I Don’t Know What I Don’t Know
“A single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us. To live is to be slowly born.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
So I was thinking some more about this whole idea of Limbo and wondering what it was that used to make my life hell when I was forced (by my own inaction or by circumstances truly beyond my control) to deal with periods of limbo.
The obvious is the unknown. When I am in limbo I am unsure of an outcome. I am waiting for something to happen, someone to get back to me or someone to take action. Fear of the unknown causes most people anxiety. For a neurotic worrier such as myself, this was hell. It’s not just fear, it’s constant worrying, dreaming up every possible worst-case scenario, dreaming up every possible acceptable scenario, secretly attached to the expectation of the best possible case scenario. It’s actually fear that my own worst-case scenario will occur or that if my best-case scenario does not occur all hope for happiness will be forever lost, not simply the fear of the unknown. This is an extreme and dramatic way to look at the unknown.
At times in the past, it was I who could have taken action but didn’t realize it. I spent my life simply reacting to things which seemed to simply happen. I had not one clue that I was capable of taking responsibility for some aspects of my life. I was not helpless or trapped by anything other than my own fear. There’s that word again. Fear. In these instances it was still fear of the unknown but also fear of making the wrong decision and having only myself to blame. Fear that others would not love me if the secret of my imperfection were to get out. Fear of failure, rejection, fear of everything.
The unknown is really just that…unknown. It’s not anything to fear. It’s pointless to fear it really. It’s certainly pointless to worry about it. Worrying has never solved a single problem for anyone. Ever. In fact, worrying is a distraction that can cloud our judgment and cause us to miss other opportunities that may come along because we’re too busy worrying about something else.
Interestingly enough, today I learned that there is a slight possibility that a doctor who practices alternative medicine might be able to help my friend Gina. It’s a long shot but definitely worth it. I wonder if her husband had simply given into worrying about what he would do after she was gone if he would have even thought to try something different since all the other doctors have said there is no hope. They are in limbo but still working on doing everything they can to get out of it. Making choices. Maybe all of your prayers and those of everyone who knows her are working. We don’t know what we don’t know.
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Oooh, I hope they take a shot. I know someone who was given no hope ( months to live) and they finally found a doctor that did a new type of surgery that most doctors knew nothing about or would not even recommend. She had a couple more healthy years with her family. It was amazing and well worth the risk.
They are definitely going to do whatever they can. She was already working with alternative treatments and diet in conjunction with the chemo but this is a new doctor that she hasn’t seen yet so hopefully he can offer something new.
I’m a firm believer of alternative medicines for cancer! I told Johnny if I ever get cancer to please take me to Edgar Cayce’s hospital in VA. My cousin was also telling me about the movie “The Beautiful Truth” about 20 y.o. Dr. Max Gerson who cured cancer w/ food, by changing the diet! Very similar to how Cayce treats cancer too – pretty interesting stuff. It’s amazing to think that the body can journey all the way to the edge of cancer and return just by getting it back on track, scientifically, again. I’m glad Gina’s still fighting – it’s all about hope!
Also, I am the same way about worrying about the future and the unknown. My dr. told me it is b/c I like to be in control – you cannot be in control of what you do not know, so therefore, I dislike it. Found that interesting, makes sense!
Christina´s last blog ..Honey Mustard Chicken Nuggets
Yes, it really is about control. I don’t know about you but my thing was that I never felt in control of anything and the unknown was just too much of a lack of control for me to deal with. Being controlled in every way growing up left me with some serious control issues, especially when dealing with men.
This reminds me of a slogan that comes from the 12-step programs, but it applies to life in general: the 3 c’s: I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it and I can’t cure it. It refers to the disease of alcoholism, but it also applies to situations or other people. The only thing we really have control over is our responses to people and situations. Great post, Cyndi,
Karen
Karen Walker´s last blog ..Caregiving
Great post! Gave me lots to ponder about.
The desire to keep seeking in the face of adversity and disappointment … I admire Gina’s tenacious spirit. Your post humbles me and gives me great hope at the same time.
Love the quote, so true
Dawn´s last blog ..As Still as This Pond
The worst thing to do is believe the doctor. You have to keep your will to live and fight.
I can relate to the fear. in the past I let it control my life to.
I am finally on a new road and always remember the jfk quote. There is nothing to fear but fear it’s self.
Once you think about it, really all the preconceived ideals that pop in our head, are way worse that what is to come.
Grammy´s last blog ..Your room mate
Well put. We imagine the worst and things usually don’t turn out as badly as we imagined. Even when they do, the worrying didn’t stop it and was a waste of our time. Even more reason to stop the insanity of worrying….what if it really is true that we get what we put out there? If we’re always thinking about the worst, we may be our own worst enemy by inviting it.
What actually happens is we make our self sick from the worry. And if we keep it up it can put us on the edge of life. I have been there. And will never go back.
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