A Series Of Unfortunate Events
“They didn’t understand it, but like so many unfortunate events in life, just because you don’t understand it doesn’t mean it isn’t so.” – Lemony Snicket
If I have covered this already AND you have read it, then I apologize in advance. I don’t believe I have ever written about the timeline or details of the series of unfortunate events that led to what I now refer to as my mid-life crisis. I’m certain I’ve mentioned a few of them in different posts but never put them all together. Again, if I’m wrong, and have gone all senile about my own blog like a complete moron, I apologize in advance. If not… read on. 
1. The mother of a close friend died suddenly a few days before Christmas of 2006 ~ Although I am close to my friend, I didn’t know his mom all that well but her death stayed with me for a long time. I couldn’t shake the overall feeling of sadness, even weeks after her funeral. I remember being baffled about this at the time. I even spoke to another friend’s poor parents (actually it was the newly ordained deacon and his wife that I recently wrote about) about it when I stopped by their house just to run in to pick something up. Boy, did they not know what they were in for that day! They truly are lovely and amazing people. At the time, I chalked it up to feeling so badly for my friend because her death was sudden and literally just days before Christmas. I now know it was partially sadness for my friend but was also the first time I really pondered my own mortality. The first time it really sank in that I am aging and will not live forever.
2. The sub-prime mortgage industry eventual complete melt-down became apparent and wide-spread, also in December of 2006 ~ I wasn’t working for a sub-prime lender. However, the seemingly daily news of another lender suddenly ceasing all operations went from, “Look who else is going down and we’re still riding high”, to “Shit. This is going to be all bad for all of us.”. The fed was still claiming this problem was contained to the sub-prime arm of the industry but for those of us in the trenches, we knew that barring some miracle, the writing was on the wall for everyone.
3. I went on a business trip in January of 2007~ We had our annual sales conference in San Diego where our parent company was assuring us we were “in it for the long haul” but we weren’t convinced. In the meantime, we partied like frat boys, had a blast staying up late getting bombed and then up at 6am for day-long meetings. I hadn’t behaved like such a juvenile in many many years and this trip made me remember that I do love to have fun. It made me realize that I had completely shut off that part of my identity when I became a mom. This ridiculous long weekend of debauchery is what led me to begin to re-evaluate myself, my choices, my whole life, and most likely led to the theme of this blog too.
4. My friend Gina was diagnosed with breast cancer~ When she first told me about the lump, I wasn’t concerned at all. I’ve had them. I’ve known many women who have. They usually turn out to be fibroids, infections or easily removable and virtually harmless cysts. I’ve even known women with breast cancer who had a lumpectomy and some radiation and went on with their lives. Gina’s actual diagnosis turned out to be the worst possible case scenario in a breast cancer diagnosis. This not only made me extremely sad for my friend, her family and forced me to consider what life would be like without her. It also made come face to face with my own mortality again.
5. Hubby got laid off from his job in May of 2007 ~ He had been struggling career-wise for a couple of years and due to cutbacks, was laid off on a Friday. That in itself wouldn’t have been huge since I still had my high paying job with excellent benefits, but when combined with #6…..
6. Two days after being laid off, hubby tore both ACLs~ His dream back in the day had been to be a police officer. For whatever reason, that never worked out. He decided to give it one last shot before he was officially over the maximum age limit and test for a county sheriff’s department. The physical portion of the test took place on the Sunday after he was laid off. He landed wrong after successfully scaling a 6-foot fence and tore both ACLs. Football fans will know that tearing one ACL is, at least, a season ending injury. ACLs cannot be repaired. They must be replaced. He didn’t tear his just a little. Both were completely torn, along with a few other problems, such as his knee caps shifting without the ACLs there to hold them in place. I consider this to be the straw that broke the camel’s back for my sanity. He was completely helpless for several weeks. He then had to have 2 different surgeries several months apart. All told, he was down for the count for about 4 months. No disability pay, since he had just lost his job 2 days before.
7. The mortgage industry complete meltdown was inevitable by June of 2007 - We knew the ax was going to fall at any moment. Our company had consolidated offices. We took on 5 other branches and, as the manager, got to see 1/2 my staff, chosen by the corporate office, lose their jobs. I didn’t agree with some of the decisions but understood it was a business decision. I felt horrible for the people that were laid off in this wave. Many I had known and worked with for years. I was already having difficulty sleeping for no apparent reason. That escalated exponentially around this time. With hubby out of commission and expensive medical treatments, that job was the only thing saving us. I had to look at this as a lucky break for me. I had no other choice. It could just as easily have been me on the chopping block that day.
8. The death knell for the mortgage industry came in August of 2007 ~ When Wall Street pulled out of purchasing mortgage loans, that was that. We then knew it was just a matter of days before an announcement was made. Unfortunately, we were right. August 20, 2007 was when the announcement came. I was out of a job. Luckily, I needed to stay on through January of 2008 to shut down the office. After that, a generous severance package. However, no real prospects came along between August and January, since the vast majority of the industry was gone or almost gone.
9. Therapy ~ I began individual therapy in October of 2007. Over a year of unrelenting and increasingly serious insomnia which nothing my doctor prescribed would even touch, plus the overwhelming feelings of anger, confusion, depression, anxiety, etc…led me to the conclusion that I needed some help. I was on the verge of a complete emotional breakdown and that is SO not me.
10. Marital Problems ~ We began to have some significant issues shortly after I began therapy. As I began to realize that what I resented and was angry about had been completely ignored (by me) because I was so co-dependent, and set out to correct that situation, things got ugly. Really ugly. It was affecting the kids. We were both home almost every day…fighting. By the beginning of January of 2008 it was apparent that we could not go on like this. We began marriage counseling and separated.
11. Marriage Counseling ~ I’m not going to sugar-coat this. Marriage counseling is hell. When two people who can’t even stand to be in the same house anymore and who see every situation from completely opposite perspectives are locked into a room with a person who wants to dig into all the BIG tough issues, it’s absolute torture. It would have been much easier to have just filed for divorce than to go through all of that. The end result would have been disastrous, but at the time, it would have been the easy way out of a horrendous situation.
By April of 2008 we had made vast improvements in marriage counseling, we had both found jobs, and I was planning my solo vacation. Things were starting to look up and that marked the beginning of the end of my mid-life crisis.
Was it hell to go through? YES! But, in all honesty, without all of these events, I would never have learned all that I have about myself, my husband and life in general. These events didn’t seem as significant or related at the time as they do in hindsight. They all sort of just piled up on me until I reached my breaking point. I am not the same person that I was in December of 2006, and for that, I am eternally grateful for the way this series of unfortunate events affected me.
Thanks for stopping by!
All things happen for a reason. The unfortunate events are sometimes hellish at the time, however they serve a greater purpose then we can usually see at the moment. When unfortunate events happen, I always remind myself that there is a reason behind what is happening that is not yet within my understanding. Thanks for sharing this part of your journey. It is wonderful that you can now look back with gratitude for all that happened.
Thanks Mark. I agree that all things happen for a reason and that it’s ok to wait to find out what that reason may be, but I certainly didn’t believe that then. Everything can be a learning experience.
wow. what a saga in such a short period of time. numbers up on the stress scale are big ones. thank you for sharing all this background — i don’t think you had summarized it all in one place.
i don’t believe that “everything happens for a reason” which implies that good comes out of everything that happens, good or bad — some things are completely senseless. ask someone whose child has been murdered or committed suicide. if we learn something from bad events, then we find our reason for it happening. but sometimes i think that bad things just happen. however, as humans, we are wired to look for the “reason”, the “why”, or the “why me”.
but i want to tell you how much i respect your strength, courage, honesty, and fortitude in handling a series of tremendous challenges and coming through with your head on better, your marriage improving, and your kids doing well.
life sure isn’t what we thought it was going to be when we were teenagers, is it!
Ha! I think when I was a teenager I still firmly believed in the whole knight in shining armor nonsense (while also believing I would be an independent, successful career woman). Not sure how my immature brain reconciled those two opposite ideals.
I agree that as humans we are wired to look for meaning in things that appear to be senseless. Religion wouldn’t exist without that wiring (or science or psychology for that matter).
Thanks so much Lynette!
i had my breakdown last October. i checked myself into the hospital for 2 days. the events leading up to it began in february of 2000 and came to a head october of 2008. is it strange that it took that long for a breakdown?
Oh, I’m so sorry. Luckily, mine wasn’t quite that serious. I was a complete mess, and definitely not myself. I most likely would have ended up in much worse shape if I hadn’t noticed when I did that I needed some help. Seems like you are still working things out but doing much better now, I hope?
I don’t think it’s strange. I think these seemingly unrelated events feel stressful but almost normal in a way, when you are used to virtually constant turmoil. It’s only in hindsight that we can make the connections and see how they all just built up until we broke. Hitting bottom, while extremely confusing and painful, is somewhat of a relief after continually burying ourselves in an attempt to just feel “normal”.
Wow, it really does consolidate everything to make a list like that!
I’m so happy for YOU that you are such a strong, healthy-minded, intelligent woman to deal with all of these situations in a healthy manner. Like you said – you could have taken the easy way out of the marriage issues, as well as the other issues, but you dug your heals in and took the hard way.
It shows, too! Your hard work has paid off and you have a LOT to show for it! The rest of your life you’ll be a complete person because of it and your boys will always have a happy, healthy mama!
Awww..thank you!
Reminds me of a good book … a gift of measurable proportion: Breaking Point by Martha Beck. You gotta have this one on your wish list.
Amazing the things life gives us that feel so shitty at the time and end up being the greatest moments we are so proud to have lived through.
I gots to write a time line of my own
Inspiring = You
Dammit Dawn, you already know I’m going to die well before I get to all the books on my wish list! I’m joking…I added it. I actually think this one is at the top of the list. The title alone speaks to me.
you just inspired me to do something i’ve never been able to do: write it all down. i just wrote my own super-long version of the events that led up to my semi-breakdown. read it if you’d like. i think you’re probably one of the only people i “know” who might understand.
http://www.shebecameabutterfly.net/?p=4601
Some would say these are the things that make you who you are today. Strengths, weaknesses, issues all combined to provide you with good and bad life experiences.
I think what amazed me is how so many outside factors influenced how you felt in life. I guess this is the way to goes for all of us when you look at the big picture. It’s amazing how strong we are and how we can take things at a stride and not notice the bundle of weight on our shoulders.
I’m glad to see with the counseling things have worked out to be positive for you. Many people would had given up but its obvious your much strong then that.
Wow, I did not realize all this was so recent. (Other than the mortgage crappolla!)
If all my uggs started in 2006 I too should be close to resolution…yes, please say yes! HA!
YES!!
You should be proud that you faced things head on, most couples collapse and give up on each other. It takes real strength to face the issues and fight for your relationship. Facing ones demons is never an easy road, but I think in the end it is the braver path. And now with everything in the open it leaves room for true love and that has to start with loving yourself.
Wow. You had a mid-life crisis. I would have had a complete meltdown. That’s a lot of stuff to deal with in such a short time–and you worked through it like a champ. Way to go!!
In the center of my breakdown currently. Funny I thought it was my husbands crisis……………..now its become my crisis as well. I think making a list of events is an awesome idea, keeps a perspective. Love your blog!
I see …thats how you have emerged like a beautiful firefly..brighter and stronger in words and deeds! Wonderful that you shared it here..gives me hope and energy to survive through my lil low tides!
Wow. I had encountered most of these occurences in various posts, but never considered them in quite that timeline. All I can say is, what a shitty year. I’m so, so glad that you were able to rise above. Many are not able to do that. I lost my best friend to suicide because he was dealing with issues that he just could not rise above. A MAJOR hats off (and hug) to you for being so brave & willing to tackle such difficult issues. You’re so right… it would have been easier at the time to just walk away. You’re amazing!
Wow, thank you Jess! I’m not so sure about amazing…how about just, “hot mess”?
I’m so sorry to hear about your best friend. This post was so long already that I didn’t get too detailed about exactly how I was feeling but I never considered suicide. I can’t even imagine how difficult it is to lose a friend to suicide.