Lost Again
“Once you lose yourself, you have two choices: find the person you used to be, or lose that person completely.” — H.G. Wells
I had this post all planned out, well, for the most part anyway. And then I found this quote by this author who I adore. Who I even harbored a crush on when in my adolescence I first saw old footage of him when he was young. This quote made me stop and think and this post may go in a completely different direction because of it. A more positive direction.
When I started this blog I was new at exploring all the different roles I fill in life, setting boundaries and trying new things. I was like an eager student after reading her first great work of literature. I felt empowered, strong, adventurous and great about myself.
It didn’t stick. I’ve written a lot lately about guilt, perfectionism and beating myself up excessively and without restraint. I’ve noticed too that I’ve fallen back into some of my old people pleasing patterns. I’m sure part of it is grief over losing my friend but I believe there is more to it than that.
I’m considering the possibility that it’s easy for me to see myself and be myself, free of people pleasing behaviors when I am not part of a couple. I don’t want out, hubby and I are doing just fine. In fact, I feel closer to him than ever before in our 22 year history together. It’s me. It seems that at some point after we reunited after our 5 month separation I slowly began to lose myself again. It’s as if I allow myself to become swallowed up in the “we” and forget me. Luckily this time around the “we” is working well. He’s the first one to point out when I am trying to people please or when I need time to myself. I started to write about how I need to get back to that person I used to be. But this quote….what if it’s ok that I’m not who I used to be? Again. I was a different person in 2008 than I was from 1997-2007. Why not another different person this year? What if that’s the whole point of this current identity crisis.
It has also been suggested to me by someone I trust that the possibility exists that I don’t like myself. At first that didn’t ring true but then she gave an example. She knows a man who doesn’t like his son. They are wired differently and butt heads over everything. I’m guessing the father wants the son to be a certain way and the son is not that way and so the father doesn’t like him. It’s a sad story. The father is hard on his son, figuratively beating him up all the time. When this was suggested to me I was both the father and the son in the example. The idea being that I don’t like myself so I beat myself up in some self-destructive effort to get me to be who I want to be.
It sounds strange. Maybe too much psycho-babble for most. But the more I consider this possibility the more it starts to make sense. I want to feel like I felt in 2008 but I don’t. So I beat myself up for it. But what if what I really need is to be someone different entirely. Some new version of me. Yes, I do still need to find myself again but what I find may not be what I expected. It’s mind blowing.
In fact, I’m not happy with how long it’s taking for me to complete my psych degree. I’ve always joked that I’ll be 72 before I get to treat patients but I’m starting to actually believe that lately. I’ve been reading a bit about Life Coaching and know my friend Dawn has nothing but wonderful things to say about her Life Coach. I have begun to wonder if this could be one way to work in a field similar to my chosen field of psychology while continuing to pursue my degree. No, I won’t be analyzing anyone’s past or diagnosing anyone with anything but I would be helping people. Maybe even helping them to find themselves. Maybe helping them like themselves. I know very little about it so have some feelers out and am at the information gathering stage right now. But thinking about doing it feels good. Maybe I’m onto something.
My mother’s day weekend trip is less than two months away. I can’t wait. I feel a strong need to go this year that I did not feel last year. I think reconnecting with my beloved ocean, relaxing, alone with my thoughts, away from my daily routine may help me find myself again. Another thing I’m feeling that I didn’t feel last year or the year before is fear. That’s one of the things that I’m not liking about myself right now and the most compelling reason for me to go. I know there is nothing to fear but I’m feeling so weirdly vulnerable that traveling alone is evoking some fear, along with the joyful anticipation of going to my happy place.
Right this moment I hear a bunch of boys, my sons included, playing in the backyard. This makes me smile. These sounds are priceless and will be gone in the blink of an eye. I so love my role as their mom. I love their roles as kids who get to play until it’s dark out. This mom-thing is amazing and probably the only role that has kept me somewhat grounded and remotely close to sanity during the past 3 years. But I can’t lose myself in that role again either. It’s not good for me or them. But they teach me things too. Like I want to play more.
Thanks for stopping by!
I have but two quotes for you in response. (I know you are a quote monger too!)
All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself. ~Ralph Ellison
It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. ~e.e. cummings
I know we will love who you discover you are.
I love these quotes and of course you knew I would. I especially like the first one…I can only find the answers within myself. That much I know. Thank you Paula!
you are asking some excellent questions! man this is a great post. i mean i have never been there, asked the same things at all…ok that is a lie. i ask myself questions like this everyday. but that doesn’t surprise you now does it?
i think we are constantly in the process of becoming ourselves. these past few years you have made incredible strides, leaps and bounds some would say. the thing is, you aren’t done. some of those things, those nasty dysfunctions are really rooted deep. they take years to pull out completely. it could take a different circumstance to really get to the bottom of it. you aren’t regressing. you AREN’T. you are moving forward. you are going to deeper and deeper places. as you go, you shed those parts that aren’t really you, or not you fully. some of us have lived with false selves for so long that we don’t even recognize them. and those false selves may have much of our real self in them. the work comes in trying to separate the real from the false.
i’m rambling i know. i just want to encourage you. you are becoming. some of who you thought you were is changing. that is ok. don’t fear that we won’t like the new you. we do. we are as excited about this process as you are. hang in there. keep asking the hard questions and embrace the truth.
consuella´s last blog ..same place, different woman
I kind of had an idea that you might relate.
Thanks for your encouragement! It’s true, I know it’s all a process and I do take steps backwards sometimes.
Hey there Cyndi. Thanks for sharing this deeply intimate look into you. You know I’ve been where you are, so I completely get it. I don’t know if you’ve done this before, but one of the things that helped me when I was deep into self-hatred, was trying to separate out the voices in my head and what they were saying. When i was done, I recognized much of my self-hatred was stemming from messages I’d received about myself from others as well as assumptions I’d made about myself as a result of those interactions. And of course, the assumptions weren’t true. Who you already are is wonderful.
Karen
Karen Walker´s last blog ..Telling the Truth Tuesday – Indulgence Days
I know you do get it, and thanks Karen. Yes, it’s those f-ing messages.
i just rt: that quote @you. LOVE IT. so true. sometimes, like today, i don’t even feel the need to write a post on my blog b/c you’ve already written about the subject better than i ever could.
Thank you! Great minds think alike.
I have had a similar thought about the fact that I lose myself when I’m part of a couple.
When I was 19, my mother died and I moved home to live with my two brothers (both close to my age) and my dad. I worked full time, paid 75% of the bills, went to school full time, and was the only one of the four of us that cleaned the house. I was frustrated but I had such deep admiration for my dad and my brothers, that I was willing to sacrifice me. I wanted to be what they wanted me to be. I wanted to be the one that held everything together so that they could go find themselves. Fortunately I realized that I was becoming an oddly feminine version of them. I’m that kind of person. A cameleon.
The best thing was to get away (and I joined the military) so that I could become a stronger person. Someone who knew who she was and wasn’t trying to be anything but true to that. I wish I could tell you that that transformation happened quickly. However, I’m now 29 and still struggle with this.
It is much easier for me to be myself when my husband is not around. In fact, I think about we and he much more than I think about me. Just a few days ago, I decided that I NEED to do something about this. And I don’t want to leave my husband either. But I need to be me and feel connected to that in a way that us living together just doesn’t accomodate.
Despite being an intelligent and insightful person, I can’t get this right. I want to beat myself up. I want to give myself a kick in the ass so that maybe I won’t let myself fall into this damn pattern of behavior. And maybe I am in ways I’m not aware of yet.
I’m not posting because I feel like I have the answer. Your post just hit a nerve. I stumbled on your blog for the first time tonight. So it was interesting to read this at a time when I was feeling something similar. I’ll have to read more…
I’m glad you stumbled across my blog, welcome and thank you for your comments! It is always good to hear from people traveling the same path. If it makes you feel an better, I’m 40 so you are realizing what you need to do for yourself much earlier than I and good for you!
The sorting it out process is mind blowing. It feels like we’ve been passing notes back and forth in school for a while. All these questions that call for an answer have a process so unique to all of us, yet still the same importance to all who come here. Thank goodness you write engaging words for my heart.
You are such a part of my song.
Dawn´s last blog ..Deep Gratitude for Inspiring Women
It does feel like note passing.
Hi Cyndi,
There is no right way, only your way. The process called life can be confusing, is often tough but each moment usually contains the next step forward when we permit ourselves to see it. Good luck with your adventure.
Brian.
So true Brian, thank you!
Don’t change too much, Cyndi. I think most of us like who you are–but I believe we should all strive to be the best version of ourselves!
Keep following the course that seems right for you. You are already helping people. If the school thing is frustrating you, you would be a great life coach. But just keep moving in the direction you feel is right, keep your mind and heart open, and you will find what you are meant to do.
Thanks Les, it’s always a pleasant surprise to hear from you during tax season!