What’s The Score
“Keeping score of old scores and scars, getting even and one-upping, always makes you less than you are.” ~ Malcolm Forbes
One of the comments on my previous blog post, What Do You Really Need, about what we need from our partners in a relationship, got me thinking. The comment was from one of the few men who commented on that post, Mark from The Naked Soul (great blog, BTW). He said he needed a person who does not keep score. When I read that comment, I identified with it in a big way. After writing my last post, Do You Know Where The ______ Is I realized why.
I was a scorekeeper. I suspect that all codependents are.
I know several couples who literally and openly keep score. If one goes out with friends, leaving the other home alone with the kids, then the other gets a similar night out. If one spends $75 on a personal luxury than the other gets $75 to spend too. Everything is tit for tat. I don’t understand this type of relationship at all and want to clarify that this is not what I’m talking about (although it may have been exactly what Mark was talking about). It’s all out in the open and if it works for them, who am I to judge. I’m talking about the insidious, resentment-building practice of secretly or even subconsciously keeping score.
I fell under the category of subconsciously keeping score. I wasn’t aware of my own feelings or needs so I didn’t realize I was doing it, but I most certainly was. I did so much that I expected others to do for me too. As a people-pleaser, I took it upon myself to fix things, take care of things, and make problems go away for other people, without them requesting it and without their consent. When they failed to do the same for me, I felt used and resentful. This pattern of behavior set me up for feelings of disappointment and resentment with everyone in my life.
The biggest problem with this was that the people in my life for whom I was taking care of things did not know that I expected anything in return. Since I anticipated what I thought others needed or wanted and took care of them, I thought that when others didn’t do the same for me, I was not important to them. They assumed, as is the healthier way to handle any relationship, that if I needed anything, I would ask.
The cycle would go like this…I would anticipate what I thought others wanted or needed, I would provide them with what I thought they wanted or needed, then I would begin to feel overwhelmed by everything that I was doing and feel that others didn’t care as much about me as I did them because they weren’t helping me at all. Guess what. I never asked for help. Additionally, they never asked me to anticipate their needs and wants either. So, I was not only keeping a running list of all the things I did for them but expected them to read my mind and reciprocate.
Using my previous post as an example….if hubby asked if I knew where the sugar was, I would stop what I was doing, go look for the sugar, find it or run to the store to buy some if we were out, and then provide him with the sugar. Conversely, if I asked hubby if he knew where the glue was, and he didn’t know, he would simply say, “no”. I unknowingly expected him to find it or go get it and provide it for me, since that was what I had done for him with the sugar. If I had simply asked for help in finding the glue or asked him to please run out and pick up some glue for me, he probably would have happily done so, if he didn’t have anything else going on at that moment. Since I didn’t ask and he didn’t know where it was, he answered the question. That’s when I would begin to build up resentment over the “imbalance” in our relationship. After several of these types of instances, I would be feeling completely overwhelmed, unappreciated, used and unloved and would then complain to him about his behavior! It was my behavior that caused my feelings all along.
Now that I have learned to be aware of my own thoughts and feelings, as soon as I start to feel resentment towards someone in my life, I take a step back and figure out where the resentment is coming from. Most of the time, it can be traced back to when I was still an active people-pleaser and that running list of things I’d done for them is still there, in my head. Now, instead of confronting them about their behavior, I acknowledge that I used to do things that they didn’t ask me to do. I give myself a break for having been so clueless at the time and I wipe the slate clean. I then examine how we currently interact and if I determine that they are, in fact, asking too much of me, I simply assert myself and do not do anything above and beyond what I can comfortably do. This new process has eliminated most resentment in my relationships.
Mark has recently written two great posts that have also inspired me in writing this one, along with his initial comment. Check them out if you have a minute. They are “I Create My Own Problems, Duh” and Conscious Thoughts on Subconscious Thoughts.
Thanks for stopping by!
i have this image of relationships that work being filled with pairs of people who are polite and civil and request what they need from others…. i don’t think that is what you meant, but that is the first vision that comes to mind…
when i think of a healthy loving relationship, i think of two people who are each willing to give to the other, and extend themselves for the other, regardless of the return on emotional investment. i agree keeping score is bad — because the truth is that people vary in their degree of need depending on their temperament and what is taking place in their lives. for example, when my dad died, i had needy written all over me for a couple of years. that is not my normal state of balance. it was so palpable that people in my life did not have to read my mind. and yet, my husband, to whom i have given and given and given, resented and was angry because all of a sudden he had to give to me.
but in giving freely of one’s love and nurturing another, if you never experience any support or love or receive in lieu of always giving, it is inevitable that one will become resentful over time, even if one is not a score-keeper. i am by nature a nurturer of the one’s i love. i hope for love in return. and my definition of love is when someone is willing to extend him/herself for another….
don’t you think? this is of course, IMHO
Polite and civil people requesting what they need from others. Nothing wrong with that image at all. It’s healthy.
Yes, I do think that in a healthy relationship each partner gives freely. There is a vast difference between two people giving in a relationship and one partner taking care of everything for the other without their consent and then keeping score and building up resentment. That was how I felt about my marriage at one point. Resentment took over and I couldn’t give for one more minute. I later came to the disturbing realizatation that I was 50% responsible for our marriage getting to that point. It takes 2. Did he take advantage of my care-taking? Yes, but I set him up for it by never asking for anything and years and years of people-pleasing, mind-reading, expecting him to read my mind, fixing, score-keeping, etc.
I can’t think of any reason to even consider staying in a relationship in which one partner gives and gives without any support or love unless there is some hope for change, which is why we separated. I saw no hope. Luckily, the separation served the purpose of forcing us to both take a look at ourselves and each make the necessary individual changes to be able to improve our relationship.
okay, polite and civil can be healthy — but those are the types of relationships i have with my colleagues at work. intimate relationships require intimacy, which can be anything but polite and civil. polite and civil sounds like distance to me. we have a lot of that going on at home. qualities of indifference.
i want passionate discourse, deep intense intimacy, being able to give as well as receive, a shared vision, real feelings expressed — joy, sadness, gratitude, and anger. passion and intimacy can be very, very messy. i don’t mind that.
i just don’t want to be cursed at and bullied. i do want respect, okay. boundaries are important. but politeness and civility…. hmmm, not quite for me.
We seem to be talking about 2 different things. Polite and civil, to me, simply mean respectful behavior. For example, listening without interrupting or talking over each other or screaming at each other. These are foundations of true intimacy which leads to increased passion. What I believe you are referring to is pretending that nothing is wrong and walking on eggshells in an effort to avoid setting off an abuser. I don’t blame you, I grew up in that atmosphere and it’s not for me either.
okay, we were definitely perceiving those words differently! you had my perception down right. when i think of polite and civil, i think of people repressing all sorts of stuff. i actually believe you can have a heated argument and be respectful — it’s my spanish upbringing
so what you’re saying is that i shouldn’t keep a mental list of all the times i get up in the middle of the night with my kids that my husband doesn’t? hmmmm, interesting….
That’s a great example! I certainly did that. What’s the point? Letting him know that you need him to do his share, and insisting that he does it, will eliminate the need for that list.
I think one of the other dangers of being a people pleaser is that when you do that, you ironically forget to please the main person in your life – yourself! This is the case especially for women I think because we are so consumed (by design of nature I suppose) with that drive to nurture the people we love that we don’t leave enough time to nurture ourselves. But what you end up with when you do this is a burned out mommy with nothing left to give anyone. I have learned over the years that it is ok to take time to do things that make me happy because you know the old saying, “If mama ain’t happy, nobody is happy.” I have been training for a marathon that is in October and as the training runs have gotten longer, I have had to take time I would ordinarily spend with my children to train (or sit on the couch with ice on my feet) and I started to feel guilty. But then I realized that this was a short term goal I set for myself that is ultimately making me a happier person. People pleasers need to learn to please everyone in their lives – including themselves.
Amen sister! This was the biggest problem. I wasn’t taking care of myself at all, to the point where I went a year without sleeping before I even started to think about what could possibly be going on with me. Good luck on your marathon!!
i’m very amazed that you were and still are able to admit to your codependent habits. my mother is almost 60 and still can’t see them. the result in your situation – a happier YOU and a happier everyone else! i’m proud of you.
Awww…thank you so much! It did take 38 years and considerable turmoil to force me into self-examination.
it took me awhile to admit i needed meds & that i was bipolar.
Once we learn that life and especially relationships are not about keeping score our perspective changes radically. I have been in a long term relationship where my partner kept score all of the time and in turn she drove herself and me nuts and ultimately this was one of the factors that drove us apart.
It is excellent that you have learned that love does not keep score, that love simply gives because that is love’s nature. It is our ego mind that wants all to be “fair” and keeps score which in the end always ends upside down to what our ego expects.
Thank-you you very much for your kind words and the links to my articles! Blessings to you!
My husband and I are both internal scorekeepers. I know how harmful it is, and how it is certainly a cycle we need to break. I’ve often thought it was cause the end of us, but somehow we’ve managed to at least acknowledge it exists, which as you know, is the first step in admitting you have a problem. Thank you for so eloquently explaining something that I’ve never been able to put into words!!
Thank YOU for letting me know you do this too AND for saying that I put it eloquently. When I write posts like this I struggle with how to say it and usually feel like a rambling idiot. It is difficult to express and nice to hear I’m not alone.
38 years is not such a long time to have acquired your insight, Cyndi. Some people never learn. I’m still learning a lot of things about myself!