What Are You Going To Do About It
“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” — M. Scott Peck
Several years ago, my sister hit a rough spot in her marriage. She talked about her troubles with a co-worker regularly. After listening to her complain and cry for weeks he finally couldn’t take it anymore and stopped her. He told her that he had been listening to the same complaints over and over for too long. He said, “What are you going to do about it?”.
We’ve all been there. We’ve all had a friend or family member or co-worker or someone that seems to constantly be bitching and moaning about some problem that never seems to resolve itself. No amount of talking about it ever seems to make any difference. Nothing ever changes. It’s boring. It’s irritating. It’s frustrating. It’s pointless.
We’ve all been on the other side too. We have some problem, as my sister did, that we feel helpless to solve. So, we talk about it and think about it and obsess about it. No amount of talking about it or thinking about it or obsessing about it ever seems to make any difference. Nothing ever changes. It’s boring. It’s irritating. It’s frustrating. It’s pointless.
In her case, my sister’s husband wasn’t behaving in ways that she thought were acceptable. They argued about it countless times and still….nothing changed. She felt helpless and depressed. We’ve all been there too.
Her friend’s question changed her outlook (and mine) entirely and permanently. He was right! What was she going to do about it? Was she really just going to be miserable and drive everyone else away with her constant complaining for the rest of her life. Or…was she going to do something to stop the insanity and actively participate in solving her own problems.
She figured out what many never do. She did not have the power to change her husband (or anyone else for that matter). She had been clear about what she wanted. She had cried and fought and threatened consequences. He didn’t change a thing. He wasn’t miserable. She was.
She did something about it. She changed her behavior. Instead of threatening consequences, she took action. Things that were unacceptable were no longer accepted.
Guess what happened? He made changes too. Once he realized that there were consequences for his actions, and that she wasn’t just some nag, and that he didn’t want to lose his family, he stopped doing those things that were unacceptable to his wife.
She didn’t know that he was going to do that. All she did know was that she would rather move on with her life than spend it in misery complaining about him. It turned out that he wasn’t particularly proud of his actions either but needed a wake up call to snap him out of his destructive behaviors. Their marriage is stronger today for having gone through this. And it’s all because a very good friend asked her one little question….
What are you going to do about it?
Thanks for stopping by!
I love this. Both how we can only change ourselves (but how it can result in changes in our relationships with others) as well as how we often need a little nudge from an outside observer to help us out. Inspiring.
LOVE this post! I think back to this question often when something is troubling me.
So do I! It’s your story…thank J for me too.
And the heavens opened up and shown a great ray of light. Happy I am to be your friend … dig this FABULOUS post. Instead of bitching about it … go sing in the bathroom.
The acoustics are GREAT
The bitch is back baby!
Aah…once again i read here an experience close to me. Dont know how you do it Cyndi.But its been great coming here to read things that are common across the globe….where ever you are…life share a similar shade.. and reality as it sounds.
“What are you going to do about it?” A question posed a million times to myself..like your sister i too decided to change one step at a time and its so true that it changed…changing things around me too.
Have a great weekend.
dammit that is a good reminder. stop doing that! i am traveling this week for work and i have a friend up here and we have been bitching about some of our marital woes. i just need to shut the hell up. i hate when your posts are so timely!
Hilarious! But, I’m not suggesting that you shut the hell up! Just asking…what are you going to do about it?
I finally said ENOUGH and put an end to it despite how badly I wanted the relationship. OHHHH – but that is the rest of the story that has yet to be told…
Good for you!
What an inspirational post! Thank you!
are you talking to me???? point taken… i don’t know how my therapy team hasn’t screamed at me yet (but i guess i pay them). my friends haven’t either…
i have a very high tolerance level for uncertainty and limbo
all those years of moving around made uncertainty quite normal. and i think made me want stability (even if the stability sucks).
i am fascinated by the parallels between you and your sister, and thrilled that things worked to keep your marriages together
i loved the post…
Thank you. I’m thinking friends wouldn’t scream at you and therapists are happy to take the money. Yes, my sister and I have had similar experiences several years apart, and we are 8 years apart in age too. Luckily, it seems that when her life has been crazy, mine has not and vice versa so we’ve been able to be there for each other and learn a lot in the process.
A woman I used to work with many years ago would torture the rest of us (we were a captive audience in the office) with tales of her husband’s infidelity and abuse, and would go on and on at work with all her troubles and sometimes very inappropriate sexual details. It drove us all crazy because we could see that she was allowing all this to happen and going back for second helpings! We at first tried to talk some sense into her but it was so frustrating when she kept doing the same things over and over. She didn’t really want to change her behavior. She didn’t really want to change her life. In fact, she made it worse by purposely getting pregnant with a third child that her husband definitely didn’t want, thinking she’d trap him into loving her.
Making big decisions like breaking up a marriage do take time and I’m learning to be more supportive and patient. I have to admit, I will never understand why a woman will put up with abuse, but I now know that things are not always black and white. I’m glad you and your sister realized that it’s up to YOU to change the way you respond to the situation.
Funny that you are learning to be more supportive and patient while I am becoming much less so, especially when kids are involved. Neither my sister nor I are married to abusive men but having gone through marital problems with a non-abusive man, and knowing how difficult that was, I can’t imagine ever even considering working things out with an abusive one. It’s not for me or my kids.
abuse is insidious and hard to notice at first. years of therapy and i still can’t believe what has happened within my marriage. it did not feel like abuse to me. only with hindsight am i becoming aware. nothing anyone can say can make you see. you have to see for yourself. denial is powerful. the desire to be loved “like it was in the beginning” VERY powerful.
no one wants abuse. but women are conditioned to work on relationships, would you not agree? when do you know when to stop believing or having faith in someone that they will realize what a mess it is? you keep trying and trying and trying.
not to mention the destruction of one’s self-esteem and confidence, often the taking away of the ability to handle money, work, seek support…. and when there is a family, there is the dream of it working out. and the shame of allowing the things that happened to happen.
this topic was planned for my next post actually. it is impossible to see from the outside in. saying it out loud starts to make it real. but it is impossible to see from the outside in. that is all i can say.
Funny, this is along the lines of the next post I have planned too.
Yes, abuse is insidious and not recognizable at first. I do realize that it sneaks up on women and suddenly they find themselves lost, alone, terrified, etc. I understand all of it on an intellectual level.
Having been the victim of childhood abuse which is even more insidious, confusing, terrifying, etc. I feel worse for the children in abusive households and have come to realize that while I saw my mother as a co-victim as a child, because she was not as overtly abusive as my father, she was in reality a co-abuser herself. She failed to protect her children or set a good example of what a healthy relationship looks like.
Having said all of that, this post is about ANY on-going problem. When I find myself stuck in a rut, complaining about the same thing over and over again, thanks to my sister’s friend, I ask myself, “what are you going to do about it?”. The answer is always either to take action or accept it and look at it from a different point of view.
hey cyndi, i was responding to the other comments, rather than your specific post. and i agree — i have been in plenty of situations where i listen to someone go on and on for years (like my husband about his job for example — 20 years, complaining DAILY, and he just doesn’t look for another job — i don’t get it…). i have changed jobs when it reaches that point. i have fixed other things i don’t like. the marriage thing? for me, this is not an obvious situation with an obvious solution, because there is good and bad, and no family or marriage is perfect (i think EVERYONE can benefit from therapy to process the baggage they come out of their childhoods with). of course, i can only speak for myself.
but i do believe that a woman who has been made unable to care for herself is not able to care for others. and i would bet scores of psychologists would agree.
my dad had some control issues — they were directed more at my mom than at us kids. we were as dysfunctional as any normal family. however, i find myself in my mother’s marriage, and i understand now. i could not ever have otherwise.
I agree that everyone can benefit from therapy, not all marriages are perfect and that there isn’t always an obvious solution.
I know that a woman who has allowed herself to become beaten down to the point of feeling unable to care for herself also feels unable to take care of her kids. I’m sure you’re right that scores of psychologists would agree.
It’s my opinion that if a woman is in an abusive situation with children she has to step up and get help for herself and her kids and stop the cycle that got her into the situation. Playing the victim for years and years just doesn’t do it for me, when there are kids involved, they are the only ones who are truly helpless, not the mother.
okay, don’t want to argue…. i agree that the children are indeed victims in the true sense of the word in such situations.
but i don’t agree with expecting an abused woman to “step up”. “learned helplessness” and “battered women’s syndrome” are real. the effects of abuse psychologically are real, not just felt.
as with all prespectives, mine is influenced by my experiences and yours by yours.
i am off to enjoy my daughter’s 15th birthday — holy cr*p!
Of course they are real, but need to be dealt with, not reveled in or used as an excuse. The feeling of helplessness is irrational (no adult is truly helpless) and with a good therapist can be overcome and major progress made in a reasonable amount of time, provided that the patient puts in the effort with the mindset of doing something about it. Showing up to therapy sessions isn’t enough to effect major changes.
If I can jump in here…….it doesn’t seem like this is a random conversation….but I just can’t bite my tongue anymore. LOL
I also believe, to take this a step further, that while it is not the woman’s/mother’s fault the first time her husband is abusive to her….I personally feel it IS her fault every time after that. Why? Becuase she is there. People treat us the way we ALLOW them to treat us.
Well said.
Great post! I will definitely ask my sentimental friend that question too.
Thanks Jan, and welcome!
Somehow you always know exactly what I need to hear.
Thank you for that.
I believe that that phrase is one of the most powerful phrases in the English language. Every time my sister’s ex “forgets” to send child support – I ask her the same thing. Whenever a friend of mine feels they have been wronged, I ask them the same question.
Great post!
Thank you, and welcome!
eek! feeling a bit bad for lynette. i have never walked in the shoes of the abused before (emotionally or physically) but i have to imagine it must be difficult to see the light when you are being smothered. although i agree with the statement that people treat us the way we allow them too – i tend to think that the power of an abuser is that they attack ones self esteem which once broken down is difficult to rebuild. i think patience and understanding of lynette’s struggle is more effective than blame. (notice i typed in lower case as to be non-confrontational…ahhah!) ;o)
I have walked in the shoes of the abused. As a child. You are right, it is difficult to see the light of day when you are being smothered and are truly completely helpless. The only person who could have stopped it was my mother and she did nothing.
Having said that, I don’t see anyone blaming Lynette for anything. We have a difference of opinion on mothers of abused children.
I understand where you are coming from….and after re-reading my post maybe I was a bit too harsh. Especially since I’ve never had any dealings with her. I just can not feel bad for a mother that allows her children to be subjected to abuse (verbal, physical, sexual, or neglect) as the only other adult -besides the abuser- it is the mother’s obligation to take care of herself and her children.
I have a family member that can not pull herself together enough to even feed her children. I feel sorry for them, not her. She decided to stay in that horrible life. It was her decision. She is too blame. Her children now have a lifetime of struggles ahead of them and *maybe* they can be stronger than their mother and break the cycle. Or, maybe they won’t and they can mess up their own children.
I do know how hard it is. I am living it. I know what is rational and what is not rational and I will protect my children to the end.
You said it. I agree about this family member.
I feel the same way about a former friend in a similar situation.
I feel very strongly about this. I don’t think I will ever feel sympathy for a mother who can watch her children be abused and do nothing about it.
Having said that, this post was not about child abuse (my most recent post is though) or about anyone in the blogging world. It was a story that I wanted to tell about a lesson that was learned regarding taking responsibility for your own life and your own problems.
Sorry……..it was and still is a GREAT post!
No need to apologize, I’m not even sure how it got derailed.