Fear Of Falling
“Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who’s misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good”
- The Heart Of Life by John Mayer
It’s been over 24 hours since I’ve seen Gina. I find myself feeling more and more anger, sadness, guilt and sheer terror. I can’t seem to focus in on any one thought or feeling for very long. It’s all a jumbled mess, as I’m sure this post will be. I apologize in advance.
Continuum by John Mayer is my go-to album when I’m headed over that cliff leading to the dark side. As a result, I had to listen to it. Over and over. I also simply had to get rid of the horrific song that has been running through my head ever since Friday. Seasons In The Sun by Terry Jacks. I’ve always hated that song. It was released in 1974, when I was four years old. I must have heard it and understood it’s meaning at a young age. I cannot for the life of me figure out when I last heard it though. It has to have been years. I intentionally change the radio station on the rare occasion that it’s played. But there it was, running through my head for the better part of the past 3 days. It had to be replaced.
I finally settled on The Heart Of Life. It’s sad and hopeful at the same time. That’s where I’d like to be right now. I understand that it’s ok for me to feel profoundly sad about my friend and about my loss and her family’s loss. I also understand that life goes on. At least for the rest of us.
I’ve lived my whole life avoiding the dark side. I’ve self-medicated with alcohol, nicotine, food and other distractions. Over the past two years I’ve been working hard on living a more authentic life. I’m still learning how to recognize my feelings and deal with them in a more healthy way. What that means to me is to live in the moment. Experience whatever I’m experiencing. Acknowledge the feelings that come up. Allow myself to feel those feelings. Stop running. Stop hiding. Stop stuffing them and ignoring them and just….be.
I’ve been doing a fairly good job and making progress. Until now. I’m petrified to give in and allow myself to feel what is bubbling up under the surface. If I jump off that cliff and go to the dark side, what if I can’t get back? I’ve been to the dark side over much less upsetting things than the imminent death of one of my closest friends. It feels awful. At times it’s literally been debilitating.
I do have more resources now than I did then. I know more. I’ve returned from the dark side with lessons learned. I’ve changed a lot as a result. It still scares the hell out of me.
The only other person in my life who has died was my father. That was fully expected and a long time coming. I’ve lost distant relatives too. None of that compares to this.
I was shopping today for Thanksgiving items and it just seemed so absurd. How can I be buying pies and stuffing and shrimp trays when Gina is dying? It felt awful, as if I were betraying her. As if I wasn’t taking it seriously enough. I don’t know how I’m supposed to function at work this week. I have to do it. There’s no getting out of it. All I really want to do is camp out in her hospital room and hold on for dear life. I don’t want to leave her alone. I know she isn’t really alone, her family is there. I just want to be there too. I don’t want to let go.
When I think of her daughters I want to scream. It’s so fucking unfair that this amazing woman and mother is being taken from them. Death is never fair or even convenient but they’re just kids. Her husband, her mother, her sister and brother, her grandmother. Fuck. Her grandmother should not have to watch her granddaughter die anymore than her husband should have to watch his 40 year old wife die.
Then after bitching and whining about all this I feel selfish for having my own little pity party when so many other people’s lives are being affected in many more life-changing ways than my own. Especially Gina herself.
The dark side is calling. I think I need to just go and get it over with. I’m bringing John Mayer with me. I’ll be back.
Thanks for stopping by.
Hang in there, Cyndi. I had much of the same thoughts go through my head for my Grammy. Just know that Gina wouldn’t want you to miss Thanksgiving w/ your family and your boys. Also, try not to feel guilty about any of the feelings you’re having or the way your grief is displaying itself. I actually googled grief and how to do it when I was struggling w/ my Grammy’s passing. I just thought I can’t be doing it “right.” Then I realized, there is no right way, even for the same person. Each passing, each situation, each relationship will always have its own grief process that manifests itself in its own ways. You have to do what is right and healthy for you, no matter how absurd or “wrong” it seems in the moment.
Christina´s last blog ..Taste of Home Field Editor
You must feel like you’re just going through the motions getting ready for this holiday thing. Life is so unfair sometimes.
I’ve been on the dark side a lot too but I recently tried a different (and much less destructive) coping mechanism when life got really hard; I cried for five hours straight. I texted my husband because I couldn’t even stop crying to talk. I put a video on for my son to watch downstairs so I wouldn’t scare him and went up to my room and cried. My husband came home to take care of our son and I just stayed upstairs and cried, and sobbed, and blew my nose, and sobbed some more. I’ve never cried myself to dehydration before. I felt crappy for the next couple of days, mostly because I didn’t drink enough water after, but I feel so much better. The circumstances that caused the sobbing haven’t even necessarily gotten better, but I’m not carrying around all the sadness and anger and powerlessness. I let it go. Now, I can just deal with what’s in front of me. I highly recommend it, because the dark side is usually about escaping the problem rather than handling it. So sorry you’re going through this loss.
Sonya Feher´s last blog ..Eat This: Nutmeg Lemon Glazed Carrots
Christina: Thank you so much. You’re right, Gina would not like it if she knew I was unhappy about anything having to do with her.
Sonya: Welcome! Actually, that’s all I mean when I say “The Dark Side”. I guess I’m a little dramatic. I generally try to stop myself from crying. I try to push those thoughts that make me start to cry away. I did have a nice long crying jag last night. I feel better this morning than I did last night. Hope it lasts. Thank you so much for your comment.
Cyndi, please don’t be so hard on yourself. Everything you’re feeling is so absolutely normal. Just allow whatever is there to bubble up. Tell the people closest to you what you’re going through so you don’t have to hide or pretend to feel other than what you are feeling. Don’t know how old your kids are or how much they understand, but telling them mommy is sad about something that has nothing to do with them will help. Grief comes in ways we don’t understand and you just have to allow yourself to ride that particular wave.
I am so very sorry for the loss of your friend, Gina. I lost my friend Betsy and 5 years ago and still go to call her every so often.
Blessings,
Karen
Karen Walker´s last blog ..Weekend Wrap-up
Les: Yes, it does sort of feel that way.
Karen: I know you’re right. My kids understand what’s going on and my husband has been great. It’s all me being afraid if I open the floodgates I won’t be able to close them. Intellectually, I know that’s not the case. I’m so sorry about your friend too.
love to you cyndi
she´s last blog ..My Sunday
grief is a tricky bastard. it has so many layers and is so unpredictable. i’m just glad you are acknowledging what you are feeling and not trying to make yourself feel a different way. you have to walk through it and not run from it. sounds like you are doing that.
hugs from here….
consuella´s last blog ..i don’t get it
It is a tricky bastard. This is the first time I’ve mindfully forced myself to not change or ignore my feelings and it’s not fun but also not as painful as frantically looking for distractions.
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won’t all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good.
So true. Good pick, my friend.