Do You Know Where The ______ Is
“The lesson I was learning involved the idea that I could feel compassion for people without acting on it.” – Melody Beattie
Inspired by: Wiring at MamaNeeds2Rant
I seem to have an almost post-traumatic-stress-disorder flashback-type response to many of my own memories, from both childhood and adulthood. I had one of those today when a memory popped into my head. Most of the time, the reason for the extreme physical reaction I experience is that I feel the same feelings I felt when whatever I’m remembering actually happened. I didn’t acknowledge or recognize those feelings at the time so it’s as if it’s happening again, in the here and now. I am not hallucinating. I am aware that it isn’t happening right now. It’s just the emotions that get stirred up hit me like a ton of bricks.
I’ve written a lot about being codependent. The blog post I read today reminded me of some of my old patterns of behavior. I experienced this flashback-type reaction as I thought about it. It is unbelievable to me that I used to think and behave this way.
The basic premise behind codependency as I understand it is that deep down, we unconsciously believe we are worthless unless we are doing something for someone else. At the same time, we have convinced ourselves that whoever we are “helping” is actually incapable of functioning without our assistance. We have convinced ourselves of this so that we feel needed and when we feel needed, we don’t feel worthless.
In classic codependent fashion, I used to respond to hubby’s question, “Do you know where the ________ is?” by stopping whatever I was doing to look for the _________. It doesn’t matter what it was. If he asked me if I knew where it was, I jumped. He did come to expect this behavior and benefited from it for over 10 years. In his defense, I am the one who created this ridiculous pattern, not him.
In a codependent’s mind, a question like this is not just a query but a call to action. Hubby was really just asking if I knew where ___________ was because it would save him the trouble of looking for ___________ if I already knew where it was. It’s a simple yes or no question. It never occurred to me that it would be ok to simply answer, “no”. Never.
Keep in mind that none of this was clear to me at the time. My thought processes were completely hidden from my consciousness. Once I began to realize what I was doing, who I had become and the state of my marriage because of it, I was horrified. It had to be corrected, and now. Old habits are extremely difficult to break. I’d been behaving this way for the better part of 38 years. Sometimes, even now, either hubby or I will catch me doing something similar. He’s actually become better at spotting it than I am. He spots it in other couples all the time and shakes his head over the way we used to interact and how blind we were.
When I read about “helpless” men and the women who seem to actually believe that they are, in fact, helpless is when I experienced this flashback sensation. I read the words and saw myself. I imagined women who complain about their husbands incessantly because they are lazy, stupid, incompetent, etc., while in reality it’s the women themselves who create these “monsters” with their own codependent behaviors, just as I had.
Did I get trampled on like the doormat that I was? Yes. But only because I laid down in front of the door and invited the world in to wipe their feet. You see, behaving this way leads to feelings of resentment and feeling taken advantage of or even used. An added bonus to feeling needed, and therefore worthy, is that I also got to feel superior. I got to complain about how well I treated people and how poorly they treated me. The only person with the power to stop this vicious cycle of insanity was me, and I wasn’t even aware that I was doing it.
There is not a healthy, disability-free adult in this world that is truly helpless or who actually requires assistance in performing mundane tasks. The key to stopping it is to become aware of yourself and to embrace the simple fact that no one needs you to do anything. And if you don’t know where ______ is, know that it’s ok to just say, “no”.
Thanks for stopping by!
Oh, Cyndi. I didn’t mean to give you a flashback. I hope it passed quickly!
As much as I hate to admit it, I sometimes will also get up and look for the thing instead of just telling hubby or the kids that I don’t know where something is. But then a lot of times, I just say “no.” Depends, I guess, on my mood or how lazy I’m feeling. Most of the time, I think they blame me for hiding the things or putting it away somewhere, when I know I haven’t. We can’t win!
No need to apologize, it’s a GOOD thing!! I have to sort through all my craziness and remember how far I’ve come. Your post helped me do that today. Thank you.
Very, VERY interesting. Makes you think about so many other areas of codependency besides “do you know where ___ is?” You’re right – it’s totally a pattern!
Thankfully I’m the type to say “no,” but just b/c I’m lazy myself and don’t want to look for it either!
Yes, this is one very small example of a much bigger picture of dysfunction.
Laziness does help!
Your post reminded me of conditions we unlearn. As a child, and moments as an adult, and a wife, there were scary moments if I didn’t jump to ‘do’ the ‘thing’ that I was asked to do. I learned about co-dependence when I joined Adult Children of Alcoholics groups as a young adult. Melodie Beattie books became my friends.
I’m glad you wrote this post, it’s hard to see how we contribute to the problems we have in relationships with others, it’s difficult to unlearn coping mechanisms … it’s also very worthwhile.
I credit Melodie Beattie and one Dr. Phil book (believe it or not) for starting me on this path to seeing my own role in the problems I created for myself. It most definitely is an un-learning process. I am grateful for every single painful moment.
“doormat that I was? Yes. But only because I laid down in front of the door and invited the world in to wipe their feet. ” So …SO very true Cyndi. I am glad am aware of the power within me to say “NO”….though a bit late after letting few trample over!
Me too, but better late than never, right?
wow what a wonderful post! I have a friend that I saw/read a lot of her in your story…
stopping by from blog engage I wanted to vote for your post but this is not linked
I submitted it to blog engage. Thank you very much!
Today, dear hubby said, “Jess, do you know where _____ is?” I thought of this post (which I had read, but not commented on yet), and replied no. I continued to sit and browse Facebook. It was wonderful:) I kept thinking of how proud you would be, loL!
I am SO proud!!