Evidence Of My Imperfection
“The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.” — Elbert Hubbard
One of my biggest obstacles in life continues to be my fear of making mistakes. When I make a mistake I don’t normally just shake it off. I know everyone makes mistakes and that I am far from perfect. The problems are that I beat myself up and worry about all the possible outcomes that could result from my mistake.
If I make a mistake at work, I consider the possibility that my mistake will cost the company money or cost them a customer. I consider the possibility that I suck at my job in general, or that someone else may come to that conclusion. I consider the possibility that anyone above me or involved in the transaction will be angry. I consider the possibility that I will be fired. Then I consider all the possible short and long term ramifications of losing my job. It goes on and on and on. Endless and pointless worrying. All over one mistake.
I made a mistake on Friday. In the grand scheme of things, it’s really not a big deal at all. At the time I came pretty close to a full blown panic attack. I talked myself down since I’ve come to recognize these self-destructive thought patterns. The next day though, when hubby expressed his displeasure over my mistake, it started all over again. He apologized and I talked myself down again. What’s interesting about this mistake was the overwhelming need for me to fix it. Immediately. Even though there is no true urgency and it is in fact, a better idea to wait a few days.
I was going to wash a mask off my face. I plugged the upstairs sink and turned the water on. The phone rang. I ran into the other room to get the phone and planned on running right back to the sink. It was a work related call and I got distracted. The call didn’t last more than a few minutes but that was enough time for the sink to overflow, run out of the bathroom and into our bedroom, soaking a small spot of the carpeting. More importantly, the water had time to run into the heating vent on the bathroom floor and onto the downstairs ceiling, leaving a rather large and horribly ugly brown spot.
Of course I should have turned the water off when I ran to get the phone. This was not my finest hour.
As I said I managed to talk myself down. I initially said all sorts of horrible things to myself. It’s never just, “that was a bad idea, action or decision”. It’s, “I’m a bad, stupid or inept person”. Then I remembered that everyone makes mistakes and that as far as home improvement projects go, this wouldn’t be the worst project to have to tackle. I hate painting and may end up having to paint the ceilings in several downstairs rooms since they are all connected. But I also may not have to do all that. It may look ok with some primer and “feathering” of the paint. I looked all this up online to find out how to best handle it and it may end up being a much smaller job than originally anticipated by either me or my husband.
I wanted to tackle this on Saturday. I felt strongly that it must be fixed immediately. Hubby pointed out that it did not have to be done this weekend. My brother-in-law pointed out that it would be best to wait to make sure it’s completely dry.
Why did I feel such a sense of urgency? To cover it up. To make it go away. Literally. If there is no evidence of the mistake than I can stop feeling bad about it. I can take my tail from between my legs and stop beating myself up.
How absurd. It’s ugly. It’s going to be a pain in the ass. But it’s not life-threatening or even particularly expensive. I made a mistake. There is proof. That proof may stay with us for a little while constantly reminding me of my mistake. I think that may actually be a good thing. I need to get used to the idea that the world isn’t going to end every time I make a mistake. Maybe others do too.
Thanks for stopping by!
i’m sure there is a perfectly good psychological explanation for why you fear making a mistake and why you want to rectify it immediately. when you figure out what that is will you let me know? cause i’m kinda the same….i always thought it was the high expectations i had for myself and my enormous need to take responsibility for my own actions. but what do i know? i am sure it has something to do with something else. i know nothing. i just know i feel your pain my friend!
consuella´s last blog ..opening a can
You are always providing me with ideas for my next post! I do know why.
Oh Cyndi, I’m so sorry you put yourself through all that. I’ve realized that I am harder on myself than any prior abuser has ever been. For me, it all boils down to having unrealistic expectations–of myself and others. You’re so right, we are all human. And when we are hungry, angry, lonely, tired, stressed, we don’t make the greatest choices. I’ve earned to pay attention to those states and try to stay more focused and attentive to myself when I’m feeling those feelings.
Hope this week is better!
Blessings,
karen
Karen Walker´s last blog ..Weekend Wrap-Up/Guest Blogger coming soon
Yes, we are even harder on ourselves than our abusers aren’t we? Well said, and thank you.
Sending you big hugs, cyndi!
I never realized it until I read this, but I am the same way. Esp. when it comes to work stuff. I become guilt ridden and try to calculate my mistake. I imagine getting fired in a horrible fashion and never being able to find a job again b/c they will give me horrible references. I think if I had overflowed the sink I could be found in a small ball, crying hysterically. Sorry that had to happen, but now that you write it out it does make perfect sense, doesn’t it?! Just a few days and some simple home improvement and it’ll be back to new.
Christina´s last blog ..Shredded Brussel Sprouts
It’s awful isn’t it. I felt complete at utter panic at having to “explain myself” to my husband. I’m a 39 year old woman for fuck’s sake! I have to admit, even after writing this post I find myself avoiding going into that room. I think I’m going to force myself to stare at it for a long time. Maybe I won’t paint it white…a creative mural sounds like a nice memento to remember “MY BIG MISTAKE”.
You remind me of how I punish myself over the most ridiculous things. Fearing mistakes, I know this feeling too! Getting caught making a mistake used to have a higher price tag as a kid.
Reminds me of a quote, “As children, we never chose what to believe or not to believe. We didn’t choose our religion or moral values, or any concept at all. But we agreed with these beliefs, and once we agreed it was stored in our memory.” – Don Miguel Ruiz
Your timing with this post couldn’t be more perfect
Dawn´s last blog ..The Way I Weigh Things
No kidding! And that quote is so true and perfect! These are the things I have to always remind myself to do….question everything I think. It’s freakin’ exhausting!
k – i would have laughed at myself OUT LOUD! Is it bad I thought the sink thing was funny? I do get the big picture about beating yourself up over mistakes, but the sink thing….kinda’ got a chuckle from that one. Sorry!
Tammy´s last blog ..36 – A Nice Round Number.
No need to apologize. I always enjoy being a source of amusement for you.
Actually, that was sort of the point. Not to make you laugh but to point out how unhealthy my thought process is. Yours is MUCH healthier and FUN!
Oh, Cyndi, I can so relate to this. I hate to see any remnants of my mistakes and would want to immediately make things “perfect” again.
I also used to play things over and over in my head whenever I did something I thought was stupid. I would cringe and worry and relive it for days. This is one of the most wonderful things about my use of prescription pharmaceuticals (I know, I sound like I’m pushing drugs), but it’s worked like a charm for me. I am no longer paralyzed after making a mistake, and sometimes it seems like I don’t even screw up as much (probably because I’m not worried about screwing up)!
Les´s last blog ..Use It Before You Lose It
You make a valid point. It is much easier to focus when on anti-depressants and not fall into these thinking patterns that go nowhere but down. You’re probably right about not screwing up as much too! I don’t think you’re a drug pusher, although that image is pretty funny!
I go through this too Cyndi. Endless pointless worrying!
The evidence just pricks your heart and at times i wish i could just vanish into thin air
As you rightly put, sky isnt going to fall or so am beginning to learn.Am with you here. Have a nice day.
Swapna´s last blog ..Life, less hurried
I’m sorry to hear that you do this to yourself too but happy to hear you are with me. Thank you!