Baby Steps
“As children, we never chose what to believe or not to believe. We didn’t choose our religion or moral values, or any concept at all. But we agreed with these beliefs, and once we agreed it was stored in our memory.” – Don Miguel Ruiz
I have to preface this post with a BIG thank you to my friend Dawn over at Morse Musings for providing me with this quote. It couldn’t be more perfect. Thanks Dawn!
1 + 1 = 2
This was most likely our first math problem. We were not born knowing the answer. We learned it. At first we practiced by holding up one finger on one hand and one finger on the other hand and counting them. One….Two. We probably continued to solve this math problem by counting for some time before it finally became indelibly etched in our brains. We do not remember the struggle to learn the answer but the knowledge of that answer will never be forgotten. It was the first building block. We went on to learn more complex math problems but it all started with this one. Once we mastered this problem we stored the answer in our brains as the absolute truth and never questioned it again.
And so it goes with everything we learned as children. We may not immediately recall how or what we learned but we learned the building blocks to everything we now believe when we were young, most of it from our parents. Once we learned something and came to accept it as the absolute truth, we never questioned it again.
As an example, growing up with two narcissistic and abusive parents, I learned that I was bad. Not that I did bad things but that I was bad. Not worthy of love, affection, respect and deserving of abuse at the hands of my own parents. I learned to rely on the stingy scraps of praise I was given for a job well done, or at least for a job not horribly botched. I learned that just to avoid being hit, called horrible names, snide comments, cruel “jokes” and being screamed at, I had to be hyper-vigilant and never ever screw up anything. To make a mistake brought the wrath and rejection of my parents. To do well got me neutral and sometimes even positive feedback from them.
I had to do more, be better and not do anything to garner their disapproval just to attempt to gain what little comfort I found in a day or even a few hours that passed without any abuse. As children do, I saw my parents as all-powerful and believed that they tried to love me but that I was just constantly failing and falling short of their expectations. The knowledge that I was only worthy of a pat on the back or at least worthy of being spared from abuse when I was doing something well was the absolute truth. I forgot many of the instances that taught me this lesson but the lesson remains.
And so this is where my debilitating fear of failure, of making any mistakes, comes from. The point of bringing this up is not to whine about my childhood or blame my parents for my problems. It is to clearly see the reality of what I believe about myself and question it. Where did it come from? When the answer to that question is unknown I can be certain that it came from my childhood lessons. I know then that I must challenge that particular “absolute truth”, retrace my steps, figure out how I learned the lesson, discard it as untrue and learn a new, healthy, realistic lesson about myself to replace the outdated one.
Thanks for stopping by!
I learned once in my developemental psychology class that we are only born with 3 fears – fear of abandonment (a baby will cry when a familiar person leaves or if they aren’t fed/basic needs being met), fear of loud noises (ever startled a baby!?), and fear of falling (apparently they conducted a study over a glass top table where babies thought there was nothing beneath them). All other fears, or manifestations of these 3 fears are LEARNED.
Loved this post – it reminded me of that class and particular lesson. I remember finding it so enlightening and interesting. We have an idea put in our brains at an early age and through environment and circumstance, it manifests to phobias, fears, and disorders of today!
Christina´s last blog ..Whey-Free Lasagna
Thanks Christina….don’t you love psychology?!
amazing isn’t it? the things we learn from our parents. and often we don’t even realize that some of the ways we react and respond are directly tied to the ways we were treated as kids. that can cause some anger when we first make the connection (not that i know by experience or anything!) i’m glad to see that your intent is to look back in order to look forward. i hope the absolute truth that you replace it with is that you are valuable because of WHO you are not because of how you perform.
consuella´s last blog ..mumble jumble
Well, that is what I’m working on. It’s a process…..
Congratulations on being a self-aware person. There are few of us out there!
she´s last blog ..Protected: Appropriate Quotes
Thanks, I’m getting there.
I hope you realize how strong you are. I doubt if I would have survived a childhood such as yours. My parents weren’t perfect but I never doubted their love for me, their faith in me and that they were always there when I needed them (whether I wanted them there or not). I can’t believe you can stand your Mother anywhere near your family — you are one strong (and loving) woman.
Thanks Lisa. You’re pretty damn strong yourself! It’s so weird how my mom acts so differently towards my kids than she did towards her own. She’s just like your typical Grandma. She still tries her nonsense with me and my sister but is like a completely different person with our kids. I don’t know, I just can’t see disowning a 64 year old woman 20+ years after the damage has been done. It’s entirely possible that I’ll change my mind about that at some point but I doubt it.
Ohh! Such an honorable mention. Feels like I won a grammy … for which I’d like to thank my parents for … thank you Donna and Jerry. Without them I would not have learned so much about psychology in this lifetime.
The process of unlearning things that aren’t true has only taken forty years so far. LOVE the image you included with the post. Reminds me of all the exits we can take on the BIG highway of life. Reminds me your blog feels like a Rest Area
Dawn´s last blog ..The Way I Weigh Things
Hilarious! I guess I have my parents to thank for my knowledge of psychology too!!
And thank you.
Well, I feel a bit like an ass now for making the comment I did in your last post. I get it now.
When I had my son, my shared with me something she had learned in a child development course. She told me that everytime young child is yelled at their self esteem is damaged. I am by no means perfect, as a matter of fact, when agitated I tend to yell. However, I have always remembered this piece of information and have been very aware of how my words & temperment is being received by my son.
I apologize for making light of your previous post!
)
Tammy´s last blog ..36 – A Nice Round Number.
Aww..thanks Tammy. I’ll admit at first I was taken aback by your comment. Then I thought about how your attitude towards my stupid mistake is truly a healthy one, which was the point of my post…that I see every little mistake as a major event that threatens everything I hold dear in life and that is NOT rational thinking. It’s the result of these old lessons that need to be challenged and unlearned.
Scary how much power parents have over their kids’ lives–especially when so many parents are f#%k-ups. I certainly hope I haven’t scarred my kids too much when I lost my cool and yelled at them.
At least I always let them know when they were doing a good job and lavished them with praise–that’s such a nicer way of raising children and so much more a reflection of how much we really love them.
It is scary Les!
HI Cyndi,
All I can say is you are on the right track. I’ve spent years looking back at my childhood, trying to separate the beliefs I absorbed from what I know now to be true. Journalling, talk therapy, tons of self-help, all helped. Just know that you are okay just as you are.
Blessings,
karen
Karen Walker´s last blog ..The Cloud of Unknowing
Thanks Karen! Can you tell me how many years exactly….