Panic ATTACKS!
“Too many shadows in my room / Too many hours in this midnight / Too many corners in my mind / So much to do to set my heart right” – In Repair by John Mayer
I’m not talking about actual panic attacks. I’ve come close to having one of those a couple of times and it’s a horrible feeling. But it’s been quite some time since I’ve felt that level of anxiety. I guess you could say that’s progress, right? RIGHT?!
My overall level of anxiety has been high ever since before Thanksgiving when Gina’s health started to deteriorate. In late December I took a risk by changing jobs. I realize that under usual circumstances changing jobs is not a huge risk but in this economy and in the mortgage industry…it was a risk. Then, just a few weeks later I started my dreaded statistics class.
There are certainly worse things that could have happened (besides Gina’s death of course). I think the combo of adjusting to my friend’s death, a very different type of job and a class that I not only hate, but is extremely difficult for me to grasp, was a bit much for me.
I still haven’t adjusted to Gina’s death. Yesterday her sister mentioned on Facebook that she could really use some advice from her sister. I could only respond, “me too”. I am reminded of her absence several times daily. I miss everything about her and our friendship. I still haven’t even stopped thinking from time to time that I have to call her and tell her about something that I know she would laugh about. I try to keep it in perspective. I mean if I feel this way I can’t imagine how her family, particularly her daughters feel. Then I feel guilty for missing her.
The job has been an adjustment just because the way things are set up is like nowhere else I have ever worked. I work from home now. The problem is not working from home. That I love. There was just a scary period there where I wasn’t sure it was going to work out and I wasn’t making as much money as I anticipated. Then I felt guilty for not making enough money. Luckily, the work situation is now going even better than expected. I kept telling myself that it was just growing pains but that did nothing to help my level of anxiety.
Stats. Sucks. I hate it. I don’t fully understand it. At this point I’ll be happy if I’m passing. We had our first test yesterday. I was even more anxious than usual over that test all day. Then I felt guilty for not being good enough at stats.
Are you seeing the pattern here? When I feel guilt I become anxious. And I feel guilty about almost everything. I know I’m not perfect and that no one expects me to be (except maybe myself). I know that perfectionism, worrying and anxiety don’t help any situation. I know that I’ve even written similar blog posts on this subject. Actually, now I’m starting to feel guilty about being repetitive and boring you to death.
This guilt thing is nonsense. I have to knock it off. I have to let myself off the hook. It’s causing me unnecessary turmoil. It’s not working for me at all, it never has and it never will. Beer helps but then I feel guilty for drinking too much. It’s too bad I can’t have the guilt/anxiety parts of my brain removed. I’d feel no emotional turmoil but without any guilt I’d become a criminal and end up in prison and I’m told they don’t serve beer there.
Thanks for stopping by!
Go directly to the bath tub, fill it up, stick your head in and scream at the top of your lungs. No! I’m not kidding.
I love you man!
With my luck I’d suck up half the bath water through my nose.
Maybe I will try screaming into a pillow. What I really want is a vacation….NOW!
I love you too!
I was just thinking about this earlier today, coincedentally! About the whole guilt, anxious, guilt, anxious cycle. I suffer too!
Christina´s last blog ..Mexican Shredded Pork in the Slow Cooker
So nice to hear it’s not just me (although I’m sorry to hear you do this to yourself too)!
I’m new to this blog thing, but wanted to tell you that your post really resonated with me. Thanks for sharing.
did i hear the word vacation?
sorry got distracted for a moment. guilt sucks. it bites. it bleeds. it brings me to my knees. wait, that reminds me of a song….
you know what i’m going to say….put down the damn whip!
miss gina. you should and you will for the rest of your life. nothing to feel guilty about.
hate statistics. you should. its stupid. you don’t have to be good at math to be good.
enjoy your job. what is enough money? are you clothed? roof over your head?
one doesn’t control life they embrace it.
now i feel guilty for being so harsh with you. (wink and hugs) now if you don’t like my comment, see comment one above.
LOL – I do like your comment. Not harsh…..just honest. My favorite kind. And I love that song.
i’ll be happy to do my rendition of that song when we meet.
consuella´s last blog ..entering well
Cyndi, death and job change are two of the top stressers in our lives and you had them both going on at the same time. Add going back to school into the mix, and you have the potential for a chemical explosion. Please, please, please, be gentle with yourself. Don’t take just one bath, take one every night. Do whatever you know to do to de-stress. Missing Gina will not go away. My close friend died years ago and I still have moments when I forget she’s gone and go to call her. But it does get easier, with time.
Blessings,
Karen
Karen Walker´s last blog ..The end is near
Thank you so much Karen, for even taking time to read this with all that you’re dealing with now. I hope you are taking your own good advice during this difficult time. {{HUGS}}
Cyndi-Minor suggestion-but have you considered getting a tutor for a session or two in Stats? I am not sure if you are taking class online or in person, but all campuses have free peer tutoring. Better yet, most high schools offer AP Stats, so there is probably a retired high school teacher that you could contact through the math department at your local HS(they keep the tutor list). For $50-$75, someone could take a look at what is resonating and what is not with your absorption of this dreaded topic and give you the confidence you deserve! Good luck!!
Hi Tamryn…..you and I have never met or anything, but I don’t think Cyndi is really interested in actually understanding stats. LOL
Cyn- Is there a way your freaking web site can recognize me? This nonsense of having to fill out my info every time I comment is getting old!
(You know I’m just a lazy ass!)
Steph´s last blog ..One of My Favorite Gifts
If you’re logged into wordpress your info should auto-populate.
Tamryn – yes I have considered it and honestly, tutoring is available to me for free but during hours that I am working. I do have access to a free help-line after hours and have used that. Steph, who commented after you, is my sister and knows me all too well. I secretly want to miraculously pass this horrible class without spending any more time on it than I already do. I realize this is a seriously immature and irresponsible attitude for an allegedly grown woman to have and if I find myself struggling any more than I currently am I will be forced to do exactly what you’ve suggested.
Another friend of mine wrote a post about guilt this week. What’s up with that?? Why are we, as women, and especially as mothers, even more prone to guilt?? I wish I had all the answers, but sadly…I do not:) Hang in there, chica!
Jess´s last blog ..22: Wordless Wednesday- I Miss My Hair…Just Sayin’.
Excellent questions…why the hell do we beat ourselves up over every little thing?!! Thanks Jess!
What works for me? Drugs. (The legal kind, of course).
Hopefully, you’re taking stats as a pass/fail class. Just hang in there a little longer and hopefully you’ll never have to deal with it again!
Perfectionists are always hardest on themselves. I’ll bet if you could see yourself through anyone else’s eyes, you would be looking at yourself as a super competent overachiever!
Drugs are good. No, I’m not taking pass/fail. It’s true that I see myself much differently than others see me and I’m still baffled by that….especially since I’ve been blogging about just how f-ed up I really am!
Guilt is an everyday battle for me lately. Some days I feel guilty for just “being” because of my childhood. You are doing so much more than I was able to when my kids were growing. You are an amazing person, Cyndi. You have so much compassion and sensitivity yet you are involved in so much. If I would have worked in addition to raising kids I would have gotten adrenal fatigue much sooner than I did. It’s a cumulative thing–I was always pushing myself farther than I had energy for–never resting, never relaxing, never recharging. Being a highly sensitive person (HSP), I had to finally learn that I am sensitive for a reason. I can’t do everything everyone else does–and the migraines and overwhelmed days stopped. Just stopping the cycle of abuse in your family is enough. Just making your home a “soft place to fall” for your kids and hubby is a lot! You are already succeeding at doing those things! All the other stuff you are doing is icing on the cake and seems to me you are succeeding at those things too. And you always make time to comment on other people’s blogs!
How do you do it all! You are too hard on yourself–daughter’s of NMs always are. Nothing we ever did was good enough. Your presence here on the planet is enough. I am grateful for your compassionate expression of words. That’s enough for me. You are special just as you are. Elaine
Elaine´s last blog ..Feb. 20, 2010 Moving on from a Narcissistic Parent–A Former Obedient Child’s Fight For Freedom
Wow, thank you Elaine. I’m sorry to hear about your medical issues. A soft place to fall…. I like that, and it is fitting. As far as all that I do…I’m the classic firstborn overachiever who generally thinks I’m not doing enough. I’ve gotten better, much better, about taking care of myself but there are still many days when hubby tells me to just SIT DOWN for a little while. Everything is a process…right?