Awareness
“Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don’t have to like it… it’s just easier if you do.” — Byron Katie
self-aware: adj. Aware of oneself, including one’s traits, feelings, and behaviors.
After mentioning that I was in pursuit of becoming self-aware in a previous post, two readers (thank you Heather and Dawn!) commented that I should check out Byron Katie. I’ve been listening to her workshops here for the better part of the past 2 days (Thanks again Dawn!). It really is a revolutionary way of thinking and I’ve listened to several of her one-on-one workshops. Many have been obviously life changing for the individuals she is working with. Many have been painful to hear. Extremely painful.
I will not attempt to explain her work as I am a rookie, haven’t read any of her books yet and am still attempting to wrap my brain around it all myself.
Having said that, I have noticed that I find myself attempting to practice her work when I experience a thought, an internal belief or feeling. In some cases, when my belief (or “story” as she calls them) is only slightly painful or slightly annoying to me, it’s fairly easy to reframe my thinking and it absolutely does work in those cases.
Where I’m struggling is when my thoughts provoke a strong emotional reaction. I have to do the actual written work as explained on her site in order to find out if I can work out any of these deeper issues for myself. I haven’t taken the next step to even print out the questions. I’m afraid of what I will uncover.
In the meantime, October is National Breast Cancer Awareness month. What does that even mean? That we should be aware that breast cancer exists? Kills the women we love? Buy more cute pink products with ribbons on them? Or is it more about raising awareness about prevention, such as annual mammograms, frequent self-exams, etc.? I don’t know the answers to these questions.
I do know that I am acutely aware of breast cancer. My friend has been battling it for over 2 years. After countless rounds of chemo, a double mastectomy and significant dietary changes, it still came back and spread to her lungs. The next round of chemo worked for while, shrinking the tumors in her lungs. Then those tumors started growing again so a different round of chemo was started.
Two weeks ago her markers were elevated. At first she was devastated, explaining to me that it meant that her existing tumors had either grown or that the cancer had spread (again). A few days later she found out there could be other factors causing her markers to become elevated. We were both somewhat relieved.
She had her scans yesterday. I knew that she would have the results of the scans today. I asked her to call me as soon as she could once she got the results. Instead I got this text: “It has now spread to my liver.”. I gasped so loudly that my sick son who was sleeping downstairs, heard me and came upstairs to find out what was wrong. He thought I had hurt myself. He was right. Based on my limited knowledge of Byron Katie I understand that she teaches that our only suffering is caused by our own thoughts, our own attachments to beliefs that are not based in reality.
I can write about applying her work to my beliefs and feelings about my friend’s illness. I can’t actually apply it though. I can’t even deal with experiencing the emotions. I can’t even begin to fathom how my friend is dealing with her emotions. She doesn’t want to die. I don’t want her to die. Her children don’t want her die. Her husband, mother, sister, brother and other friends don’t want her to die. None of our wishing is going to make one bit of difference.
She is going to pursue a clinical trial for which she may or may not qualify. There are two possible options for this trial. One is in California and the other is in Pennsylvania (in the same state in which we spent our fabulous spa weekend just a few months ago). As of this afternoon she was waiting to hear back from both of them.
I can’t be aware, on any level, of her feelings, everything that’s running through her head. She’s 40 years old with a toddler and two teen-age twins. They need her. She needs to be there for them. I simply cannot yet apply the quote I chose for this post to her situation. I am attached to the thought that she doesn’t deserve this. That her family doesn’t deserve this. That I will be devastated if I lose my friend. I don’t know if or when I’ll be able to detach from those thoughts.
She and everyone who is close to her is now attached to the expectation that this clinical trial will work. It feels similar to gambling. You go in with high hopes for winning big. The odds are stacked against winning. On the other hand, we hear stories all the time of people beating all odds and making remarkable recoveries after their doctors had said they were all out of options.
All I know for sure is that I am aware that I love her. I am aware that I have not yet even begun to deal with the emotions I feel about her illness. I am aware that I want to be self-aware but am terrified to allow myself those feelings. I am aware that I will experience significant pain on that path. I am aware that my friend has already experienced, and continues to experience pain far more frightening and intense than mine. I am aware that my friend has breast cancer and that I don’t want to lose her. That’s all I can manage today. Which leads to the questions, how is she managing today? How is she supposed to like it and how will that make it easier for her?
Thanks for stopping by!
I’m really deeply touched with this post, the raw emotions within it. The potential of losing those we love, walking beside them as they struggle with life and death is no cake walk. I’ve been there too. Watching, waiting, pacing the floors … hoping for the best. And in this short and miraculous life I have seen people restored to health from grave places while others I love have passed on.
Significant lessons for those of us observers, watching someone fight for their life. And we feel helpless to only stand by the ring, in their corner. Helping them embrace life, today … this is all we can do. It’s the only thing in our hands.
Maybe Carolyn Myss, a medical intuitive and author, would be a good choice for some guidance on this extraordinary journey. If I was your friend, I’d leave for India. I’d explore more eastern healing methods and leave the west behind, I know exactly where I would go.
Everything happens for you or someone you know.
Dawn´s last blog ..Labeling People, a Little Thing I Hate
Cyndi, you are walking through one of the hardest things we have to face in this world. Watching a loved one battle a potentially fatal illness. All the new age, christian, whatever advice goes out the window when emotions are running so high. I can only tell you you are doing yourself a great big favor by writing about it. Writing is what got me through excruciatingly painful life experiences. It doesn’t change anything, but it helped me manage my feelings. Helped me understand what I was experiencing. My thoughts and prayers are with both of you.
Karen
Karen Walker´s last blog ..Assimilating Part 3
Cyndi, I really feel for you and all of the emotions you are going through – it’s hard to be there for those we love when we are in so much pain ourselves. I really really think you should look into EFT. It is merely tapping on acupuncture points while you are experiencing intense emotions, and it helps to dissipate the intensity – there’s no way I can explain it in words, but to say that it does work and please please give it a try. I often use the tapping in conjunction with Byron Katie’s ‘The Work’ I find that tapping while I am asking myself “Is it true?” really helps me get to the truth. Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) at: http://www.emofree.com (If you are interested – some stories of how I’ve used EFT in my life and with my kids in facebook Notes: http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/pages/Petawawa-ON/Cora-Rennie-Natural-Healing-Practitioner/45036770663?ref=ts) And keep wishing/praying – sending your love and positive intentions can never be underestimated…
my best friend also had cancer twice. her mother too.
i learned that the best thing you can do to be a good friend is BE AVAILABLE for whenever she needs you or her family needs you. Leave a message every day saying, I’m thinking about you. Call me if you need me. she may not always want to talk, but it will help her to know you are indeed “there” for her.
she´s last blog ..Answers to Your Questions – Part II
i hardly know what to say. what can one say in the midst of so much grief and uncertainty? i’m glad you are writing about it. i’m glad you are there beside your friend. i know that is an invaluable gift that you have given her. praying for you both.
consuella´s last blog ..so far so good…
Thank you all for your kind words and advice. It is much appreciated.
Words fail to conjure up to express my thoughts. So i would just offer a prayer in silence for your dear friend to give her the strength and more.
It cannot be said more truly than said
“our only suffering is caused by our own thoughts, our own attachments”
And its most important to be self aware..
swapna´s last blog ..Happy Diwali
Oh Cyndi, I’m so sorry to hear this. Sometimes things just suck. Just keep being there for your friend.
Les´s last blog ..R-R-R-Really?
Thanks Cyndi, for this candid, wonderful, loving post. And I’m discovering Katie Byron, also thanks to you.
We will be featuring you and your blog on our fan page:
http://www.facebook.com/clinicaid.
If you have a chance, please drop by and say hello.
Julia,
Well, thank you very much! On my way to your page now…
Posted! http://bit.ly/3c4FpN
(Finally, right?)
Thanks Cyndi.
Julia
Wow. Thank you so much! I’ve passed along your site to my friends as well.