Manipulation Tactics
“There is something about words. In expert hands, manipulated deftly, they take you prisoner. Wind themselves around your limbs like spider silk, and when you are so enthralled you cannot move, they pierce your skin, enter your blood, numb your thoughts.” – Diane Setterfield
We’ve all used manipulation tactics to get what we’ve wanted from time to time. Most people don’t even realize they’re doing it. It’s become a built-in defense mechanism. Other people, such as my personal favorites (narcissists) not only realize it, they plan it. They use as many as they can in quick succession or even simultaneously in an effort to confuse their target to get what they want. I’ve only come to understand and recognize many of these tactics fairly recently. I’ve had to acknowledge that I’ve used some of them myself.
Dr. George K. Simon, author of In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People
Minimization: This one is possibly the one that has been the most damaging to me. Examples I am familiar with: ”you’re so over-sensitive”, “you’re overreacting” and “why are you making such a big deal out of this”.
Playing The Victim: I’ve written about this myself recently. My father used to pull this card when he realized he crossed the line by telling me about all of his problems, as a way of excusing his own abusive behavior towards me. “Poor me, I had a bad day at work, your mother did this or that to upset me….see how pathetic I am? I’m really a lovely person but I’ve had such a bad day/week/life.”
Vilifying the Victim: Another very familiar tactic. “You are vicious and angry”, “You don’t really care about me”, “What is wrong with you?” and “You act like you hate me” are some of my personal favorites.
Dr. Simon writes about several others and I highly recommend reading them all if you even suspect you are dealing with a chronic manipulator. I sometimes still fall for them and sometimes still use some. I fall for more than I use and I normally catch on pretty quickly these days. Ever since I took a stand, I find myself behaving much differently and it has turned out to be fun ridding myself of these time-sucking individuals. I now refuse to even attempt to reason with a chronic manipulator. It’s a pointless waste of my time and energy.
Thanks for stopping by!
you have NO IDEA how much i LOVE the image you posted! lol. i’m going to save it and use it for posts about my mom!!!!
she´s last blog ..Protected: Feeling Dirty Today
Go on girl! I’m diggin’ this new you!
What about “smoke & mirrors”, or is that like #3. “I will not anwer your direct question, instead I will start talking about something else entirely.” Usually this tactict ends up blaming the non-manipulator in some way. Kind of like: “Yeah? Well this and that happened and that was your fault!”
Stephanie´s last blog ..Green Reading
Wow, please excuse my typos!
Stephanie´s last blog ..Green Reading
I totally agree with She: where did you get that great art??
Using guilt would qualify as number two, right?
Have a great weekend, Cyndi,
@JohnScottSmith
This is exactly what I was looking for Cyndi. Now a couple of questions.
Is it possible for a person to be a narcassist without realizing it?
Is there a fine line between just being flat out selfish & being a narcassist?
Is it possible for a person to be a narcassist without being abusive?
For someone who is invovled with a narcassist, romantically, what is the personality defect that would cause them to continually be attracted to the narcassist?
I am sure I could comb through books & websites to find these answers, but you are my go to specialist on the subject
)
Tammy´s last blog ..Moving Day!
Narcissists rarely realize (or just refuse to admit) that they are narcissists because they believe their own false image and that is the most important thing. To admit to a personality disorder would obliterate all that they have worked to project about themselves. Admitting they are wrong in any way goes against the very fiber of their being. They are perfect, special and unique not sick and twisted (in their own distorted view).
I’m not sure about the selfish/narcissist difference, if there are any. The key to remember about narcissists is that they absolutely use everyone in their lives for the sole purpose of reflecting their image back onto themselves. They have no real emotions and view those of us who do as weak. I think a person can have selfish traits without being completely devoid of emotions or using others on a regular basis.
No, all narcissists are abusive. They may not be physically abusive but they are all psychological abusers.
Being romantically involved with a narcissist does not mean anyone has a defect, but usually prime targets are people who are insecure, unhappy and/or confused. The narcissist appears to fill the void: http://somuchmorethanamom.com/2009/04/12/how-it-feels-to-be-involved-with-a-narcissist/
Steph: Smoke and Mirrors would be Evasion and Diversion: http://counsellingresource.com/features/2009/03/05/evasion-and-diversion/
I probably should have included that one because it is so freakin’ confusing when you don’t recognize it for what it is. They attempt to side-track you by bringing up all sorts of nonsense that have nothing to do with the original topic.
She & John: Feel free to use the art, I found it online myself. I loved it too!
John: Guilt is another one entirely and worked on me for years. I left out so many because Dr. Simon’s posts are so great! Here’s his on Guilt & Shame: http://counsellingresource.com/features/2009/03/05/evasion-and-diversion/
“Side-stepping and misleading: rather than being accountable and responsible, what the issue-dodger and subject-changer really wants is to advance their own agenda at the expense of yours, while simultaneously managing your impression of them.”-Dr. George Simon
Perfectly said!
Stephanie´s last blog ..Green Reading
Yep!
Lovely, one of my all time favorite subjects. Great links too!
Most narcissist folks I have known play the blame game. I secretly think they enjoy this more than anything else. Neither are they capable of answering a direct question. Their subtle shifts in conversation are not so easily detected by those who have little experience with a narcissist personality.
Consequently, I met my ex-narcissist during my mothers illness and death, a vulnerable time of grief and depression. Being duped by a narcissist is not a reflection of your intelligence.
One of my favorite books is Malignant Love. The website http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse.html gave me some much needed insight when I was spun into a web
Great post Cyndi!
Dawn´s last blog ..Halloween Rising
Thanks Dawn! I have read Sam Vaknin myself, can’t stop, like a horrible train-wreck. But be careful…he is one of them and therefore, motivated only by perpetuating his image. In his case, he’s the most honest, best narcissist there is (in his head).
Yes, they do love to blame their target for anything and everything don’t they? And a vulnerable time in your life is a perfect time for one of them to swoop down and confuse the shit out of you. http://counsellingresource.com/features/2009/02/27/blame-game/
Am still analyzing after the reads and the info gathered from here whether i have one around. Certain attributes like the blame-game and playing the victim ring a close bell in my ears.Accepting and digesting facts is so difficult but taking a pretty good stand so far. Thank you Cyndi, do not know how to express all in prose.
Heres a special thank you
from the bottom of my heart
for you, say it all,raw and right
as close possible, real insight
i grow to fight better,’coz of your words
help, pick pieces up and avoid the fall!
Swapna´s last blog ..Shooing stage fear, he sings…
My very own poem?! Thank you so much, I love it! I do not know how to express anything in poetry so I really do appreciate yours.
You’ve also given me the inspiration for my next post.
great post as usual. i love all the links. i mean i think i even have link envy. my posts never have links. but it isn’t my fault that i don’t use links. no one has shown me how. but i am probably overreacting. it’s no big deal. it’s just a link. i always get so dramatic about things that don’t matter. how about those Bears?
consuella´s last blog ..our story
LOL – smart ass! I love it! Those Bears…..causing heartache as usual.
We laughingly (as in nervously laughingly) call my daughter a narcissist quite often. In fact, we’ve made a game of it and lovingly nick named her narci-Nancy. She’s 13. We were all narcissistic when we were 13 and is it a natural part of growing up and figuring out where we fit in with the world? She has many qualities that I think will serve her well as an adult – dogmatic, strong minded and strong willed, tenacious, highly intelligent (has tested as “extraordinarily gifted”), and generally pretty happy. You notice that I left out compassionate, empathetic, sympathetic and such. What is strange is that I actually believe that all of those qualities are actually in her, she just seems to be completely incapable of letting them out to see the light of day very often. I think it’s a defense mechanism that she has developed (against what I have no idea) but she seems to view emotional people as weak. I sometimes think it’s the intelligence thing that keeps her from being able to identify with people’s feelings because she spends most of her time in thoughts that are above most of her peers. Although, my 8 year old son who has tested and performs at an equally “gifted” level is the most compassionate, sympathetic and usually overly empathetic kid you could ever meet. I don’t know, maybe it’s just part of being a teenager. What I do know is that I have been subjected to and victimized by a narcissist in my life and do everything I can everyday to make my daughter understand what she needs to do to make sure to take other people into consideration. Raising these teenagers gets tougher and tougher everyday. I think that technology has been an incredible influence on so many kids become somewhat narcissistic. They can freely throw out insults and degredations into cyber-world and they don’t see the emotional toll it takes. Sort of takes the humanity out of them.
Hi Michelle! I’ve missed your insightful comments.
It’s so interesting to me how kids who grow up in the same households are so completely different. My boys are only 2 years apart and are not at all alike.
Empathy, compassion, etc. are definitely learned, not something we are born with. Two year olds are the most narcissistic people in the world, aren’t they?
Being a teenager is difficult and it’s much cooler to be tough than to show emotions. Crying, for example, is completely unacceptable and opens the door for merciless teasing and even bullying. I would imagine that kids are jealous of kids that are smarter than they are so your daughter may have a target on her back just because of that already.
I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with a narcissist but those of us that have (so many of us, it seems) dealt with them have learned some valuable lessons and it’s great that you’re putting those to use in raising your daughter.
It’s interesting that you mentioned my daughter feeling like she has a target on her back because of the “smarts” thing. Although at home she is always proud to bring home and show her good grades, at school she does everything she can to draw attention away from her academic success. I even heard her lie about failing a test one time because all of her friends were talking about having flunked it and she wanted to be seen as one of them. She even begged and pleaded with us this year not to make her take the advanced placement courses that she was placed into because she doesn’t want to be seen as a nerd or a geek (none of the girls she hangs out with socially are in those classes). It’s amazing that a child would actually want to downgrade their education in order to be accepted by their peers. Teenager years are such a quagmire, it’s amazing that any of us get out with our lives in tact!
No kidding! The desire for conformity and acceptance is first and foremost for teenagers, which is why peer pressure is so effective. It scares the crap out of me with my oldest son being 11.
Does the desire for conformity and acceptance really go away for adults? Or, does it just change? (Doesn’t my lawn look nice every bit as much “for the neighbors” as for myself?) I think that the ways we try and fit in evolves into the ways that lead to “success” whether they be financial or otherwise. How many of your neighbors wear mohawks, or facial piercings? How many used to?
Maybe the key is determining what makes happiness, then what are the group(s) advancing toward that, and they trying to fit in with that group.
Hmm. Can’t work on this comment any longer. Baby crying upstairs.
Talk soon.
JSS
John Scott Smith´s last blog ..Five Insider Secrets on Producing Your Own Mortgage Leads
Sure, there are those who care, and I mean REALLY care about keeping up with the Joneses. I’m about as far away as one can get from keeping up with anyone or conforming to anything so I really don’t understand that need to continue into adulthood. I’m the anti-PTA-mom, don’t care what kind of car I drive as long as it works and it’s not a mini-van, and as long as the grass gets cut on a regular basis, that’s about the extent of how much I care about my lawn. That’s, for me, one of the biggest benefits of being an adult. I can be me. I don’t always know who that is but I know it’s not the conformist.
I suppose if you had a really traumatic experience as a teenager then you wouldn’t move past that and would continue to try to conform (belong, be accepted) at all costs.
I can’t think of any neighbors who wear mohawks or facial piercings but to me, that was just another way of conforming as a teenager. They were just conforming with the “freaks” since they clearly didn’t get picked to be included in the “popular” group. Even now, those kids all look alike, they conform to their own little group, there’s nothing unique about any of it.
Maybe they realized how ridiculous they looked as they matured and stopped trying to conform to the outcasts, and finally started being themselves.
Hope that baby conforms to quiet and sleepy-time for you!
ps. where did you find that image???
she´s last blog ..Last Week to Enter: Ms. Modern’s 20 Days of Halloween Giveaways!
This is a great site that you have here. I’m learning a lot from it. I was wondering if you wanted to exchange links with my site, TheWISDOMWALL.com. We provide inspiration and guidance to millions of people around the world. I think this would be a win/win for both of us. Let’s spread some traffic around.
Let me know if this is possible.
Sincerely,
Jason