What Do You Really Need
“A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself — to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart.” – Leo F. Buscaglia
Hubby’s cousin posed this question on Facebook today:
Alright Ladies. I’m conducting a personal survey. What are the top 3 most important things you NEED from your significant other. list them in order of importance and don’t be shy. I am a Man in pursuit of passion. So let it out and teach us Ladies. Pleeeaassseee teach us.
Before I reveal the results of this personal survey, I have to mention that this is an evolved man. He has a strong faith. By all accounts he is a good husband and father. He’s talented, intelligent and funny too. He also has balls for putting something like this out there where all his less evolved male friends can rip on him mercilessly. I have no idea why he’s taking this personal survey but I kept thinking about it off and on all day.
I answered immediately without looking at what others had already answered. My three were:
#1 – TRUST
#2 – To feel special & important
#3 – Pull your own weight in every aspect of the relationship
I’ve written before about what I would look for in a man if I were ever “out there” again. What I’ve never written about before is what I need from my significant other. In fact, this made me realize that I had never really even thought about what I need from my significant other.
As I thought about this some more I of course over-analyzed my answers (it’s how I roll). Did I give it enough thought? Was there something more important that I hadn’t considered when I answered? And why the hell did he limit us to only three anyway?! 
In the end I decided that these are, in fact, my top three needs in a relationship. Having said that, I have way more than three. A few more are:
#4 – Sense of humor
#5 – Open Minded
#6 – Independence
I could probably go on and on for hours but I’ll spare you and stop at my top six.
Wait! Can I add him to my list?
The complete results of the FB poll today were:
- Trust
- To feel special & important
- Pull your own weight in every aspect of the relationship
- Fun
- “Lovin”
- Do the freakin’ dishes sometimes! *but do them because, they need to be done! not because you want something!*
- Respect
- Some understanding/acceptance of the critical differences between men and women.
- Listen when we talk,and give us space when we need it
- Date nights
- Do something nice “just because”
- LAUGH and BE SILLY
- Security, to know that I know that I know you are committed
- Honest Communication, tell it like it is
- Affection
- Revisit why you guys fell in love in the first place
- Listen when she needs to vent
- Be a great Dad
- Making me feel like i am the only woman for him
- Active listening
- Non-sexual affection (we like to be kissed, touched, hugged, have our hand held etc. without it always leading to the bedroom
- Be a man of God
- To feel Loved, affection, non-sexual and sexual are WONDERFUL
- Believe in one another
- Communication
- Have similar goals / style as me
- Willing to accept and give support
- Being able to be yourself (flaws and all)
- Sexual chemistry…to put it bluntly…That HAS to be there
- To be taken care of – be strong (like it or not we want you to take a little control, provide the security $$ we need for our kids (and ourselves), and you know what else we want taken care of)
Quite a list, huh? These men that we have partnered with have a lot to do to meet our needs! How will they ever accomplish anything, or meet some of their own needs, if we need all of these things from them?
I wanted to add many to my own list (but again, I only got three!). A few weren’t important to me at all. I thought a very important one was missing…must be on Facebook!
I’d love to hear what you need from your partner so leave me some comments!
I’d especially love to hear from men. What do you need from us? Come on guys, don’t be shy….
Thanks for stopping by!
1. To be there for me when I need him (to have my back).
2. To be intellectually stimulating and concerned about the world around us.
3. To have a sense of humor (preferably my kind of humor).
This is a great list. One of the places relationships fail is that we don’t communicate expectations of each other. We simply believe the other person should know what we expect.
My top attributes of the ideal partner would be:
1. Unconditional love and respect
2. Believes in me, supports my aspirations and dreams even if they are not aligned with hers
3. Trust
4. Romantic
5. Someone whom I love to talk with about all subjects, a great conversationalist
6. A person who does not keep score
7. A person who does not judge me
8. Intimacy – in every aspect of our life (not just talking about sex here).
I almost added a disclaimer for the guys saying something about not needing to add anything about sex. THAT much, we know.
I like your list too. #5 is so important to me, as is #2. I knew 3 (or 6) just weren’t enough! I really like #2 because even if you marry someone with whom you miraculously start out with all the same interests, dreams, etc., people change and it’s important to be committed to support those changes.
#6 is interesting. It’s worthy of an entire post all on it’s own. Or maybe that’s just me.
And thank you for responding from a man’s point of view Mark.
Quite the list! I’m reminded of a movie from the 90’s called “Singles”. One of the main characters said that all she wanted was someone who would say “Bless you” when she sneezed. I can’t remember the exact quote but I thought it was pretty funny.Manners are definitely important.
I love that movie!
I recently celebrated my 10th wedding anniversary so the longevity of relationships has been on my mind lately. My parents were terrible role models for how to maintain and sustain a long term relationship. Actually, in some ways, I guess they were a great example – just in the opposite direction. There was always this constant sense of my mother desperately wanting something that my father wouldn’t/couldn’t provide. I always remember thinking that I would never be at the mercy of a man. I broke up with many boyfriends along the way for stupid reasons, mostly I think, because I never wanted to feel like I “needed” a man – I just wanted one. So for me, I thought that meant getting rid of them at will – to prove I could. Then I met my husband and through the grace of God and my hubby’s immense reserve of love and patience I finally learned the most important thing to sustaining a long term relationship – feeling free and safe to be vulnerable to that person. Feeling vulnerable can be a terrifying feeling but if you know that the other person respects and honors that – there’s no better feeling in the world.
Happy Anniversary! I made the same promise to myself….to never be at the mercy of a man. We just had our 12th anniversary and intimacy (and my continuing fear of it) was on my mind too, despite how far we’ve come together.
wow, top three…what do i need…from him….how about an open invitation into the inner regions. you know his thoughts, feelings, dreams, struggles, spirituality etc. two, i need my man to just cut loose and have fun. me need much fun in my life. and finally, i need my man to still look at me the way he did when we first met. you know back in the “i must have you now/throw you up against a wall” days. and to quote steve martin in the jerk, “and that’s all i need, well except for….”
I LOVE this: “i must have you now/throw you up against a wall”
Cyndi – Thanks for putting this topic up, it’s very cool. Not too many people know this about us but after the first few years of our marriage in Los Angeles J and I were pretty much done. Got so bad that I left the house for over a month and stayed with some friends. Someone we knew told us about these classes for couples at this place in Hermosa Beach, Ca. called Hope Chapel. We took this 12 week class that was based on the book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus and it changed everything. We loved it so much, we volunteered as table counselors for over 2 years and we helped a lot of people. No one had ever taught me how a Woman is wired and the basic things they need to feel loved. We all spend our time complaining about what the other one is not doing for us. Something incredible happens when you stop complaining and just start doing your job to love your partner. The problem is that we don’t know what that job is. When we do find out and start doing it, things start getting fixed. There are many to list but I believe that all Men are broken down with these top 3.
Affirmation of our accomplishments ( Make us feel we are the Man)
Belief and support in our capabilities ( Be our no.#1 cheerleader )
And I know you asked not to list this but I have to. Sex. ( Most Women and Men themselves do not understand this IS how we receive love. In the deep sense ) Long winded but thanks for letting me post.
I was so hoping you would comment on this! I thought it was great that you posed the question. I had no idea about your experiences in CA back in the day. I’m so glad you guys found Hope Chapel. You know we’ve had some close calls ourselves.
Excellent points…who would have been able to teach us how a happy marriage worked?! Certainly not our parents. And I SO agree, taking responsibility for our share of the relationship is so much more productive than the usual blaming and complaining.
As evolved as you may be, I would still expect nothing less from a Lopez Man (Sex in your top 3, probably actually #1, right?!).
Hmmm..well this post did made me think…my top things would be
honest n unconditional love n respect
Ample space to breathe n nurture things i like to do
security n a life of dignity n harmony
communication without inhibitions
Thanks Cindy for posting on this. Loved reading your lists as well as others.
Ditto to everything in the previous comment. Only change I would make is bolding the “Ample space to breathe and nurture things I like to do.”
okay, i am a few days late, but i am going to limit myself to the three most important (in order of priority):
#1 appreciation and respect (i see them as intertwined)
#2 shared empathy and true emotional understanding
#3 support of my dreams, aspirations, and acceptance of who i am and who i become
okay so maybe i slipped a few extras into the three
i don’t have any of these. crap.