Did I Really Say That
“Maybe everybody in the whole damn world’s scared of each other.” — John Steinbeck
In my last post I mentioned an intense conversation that I was involved in last week during which I had some disturbing revelations. It was a deep conversation. I was being probed and challenged. I was sort of free associating in order to keep up with the rapid-fire pace of the conversation. It’s kind of a blur now. I may remember more details as I continue to ponder that conversation.
In the meantime, I do remember one thing I said. One sentence. I don’t remember the questions leading up to what I said, including the exact question to which I was responding when I said, “Men are scary.”.
Yes, you read that correctly. Men. Are. Scary.
I’ve never said that in my life. I don’t recall ever even thinking it. I believe this is exactly the sort of thing that Carl Jung
I don’t feel scared when I meet men or when I’m in the company of men. In fact, more often than not at parties I am more likely to be debating religion or politics with the guys than discussing PTA goings-on or other mom-stuff with women.
Nonetheless, those words came straight from my brain and out of my mouth. I’ve been giving this a lot of thought. I have a lot of male acquaintances through work and my kids’ activities, but no close male friends. The last man whom I considered to be a close friend turned out to be….well, not who I thought he was.
Looking back, I’ve had very few close male friends. There was a “man” I was close to in my early twenties. That turned into a romantic relationship. Hubby and I were not married and on one of our many breaks at the time and I dated this friend briefly. It turned out that he wasn’t who I thought he was either. The reason I bring him up is that, although we were on a break, hubby was not happy that I was dating him and asked me why. My response? “He’s nice to me.”.
That was all it took. Nice. He turned out to be not so nice but that’s not the point. The point is that my expectations of men (or expectations of how I deserved be treated) were so low that all it took was the appearance of “nice” and I was hooked, not romantically anymore of course, but still hooked into friendship. Until proven otherwise, and I mean with huge big neon signs, if a man appears to be nice then that’s pretty much all it takes for me to consider him a friend. Mostly I just keep them all at a comfortable distance. They are acquaintances, co-workers, neighbors, etc. but not close friends. Men rarely penetrate the protective wall I have unknowingly built.
Even with the most recent man who I considered to be a close friend, it took two years for me to truly open up and feel comfortable with him. I believe it’s because deep down I feel, like I said…Men. Are. Scary.
This revelation is so shocking to me because of the way I actually react when a man truly is behaving in an abusive or aggressive manner. I don’t run, hide, cry or cower. I fight back. If I even hear of a man behaving in an abusive or aggressive manner towards someone else, I secretly wish he would pull that crap on me or even in front of me so I can let him have it. That fight or flight response? I used to pick flight at first, avoiding conflict at all costs. Once I was forced into a confrontation and felt threatened, I was all fight. I still am.
Clearly this is a result of my father’s abuse and my subsequent daddy issues. I grew up with a big, loud, abusive, narcissistic, seemingly all-powerful father. It only makes sense that combined with the men who I’ve known who have not been so nice, that I would have this deep-seeded unconscious fear of the entire male gender. Sad. But true.
Hubby is different. Despite our many ups and downs, he truly is one of the good ones. I feel safe. We’ve both done and said things that caused each other pain and almost resulted in divorce. Having said that, I have to wonder now how much of that was a result of my underlying belief that men are scary and my instinct to fight.
More on this next time…
Thanks for stopping by!
oh wow, you pulled a “to be continued”!!
what an amazing thing to have pop out hanging in the air, but so good to know that it is still hanging in your mind.
i know what you mean about the “nice” thing. i went through a time like that in middle/high school. but it passed when my hormones calmed down, because at home i had a dad who thought a boy had be pret-ty darn amazingly wonderful to have anything to do with the likes of me.
now you have the best chance in the world to change your perspective. look at your sons — are THEY scary? i have a son, and when watching him and his buddies i wonder sometimes how they get to be grown men, allegedly running businesses and governments and armies. but he is a wonderful lesson to me in men and where they come from — previously it was only something i could imagine
i have a few wonderful male friends and when men are “demystified”, they are not too scary
that being said, if my current marriage ends, i am never ever getting married again.
i can’t wait to hear the rest
Honestly, the post was just too long already, but I guess I did pull a to be continued!
Good point, my boys are not scary at all.
It’s difficult to explain but they don’t seem scary at all to me, not when I meet them, not even as I get to know them, but somewhere in the back of my head is always the idea that I’m being fooled or that they are not who I think they are. I think in some instances I’ve overlooked serious red flags because I just couldn’t believe “nice” men could be so not nice, while at the same time expecting them to not be so nice.
No matter what, having such a skewed view of an entire gender based basically on one man, has definitely affected who I’ve befriended and how I’ve perceived hubby and his actions at times.
I don’t think I’d get married again either. Thank God I didn’t end up divorced and out in the dating world last year. I can’t even imagine the creeps I would have fallen for!!
To me, men aren’t scary just because I see them as such uncomplicated beings. You pretty much know exactly what they want, what motivates them, and how to make them forget about anything else. Yeah, it’s pretty much that one thing…with a few other things thrown in, of course. I know this sounds kind of mean and sexist–but just ask them. Most will admit it. Oh, and they also want to feel needed and appreciated. That’s it, folks.
This is a much healthier, and realistic, view of most men. Unfortunately, the few I’ve known well have not been anywhere close to normal, hence my fears.
I love glimmers into the psyche … I am stopping back for sure. Planted a seed that will grow through the day. Did you know your website is experiencing a funk … not that it matters. It’s the content that matters.
Yes, the “upgrade” I did was an epic FAIL due to my lack of technical experience. I’m working with tech. support.
in college i had more guy friends than girl friends. now, after everything that’s happened, i don’t have any close guy friends. i am scared of men. i won’t even get into the elevator at work if it’s just me & one other guy.
Hi Cyndi,
Wanted to stop over and thank you for visiting my blog and for your comment. It is amazing to me how connections are made through blogging and how similar in some respects, we all are. Men were scary to me as well for many years. I had a poor “picker.” My Dad was verbally abusive and so I grew up used to being treated badly. I had no idea what being loved felt or looked like. Now that I’m older, and presumably wiser, and living life consciously, not on automatic pilot, I recognize the warning signals much sooner and stay clear. This is a wonderful insight, Cyndi, and one that will keep revealing itself to you as you open more and more.
Karen
Karen
Thank you Karen, and welcome!
I began writing a comment late last night … in my state of barely functioning beyond tired mind. Now reading it, I’m realizing I may have a future post instead.
I totally dig the cool confidence Les has regarding men. For now, ditto to what Karen said
I’m familiar with what she said to the ninth degree.