When You Must Deal With A Manipulator
“As we maneuver to avoid the wrath of punishers and the aggressive way they manipulate us, we may find ourselves doing things that amaze us- lying, keeping secrets, sneaking around- to maintain the illusion of obeying them.” — Susan Forward
We can’t (or won’t) always avoid chronic manipulators in our lives. They may be family members, bosses, co-workers, friends or acquaintances who, for a variety of reasons, we cannot or will not simply cut them out of our lives. My mother is a perfect example of this. There are no circumstances under which I will ever cut her out of my life.
When I first began my quest for understanding my own depression, anxiety, insomnia and overall feelings of hopelessness, I had to go way back to figure out where my thought processes started and that, of course, was in childhood. Once I came to the realization that my mother was not a co-victim of my father’s abuse but in fact, a co-abuser, I was extremely angry. During that period of time I learned to distance myself from her, to the point where I sometimes wouldn’t return her calls for weeks. This was as much self-preservation as it was an act of kindness towards her. I recognized that I was dredging up all sorts of pain from the past, that my anger was about things that cannot be changed or fixed, and I didn’t want to completely lose it and unleash all that anger on her in the present. I was working on myself not on blaming her forever.
Before I realized all that, I had a lot of questions for her about different events from my childhood. I asked them of her when I was feeling calm and was not accusatory. I would wait anywhere from several days to several weeks to actually ask the questions that came up in order to be certain that I didn’t start the conversation off in a hostile manner. I was open and honest about why I was asking.
I finally stopped asking due to the manipulative ways in which she would answer these questions. I wasn’t gaining any real insight and was actually feeling much worse about myself and angrier towards her. There are hundreds of examples but the real value in those seemingly pointless conversations was that I learned how to stop being manipulated.
This cooling-off period not only served as a way for me to avoid venting all my pent-up anger at a 64 year old woman for things she did or didn’t do over 20 years ago. It also served as a break from the manipulation game we were still playing. She used many different tactics, I always gave her what she wanted, and then I was left feeling used, pissed off or depressed.
Once we resumed more regular communication, I was more honest and open with her than I had ever been. She seemed to be as well. When I started to recognize a manipulation ploy I would call her on it or simply not respond to it at all. I would either calmly refuse, tell her I’d have to get back to her or sometimes even laugh at the absurdity of whatever she was saying. She learned that I was no longer allowing her to pull the strings. I wasn’t even upset about it. It just wasn’t happening anymore.
She still tries once in a while. The most recent example I can think of involves this blog. She does not like that I write about such personal things, particularly if they have anything to do with her. She is still of the belief that everything should be kept secret and only the false image should be shared with the world. Obviously, I disagree. I have never really felt compelled to explain much to her about why I do this and she rarely acknowledges that she reads it at all if she does. But she does throw in little barbs about how I should be careful about what I write, sometimes requests that I not write about specific things she tells me, and one time suggested I try a different type of writing. Are you ready for this one? Harlequin romance novels.
She set it up well, claiming that my grandmother was the one who suggested it because I’m such a good writer and I could make quite a bit of money from writing these types of novels. As in all good manipulation attempts, there is a grain of truth to it. My grandmother does read Harlequin romance novels. That’s where the truth ends. My grandmother has no idea what a blog is, has never been on the internet and has never read anything I’ve written.
If this conversation had taken place two years ago I would have been enraged. I would have angrily accused her of not understanding me, not supporting me and trying to tell me what to do. She would have become defensive and blatantly criticized me for the things I write about. I’m certain she would have gone so far as to imply or outright tell me that I am intentionally trying to hurt and/or embarrass her as a guilt-tripping tactic.
Instead, since I have learned to ignore this nonsense and do as I please, I calmly and even amicably, called her bluff. I laughed and explained that I have no interest in fiction writing, find writing about personal issues therapeutic and have no intention of stopping. I scoffed at the idea that my grandmother has any clue if I’m a good writer or that she could possibly even know what a blog is or what mine is about.
That was the end of that conversation. She may or may not have been happy with me. I’ll never know. I was happy with the way I responded and since there was no payoff, she did not pursue it again.
It takes two people for a manipulative transaction to be completed. Both people play a part in the game. The manipulator wants something. The target doesn’t want to give it but does so anyway just to avoid the manipulator. In this game the target always loses twice. First, the target gives the manipulator whatever it is they wanted even though the target does not really want to give it. Secondly, the target experiences negative feelings for having given in.
Therein lies the answer to how to deal with a manipulative person that you are not able to completely remove from your life. You stop playing your part in the game. The only reason manipulation works is….well, it works. If the target stops allowing it to work, there is no payoff for the manipulator. The relationship changes dramatically once the payoff is removed.
Thanks for stopping by!
i feel so honored! my comment was the fodder for this feast! thanks for talking about this some. you are right. manipulation can’t happen if there aren’t two people letting it happen. i have definitely learned to stand up to some of it, but in other ways i still fail. emotional manipulation is the hardest for me. the heavy guilt trips to get me to do certain things especially. that one still needs some work.
so do you think people should be called on it or is ignoring it just a good? i ask because when i have mentioned it, all hell breaks loose, they deny it and i am left wondering if it was helpful or hurtful.
thanks for this post. it really was helpful.
consuella´s last blog ..afraid of normal
I think it all depends on how you feel when dealing with these people. If it causes you stress, anger, whatever, to call them out, then why do it? You’re never going to change them, only your reactions to them.
I’ve come to the point where if it doesn’t have any emotional effect on me, I call them out. It’s become so transparent that it’s laughable. As in this instance with my mother claiming my grandmother suggested I write romance novels, I couldn’t resist. It was just so absurd and blatantly untrue it was fun to laugh about it and let her know I was onto her. Even if she had reacted angrily (which she has at other times when I’ve called her out) I simply point out that I’m just doing my own thing, she can’t do anything about it and she can go right on and have her temper tantrum but it isn’t going to change a thing.
Hi Cyndi,
What a great topic and how wonderful that you’ve learned to stand up to your mom’s manipulations. I never got to experience a healthy relationship with my mom, but I did with my father the last 3 years of his life.
Thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving such a thoughtful comment.
blessings,
karen
Karen Walker´s last blog ..Voice of the Muse
I’m the opposite, never managed a healthy relationship with my father but my mom and I do ok these days. Thank you too!
Cyndi, I need to move you in next door to me. Seriously.
LOL – could you imagine the deep dark conversations we’d get into?!
Love this!! {In my opera singing voice}
I always get a bit of pleasure out of LMAO at manipulators and their ridiculous attempts to guilt, shame, or humiliate situations & people. I have radar for them at this point.
Steph´s last blog ..Green Reading
LMAO! I love that I have radar now too.
Fanastic post!
Christina´s last blog ..Cauliflower "Risotto"
My grandmother loved Harlequin Romance novels too. This must make us related somehow, I think.
Thank goodness there are leaders like you who refuse to dance the dysfunctional dance.
Dawn´s last blog ..I am Stardust, I am Golden
Thanks for sharing this wise lesson. My Mom always used to say “it takes two to tango”, she taught me early on that I had to be a willing participant in other peoples mind games. If you don’t play you spoil the motivation of the other person.
while i read things on blogs i dont often respond , but i must say this one hit home, my mother is your mother and ti has been a lifetime of trying to figure out how to live in peace with her especially since i have kids, i too try to ignore the barbs and the manipulation, but at time it still gets under my skin, but you are right the only way to deal with it is to not join in , not engage in it and just remind yourself that is have nothing to do with you but is just their own issue, but it is a trick and sometimes is very hard, and i know now that at her age it will never change so it is up to me to accept her as she is even if she will never truely aaccept me and my life, it is all you can do , just wanted to say you are not alone in this and glad you are finding a way to deal with it
Well, thank you for responding (p.s. we bloggers love and appreciate comments!). I feel for you and hope you can find a way to stop suffering because of your mother. It has difficult and does take a loooooooong time. Thanks so much for your comment, it’s so great to hear I’m not alone.
I dread telling my mom just about anything because she automatically becomes the naysayer. When we put out pool in, at the perfect spot in our yard, she asked “Why didn’t you put it up there?” (which was waaay on the far corner of the yard). I just looked at her like she was nuts. When I told her about our plan to take in a foster child, she says in her negative way, “Why would you want to do THAT?”, like it was something crazy. I called her on it and just said, “Well, that was really supportive” and then she suddenly realized that maybe she was not being appropriate and completely changed her tone.
Some people don’t even REALIZE how ridiculous they are, it’s such a habit for them. Maybe it’s actually our DUTY to call them out on it, and not let the pattern continue.
Les´s last blog ..Halloweenies