Anger Management
“Anyone can become angry. That is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way – that is not easy.” — Aristotle
As I was reading along about self-worth, I was kind of on auto-pilot. Much of what I was reading was familiar already. Worthy of review but familiar nonetheless. Suddenly within a passage about repressed anger I was snapped out of auto-pilot when I came across the dreaded phrase, “People Pleasers“. Dammit. Not that again.
Breaking out of anger and rage often means having to break those patterns from childhood that said, “You must stuff feelings rather than fully express them.”. Expressing anger will help a person get “unstuck” and be able to go and feel other feelings.
Blocks To Expressing Anger
1. Dependent people are afraid that being angry will prove them unlovable. They are afraid people will reject them or abandon them. They struggle half-heartedly and tend to whine and complain rather than get angry and use that energy constructively to work toward resolution. They waste much energy and often feel depressed and apathetic.
2. Controlling people tend to intellectualize their anger and remove all feelings from it. They confuse the issues, look at every possible perspective and verbalize or avoid instead of feel. They stockpile so much anger that occasionally they vent out irrationally. Their fear of “loss of control” is often justified since they have so little consistent healthy expression.
3. People pleasers are people who often disguise their anger. They hint around about being angry, all the time smiling through clenched teeth. Often, the feelings manifest themselves as physical complaints. Headaches, muscle tension and stomach upsets are all signals of held-in anger.
Since I was in self-awareness mode while reading, I had to re-read this part of the book after I read #3. It sounded like me but I had to go back and make sure I wasn’t just attached to a label that no longer made sense. I re-read #1. That isn’t me. Then I re-read #2. That isn’t me either. What I did realize though, is that #2’s are the people with whom I have the most conflicts. #2’s drive me crazy. This makes sense since I was completely controlled my whole life, first by my parents and then by my own behaviors that I took with me when I left home. I hate being controlled. I want to crawl out of my skin when I feel as if I’m being controlled in any way. Every sentence in that description got under my skin. I can name a dozen people in my life, past or present, that fit into this category and each one elicits a strong emotional response when I even think about my interactions with them.
These days when I encounter controlling people the first thing I do is determine if they may possibly be narcissists. I know narcissists are to be steered clear of at all costs. Once I’ve determined that they are not and are just control freaks, I write them off as such and try not to take their behavior personally. This works fairly well. However, I have to admit that when I’m forced to deal with these people in a way that I don’t want to deal with them, I revert back to people pleasing. Smiling through clenched teeth. I don’t want them to know they’ve gotten under my skin. Why? Because if they know that then they will know that they have succeeded in controlling me and I don’t want to give them that satisfaction.
First of all, this is absurd. It doesn’t really matter if they know it or not. The mere fact that I react so intensely means that I am allowing them to control me in some way. I am basically regressing when I do this. I used to swear I was not going to let my father see me cry and always beat myself up when I did cry. I thought if I could control my outward reaction then I could have some control over the situation and lessen his control over me. It didn’t work then and it doesn’t work now. This is called repetition compulsion.
Secondly, and this is possibly the key to diffusing my strong reaction to controlling people, is the understanding that they have simply learned to stuff their anger in a different way than I have. We are both hiding our “bad” feelings but are going about it in two different ways. They are actually more like me than different from me.
Wow. All this from a tiny little book that I was almost embarrassed to purchase. Stuffing feelings, especially anger….that I can relate to, no matter how it’s done.
Thanks for stopping by!
I am repulsed by people that fit #2 … the word ‘plastic’ comes to mind. The word ‘mask’ comes next. Embrace all of your emotions and live for a change. Say what you want, live how you feel. I can’t pretend I’m not angry, I have no where to put it.
Define the contrasts. Define you make me sick. Define I love you. Coo coo ca choo.
Dawn´s last blog ..I Confess, I’m Obsessed
I know what you mean about #2’s. I am clearly repulsed by them as well. Plastic and mask are good words to describe them.
That’s a good point…define contrasts. That’s good. Define me? No thanks. Coo coo ca choo.
Perhaps the reason you react so intensely isn’t because you are allowing someone to control you (after all, control is an illusion we humans have), but that you deeply believe your thoughts to be true? You think someone is trying to control you and you believe that’s true, so you maybe that’s why you have the intense reaction?
If you’re into self-awareness, I recommend Byron Katie’s books. To me, hers is true self-awareness, not the illusion of awareness of other people’s motives. I find that when I question my angry THOUGHTS instead of attempting to know the unknown (the other person’s thoughts) the anger melts away. That person is trying to control me – is that true? How can that be true since control is an illusion? That person can’t be trying to control me Haha, I just tricked myself again into believing in limitation! See how it works for me? It might not work for you but I’ve found The Work really transforming.
Sorry for the novel comment. I usually try to avoid them.
Heather´s last blog ..Why School Holidays Are Fun
I like long comments, thank you!
I used to be all about attempting to know the other person’s thoughts and motives. I have come far enough to know that’s impossible and useless and that it’s my own thoughts I need to be concerned with. Having said that, I have also learned that certain behaviors in others indicate attempts at control. Manipulation, bullying, etc. I’m also now aware that control is an illusion in that no one can control anyone else without their consent.
Your recommendation seems to take all that I have learned to the next level and I’ve not read Byron Katie so I’ll be making another trip to the bookstore at lunch (poor me).
Thanks for the recommendation!
Great comment Heather … I adore Byron Katie too. The most fabulous compilation of audio (for free) can be found here: http://everypathis.org/
Dawn´s last blog ..My Favorite Truism of the Year
For free?? Thank you!
must you write another post that pertains to me? bad cyndi!
LOL – sorry about that!
this post just pissed me off!
ok just kidding. i didn’t like this part though…because it hit too close to home…
“The mere fact that I react so intensely means that I am allowing them to control me in some way. I am basically regressing when I do this. I used to swear I was not going to let my father see me cry and always beat myself up when I did cry. I thought if I could control my outward reaction then I could have some control over the situation and lessen his control over me. It didn’t work then and it doesn’t work now. ”
yeah that is all i have to say. gonna have to chew on that one for awhile…
consuella´s last blog ..portland anyone?
LOL – well, if it makes you feel any better, it’s too close to home for me too.
I know what you’re saying about not wanting the “controller” to know they got to me. But with a temper like mine? It’s hard. It is satisfying though to not give someone the reaction they’re trying so hard to get from you, and I’m getting better at it.
And…I LOVE the anger management picture.
Les´s last blog ..Our Nobel Leader
LOL – I love the pic too.. It is hard isn’t it?! It’s so tempting to get sucked in and not let them “win”.