Paralyzed
“Anxiety is love’s greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.” — Anaïs Nin
As I do with most of my quotes I came across this one by accident. Just searching for a quote to match what I want to say almost always leads me to at least one that jumps out at me. This is one of those quotes. It explains in three sentences my own fear of how others, my husband in particular, view me when I’m feeling particularly anxious. I so do not want to be the life-sucking drain on him that this quote describes.
Yesterday I felt overwhelmed. When I feel this way I can, and did, go to the dark side. I had too much on my mind, partly mundane tasks that needed to be completed and partly unnecessary, unproductive worry over things I know I have no control over. I’ve gotten better at recognizing when I’m doing this to myself and talking myself back from the edge. Yesterday that didn’t happen.
When I reach that brick wall where I feel completely overwhelmed and my mind is racing with 100 different thoughts at once I become paralyzed. I feel overwhelmed with it all and don’t know where to start so I don’t. I shut down. I procrastinate, avoid and attempt to escape. These methods do not solve anything and in fact, make the situation worse.
I’m not even talking about any major tragedies here. This happens within the confines of what can only be considered regular everyday life. Nothing extraordinary happened yesterday. I’m not even certain how I came to reach the level of paralysis I felt.
Hubby and the kids were all home due to the holiday so my normal routine was disrupted. I had some work to do. Laundry and housecleaning needed to be done. I had homework to do. Hubby needed to drop his car off for a few hours for routine maintenance and needed a ride there and back. Then there was the worry. My mother had some routine lab work come back with some abnormalities that require further testing and the possibilities there range from easily fixable to absolutely devastating. We have to wait and see. I have a hectic day today and was already worried about getting my work done. Then there were several discussions with hubby about home improvement projects that had my head spinning trying to decide which of them were priorities and which of them were easily affordable. That all led to worry over my future earnings, my mother’s health, on and on and on. Once I get going, if left unchecked, I can end up worrying about things that could go wrong 20 years from now.
Once paralyzed I feel shame. These are all normal everyday things. Others seem to handle them all just fine and here I am practically panicking over them. I then beat myself up for being such an utter failure and overall mess. It’s difficult to dig out from. And it’s all in my own head.
In reality, the things I have no control over and/or are unknown are not worth worrying about as worrying solves nothing. I will know when I know. The tasks that need to be completed will get done if I just chill out and do them one at a time. Hubby helped tremendously by listening and by taking on some of the tasks. Why didn’t I just ask him in the first place? I know by now that asking for help is not a sign of weakness but sometimes I forget. I also don’t want to burden him with all that is going on in my head. I don’t want to be that drowning person.
Today I am more rational. I realize I am not sucking the life out of my husband when I talk to him about things that are bothering me or ask for help. We are here for each other, that’s one of the good things about being married. I can also put things into better perspective. There are certainly worse things that could be going on. Like anything else in life, it’s how I think about things that determine how I feel about them. I wonder how long it will be before I stop forgetting that lesson.
Thanks for stopping by!
yep, i know this won’t surprise you but i totally understand! for my job i had to take the birkman and big section of that test talks about how you deal with stress. apparently i get overwhelmed to the point of becoming immobile. i get bitchy. i can’t make decisions and all i want to do is lay on the couch. like you, i have to talk to hubbie. he is great for helping me see what has to be done and what can wait. once i can put some things off and feel good about it, then i can get my ass off the couch and do something.
what is hard is when you are stressed about things you can’t control. your mom. that is tough. that does take mental energy. i pray that you wouldn’t worry about things that haven’t happened yet. hard i know.
and if all else fails, do what i do. go to bed. usually things are better the next day!
consuella´s last blog ..star wars and mommyhood
Yeah, I forgot to mention the irritable (bitchy) thing…
And you are so right, things are better the next day.
Thanks Consuella!
Wow, Cyndi, I think I’ve finally met someone that is as hard on herself as I am on me. Glad you have a better perspective on things today. But when my normal routine is disrupted as yours was yesterday, I get discombobulated too. And I find it difficult to ask for help, but I’m learning that the consequences of not asking are way worse than the discomfort of asking.
The one thing you mentioned that wasn’t routine was your mother’s lab results. That could throw everything else out of kilter just by itself. Take care, cyndi.
Karen
Karen Walker´s last blog ..Telling the Truth Tuesday – down for the count
Ha! Yes, beating myself up is an art at which I do excel. Thank you Karen!
Hi Cyndi. I really like reading your blog. I first found you by googling narcissistic mothers. That article you wrote described my mother so well it really helped me to take a stand that I’d been wanting and needing to take for a long time. Your article also helped me get the idea to start my own blog and well, with the help of my college age son over the holidays, I did it! I relate to so many of the articles you write–Stats would be the first class I would have to take to getting my MSW and well getting overwhelmed and beating myself up is the story of my life. I put everyone else first when raising my kids and I think writing a blog back then would have helped me a lot–but better late than never. See you are helping people already on your way to your degree and that’s what I want to do too. Thank you so much for your blog. I’ve had you on my Favorites for a while but now I’m adding you to my blogroll. I hope you can please stop by my blog–it is http://www.hopehealing.wordpress.com. Thanks again, Elaine
Thank you so much for your comments. Half the time I don’t know if I’m nuts revealing all these details. I’m also always torn when people get here by searching for topics about narcissists. On the one hand, I’m sorry that you have one in your life. On the other hand, hearing that reading my posts has helped in any way is, of course, good to hear. And hearing that I’m not alone is helpful to me. I hope you enjoy blogging as much as I do….on my way over now.
Howdy and thanks for the visit!
I so totally get this and you. All my life, I’ve been the ‘fix it’ person for the rest of the family. I often joke (though, more true than humor) that I ‘raised’ my mother. We get along great now but I still get anxious often because we think so differently and sometimes see the little things so differently.
Example: Her way of fixing a situation always ends up making it three times the job….
God love her though, and I love her dearly.
The anxiety. It finally hit me a few years back like a ton of bricks; only so hard that I experience chest tightness, numbness and dizziness to the point of passing out. I spoke with my Dad (who instructed Hubby to take me to the ER) and apparently we have a chemical thing. And, the older we get the worse it gets; fight or flight. Those chemicals can really whip anxiety into quite a monster.
It is so great that you can talk to your husband about it and try and talk yourself back down and out of it. It is true, if we count our blessings it helps; and, sure, there are people with worse problems. But, this urgency to be perfectionists and super-moms is part of what drives us to it. We don’t want to admit that we ‘need help’ and that we ‘can’t do it ALL.’
Kudos to you for sharing this. Through blogging, I’ve realized that I am not alone in this and that I shouldn’t feel weak or embarrassed.
And, the control issue/lack of sometimes like your yesterday is another hard thing to tackle.
Stay strong! Happy Tuesday!
Farmer*sWife/Glass_Half_Full_Gal´s last blog ..100th day of school…BLECH!!!
Thank you so much for your comments, it’s always comforting to hear that I’m not alone!
I know that paralysis quite well. When I get like that, I just go with it. I let all but the most pressing things go, and blow off the rest until I’m feeling better–kind of like a “sick day.”
It’s really hard for me to ask for help, also. Even from hubby. But like yours, mine is always ready to help when I ask for it. A good night’s rest usually gives me a much better outlook and much more energy the next day.
Les´s last blog ..I’m An Equal Opportunity Stupid-Basher
That’s a good point. Just go with it. There have been days when I have done just that….given into the dark side and woke up the next day feeling much better. Yesterday was just one of those days where some of those things HAD to get done.
I love the statement, “I will know when I know.” So true, my friend, so true. I can totally relate to this post (especially the part about not wanting to burden your husband with being in your head, LOL), and I’m so glad that you’re able to recognize these signs now and let some of it out. Blogging is such good therapy, don’t you think?
Sending non-paralyzing, and productive thoughts your way!
Blogging is GREAT therapy, especially with so many of us feeling similarly in many situations. Today wasn’t totally productive but not due to paralysis. Thanks for your cheerful thoughts!
What a fabulous quote!
Your post reminded me of driving through the fog yesterday, not knowing what was ahead on the highway 500 yards in front of my car for three hours traveling home. My anxious thoughts had me thinking of accidents that could be off in the distance, I can easily imagine the worst. Telling myself I am a safe driver who knows this road like the back of my hand helped me keep me from being overwhelmed. Such is life.
There is strength in asking for what we want and need … great reminder Cyndi.
Thank you Dawn & happy to hear you made it safely through the fog.