Inappropriate Behavior
“There are kinds of action, for good or ill, that lie so far outside the boundaries of normal behavior that they force us, in acknowledging that they have occurred, to restructure our own understanding of reality. We have to make room for them.” — Guy Gavriel Kay
I had no boundaries at all when I started dating. I had extremely low expectations about how I would be treated by men. Basically if a man was interested in me, was attractive and did not scream at or hit me, he was a keeper. One of the first guys I dated for any length of time during high school treated me like garbage. I only know that now. I didn’t know it then.
We worked together at a part-time after school job. We didn’t go to the same school. We did have some mutual friends. He asked me out and our first date was to be at a Halloween party. I was scheduled to work that night but called in sick. My boss, used to dealing with lying teenagers, gave me a hard time about it.
He stood me up. For our first date. I waited for hours making up excuse after excuse for his possible tardiness in picking me up and lack of communication about what was keeping him. When I finally stopped rationalizing his behavior I was devastated. I spent hours crying and trying to figure out what I had done wrong.
By the time I saw him at work a few days later I had already resolved to not let him know it bothered me at all. He did apologize but gave me no real explanation other than none of his other friends were bringing dates to the party. He said he still wanted to go out. I resisted for about a week but finally gave in and agreed. His chasing me was flattering. This time he was punctual. My parents loved him because he was tall, blond, good looking and behaved respectfully towards them.
He had recently been dumped by a long term girlfriend. She was a cheerleader. He was still pining over her. He even had a little shrine to her in his room complete with pictures of her and little mementos she had given him. It creeped me out but I rationalized this by telling myself it was a recent heartbreak that I would help him get over. Can you smell the co-dependency in the air even then?
His parents grilled me about my grades, what I wanted to do with my life and what extra curricular activities I was involved in. They were still pining over the ex-girlfriend too because they mentioned her and all of her activities often. I knew I could never measure up to her but I was determined to win them all over with my sparkling personality. The truth was, my after school activities involved making sure dinner was on the table as soon as my parents walked in the door and avoiding being hit or screamed at. I couldn’t exactly tell these fine, upstanding, cheerleader-loving people about that dirty little secret.
I can’t remember how long we dated but it was longer than I had dated anyone else. I was on the pill (that’s a post in itself) and decided I wanted to see what sex was all about. With him. I was extremely innocent, having done nothing more than make out with boys previously. I was curious and protected plus I figured he’d be less likely to dump me if we were having sex.
We were at his house alone one day making out on the couch when he suggested we go up to his room. I probably beat him up the stairs I was so eager to please. We were in bed, my clothes strewn about the floor of his room, about to do the deed when his parents came home early. He jumped out of bed, collected all of my clothes, threw them at me and pushed me towards the stairs telling me to get dressed in the bathroom downstairs and to hurry up. I did as I was told.
We went out once more after that incident, to one of his friend’s parties. He ignored me and flirted with some other girl the whole night. On the ride home he broke up with me. I acted like it didn’t bother me.
Once home I cried and cried, again wondering what I had done wrong. What I had done wrong! He had done everything wrong and wasn’t worth a second of my time. Reliving this is making me cringe. I want to build a flux capacitor, rent a DeLorean and travel back to 1986 to smack some sense into my 16 year old self. There are so many things wrong with the way I saw myself and my thought processes that I don’t even know where to begin. I shudder to think of what I would have become if I had had sex with him. I know I would have assumed that he broke up with me because I was bad at it and probably would never have tried it again. I’d be the creepy-spinster-cat-lady on the block most likely.
This all came up because I’ve come to the realization that I still have boundary issues and allow inappropriate behavior from men in my life. It’s not them, it’s me. I send off this signal that gives them the green light to behave badly. I allowed all sorts of nonsense from my own husband for years before realizing we had to change our relationship or end it. Luckily that worked out.
It’s other men in my life where I continue to find myself in uncomfortable conversations that I should not be allowing to continue. I was recently having a conversation with a man about a very serious and painful subject. He kept bringing the conversation back to sex. I kept laughing as if he were joking and then changing the subject back to the topic at hand. I made excuses for him since he is going through a lot right now. That’s horse-shit. I don’t care what he’s going through, nothing is a good enough excuse for this married man to be soliciting me, a married woman, for sex, “joking” or not.
This is not the first man with whom I’ve had these sorts of conversations either. That’s how I came to realize that it’s my lack of boundaries, not their behavior, that’s causing me confusion and feelings of being used. It feels just like it did to be the aforementioned asshole’s “girlfriend” back in high school. It’s time to challenge these “absolute truths” and stand up for myself once and for all. If I don’t insist on appropriate behavior I will continue to feel like that pathetic discarded 16 year old. I don’t need this type of attention from other men to feel validated anymore. It never validates me anyway.
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I doubt there’s more than a handful of women out there that didn’t do some stupid teenage girl thing at one time or another. I’ve got quite a few to cringe about. But…hopefully we learn and grow from these situations and become super awesome women (like I know we are!).
Absolutely true Les. Problem is, I apparently never stopped thinking like that stupid teenage girl. Until now.
Yes you did grow out of the teenage years. You knew, as a mother and a wife, it was senseless game the whole time. I play stupid with senseless people and call it throwing smoke bombs. My character is not on the line. Making mistakes is growing. Dealing with senselessness is up too you.
Remember
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I’m done dealing with senselessness, playing games and throwing smoke bombs. It’s time for direct communication of what I find acceptable and what I don’t. I learned to do that with my husband during our separation and marriage counseling. I felt safe trying it with him and it has turned out to be great for us….ruthless compassion as our good friend would say. Now, I just have to apply it to the rest of the world and let the chips fall where they may.
Cindy, this again is another eyeopener for me (Gosh! dunno where else i would have learnt to be aware, so BIG Thank YOU). Its a struggle to challenge absolute truth and define the boundaries. I know better now.
Swapna´s last blog ..Love how…then and now
ok that quote is amazing. i think that really sums up what has been happening in my therapy lately. i’ve definitely had to admit things so that i can restructure. anyway, this post is about YOU not about me…
you story made me want to kick that guy’s ass! does that surprise you? and then it made me think about all the time i have let other’s be an ass because i didn’t have appropriate boundaries. i think we do put up with too much from men sometimes. for me, i let much of it slide because i have this conversation going on in my head, “oh maybe he didn’t mean it like that. maybe he doesn’t realize how he is coming across. i’m sure i’m misinterpreting him….” and then i laugh, change the subject or walk away. the reality is that sometimes i am too worried about being NICE . i have to be nice to guys that are being inappropriate? wtf?
it’s good to recognize the things we do to receive validation. it is part of the process of valuing ourselves for who we are.
plus i’m curious, was it the same with every guy you dated or where serious with? or only ones that had those damn narcissistic characteristics?
consuella´s last blog ..yea for play!
You hit the nail on the head. I’ve always worried more about being nice than about how I’m being treated. I make up the same excuses you do! “maybe he doesn’t realize how he is coming across. i’m sure i’m misinterpreting him….” I behave this way with all men. All.
I behaved this way with my own husband for 10 years. I made excuses for everything he did or said that I didn’t like and I went out of my way to please him too. He was never abusive and is not a narcissist but learned to take advantage of getting away with bullshit because I was too nice.
I behaved this way on the phone the other day when talking to the 2nd man I wrote about in this post and I don’t believe him to be a narcissist but I also don’t know him well enough to know that. I have no clue if the high school boyfriend I wrote about was a narcissist or just behaving like an average teenage boy. I will tell you that if either of my boys treats a girl like that I will kick their ass!
Thanks so much, Cyndi, for sharing your ongoing journey of raising your awareness about past issues and present behavior. I have been on a similar journey for30+ years now, and I’m here to tell you, it does get a little easier as time goes on. Recognizing that I am having reactions and feelings from my old self is so crucial to changing behavior in present time. This is a great, great, lesson you’ve presented here.
Blessings,
karen
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