One Night In July
“There is a fine line between love and illusion/A fine place to penetrate/ The gap between actor and act/ The lens between wishes and fact” - Rush
~ Between Sun And Moon
We had been friends for years. Our kids were friends. Our husbands were friends. We all spent several nights per week together in one combination or another. All of us hung out at their house at least one night almost every weekend. We went on couples’ dates together. We went on family outings together. We attended concerts, went out to dinner, had parties and barbecues…all together. They were our best friends. They were there for us when we were having marital problems and neither took sides. They were like family.
That all changed one night in July. Turns out there was a big secret lurking in their home that they hid quite well from us, despite all the time we spent over there or how close we thought we were. We knew they were having some marital problems. We knew their teenage son was having some emotional problems. We had no idea, or looking back it’s more honest to say that we had some idea, but we really didn’t know or want to know the whole truth.
My friend called and asked if I’d watch the kids. She was hysterical. Of course I said yes. It seems their marital problems were much more serious than we knew. He was threatening to leave and take all of their money. She was panicked, had some errands to run, and wanted to leave the kids with us for a few hours.
She returned several hours later and that is when the full truth came out. He was in the middle of a full-blown narcissistic rage that would only continue to get worse as the night went on. He made many threats against her, her car, our home, their home and himself. He would hang up on her for refusing to come home and then immediately call back to scream horrendous insults and threats at her. She and the kids were panicked. My kids were panicked.
At one point she was on the phone with the police and kept putting them on hold to answer his calls because she was afraid to not answer him even while on the phone with the police. The whole truth was displayed for us with all the gory details that included years and years of emotional, verbal and physical abuse against my friend and her teenage son. She tried not to let us hear but he was screaming so loudly that even at the lowest volume we could hear him clear as a bell from the next room. She finally became so terrorized that she actually believed he would come to our house and asked if we could go to my sister’s to spend the night there instead.
Of course my sister opened up her home to all of us. We stayed up until 3am talking and just sitting with her and her kids. The whole time the insane phone calls never ceased. He called his wife and mother of his children names I have never considered calling my worst enemy. He threatened suicide. He threatened to burn down the house. He threatened to bash in her car. I heard him say that she had unleashed a monster that she will never be able to escape from. He tried every form of aggression he could think of to get her to come home but she was too scared. She finally turned her phone off and we all slept on the floor in the living room of my sister’s small home.
Of course he never did any of the horrible things he threatened to do the night before. In the morning, sober and more in control, he apologized….sort of. She went home. With her kids. Alone. We offered to go with her. The night before she had said she would be taking the police with her to pick up clothes for herself and the kids. In the morning, when he was calm, that all changed and they went home.
My sister and I were terrified of what they were going home to. What he would do once he got them back into their house all alone. When I spoke to my friend later that day she said that they had talked and everything was fine. I imagined him standing over her shoulder or even on another phone listening. I was traumatized and shaky for two weeks afterwards. We had re-lived any given night from our own childhood and were helpless to stop it even though we are adults now.
I have not talked to her since. Her kids have not spoken to mine since that night either. I knew I could never be friends with a known child abuser but I naively thought that she and I could maintain our friendship and that our kids would not lose their friends. I was wrong. I tried for months to get together for dinner or drinks but there was always an excuse.
She and I did have an e-mail correspondence in which she mentioned that she hopes her son is happy and that she has done everything she could to make his life perfect and prepare him for adulthood. That story may still fly with the ladies at school or in the neighborhood but she knows that I know the truth. I couldn’t just go along with the delusion so I reminded her that her son is depressed and about as far from happy as he can be because of his abusive father. She didn’t come out and say why she has cut us out of her life but I can only guess that they need us out of their lives because we know the truth. His image is blown.
I had suspected he was a narcissist. There were many clues. He always had to be in control. Once he even took the wheel when hubby was driving us somewhere because he thought he was about to hit a parked car (he wasn’t). His constant efforts to convince everyone of his perfect image and the perfect home and all the things he needed to make it a perfect home. He was obsessed with appearances including, but not limited to, a perfectly landscaped and manicured lawn. He bragged constantly about his latest frivolous purchases that no one else cared about and had to have the top of the line everything. He always had to be right. I also noticed tell-tale signs in the ways they interacted. When his glass was empty, she jumped to refill it. At parties they hosted she spent the whole time keeping everything immaculate instead of enjoying the party. I could go on and on. I chose to ignore it because we enjoyed their company and because I figured their marriage was their own business.
One night in July changed everything and yet it changed nothing. We lost our best friends but that was really only an illusion anyway, wasn’t it? For all I know we are just one couple in a long line who have been cut off when he has slipped and exposed his true nature. Nothing changed for my friend and her son. I hope they are ok. I hope she gets the courage to take care of herself and her kids. I hope she believes that I will be here for her if she does.
Thanks for stopping by.
Ugh, this post makes me feel so sick to my stomach. I also feel sorry for your friend and her son and hope they’re ok. I HATE when ppl get other’s involved in their drama for their safety and then go back – it seems almost like a slap in the face. I was just telling Johnny I have no idea how Dr. Drew does his job w/ addicts b/c 80% go back. I also feel the same exact way for those who work w/ abused women. How do they counsel them and help them day in and day out and then watch over and over as they all stupidly return?! It’s such weakness that I will never fully understand and when a child is involved, such as this case, it makes me have a weird reaction of nausea and trembles. It’s so unfair and seems almost biologically WRONG that a woman would return to that w/ her child.
Christina´s last blog ..Revisit: Taco Pie
I do understand how women end up with an abuser, it’s usually a slow process starting off with manipulation long before it escalates to this level. By then they are so beaten down, confused and have so little self-esteem that it’s a difficult hole to dig out of. However, no matter how much I study, read about or understand the psychological explanations, I can’t seem to wrap my brain around sacrificing your own children under any circumstances.
this story makes me feel sorrow on so many levels. everyone in this story is so broken. a man who is so broken he breaks others. a woman who is so broken that she allows it. a son who is so broken by no choice of his own. and even you, a broken friendship. i often wonder what it will take for a person to wake up and see the reality of their situation. when will it be enough? when will they wake up and say, “i want to be whole.” how does that happen? can we help it happen?
consuella´s last blog ..lazyassitis
I don’t know when or if my friend will wake up. For me, I believe it would have been the very first time my son was abused. Apparently that is not the case for her. I have thought about them and their situation and how I can help more than I should. I finally came to the conclusion that the only thing I can do is let them know I am available if/when they need me for anything and challenge the delusions when they are presented to me. Both kids have my cell phone number as well as our home number, as does my friend. I haven’t heard from any of them other than the e-mails I mentioned with my friend, in which she was clearly back in denial.
Married to a narcissist myself, there was a time that I was working on a publication that had to do with premarital education. The editor I worked with was very intuitive of things that were happening in my home. I fired her.
I was unable to process things at the speed they were happening. Also, I felt I could control them without things in my life completely falling apart. They DID fall apart, in such a way I could not deny that this hot mess could not go on. We all have our ways of waking up.
I’m glad that she trusted you enough to allow you to be a part of this nightmare. On some level, she knows she is bidding time. And if she doesn’t, she has succumbed herself and her children to be lost forever in that nightmare.
We can only reach out with love with those who are over-powered by fear. And we really must wait until they reach out for our hand. They seldom do if they don’t trust you. This speaks volumes about you and your willingness to be there in such a volatile time. Most people close their door.
Beautiful post Cyndi. This subject needs shouted from the rooftops!
Dawn´s last blog ..One Thousand Words
Thanks Dawn. Your story of firing your editor actually makes me feel a bit better about my current role (or lack thereof) in this friendship. I know that my friend is simply too wrapped up in her own nightmare to be a good friend to me but it still stings. She too feels she can keep all the balls in the air and control the situation. I honestly thought that night was THE night, when she woke up. I am happy that she trusted us too and I hope in some way we helped her son.
Such a heart breaking story.
this makes me sick too, especially after what i dealt with on monday night. that behavior has kept me up the past 2 nights and it makes me sick that i even put myself in that position.
hugs.
I’m not kidding when I say that has to be the worst first date on record. But remember, you did realize what he was. You recognized all the signs long before you became embroiled in some long complicated abusive relationship with a crazy person. That, my friend, is huge progress!
I’m sorry your lost your friend(s), but most of all, I feel horrible for that child. I hope he can rise above his father’s actions, and not repeat the cycle in his own adulthood.
I’m sorry to hear that your husband has behaved like this. It is ugly. Feel free to write about it here if you like.
I know, I feel so awful for her son. He is a sweet, smart, affectionate boy and his soul is being squashed by his own father. It’s so familiar to me that I can’t shake it. I know how he feels and I am unable to do anything about it.
It’s so hard to watch someone go back into a narcissistic relationship. I snagged a relative out of a situation, but she was back in three days, saying it was all OK and he’d changed. I still expect to get a call informing me of her murder.
Thank you. I’m glad more of us are writing about this topic so it doesn’t hide in the shadows anymore.
Lori Hoeck´s last blog ..Dark side of narcissism abuses mind and body
And thank YOU for your amazing and FREE e-book on the subject! The Narcissist: A User’s Guide
Abuse is an amazing cycle and one that can be difficult to find an escape from. All you can do now is be there and keep your door open for her. She must make the decisions she must make on her own.
Mark´s last blog ..The Uncertanity Of the Future – Is it Right to Bring Another Child Into This World?
So glad you shared this. Seems to me she is too ashamed to be friends again because you know the truth–but also, unconsiously, she is more comfortable in an abusive situation than in starting over on her own and in the nurturing, safe situation that your friendship provided. She’ll never forget it though and it may take a while for her to get strong enough to leave. She’ll always remember how she was strong that night and safe and you were there for her though and she’ll get stronger little by little until she feels strong enough to live without him. You did a wonderful thing for her and she has that memory that you were there for her and you felt her worthy of your attention and protection. This makes sense to me that it will take her some time to feel like she can stand on her own two feet without him . Let’s hope it is soon. Elaine
I hope you’re right and that it’s soon.
I was riveted the whole post. I thought back through our friendships and some of the strange things that has happened through the years and have had to wonder… could this have been a reason some of our friends that we thought we knew just seemed to vanish after “getting too close” ?? I just can’t imagine the terror that woman lives with even now. I sure hope with today’s technology she was able to find you and read this post ~ Gosh, and not to mention that you probably need a hug too! I think this post is so valuable for people to read, if nothing else to keep marital abuse in the forefront because after all, sometimes you just don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.