Emotional Eating And Self Protection
“Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.” — Elizabeth Gilbert
I’ve struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. I was a chubby kid, then a constantly dieting teenager. As an adult my weight has been an almost perpetual yo-yo. I lost a lot of weight right before my wedding, promptly got pregnant, got pregnant again, ignored my weight for years, then lost a lot of weight again a few years ago. Now I’ve put some weight back on. I’m not near my heaviest but would love to lose about 20 pounds.
Looking back at pictures of me as a teenager, when I thought I was a huge disgusting cow, I realize I was probably one more diet pill away from an eating disorder. In those pictures I now see that I was thin. I can’t believe I thought I was obese, not just overweight, I seriously thought I was grotesquely fat. I vividly remember taking Dexatrim and No Doze and going as many as 4 days without eating any actual food. I would only drink diet coke or an occasional Slim-Fast shake. The headaches and stomach growling made me feel good, like I was accomplishing something. Fighting off the hunger felt like a victory. I stopped all that after I met hubby (then high school sweetheart) during my junior year of high school and thankfully never went back.
Today I have a realistic view of my body. I don’t see myself as disgustingly obese, even now when I’m not happy with my weight. I want to lose some but don’t think I’m an elephant either. I just really enjoyed being a size 6 and want to get back there.
I’ve read about emotional eating and figured I probably am an emotional eater but never gave it much more thought than that.
Emotional eating: Emotional eating is the practice of consuming large quantities of food — usually “comfort” or junk foods — in response to feelings instead of hunger. Experts estimate that 75% of overeating is caused by emotions.
- medicinenet.com
A few weeks ago, as I was looking longingly at my size 6 jeans, I started to seriously think about emotional eating. I decided to begin asking myself each and every time I went to the fridge, pantry or vending machine if I was actually hungry or not. I noticed that much of the time the answer was no so I stepped away from the food.
This was an important step and a good one. The one thing I didn’t even think to ask myself though was why I was reaching for food when I wasn’t hungry. This came up during the same intense conversation I mentioned a few days ago in my post Did I Really Say That. As a result of that conversation I am going to start trying to figure out what I’m feeling when I get to the fridge, ask myself if I’m really hungry or not and determine that the answer is no. What emotion am I experiencing that I am attempting to avoid by eating?
After pondering that conversation some more I remembered that this was the topic being discussed when I inexplicably said, “Men are scary.“. I was talking about the fact that I have been ignoring myself lately and that one of the things I have stopped doing for myself was working out regularly. I also mentioned that while I enjoy the extra male attention I receive when I’m thin, it makes me nervous too. Why? Apparently because men are scary. That’s how that conversation went.
If you had asked me three weeks ago if I was afraid of men, I would have laughed and said, “No way!”. If you had asked me three weeks ago if I intentionally put on weight in order to avoid male attention because they are scary, I would have thought you were nuts and said, “HELL no!”. Now, I have to seriously consider the possibility that my truthful answers to both of these questions are, “yes” and “yes”.
Yikes.
Reading all of this I can come to the conclusion that as a teenager I had a distorted image of my physical appearance that disappeared when I felt loved by a man. I can also conclude that much of my self-worth is derived from continuing to receive positive male attention but at the same time, that attention scares me. Seriously, Daddy Issues AGAIN?! I need to learn to feel good about myself on my own and that male attention is nothing more than what it is. It’s not that important and certainly nothing to be feared.
Thanks for stopping by!
I’ve always been thin, as a child I was TINY. Ever since moving in w/ Johnny I gained about 20 lbs. and just cannot shake a lot ofthe weight in certain areas. I do the same – look back at pics when I thought I was chunky and now I WISH I could look like that.
But! It’s not just w/ me! A while ago I scanned some really old photos to put on FB. Some of my classmates at the time were teased for being the fat kid, and I remember looking at them and thinking they were HUGE. Like — round, hundreds of pounds kinda kids. Now, I look at them and I think “sheesh” they just had a little baby fat, or were semi-pudgy. Mere sticks next to the overweight kids of today!!
I think maybe as a society we’re kind of becoming “used” to larger and larger people as the norm. When you look at the map of overweight ppl per state, it’s just in a steady increase. As a child my mom wore a size 10/12 and I remember thinking she was pretty big in my eyes, but now 10/12 seems so healthy to me! You’ve seen my pics on FB and I’m like an 8 – not too far from her size after having 2 kids!!
Good points. Maybe teenagers are overly critical of anything less than extremely thin because of all the super models and celebrities teenagers idolize. Conversely, as we get older we realize that those people aren’t healthy or even really that thin (airbrushing, photoshopping, etc.). Size 8 is not at all “heavy” and yes, in your pics you look really thin (I’ve secretly been jealous).
You’re right, that’s only 1 or 2 sizes smaller than your mom.
I’ve thankfully always been pretty average. I’m so short that a little bit looks like a lot, so a year after having the kids, I finally hunkered down and got serious about losing the baby weight. That was four years ago, so the fact that I’m only about 8 lbs. above where I finished then is okay with me.:)
I am really worried about body image with my daughter though. I try to talk positively around her, about both of our bodies. I hope she always feels pride in her body, but I fully realize the day will come when she isn’t happy with it. I think all women go thru that:( And Lord knows I am not looking forward to it….
PS I just read this and went and ate the last few bites of rice that were left from dinner so that I didn’t have to throw it away. I don’t think I’m an emotional eater…I’m more of a frugal eater:)
Frugal eater….hilarious!
This is yet another reason I’m happy I have boys. One less thing to worry about.
I lost a lot of weight about 4 years ago, 75 pounds to be exact. My weight was totally out of control and I so wanted to get pregnant again and I knew it would be unhealthy for me if I did not lose the weight first. I was so happy when I found out I was pregnant, and did work out during the first months of my pregnancy. Then came the news that my father was very ill, he needed 24 hour care and I had to put him in a nursing home, there began my downward spiral. My father and I had a difficult relationship, he had a very difficult time expressing his feelings, and never really took the time to get to know me. I was always reaching out to him, for some sign of approval, love….it never came. I was so angry that this had to happen while I was pregnant, the stress of it all, I had to keep it in check for the baby. I dealt with all the emotions by eating and eating and eating. Watching my father slowly wither away was one of the most difficult times of my life. Fortunately what I felt I needed to say, I said. I hoped he would live long enough to meet his grandson, he died a few months before Max was born. During those difficult months I gained all the weight I had lost right back, and the most difficult part of gaining it back is the comments from people. What happened, you were so thin? Life happened.
Wow, I had no idea you went through all of that with your father. Isn’t it so weird that we seem to have been living parallel, or at least very similar, lives without ever knowing it?!! I’m happy that you got to say what you need to say to him. I never did that. My father was in a nursing home when I was pregnant with my oldest and he died a little over a year after he was born.
I seriously can’t believe anyone was rude enough to comment on your weight!! Yes, life happens and we deal with it the best way we know how. In many cases, that’s emotional eating. It’s so damn self-destructive that people who “care” about us need to realize that making comments about it will probably just lead us back to the freezer for some ice cream because we feel so bad about it! Jerks.
HOLY SHIT!
Ok, first…my HS day: one 8 oz carbonated water + 1 bag of chips + 4 periods of school + 8 hours of work. That’s it. (And, you know I thought I was fat.)
Then, it got out of hand…..mmmmm…..when precisely? Ah yes, the first time a man rejected me. And, at the same time…I knew better. I wasn’t really rejected…it was timing…we were very young…you know who.
Disturbingly, as I am typing this I am realizing….my hubby fell in love with me when I was most out of hand (beer tub). And, here I am post 2 kids and not working a job that is physically demanding…although I’m not near as hard on myself like I was this time last year (post 30Th B-day) but getting a bit sad again……
Thanks for the awareness.
I’m happy you commented because you were NEVER fat. I got all those genes (more proof I’m adopted?)
You’re right, we both react to food/our weight emotionally when men are involved, just in different ways I guess.
I know you aren’t as thin as when you worked the beer tub, but really, you know that wasn’t healthy and there’s no way to maintain that for any length of time without suffering some side effects. To attempt to give you some perspective, people still ask me all the time if you ever eat because you are so thin. My friends comment on how thin you always have been, and still are, every time they see you. I usually respond with something like, “Yes, she eats anything she wants, always has. Bitch.”
You look great, for any age!
ahh weight. i’m a bit obsessed with the topic. maybe i will have to post about that in the near future. i will say that i had a big victory last night. i too have been dieting. i weigh more now than ever have not pregnant. so a week ago i went on a diet. the hardest part for me is eating well when i eat out. i tend to say “to hell with it, this is a special night, eat what you want.” as you can guess, that doesn’t work out so well. last night, i went to Chili’s and thanks to this website, http://eatthis.womenshealthmag.com/home, i made a good menu choice. it was hard not to order the chips and salsa. it was hard to not eat the fries that i forgot to substitute with veggies. but dammit i did it! it has to be possible, right?
I do the same things in restaurants. It’s a night out….I deserve it…whatever. I completely disagree with diets. They set us up to fail. We immediately feel as if we are depriving ourselves of something and then “bad” food becomes a reward. It’s just food. I think the keys are… 1. making healthier choices 2. portion control and 3. exercise. The last time I lost a lot of weight, I was on a mission, very motivated. I worked out 4-6 days per week. I ate mostly salads, even in restaurants. I stopped eating when I was full. If I was at a party, I tried to fill up on veggies but had a few bites of the “bad stuff”, just enough to feel like I got a treat but not an entire piece of chocolate cake. It’s definitely possible, I’ve done it many times in my life. It’s the emotional crap that stops me from keeping the weight off.
This is what sucks. When I was a teenager, it was not so “cool” to be super skinny, which I was at the time. I was a little flat-chested toothpick and ate like a cow. I yearned to have some curves like the more desired girls in our class, and sometimes got teased for how skinny I was.
Now, I can’t lose the extra 15 pounds that age and hormones have tacked on to save my soul. Of course, I don’t try all that hard. I still eat like a cow, and I love the TASTE of food. I try to offset it with a little extra exercise, but of course I often run out of time or energy to exercise like I should. Then, even if I do go for a run, I say to myself that now I can indulge in an extra helping of ice cream or nachos.
I hate to burst your bubble, Cyndi, but boys can have body dysmorphic images, too. I will never write about it on my blog, but it happens. They see themselves as small and skinny when in reality they are huge muscular hunks always trying to get bigger. It’s scary, especially when they go to great lengths to add extra bulk. Let’s just say that sometimes bullying in school by jealous little a-holes can bring this on, so keep your eyes open.
Thanks for the heads-up Les. I never thought about it but it makes sense. Boys want to be all tough looking, don’t they? Ugh. I’m in such unchartered water raising boys because I only had a sister. Since you won’t blog about it (dammit), I will now have to research this on my own and blog about it myself. My oldest (the one that was bullied on the 2nd day of middle school) is a little small for his age and extremely sensitive so I can see how he could fall into this. And for the record, when I am living a bubble of any sort, I WANT someone to burst it!
I just don’t want to invade his privacy and I know some of his friends read my blog. Body dysmorphia is not as common in boys as in girls, but growing up, I knew a boy with anorexia and like I said, some boys are overly concerned about looking big and will be over-obsessed with working out and even trying dangerous bulking up supplements. And of course young people don’t look ahead and realize how dangerous these supplements can be and that they may shorten their lives. They think they’ll live forever and that their stupid parents know nothing.
My son is a sweet sensitive person who was always cute and had the girls after him, even though he didn’t actively pursue them. And some of the less fortunate boys didn’t like that, so they would push him around when the teachers were not looking. I guess feeling powerless when pushed around by a group of low-life jerks made him feel the need to get bigger and stronger, but it got out of control. I urge all schools to do what they can to eliminate bullying, and parents should take it seriously, also. I know you do, Cyndi.
I completely understand. No need to embarrass your son, I was just giving you crap.
Yes, our little bully has not been a problem at all since he was busted on camera and dealt with appropriately by the school. The principal said, “no one messes with my sixth graders.” and I almost hugged her. So far, so good.
Hi Cyndi,
I was and is still pretty good at emotional eating (shame on me!) but then i really had to start somewhere to control. So here am, ever since your post on “smoking” (hope you are still at it 
) i’ve been kinda controlling myself. Not that i do any major workouts but i do control my portions esp dinner….well it seems to be showing results but really slow though.
This subject i guess is close to many a heart
Thanks for posting on this.As always enjoy reading your posts.
i’m in a similar boat as you, except i don’t eat much & my body holds onto every ounce of fat for dear life.
i’m afraid to look good and have men look at me because i’m afraid of men. all men. except my dad and my brother.