Staying Home
“Because this is what happens when you try to run from the past. it doesn’t just catch up: it overtakes, blotting out the future, the landscape, the very sky, until there is no path left except that which leads through it, the only one that can ever get you home.” — Sarah Dessen
I’m not certain the reason but lately I just want to stay home.
It could be grief. Grieving takes its toll. Especially grieving in limbo. When the person you are grieving is still alive but death is imminent. That is the situation with my friend right now and it was the same with my father 10 years ago. I haven’t heard from her husband since I went to visit her again on Saturday. Sometimes I almost convince myself that she’s made a miraculous recovery. Other times, when I really let myself think hard about her, I feel indescribable sadness. It’s different than it was with my father but brings up a lot of long-buried memories.
It could be that I’m on day 6 of some sort of nasty stomach flu. I don’t feel sick like I did the first two days but I still can’t really eat anything. Think I’ve lost some weight? Probably not.
It could just be this time of year. It snowed yesterday. Just flurries. Still. Snow. Bleh.
And that pretty sums up how I feel right now. Just…bleh. I just want to stay home.
I love our house. It’s not “fabulous” by any stretch of the imagination. Hell, half the time it’s not even “clean” by anyone’s standards. But the couch is warm and inviting. The other people here are some of my favorites. There are tons of books, lots of movies and no snow.
Lucky for me I’m still working from home two days a week. Working from home can be challenging because it’s so easy to get distracted and mismanage your time. But it’s nice too because I don’t have to deal with all that goes into getting to the office….traffic, getting dressed….even showering….not required. I don’t have to deal with the constant interruptions, although we are so busy right now that they come frequently enough via e-mail. It’s still much nicer working from home. It’s peaceful and comfortable.
Hubby has reconnected with some old friends on facebook and a few have planned to get together tomorrow night. I was supposed to have gotten a babysitter. I finally determined that I simply don’t feel like going. Anywhere. So, he’ll get some much-needed socialization and I’ll get some much-needed alone time. Here. At home.
Thanks for stopping by!
Glad you are paying attention to yourself and staying home. It sounds like exactly what you need. I don’t know why, but for some reason, when I’m grieving for one thing, it somehow brings up all the things I’ve ever grieved for, and the things I haven’t. Be ever so gentle with yourself, Cyndi. What you are going through is so very hard. Sending you blessings and love,
Karen
Karen Walker´s last blog ..Sustenance
when i am sad i just want to stay home too. i get it. just don’t hole up too much ok? meet a friend for coffee. make yourself get out some. let others help you through this. hugs from here…
Karen: Thank you. I think you hit the nail on the head. I don’t think I’ve ever really grieved anything before and it feels draining.
Consuella: Thank you and don’t worry, I’m not going to turn into some depressed hermit (although I do contend that we should be allowed to hibernate during the winter). It’s a temporary “bleh” feeling that will pass. Although a fabulous trip to France would be absolutely lovely…have a great trip!
I can so relate to this. I LOVE being home, too, even when I’m not sick or grieving.
Hope you feel better soon. Remember, in a few weeks, the days will start to get longer again! That’s what my hubby is already telling himself to help deal with crappy winter!
Ok, I’ll try telling myself that too Les. I don’t about your weather but here we don’t see any hints of spring until April and sometimes even May. It’s just too damn long!
I live, work and do school from home … mostly. It’s been this way all of my life, the student stuff I appreciate more and more these days. I make a show in the ‘real world’ and hunger for home again. My sanctuary, where ‘life’ is truly happening. It depletes me to be around people I cannot connect with unless we’re on the same learning curve. The ones I do connect with, like you … I consider them lifelines.
Solitude is food for the spirit. The world can go on without me showing up for a lot of things I could care a less about. I am better for keeping myself from ‘the crowd.’ We seldom trust what we feel is best for us … I don’t know why. I’m so happy you trust what is best for you right now.
And I also want to say, I admire your ability to express what you think … I am struggling with that in my transition right now.
Dawn´s last blog ..You Know It’s Cold When …
Thank you Dawn. It’s funny that you mention difficulty expressing yourself. I almost didn’t click that publish button because I knew I sounded like a whiny Debbie Downer! I finally figured it’s my blog and I can be cranky if I want to.
Hey Cyndi,
I know I said it before but I am still praying for you and your fmaily. The huge loss that you are feeling will take a lot out of a person. I wish I could woosh all the pain away for everyone who knows Gina. I have hesitated to say this because talking about Gina in a sense of her not being here is crushing. BUT I will say it cuz you know where I stand and you know my heart! God is getting one of the true GOOD ones when she leaves this crummy earth, and that day is when her real joy will begin! I know it is hard to think of it that way cuz her loved ones are still here, but I am 100% sure of the fact that Jesus will be keeping her close to him.
I know I sound like the Creepy Christian Lady again, But I trust in my Lord and I trust in Heaven!
Love and Blessings,
Rai
Rana, I appreciate your prayers and your comments as always. You are NOT the Creepy Christian Lady! I’m in awe of your faith, especially since I’m still searching for my own. It is crushing and I know your heart is in the right place. Thank you.
I say, poor yourself a hot tottie curl up on that comfy couch and watch It’s A Wonderful Life, it certainly won’t take away from any of the real life worries, but it will give you a good cry (which always seems to help me). Hope you are feeling better soon.
Tammy´s last blog ..Turkey Day Tales…
Thanks Tammy. I would love to be curled up on the couch and drinking….heavily. Unfortunately I’m actually working. Mandatory weekend overtime announced at 3:30pm on Friday. Gotta love this business! Maybe I’ll drink heavily anyway.
I’m sorry you haven’t been feeling well, Cyndi. Curl up on that comfy couch and treat yourself well.