´s last blog ..where the hell am i
Yes, I am shocked!!
Thanks Consuella.
I love direct communication and get frustrated when people are not direct. I used to be with someone who when hungry would say something like “I am hungry” or “I could sure use a snack” which to her meant would you please fix me something to eat. I much prefer if someone asks directly for what they want.
Sounds like your friend is not direct in her communication because she does not want to take ownership of her marriage.
Very good post, thanks for sharing.
Mark´s last blog ..What Channel Are You Tuning Into
Yes, this type of communication is so annoying. We aren’t mind readers. I used to try but it didn’t work out so well for me. I agree my friend doesn’t want to take ownership of her marriage. Thanks Mark.
Reading this, I was like ‘No way. You mean I’m not the only one who had to learn this?!’ I have no excuse for having been this person. I have a husband who loves me, grew up in a large loving family, and yet I have been very guilty of (unconsciously) expecting my loved ones to be mind readers. The other thing I do is read stuff into a situation.
Actually, this happened very recently. A friend of mine had told me they’d read my blog and enjoyed it and yet never re-tweeted my stuff. (OK, yes, apologies, I know this is terribly trivial but it was like the end of the world at the time!) In my head, because I saw them re-tweeting loads of other peoples stuff, I assumed they didn’t like what I had written. It had been bothering me for a while so eventually I asked them about it. I said that I was hurt because they clearly didn’t think my stuff was good enough or worthy of recommending to their friends. To which they asked, when have I ever said that?
And of course, they never had said that. It was just me adding two and two to make seven.
What scares me though is that even though I thought I was done with this rubbish way of communicating, I clearly still have a lot to learn!
Thank you for making me think,
El
Eleanor Edwards´s last blog ..Perspective It all depends on where you’re standing
Hi Eleanor, thanks for your comment. Old patterns are hard to break, even when we think we’re well past them. I know I still have a lot to learn about a lot of things. I still struggle with direct communication, particularly when it’s a touchy or difficult subject.