Field Of Ignorance
“My colleague told me: “It took a long time, but I finally figured it out. When it comes to men who are romantically interested in you, it’s really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do.” — Randy Pausch
I was watching The Penguins of Madagascar
If you aren’t familiar with this cartoon, the penguins live in the zoo and believe themselves to be some sort of army, patrolling the zoo and making it safe for the children who come to visit. They take their roles very seriously and believe themselves to be quite brilliant, resourceful and in charge. Because they are in fact, not well-versed in the ways of the world, not an actual army, and seriously overestimate their knowledge and abilities, shenanigans frequently ensue. It’s no more or less formulaic than any other kids’ cartoon but there’s some good stuff in there to keep the parents slightly interested too.
This particular episode involved a hornet’s nest and a group of vindictive hornets hell-bent on stinging the crap out of the penguins and their beloved visitors…kids. The penguins failed at every attempt to get rid of the hornets, getting stung repeatedly and ending up in quite a bit of pain. They noticed that their not-so-bright friend, Mort, was stung multiple times but felt no pain. The scientist in the penguin army decided that Mort must have a Field Of Ignorance surrounding him that protects him from feeling pain. He is so clueless that since he is unaware that hornet stings cause pain, he doesn’t feel it.
I thought this was a hilarious metaphor for two different reasons. The first one being the obvious…there are ignorant people out there who simply don’t realize they are not bright, socially inept, fashion-challenged or just plain moronic. It’s not nice to say, but it’s true and you know it. Just check out People Of Walmart for about five minutes and you’ll see what I’m talking about.
The second one is not so funny or so mean. The field of ignorance that we live in called denial. We refuse to acknowledge that which we can’t handle, don’t want to deal with or that simply confuses us. Breaking through this field of ignorance can lead to a much simpler and peaceful life, although the process itself can be excruciatingly painful.
The quote I chose and the overall message of this very long-winded post that started with wisdom I gathered from a cartoon about talking penguins (possibly I have a field of insanity that I haven’t noticed) is really about how to deal with the manipulative people I wrote about in my last post. It may not always be immediately apparent, but I usually do have a point.
Actions speak louder than words. That’s how we can all learn to deal with manipulative people. I myself, choose to get rid of them altogether whenever possible. As I mentioned, I consider them to be a waste of my time. If you must deal with one or more of these game-playing-time-sucking-brats, the best way to deal with them is to ignore what they say and focus on what they do.
Do they say they love you but then repeatedly do things that you have told them you don’t want them to do. For example, say your husband is a manipulative individual. He may say he loves you, you are important to him, blah blah blah, but if he stays out all night, doesn’t tell you where he is, and doesn’t answer his cell phone, are you really that important to him? In this same scenario, I imagine a big old fight would ensue once he did come home. He would have all sorts of excuses and lies (he lost his phone, he was too drunk to drive, he crashed at his buddy’s house who for some reason also had no phone, he didn’t want to wake you, you are a nag, he doesn’t have to explain himself, he did explain himself so just drop it already, you’re overreacting, etc….). All of that is nonsense. The truth is that this is not how a loving husband behaves. You can now remove the field of ignorance he has tried to place around you and focus on the truth. The truth of his actions.
His words are meaningless and time-wasting. What I have found, time and again, is that when someone doesn’t make sense, when their words don’t match their actions, they are either downright lying to cover up something BIG or are simply attempting to manipulate me. Ignoring them and focusing on their behaviors is much more telling and can help you determine if you, like I do, want to just cut them out for good.
Thanks for stopping by!
Love the quote at the beginning!
I will never be the same again after viewing that Walmart site.
And, this type of person is the WORST. I have no tolerance for them, in any form, and usually go out of my way to avoid interacting with them.
Christina´s last blog ..Cauliflower "Risotto"
LOL – I don’t think any of us ever recover from the Walmart pics.
One of my favorite devotionals/meditations is from Melody Beattie’s, The Language of Letting Go. The July 17th meditation titled Love in Words and Action states…
” We can come to expect congruency in behavior from others. We can diminish the impact of words alone and insist that behavior and words match.
We can find the courage, when appropriate,to confront discrepancies in words and actions-not to shame, blame, or find fault, but to help us stay in touch with reality and with our needs.
We can give and receive love where behavior matches one’s words. We deserve to receive and give the best that love has to offer.”
This was one of the those passages I re-read again and again while I was detaching from the N in my life. His main tactic was the assent, verbally agreeing to anything to make the conflict/issue/ go away- yet never following through with the actions. For a while I had this sense that something was not right, but it took time to realize how many promises were empty. Until the realization that I was stuck in an intricately spun web, I battled daily with those thoughts of “How could I not see this?” “This can’t be happening” “There must be something I’m not understanding” “None of this makes sense” etc. In essence accepting responsibility for the actions of another.
Today, I understand more clearly, after several years of deconstructing, that I was being manipulated. My feelings were normal, and my reactions were appropriate for the situation. What a revelation!!
I love Melody Beattie and I was so exactly where you were.
I love this: “We can find the courage, when appropriate,to confront discrepancies in words and actions-not to shame, blame, or find fault, but to help us stay in touch with reality and with our needs.
We can give and receive love where behavior matches one’s words. We deserve to receive and give the best that love has to offer.”
Good for you for separating the BS from the truth!
And BTW…welcome from NC, one of my favorite places!
Thanks! I’m loving the blog and as a new blogger am still trying to figure out why that weird face appears every time i leave a reply. I consider myself much less frazzled these days as compared to that face!
LOL – try creating your own that will follow you wherever you go at http://en.gravatar.com/. Otherwise, each blog will just choose one for you.
manipulative people. oh how i am surrounded by them! so the question is, how do you ignore members of your own family? and i am talking about mom, dad and sister, not my husband…it isn’t like i can choose not to be with them!
consuella´s last blog ..afraid of normal
Well…you just gave me the topic of my next post! Thanks.
Abusers and enablers of the world … hear Cyndi roar.
Dawn´s last blog ..T Minus Marvelous
Cyndi – you are my hero – you were able to write this wonderful post inspired by a cartoon! LOVE IT! This is one of my son’s favorite cartoons and I actually chuckle along quite a bit too.
I have been doing a lot of thinking about my past relationships. Trying to identify my patterns so I can avoid them in future relationships. I seem to be attracted to people that end up sucking the life out of me or give far more than they take.
Your last post on manipulation had me bobbing my yes to every description.
These post have been helpful. Now, if I can steer clear of these personalities.
Tammy´s last blog ..Moving Day!
I, like you, have no problem with completely cutting out a toxic person from my life, at least until they’ve made a noticeable change. But, like Consuella, there are family members one can’t really cut out. Like my mother’s chronic negativity. I know she just can’t help it, and I don’t let it bother me much anymore. I don’t visit her so much, but when I’m with her I try to focus on the nice things she does, like cook dinner for us during tax season.