Define Family
“You must remember, family is often born of blood, but it doesn’t depend on blood. Nor is it exclusive of friendship. Family members can be your best friends, you know. And best friends, whether or not they are related to you, can be your family.” — Trenton Lee Stewart
How do you define family? Is it as simple as including only people who are related by blood or marriage?
My mother, for example, seems to have a very strict set of rules by which she defines family. In one of the biggest arguments she and I have ever had she pointed out that I am only related to her sisters, brother and mother because I am her daughter. No, it wasn’t a childhood genealogy lesson. I was 27 years old. I had a pretty good handle on how genealogy works. The argument was about who was to be invited to my wedding. We disagreed and she said that her family would be upset with her if I didn’t invite some people that I was not planning on inviting. It was when I pointed out that it was my decision and that our family members would be upset with me and not with her that she felt compelled to point out that they were really more her family than mine. Why can’t memories like that one be repressed I wonder?
It’s not that simple for me. Of course my husband and kids are my immediate family, as is my mother and my sister who is also my closest friend. In addition to my blood relatives and relatives by marriage, I consider the majority of my friends to be my family. In fact, I am closer to many of my friends than I am to most of my relatives.
This is one of the things I love about my husband’s relatives. I’ve always felt like part of the family. His siblings, parents, aunts, uncles and cousins don’t have such strict rules about who is family. Many friends are called aunts, uncles or cousins even though they are not truly related in any way. They are still part of the family.
One friend in particular comes to mind as an excellent example of this. I believe we first came to know him when he became a high school friend of my husband’s brother. My sister met him at a party at my mother’s-in-law house and they dated for a while. Later, he and my husband became friends. Through various parties and holidays my mother-in-law became friends with his parents. We all became friends with his siblings and his girlfriend, who is now his wife. His youngest sister recently completed a high school project by working with my sister for a day. Our lives are all intertwined. They are all family. We’ve disagreed and bickered over the years. There was some awkwardness when he and my sister stopped dating and some more when he started dating his wife since he and my sister had dated yet were still friends. We all moved on from those things and continue to be close after all these years.
One of my girlfriends comes immediately to mind as well. We grew up next door to each other. She and I were roommates for 2 years. Her father gave the eulogy at my father’s funeral. We stood up in each others’ weddings. We’ve spent a lifetime together. Sometimes we’re caught up in the business of day to day life and don’t see each other or talk as often as we’d like. Sometimes we take trips together and see each other quite often. No matter what, we know we’re here for each other, to laugh or to cry with.
Related or not, the people whom you most enjoy spending time with, whom you care about and truly know…that’s family to me.
Thanks for stopping by!
Cyndi,
I actually prefer the friendship concept because is the result of a conscious decision. Family ties in the other hand, are imposed by the circumstances.
So I see it the other way around: If I feel joy and growth when sharing with a family member then, I will call this relative my FRIEND…
I would conclude that our perception is similar, the difference is just because of semantics!
All the best!
I love this.
therapydoc´s last blog ..What Do You Do With a Drunken Pilot?
It used to be that family lived together either in the same house (multiple generations) or nearby. That’s the exception now rather than the norm. I agree with you, family has become those who we hold close, be they blood relatives or not.
Helen
Straight From Hel
you write something i have thought about a lot. surprised? my dad used to tell me that blood was thicker than water and that when it really came down to it all i could rely on was my family. i take it from that, and i think he represents many of his generation, that being family is about supporting, being there and loving unconditionally. the thing is, i have experienced that more from some of my best friends than i have from my family.
i do consider some of my friends family but only a few. it has to be about more than just getting along or having fun. my friends who are family are the ones i can completely be myself around. i don’t hide. i don’t fear their reactions. i can tell them anything. i know i can ask anything of them. there is a commitment, sometimes verbal, sometimes assumed that we are in this thing and we are sticking around.
so yes, i think friends can be family. i think they can be it in a way that even our family can’t or won’t. it reminds me a bit of the biblical idea of friendship. there was a covenant between friends that was as binding, in a commitment sense, as marriage. we see it with david and jonathan and with ruth and naomi. a beautiful picture in my opinion. i am so grateful for my friends who are like family. i seriously don’t know where i would be without them.
consuella´s last blog ..mamma mia
I agree with your last sentence for sure..I don’t know where I’d be without my friends either.
From the time I was a very small child, I wanted to belong to a different family, any family, other than mine. So I guess I always had a different definition than most people. To me, family means people who love, respect and support one another. That’s been my friends throughout my life, not my family. Now I have two “sisters of the heart,” one 12 1/2 year old child whom I feel could be my grandchild, we’re that close.
Karen
Karen Walker´s last blog ..Smelling the End – Helen Ginger
I felt the same way! I’m still trying to prove I was adopted.
Some people do not have blood family to be a part of, or they are sooo dysfunctional (rather than just annoying like most families) that they have no other choice than to create their own families through friends. It’s nice if we have family we can count on, but family can be created. It does not have to just be the people we are related to by blood or marriage.
Les´s last blog ..Darwin’s Missing Link
If people don’t behave like family or friends … why am I obligated to treat them as though they are. I’m NOT. Valuable experiences cannot be repressed.
This post, prior to the holiday season. PERFECT!
Dawn´s last blog ..Empirical Moments
So true, we are not obligated to deal with anyone who is toxic. And dammit, sometimes I want things to be repressed!
We define family not in terms of blood, but in terms of love and commitment. Adoptive families are prime examples that blood doesn’t matter when it comes to family. I am not blood-related to my son OR my husband, but they are my family through and through. And yes, many times friends become closer than family!
Anne´s last blog ..THIS BLOG HAS A NEW HOME!
Seems like we all pretty much agree….related or not….family is who we are closest to.
I am late to the game…but I agree!
Tammy´s last blog ..FURIOUS!
i’ve written about this on my site a lot this year. tis very true. in my 30s i was finally strong enough to delete the toxic people in my life and set boundaries for my toxic relatives. this has been hard, but relieving in many ways. i have 1 friend in particular who has been there through thick and thin and actually understands what i’m saying/feeling. that is priceless and that is what family is all about.
she´s last blog ..Snide Commentary Thursday