The Most Unfortunate Event
“People aren’t either wicked or noble. They’re like chef’s salads, with good things and bad things chopped and mixed together in a vinaigrette of confusion and conflict.” – Lemony Snicket
Astute reader Tammy, at A Moment In Time, noticed something I wrote in my last post about not having been a people-pleaser in my early 20’s. She asked how I came to be one later in life, as I have written about on many occasions.
I haven’t written about what I believe led me to become a people-pleasing, insecure codependent before for a few reasons. One reason is that I don’t want to hurt or embarrass hubby. I did ask what he thought about me writing this and he was ok with it. I hadn’t really thought about it before but the main reason is shame. I am ashamed and afraid I will be judged. Once I realized that I knew I had to write about it. One of the main things I like about this blog is writing about things that we aren’t supposed to talk about. Getting these things out into the open releases the shame I feel about them.
Hubby and I got married when I was 27. And we lived happily ever after. The End. 
Hubby wanted to have kids right away because he was 30 and didn’t want to be an “old” dad. I wanted to wait a year, see how we worked together as a married couple first. This is significant because if I hadn’t agreed to get pregnant right away, we would have been divorced before our first anniversary and I wouldn’t have either of my beautiful sons today.
I got pregnant within 4 months of our wedding day. Hubby didn’t take the news well. In fact, he looked at me like a deer in headlights when I came running up the stairs, positive pregnancy test in hand to announce the big news. He feigned excitement, and explained his odd reaction to getting exactly what he wanted by saying he was just shocked. This was my first clue. Shocked about me getting pregnant when it had been discussed at length and we had been trying for four months? It bothered me but I brushed it off. I had more important things to think about. I was pregnant and couldn’t wait to tell everyone at Christmas. He wanted to wait to tell everyone. He had no good reason why. That was my second clue. I brushed that off too.
My third clue came not too long after that when I found a picture of a woman in his wallet. I had never looked in his wallet before and can’t remember exactly why I did it. Obviously my bullshit radar had been alerted, possibly just by my first two clues. He said he had just thrown the picture in there to be polite when a woman he worked with handed one out to everyone at work. Ok, and I have a bridge I’d like to sell you.
I will spare you (and me and hubby) all of the gorey specifics. We went over and over and over, in excrutiating detail, all of the lies and pain of that affair for 10 years and I finally came to terms with it in marriage counseling during our separation last year. More than 10 years after the fact, I have finally forgiven him. He has done everything right in proving that it will never happen again and I even understand why he did it.
Upon obtaining confirmation of the affair, I asked him to leave. I couldn’t spend a single night in the same house with a cheater. That left me alone and pregnant. I cannot explain in mere words the amount of rage and pain that seemed to consume me on a regular basis. I barely functioned at work and am still surprised that I didn’t get fired. I wanted revenge. I wanted to cheat right back. I couldn’t. I was pregnant. I wanted a divorce. Immediately. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I was not a doormat then. No one was going to insist that I get pregnant and cheat on me within months of our wedding day and get away with it. But I couldn’t get a divorce. I was too scared. I was pregnant. Had I not been pregnant, I would have slept with every one of his friends, relatives and co-workers, shown him the pictures to prove it, served him with divorce papers and never looked back. The sheer terror of being pregnant and alone stopped me. I listened when he said he was sorry, it would never happen again and he wanted to come home.
We bought our first house and the baby was born shortly thereafter. This marked the beginning of the end of my entire identity. I withdrew into a shell of the feisty, outspoken, confident person that I once was. I put on my happy face and went on with my life. I distracted myself with my beautiful baby boy. Two years later we had another beautiful baby boy. Life went on. I pretended everything was normal, that everything was ok, just like when I was growing up.
I took it personally and apparently vowed that I would be better. I would be perfect. It must have been my fault. I wasn’t good enough, attractive enough, whatever enough. I would be vigilant. I would treat him like I treated my father growing up, and for similar reasons. I would do more, be more, anticipate his needs, fulfill them and then do even more, to make sure he never wanted to cheat again. Just like I had done to make sure my father didn’t erupt into an abusive rage.
I brought it up during arguments throughout the 10 years before I finally became aware of what I had become. He always felt guilty. I always asked questions. He always apologized. I always cried. He always tried to explain that it was a horrible mistake that he would take back if he could. I always wanted to know why he did it.
Finally, in marriage counseling last year I got all my answers. Why he did it? It had nothing to do with me. He truly had gone above and beyond in attempting to regain my trust and repairing our relationship. I was the only one keeping this 10 year old mistake alive. Me. It wasn’t about me at all but I made it about me for 10 years. The relief I felt when our marriage counselor finally got this through my thick head was almost palpable in the room. I wasn’t defective! I didn’t have to do everything anymore to keep him from doing it again. I was free.
So, that it is how and why I became a people-pleasing codependent at age 28 and stayed in that role until I almost cracked under all of the self-inflicted pressure when I was 38. I can’t guarantee that he won’t ever stray again. I don’t think he will, but I can’t control anything he does, no matter how fabulous I may be. I do know that if he does, I’ll be ok. I’m not sure he’ll be ok, but I’ll be ok.
Thanks for stopping by!
I often wonder why people choose to take on the responsibility of another’s sins. Is it a way to protect ourselves from the reality of the truth behind their actions? Or maybe it’s just a way to try to exert some amount of control over a situation that we won’t ever have the ability to control? I’m so impressed with you that you were able to get the kind of clarity over this situation that you obviously have. I know 10 years seems like it took too long to get there, but some people never do. It really is a testament to your ability and desire to heal. When you were mentioning the clues that you “missed” it gave me the thought of how amazing it is that we ignore clues and indicators in a situation when we intuit that they will lead to a conclusion we don’t like. I think the tendency comes out of a primordial self preservation thing, but since it ultimately backfires and often rocks our world to it’s foundation, how successful is that tendency afterall. Hmmm, maybe that will be one of those Darwinian traits that eventually gets bred out of the human race
I also took note about what you said about how you just assumed that your husband’s bad behavior was because of some inadequacy in you, just like you perceived your father’s behavior towards you. I am also the child of neglectful abusive parents and I know that things that still ring in my head about my childhood affect how I feel about myself today. It scares me so much with my own kids because I know how much everything we do with our children affects them over the long run. It drives my husband crazy how much I micromanage everything we do and say to our children but I am just so determined to make sure that they never look back on any part of their childhood with anything but a positive feeling.
In my case, I took on the responsibility because that’s all I knew. Once those old familiar feelings of not being good enough kicked in, I immediately regressed to behavior I learned growing up in an abusive situation, in which I was never good enough and was responsible for keeping the peace. This event was a trigger for my regression. Yep, those clues were ignored for a time because they didn’t make sense and it was much more fun to focus on my pregnancy. I didn’t want to think the worst, even though the worst was actually the truth.
I feel the same way about raising my kids. I’m so careful with them so as to not completely f— them up. I’m sure they’ll end up blaming me for something anyway.
Wow, that was quite the story. Thank-you for sharing this, it will be valuable for many to read and may provide insight into their own behavior. It took courage to write this just as it took courage to “get it” to understand your role and responsibility in who you allowed yourself to become. I applaud you!
Thank you so much Mark.
I applaud this post and this moment, and all the steps leading to it. Beautiful like a bright shining star.
When thoughts lead to being “so determined to make sure that they never look back on any part of their childhood with anything but a positive feeling …” this is a codependent trait, keeps us mired in unhealthy marriages that are fertile ground for people pleasers … though it goes unrecognized again and again and leads to denial of our own self.
How happy I am you succeeded through the trials and the tribulations of looking at your self squarely in the eye … without that ability, you cannot face another with the truth about anything. I salute the strength you vibrate through the whole universe.
More later, the subject is so ripe and timely.
Wanting the best for our children is not codependency and is actually an expression of our true self – not a denial of it. Our true selves as mothers is to want to raise our children in an enviornment that fosters happiness by providing structure and safety and love for them. I know that we can’t protect them and give them a flawless childhood all the time – that wouldn’t be good for them anyway. But it is absolutely not a codependent trait to want to keep our children happy. Your assessment that wanting a happy childhood for my children is being “codependent” is disturbing and telling. And my marriage is quite stable and loving, thank you very much – full of healthy give and take. But thanks for your concern even though my comment wasn’t about marriage it was about children.
Dear Cindy…Am so glad that you have your two beautiful sons.Your strenghth is such an eye opener for others. May more happiness shower your way, keeping you two and yours two fine in every way!
Cheers
you and i are so darn alike. it’s eerie.
I owe you a story! Thank you for sharing.
I have always thought the strength in a persons character is determined by what they can forgive. Forgiveness is something I am still working on!
You have been a big slacker on your blog lately come to think of it! Forgiveness is extremely difficult for me. Revenge is easier. Give it another 10 years.
Slacker???? hahaahah Yep, your right. The tuff stuff is too tuff…the shallow stuff is read by too many people….plus, I have been busy busy busy. I will get crackalackin!
Cyndi, I’m a relative newcomer to your blog, and absolutely love reading your posts. You help us all ‘go there’. With this one, I just wanted to point out how the situation with your husband allowed you to heal some of those issues from your childhood… it’s not just about forgiving him, is it? but your father also, and perhaps other male figures in your life. And as far as not f**ing up our children, I think probably the best we can do is continue to heal ourselves.
Thanks.
You’re absolutely right, and I hadn’t even thought about it. Drawing the parallels between this situation and how I dealt with my father, and really any other male figure in my life have taught me a great deal about myself.
I worked for a man last year for 3 weeks. I couldn’t stand him. It got so bad that by the third week I was driving home crying and very near a panic attack. He was in a position of authority and was a micro-managing jerk. His dismissive and unappreciative attitude towards me was absolutely intolerable. I wonder if I’d do better with someone like him these days.
Thanks for the insightful comments and kind words!
wow, cyndi, that is quite a tale, and i applaud you for having the chutzpah to share it. quite a journey for the two of you, but it sounds like you are both happy you made it through it, and along the way you have been able to explore and come to terms with crap that never would have come to light otherwise, perhaps.
i was always curious about what exactly was the crisis that propelled you and your husband into separation. and now i know. you come across a wonderful, gutsy, outspoken, classy lady. you may have mushed things down during those years, but i am betting that you have two young boys who are loved to pieces. and you found your voice free and clear.
i am truly happy for you.
Well, thank you very much Lynette. There was actually a lot more to it than this that led to our separation last year. I’m not sure how he’d feel about me blogging about the details since it’s much more recent. However, this one thing that I held onto for 10 years was obviously a big part of it.
It’s true, there are many things that would never have transpired had this not played out the way it did. If I had found out before I got pregnant, I wouldn’t have my sons, who knows who I would have married, and who knows how I would have ended up today.
I spent a long time thinking of myself as a victim, I’d even say martyr because of his affair. Taking responsibility for my own choices and reactions was tough, very tough, but well worth it.
The determination to see that our children have only positive experiences in their childhood, it’s NOT a bad thing … it is the number one reason why women choose to behave in ways that don’t serve us, our marriage or our children. Pleasing everyone is a slow decay. Wanting everyone to like us, to be happy or having peace in the house no matter what the price … geesh, I’ve been there too. (exhausted myself)
Reversing this condition is truly a matter of self responsibility. (versus avoiding responsibility, denial, or whatever!) When I notice I am avoiding personal responsibility I need a shift in my attitude. (NOT always easy)
While I cannot be held responsible for the choices others have made and which have influenced my life, I am responsible for my reactions and responses to their choices.
Acknowledging that I am where I am because of my own choices, my own deep-seated emotional make-up, and my own complex history, I take full responsibility for who and what I am.
This one is really hard: remove my focus from others and what others may or may not have done, and consider my role, say what I need to, and pay attention to my part in how things develop in my life. (the buck stops here)
It’s not easy to see the role we play in relationships with others, it’s hard work, worthwhile and yes … it leads to freedom. This post touched me really BIG today. It’s a story of two people who accepted personal responsibility … and damn, I love it when things end on such a happy note.
So very well said Dawn. I was the queen of blaming others for many years, hubby in particular, even though he took full responsibility for it all. While I didn’t have any responsibility in what he chose to do, and what he did choose to do was not in his best interests or mine, he didn’t do anything TO me. That was how I saw it all those years, that he did something TO me.
It’s extremely tough to change this victim type of thinking, or any other type of thinking about yourself. No one wants to admit that they caused the vast majority of their own problems by their own reactions to others’ behaviors. Having said that, once I was able to wrap my brain around the concept that “the buck stops here”, it was actually liberating and nowhere near as painful as living in the dark about this had been.
You don’t even listen to what you are saying to see how contradictory you are, Dawn. You begin by saying that wanting only good things for our children is a good thing but in the very next sentence you say that this leads us to behave in ways that are bad for said kids, ourselves and our marriages!
You are so overblown and overrun with ego and platitudes that you don’t take the time to live in the here and now. Don’t judge me until you look at the mess you’ve made of your life. My children are happy and healthy and my marriage is stable thanks to the choices I’ve made. Where are you based on the choices you made?
This feels much like overhearing an argument between your parents in which you were confused because you didn’t fully understand what the argument was about since they may have hidden the beginning of the argument from you but then it escalated to yelling so you then hear the end of the argument without any background. I’ve tried not to even acknowledge the comments that didn’t relate to this post or others but now I’m thinking you both seem to have some things you want to say. From what I’ve read, it appears that Michelle abruptly ended your friendship and Dawn doesn’t know why. I’m not going to take sides but may I suggest some direct communication, as in, an explanation as to what specifically Dawn did or said that led to Michelle’s silence?
You’re right Cyndi. Sorry.
No need to apologize, it’s just hard to follow for those of us trying to read along.
There is no reason that I or anyone else be made to feel abashed by mistakes or ignorance. I know very little beyond my own experiences in this life and I do come here to learn more from everyone that shares insight. I do not wish to cause hurt feelings, it’s okay if I am not understood, I do care to know if I upset others and why. It helps me grow. I care what Michelle feels, I care what she thinks. I’ve only known her as a friend for a short while and there may be a very good explanation lying underneath this silence, this sadness that I sense. She’s a beautiful person and I love her dearly. That will never change.
i probably should keep my face out of it, but since the post is about good and bad and responsibility and relationships…. and since i am an opinionated nudge, and i care about quite a few of the women talking on here, forgive me for expressing an opinion now.
i know nothing of the circumstances, at all. but i am an impartial observer here. and i find it interesting how this discourse, opinionated as it may be, gives the impression to one and/or the other of judgment being passed, rather than a personal perspective without judgment. in cyndi’s post, she expressed the concept of accepting her responsibility for her reaction, her perception, of a set of circumstances. that it was not him that was the problem any longer, but her reaction to it. a lesson in there?
i just wrote a post about friends, and women (not to promote myself or anything). and i mentioned that i have been both a stay-at-home mom (6 years) and a full-time working mom (now for 8 years). i never questioned other women’s choices. i only knew which choices were right for me at which time, and the reasons underlying those choices were personal and might not have suited anyone but me.
we women can be so hard on each other…. why is that, when we can find such strength in one another?
I, for one, absolutely appreciate you chiming in. I appreciate all comments, and especially from those of you who I feel I have come to “know”. You, Dawn and Michelle are all included in that group. You all add so much to my blog and to other blogs that we all seem to frequent. It feels like a little community of strong women, who don’t always agree, but who can disagree and still laugh at some disgusting thing my dad used to make for dinner or bird poop on a car or fantasize about a road trip in a bright red convertible (and booze, did I mention booze).
I don’t know the circumstances either and I understand if whatever the issues are cannot be resolved, but it does make me a little sad, I have to admit. We have all found such common ground, have all shared such intimate details of our lives and I hope we can all continue to be our own little support group, disagreements and all.
And for god’s sake, if you are going to mention a timely post, include a link: http://lynetteb.wordpress.com/2009/09/10/making-friends-being-a-mom/
Cyndi:
I actually read this post yesterday, and although I try to always comment in a timely fashion, I had to step back on this and not type my first instinct. My first instinct,of course, was to immediately buck up and say, “Are you fucking kidding me!??? Let me at him!! How DARE he do that to you!!???”. But then, I realized, that I had no right to be angry, especially since YOU had reached a point where you could forgive. I just hurt for you. Reading this put such a clench in my stomach. A tear in my eye. It pained me so much to just READ it, I can’t imagine the pain you felt LIVING it. And all I can say to that is this: I’m so sorry. I’m so unhappy that you went through this. But I do agree with your decision (and envy your ability) to forgive. I do believe that everyone makes mistakes – albeit some much larger than others- but who I am to judge? I’m just happy that you’ve reached a peace about the situation, and that you guys have found happiness in your marriage. Because, really, isn’t that what it’s all about? If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times, but once again– there’s no day but today. And I’m so proud of you, and amazed by you, and your decision to live in your today and not the past.
Hugs!
jess
Finally! I was so shocked that no one was pissed off about this. I suspect that everyone is just being nice. If the post were about the same topic but the result was that I did leave and got some spectacular revenge, I’ll bet everyone would have been much more honest.
Believe me, “Are you fucking kidding me!???” and “How dare he…?!!!” were exactly my thoughts at the time, and for a long time after. I have told him about a million and a half times that he is damn lucky I was pregnant and felt so terrified because had I not been, he would have been long gone. I am not normally someone who forgives betrayal and lies. I guess that’s obvious since it took 10 years and a miracle-worker of a marriage counselor to get me there.
Thank you for being honest and for being pissed off for me, and for all your kind words too. I just love my bloggy friends.
…but what place would it be of any of us to cast our judgement on a situation that you & your husband have already resolved?
Oh, I’m not looking for judgment, believe me. I kept that a secret from most people just to avoid judgment! I just expected more outrage about what he did, not about my decision to or reasons for staying with him. Most women I know swear they would never forgive a cheater. I used to be one of those women.
cyndi, you’re great! thanks for the link
i agree, we have all gotten to know each other pretty well, as dawn put it “from the inside out”. i adore you all, differences and everything… in fact, if it were not for some of those disagreements, i would not have gained as much insight and understanding as i have.
putting myself out there on my blog and finding our “support group” has been amazing…
Lynette you hit the nail on the head – but probably not in the exact direction you meant to
You said the conversation between Dawn and I “gives the impression to one and/or the other of judgment being passed, rather than a personal perspective without judgment.” I think it is so hard for people (especially us touchy-feely, mushy female types) to express a thought or opinion in a way as to not make it seem like you are thrashing the other person’s belief systems. There is definitely an art to putting everything on the table in a way that doesn’t make you seem overly pious or sanctimonious. Some people haven’t learned this art. What I just love about Cyndi’s blog is that she does know how to put the tough stuff out there (bare emotions and all) without making it seem like she is dropping a nuclear bomb on anyone who may not agree with her. Dawn just drops nuclear opinionated bombs. Not productive or healing. The worst part is, she doesn’t even see that she does it. Would it be more helpful of me to have pointed these “bombs” out to her? Probably. But some bombs (and in this case judgements) were so fiercely in opposition to things I believe (and frankly, just downright repulsive to me) that I saw little need to try.
As I’m sure Lynette especially can testify, I can and do drop bombs. In my posts I attempt to tell a specific story from my perspective and sort out what it taught me. In my comments, I can be brutally direct and honest. I am not coming from a place of judgement though. When I read about others’ pain and suffering, and I have been there already and learned a lesson as a result, I feel compelled to push them to the same lesson. I want to help them skip over all the confusion and pain that I went through to learn that lesson and just give them the end result. It’s similar to when we tell our kids something about life that we know, from experience, to be absolutely true but they don’t listen. It’s difficult to witness, not because we are judgmental but because we know if they would only listen, they could avoid some pain and/or difficulty. Everyone has to learn their own lessons in their own time.
Is there a specific experience that caused you to be upset Michelle? It would help me to understand more.
Geez Louise! How did I skip over all of this? I just found this post today, even though I thought I was all caught up with your posts, Cyndi. For a change, I have nothing more to add.
What I have learned — yet again — is that all too often I take things on like I have a puzzle to solve.
Something in me said, “Go on, step forward and sort this all out.” What I know to be true, for me, is that none of this makes sense and it’s not my puzzle to figure out. The absence of truth tells me there’s no willingness to resolve anything here.
I let go of the notion there are any answers that will make sense too me. I let go of my need to ask any more questions. I let go of the idea I did anything wrong. I let go of the idea things could be different.
Peace to all.
And I guess that brings us full circle…back to the lessons I learned as a result of this unfortunate event.