Gone
“When you’re dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she’s not, ’cause she’s gone, gone, gone, gone, gone….”
- Dreaming With A Broken Heart by John Mayer
Gina died around 1am this morning. I don’t know anything more than that. I couldn’t bear to hear any details. I don’t want to know. Selfish? Maybe.
I can’t believe she’s gone. I don’t know why I’m shocked. I am. Of course I knew she was dying, that there was nothing more any doctors could do for her. I think it’s still somewhat shocking because I just couldn’t believe that this feisty, brave, amazing woman could ever lose this battle. And now she’s gone.
This new job I have? She would have been all over it too. She would have been excited as hell for me and would have wanted me to pass along her resume. Immediately. It’s so bizarre that she doesn’t know about it at all. I can’t just pick up the phone to tell my friend my good news. I can’t talk to her ever again. About anything. Ever. Her phone number is stored in my cell phone. It doesn’t matter. I am thinking of calling it to hear her voice on her voice mail message. I’m afraid of who may pick up. Definitely someone for whom her death is even more painful than it is for me.
It was right around this time three years ago when another friend’s mother died suddenly. I’m sorry to say that I don’t know the exact date of her death but it was right before Christmas and it was out of the blue, completely unexpected. I realized at some point that her death marked the beginning of my unraveling. Her death was the first in a series of unfortunate events that sparked….something. I don’t know what to call it really. A downward spiral. A new journey on a path to self-awareness. All of those things.
And I wonder today, as I try to find the lesson in this unfortunate event, if this means I have somehow come full circle. I wonder if this death, almost exactly three years from the beginning of my unraveling or journey or spiral or whatever….I wonder what it means.
All I know for sure is that I miss my friend. Her passing leaves a hole in my life and I don’t know if I ever even want to stop accidentally picking up the phone to call her.
Thanks for stopping by.
Cyndi – there are not words that come close to comforting you during this time. I think Gina does know about your new job. She will always be with you surrounding you with everything that she did in this lifetime. And, through you she has touched the lives of your readers.
If you haven’t yet, please finish reading The Shack.
My thoughts are with you!
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Even when something like this is not unexpected, it still seems unreal to the ones left coping with the loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and her family. <3
Oh Cyndi, I’m so sorry to hear this. That quote is absolutely beautiful and expresses what we feel so well! I went through every word you wrote when my Grammy passed. All I can say is that eventually you’ll want to hear the details – it will help. Our mind plays evil tricks on us and “wonders,” when reality is usually nicer. I still have my Grammy’s number in my phone, 11 months later. Last month I switched it to my aunt’s name (they lived together). I’m truly sorry that you have to go through this. You’ll be in my prayers!
Christina´s last blog ..One Whole Week!
I feel numb with you Cyndi. This day must have you feeling as though you are in a dream state and you want to wake up. In a blink she is gone.
I hope you do what you need to do … what ever feels soothing moment to moment in the day ahead, and the next one. Surround yourself with comforts you know best.
I feel like looking at the stars and humming Amazing Grace. I think I will.
XoXo
Cyndi, I am so very sorry for your loss. The only comfort I can give you is that when I lost a very close friend, it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through. For a long time, I’d go to call her, forgetting she wasn’t just not home–she was gone gone gone, as your quote so eloquently says. I began writing her letters. It wasn’t the same as talking with her, but it helped me through the grief. My thoughts are with you…
Karen
karen Walker´s last blog ..A journey
Thank you all so much.
Dear Cyndi…
My thoughts and prayers are with you and her family. Mighty one above sees through the veil, besides is she, smiling at you from heaven above.Take Care.
I hope this poem finds you comfort like it did us when Steve’s brother Sean died (not sure who wrote it):
“Do not stand beside my grave and weep,
For I’m not there, I do not sleep,
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond’s glint on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn’s rain.
When you awaken in morning’s hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush,
of quiet birds in circle flight,
I am soft stars that shine at night,
Do not stand beside my grave and cry,
I am not there. I did not die.”
We still write to Sean – the funeral home offered an online guestbook for friends/family to sign…and we’ve kept it up…each of us writes in it a few times a year…and we do believe Sean reads it, only from Heaven instead of from a computer at home. Maybe you could set something up like that for your friend? A place where others can go to “email her in Heaven”? Or maybe I’m crazy…I’m sorry, just trying to lend some comfort when right now maybe all you need is time to try and heal. Either way, you’re in my thoughts, Cyndi…take care of you.
Sincerely,
Jaime
I am so sorry about the loss of your friend.
I know what you mean when you want to hear her voice ,I call my son’s phone just to hear his voice.
Take your time
Peggy
i just lit a candle for you and in memory of Gina: http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/candles.cfm?l=eng&gi=TBC
thinking of you and praying for you. i’m here.
she´s last blog ..Have you entered these Giveaways yet?
I am sorry that you have lost your dear friend Gina. May you find joy in the celebration of her life and the knowing that she is not dead that she has merely shifted form and lives on in the eternity that we all do. People come in and out of our life for a reason and some we miss dearly. My thoughts are with you and Gina.
Mark´s last blog ..Sudden Death
Thanks so much everyone. Jaime I love the poem.
Oh, Cyndi, I’m so sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you.