Blast From The Past
“Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over.” – Gloria Naylor
It’s not very Zen-like of me, but I do form attachments to my friends. I am therefore upset when friendships end or change dramatically. I consider good friends to be just like family and it hurts when they are gone.
My BFF in high school ended our friendship over 15 years ago. She had become romantically involved with a relative of hubby’s (back then he wasn’t hubby, he was on-again, off-again boyfriend). While I liked this relative, he wasn’t exactly good boyfriend material. I tried to warn her but she was in love. At first it was fun double dating and having her around at family functions. At some point, his extremely jealous and possessive nature took over and things got ugly.
We were in our early 20’s. I had several different groups of friends with whom I went out to bars 3-4 nights a week. I loved going out, usually drank too much, sometimes talked to guys (when hubby and I were on one of our 1,000 “breaks”) and generally had a blast. Her boyfriend didn’t like that, considered me to be a bad influence on her, and did not want her hanging out with me. There was a lot of drama, usually involving them getting into some argument that had nothing to do with me, and then him calling me at 2am to scream at me about how it was somehow my fault.
I was not a people-pleaser in those days. I was outspoken and didn’t take kindly to being pulled into their craziness in the middle of the night. I also didn’t take kindly to his interference in our friendship or the various rifts it caused with a few other members of hubby’s family. I normally told him to f-off and hung up on him. Given the chance, at family parties or if I ran into him anywhere, I would normally provoke him by inviting her out to the bars with me or making some snide comment or another.
The bottom line was that she chose to do what he wanted and effectively ended our friendship. We made a few lame attempts at getting along but the damage had been done. By the time their relationship inevitably ended, in a dramatic blaze of glory of course, she and I were barely speaking so her official departure from my life wasn’t a major event.
During and immediately following high school we were inseparable. I practically lived at her house. I thought we’d be BFFs forever. We shared a lot of great times and were there for each other during not so great times. Her behavior during her relationship with hubby’s relative was shocking to me. I never would have guessed that she would have let a guy come between us. I never would have guessed that she would have done and said some of the things she did. Still, that was a long time ago, we were both immature and I’ve wondered about her from time to time over the years.
I recently found her on a social networking site. At first I was excited and almost immediately sent her a request to connect. Then I started wondering about the potential can of worms our reconnecting could open up for hubby’s family. It could be big. It could also be a non-issue at this point. It’s entirely possible that she wants no part of me or hubby’s family and wouldn’t respond. I finally decided against it.
Maybe we will reconnect someday but sometimes the past is best left in the past.
Thanks for stopping by!
I feel the same way! I sometimes see a “People you may know” pop up on the right of my Facebook for my previous best friend from late elemetary to late high school. It feels odd to have hesitation to reconnect, but I know it’d just be a can of worms. We’re different people, have nothing in common, have gone our separate ways, and would just be “friends” for the sake of nostalgia. It feels like I’d be “faking” it.
I swear sometimes you live in my head! This is probably the third time I have been mulling over an issue in my head and come to your blog to find a post about it. So weird. I had a friend that I recently lost contact with and I just haven’t been able to reconcile the circumstances in my head to be able to close the issue for myself. It was a friendship that showed great promise in the beginning but it became blatantly apparent in a short span of time that this person held beliefs about things that were important to me that I just couldn’t support. I am all for diverse opinions (in fact, I search them out on a regular basis to keep things interesting) but things that we don’t agree on (the biggies like moral and value based opinions) need to be able to be discussed in non-judgemental ways and it became very obvious to me that this was not going to happen with this person. And so I like the line in your quote about there being a time for silence and a time to let go. It speaks to me. Sometimes silence is the best way to just move on. It may leave questions in the hearts of both people, but maybe, in some instances, the questions that are left are better then the hurt that may come from a confrontation.
Ha! Great minds think alike I guess.
Hmmmm….I’m not sure how I’d handle this conflict with my friend if it happened recently. We were young, stupid and drunk half the time. I think I’d have to try to talk to her at least once, especially because we had been so close for so long. Although I didn’t avoid conflict back then, I certainly didn’t handle conflict well. I basically just told them off and went on my merry way. Later, I became someone who avoided all conflict at all costs and that didn’t work out well for me at all.
Conflict resolution is an acquired skill and you never know how it’s going to go. Assuming that you and your friend are both rational people, I hope you can have at least one conversation and possibly resolve your differences or agree to disagree on the touchy issues. If you think letting it go is the best solution though, then it’s good that you’ve been able to accept it and move on.
It is very true that conflict resolution is a skill and I think that one of the tenets of doing it well, is simply knowing when to even attempt it and when it’s best to just walk away. I used to be hugely confrontational in my younger days (probably due to many of the factors that you mentioned ie. youth and booze) and what I have learned as I’ve gotten older is to temper that passion and use it only when the outcome seems likely to be beneficial to everyone involved. In this circumstance, several statements were made by the person that were so incredibly abrasive as to leave no doubt that their view of the world was a universe apart from mine. We have so little time to be with our friends in between all of our other responsibilites as mothers, wives, employees, etc. that I just find myself wanting only to devote that time to people who I can trust to at least be rational in their disagreements and softer in their judgements of others.
It’s funny how you have lived both extremes of this issue – initially being a “tell ‘em like it is” kind of girl and then going to running for your life from all conflict at all. It seems that you have found a happy medium now. It must feel wonderful to have found a point of equilibrium. You should write a book about your journey. I’m willing to bet you’d find millions of women who identify with where you’ve been and would hugely benefit from the insight you have gained. You always give me something to think about
Good point. I also try to not waste my precious time on people/events, etc. that simply aren’t worth it. Good for you for recognizing when to just walk away.
I’m sure I’ll be writing my book well into my 90’s, it just never seems to get anywhere near finished, but thanks for your kind words. You always give me something to think about too.
i hope it goes well!
along the same lines, here’s a song a girl wrote about an ex trying to friend her on fb. it’s pretty funny
http://msmodern.com/?p=1914
THAT was hilarious! Thanks for the link. Of course I had to share it….on FB!
People come in and out of our lives for a reason. Several months back you may remember my post about my friend from highschool. We exchanged some pleasant emails in attempt to catch up but nothing much came of it. I sometimes wonder if I live too much in the past wondering about certain people when I should just be thankful they were in my life during that moment in time.
Anyway, you very subtly mentioned something in this post that I am more curious about than your old friend.
You mention in the old days you were not a people pleaser. This peaked my interest because to know how you go from not being a people pleaser to then being a people pleaser, especially when you were in your 20’s?
I do remember that post. I liked it a lot. I may have even mentioned it on my blog….or maybe I just left an epic comment about it on yours.
That’s a good question, I guess that’s my next blog post. Thanks Tammy, I wasn’t sure what embarrassing secret about how my twisted mind works I was going to write about next!
I think there are different degrees and depths of friendships. Not all friends we meet are true friends. Knowing people takes time, knowing ourselves takes even longer. (grins) There are so many changes in friends I knew a decade ago. They’re not the same people at all. I say risk reacquainting yourself with your old friend
I believe true friends are honest with themselves and with others. Being a friend requires being accepting of your own self; not looking for approval, attention or love. Being a friend depends on having an open heart; sharing your thoughts and views and letting others know the places where you disagree. True friendship grows deeper when the focus is more on the places where you both agree.
The expectation a friend should agree with all of your views, or that they should live by a certain criteria, or they should live by the morals and values that you embrace — sounds kind of unhealthy too me.
“True friendship can afford true knowledge. It does not depend on darkness and ignorance.” —Henry David Thoreau
Thoreau again. It must be my birthday!
These are good points. I have many “friends” that have a role in my life but are not “true” friends. On the other hand, I have many friends that are true friends, and we don’t agree on a lot of major issues. We just believe what we do have is way more important than agreeing on issues that don’t really have to affect our friendship, unless we allow them to. So, we don’t allow them to. Without exception, those are the friends who read some of the dark and twisted crap I write about and empathize, still love me and then eventually….rip on me about it. I love them!
My old friend….I’m so tempted. We were like sisters. The potential can of worms though….I’m not sure that’s a good idea. If it were just me, I’d do it in a heartbeat. But, I ended up marrying that on-again, off-again boyfriend of mine and his extended family, whom my friend affected greatly, could be in for a world of drama and pain if I re-open that door. I’ll have to give it a lot more thought. Of course, hubby is no help…”do whatever you think is best” or some other unhelpful, supportive nonsense.
Maybe she’ll solve your dilemma and friend request you first. If you feel weird about it, maybe it isn’t the thing to do right now.