Raising Boys
“Are boys encouraged to express sadness, fear, or anxiety? In general, our society gives boys permission for one emotion: anger. If a boy is hurt or upset, he may be comforted briefly, but then he is told to stop crying and “be a man.” This message usually implies he should hide his feelings. Boys and men are supposed to be solid unemotional rocks. Demonstrations of emotions are seen as “silly.” Anger is seen as a sign of strength. Males are considered to be standing up for their rights if they react to a frustrating or undesirable event with anger. Outrage is often the only reaction to an injustice that is allowed from boys.” — Meg Kennedy Dugan
Being the mother of two sons, this topic is pretty much constantly on my mind. I wasn’t inspired to write about it though until I read my friend Lynnette’s blog post; A Small Glimpse Inside The Boy. In that post she discusses seeing a small glimpse of what her husband must have felt as a boy. It made me shiver.
I grew up with only one sibling. A sister. When my first child arrived and he was a boy, I thought to myself, “what the hell do you do with these little guys?”. I had no experience from which to draw on to raise this child. So, I did what I do. I read. I read a lot.
It turns out that most boys are raised to “be men”. This means to not show any emotions except anger. All other emotions are considered weak. By whom? By the “men” who were raised the exact same way but deep down feel horrible about themselves because they do in fact have emotions other than anger. That’s just not going to work for me. Talk about dysfunctional.
See, I don’t want to be one of those moms on the news saying, “No, I had no idea he was building pipe bombs in our garage.”. I don’t want my boys to turn into workaholics, rage-aholics, alcoholics or any other a-holic just to numb the feelings that they aren’t “supposed” to feel. Uh uh. I want my boys to understand that emotions are normal and ok.
The tough part about this is that society still doesn’t believe that emotions are normal or ok. Boys are made fun of when they cry, even at very young ages. In organized sports, boys are told to “shake it off”, “man up”, “suck it up”, etc. They are called crybabies or pussies. NO! Little boys who get hit with line drives are going to cry. It hurts. They are little boys. There is nothing wrong or unnatural about them crying. If a little girl on a little league baseball team got hit with a line drive and started crying, all the coaches and parents would probably rush out there to check on her, make sure she’s ok, give her hugs and kisses and probably even tell her to sit out the rest of the game with a lollipop.
No wonder we have so many wars, high school kids shooting up their schools and men seeking power at all costs. We’ve raised them to be angry. Think of all the different emotions you can feel in just one day. Apply those same emotions to a man. If he is raised, as most boys are, to only show anger, then he would probably be angry most of the day. Every day.
So where do all those feelings go? No matter what they are taught, those feelings still exist. They are turned into anger and either directed inwardly or outwardly. Those are their only two options. Add to that the fact that they know they feel other emotions but that they are weak for feeling them and another layer of crap is dumped on them. Shame. If “real men” don’t feel emotions, but I do feel emotions, then I’m not a real man. That’s the message they receive loud and clear.
This leads to a whole variety of problems during childhood and even more later in life. Bullies, rageful criminals or withdrawn depressed kids are the results of these lessons. They end up becoming emotionally distant adults at best or violent abusers at worst. The women in these men’s lives are basically dealing with a “man” with the emotional maturity of a five year old. So, their relationships suffer, causing them more emotions that are not “manly” and they feel even worse about themselves. One of the theories on what causes narcissism speaks to this:
There are many theories regarding what causes a narcissistic personality disorder. Subsequently what you are about to read is one more theory, based on my experiences in treating many patients with narcissistic personality disorder. I have found definite commonalities between individuals from which one can draw conclusions regarding causation. As such, I believe one of the most common causes is impoverished self-esteem, occurring at a young age. These individuals often have a loss of a strong father figure in their lives. If they have not lost their father figure, then the father has been emotionally absent. These fathers are usually condescending, critical, and do not empower their children at a young age. Subsequently, as they grow older these children overcompensate for their lack of self-esteem, carrying with them some traits from their fathers such as the emotional distancing, while inflating their false sense of self worth. Sadly, individuals with narcissistic personality disorder really never find their true selves.
So, how do we stop this nonsense and let our boys and men know it’s ok and normal to experience all sorts of emotions and stop the spread of anger, abuse and self-loathing? I don’t have an answer to this question. It’s a societal problem that most people don’t seem to want to change, despite senseless, preventable events such as Columbine.
How I handle this with my boys is by telling them the sad truth. They have been told that society looks down upon boys who express emotions such as sadness, hurt and pain. They have also been told that while they do need to “suck it up” out there in the world in order to avoid being ridiculed and targeted by their peers and/or bullies, they do have a safe place in which to express any emotions they have. They are encouraged to do so here at home. I have explained that while it’s confusing, the fact is society doesn’t like it but that’s ridiculous and so home is a safe haven in which emotions are expressed freely. All of them.
There was a particularly grueling football practice last season. It was hot out. They practiced for 2 hours a day, every day of the week. It was a competitive league and the coaches were tough. This particular practice, my oldest son took some hard hits. By the end of practice he felt exhausted and beaten up. I saw as he walked towards me that he was fighting back tears. He was ten years old. I whispered to him that he did a great job at practice and to just hold it together until we got to the car. He nodded. Once we got to the car, he let it all out. By the time we got home, he felt fine. Tired, but fine. It was so simple. He didn’t have to keep all that bottled up forever, just until we got to the safety of our car, away from the other dads and boys who would most definitely have made fun of him if he had cried at football practice.
I understand that this most likely started long ago when men went to war, when their lives were consumed with hunting and fighting. This is no longer the case. Most men in today’s society have families with whom they spend time and go to work in a civilized office in a suit and tie. It’s time that we let our boys and men off the hook. It’s time that we accept them and their feelings, just as they accept us and ours.
Thanks for stopping by!
Excellent post.
I believe tolerance is a part of the solution. Our society lacks tolerance for anyone does not fit the standard mold. We are all individuals with uniqueness that makes the world go round. There seems to be a fear of anything that is outside of the box.
As the mother a son, I think about this topic a lot as well. In terms of supporting him in showing all types of emotions. I want him to feel free to laugh at himself, be silly, feel every emotion. I hope it will make him a well rounded man.
That’s true. Conformity. Ugh. I hate that word almost as much as, “should”. I too want my boys to be confident, well-adjusted men, not emotionally stunted boys pretending to be “manly” to fit in. I’m sure raising girls has it’s own set of challenges. Specifically, avoiding pregnancy and boys/men who treat them badly. Luckily, I don’t have to deal with that!
cyndi, thanks for the link and the credit
what a great post, and what a really important topic! i am so glad you wrote about this, really really glad. i too am from a family of girls, and i have a daughter and a son. it never occurred to me to treat them differently right from the start — a baby is a baby regardless of its genitals — although i was pretty freaked out about having a boy. but i figured my husband was one once, he’ll help me figure it out.
ah, no.
there are two things that have been so vital for my son on my end — besides me finding out that my husband actually can only exhibit anger as an emotional speed about 99% of the time. first, my kids defy the stereotypes big-time — my daughter is the one who “sucks it up” (her nickname for a while was Chill), who doesn’t like to show emotion, who holds it all in — she in fact is copying me and i am trying to change that for both our future mental health. my son is an emotional variety store, all out there for everyone to see — although he knows what he can “let” the other kids see at school, he knows he can let it all hang out here — and he is amazingly expressive and verbal. he would put to shame most adults who cannot express their feelings. from the time he was 2, he could say “i feel mad because it upset me when blah, blah, and that made me feel like she didn’t like me”. or “i was so disappointed that i could not see so-and-so today — it made me feel really sad that i was missing him and angry at his parents for changing the plans”…. you get the picture…
the second is that he is nothing like what my husband imagined a son would be. he does not have an interest in playing sports (well, except one fancy, elitist sport which my husband CAN’T coach or be involved in), doesn’t like motorcycles (crush my husband’s heart), and doesn’t want to run around outside and “be a boy”. no, he is into music and video games, reading and people. he is like me too, just a different version than my daughter is. he feels emotionally close to me and emotionally safe with me. at least he has someone he can bare his heart to — we all need that. i expect that barring something really bad my son will grow up to be a truly emotionally self-aware and mature man — i hope…
on the recommendation of a marital therapist a while back, i started reading the book “I Don’t Want to Talk About It” by Terrence Real, about male depression. i saw my husband in there so many times over. and the stories! oh my god, all those poor little boys inside all these men in pain with no society-approved exit! i cried through the whole thing (i am a bit of a sap..) but it breaks my heart when i look at my son and my husband, and i think of what we as a society are doing to our boys….
our daughters face a different world than we did — moms unite, and let’s do the same for our sons
I’ve picked that book up about 100 times. I’ve flipped through it. I’ve considered buying it for hubby. I know he won’t read it. He’s not into self-help books at all. I’ve considered reading it but was afraid that would trigger my “I-want-to-fix-everyone” thing and so I haven’t. But it may be a good idea for me to read it from a mother’s perspective.
You bring up another good point. Men seem to have this idea in their head that sons will automatically love the things they do and/or be better at sports (or whatever) than they were. They are not clones, they are their own people.
The other day at the park, there were two little boys around age 5 who were friends. They went over to the grass to wrestle, which quickly turned into a full blown fight. They were punching, hitting and kicking each other. I was horrified to see that their mothers sat not too far away uninvolved. One little boy was obviously more sensitive then his counterpart, and so the other offered the sensitive one a hug – and when the little boy when in for the hug the boy threw him to the ground and kicked him in the head.
I have a 3 year old son – and I do not want him growing up with this “tough guy” thing we have in our society! This is not the neanderthal times – men don’t have to hunt and kill on a daily basis.
As I once heard, the only difference between a surgeon with a knife and a soldier with a knife is the heart, which came from the training.
I would prefer to raise a surgeon than a soldier.
Great article on a topic that needs to be talked about more. I have always believed that the reason that most of the great composers and artists and poets have been men is because it is a powerful vehicle for them to channel their emotions which they are otherwise not free to express.
Oh, I love that. I prefer surgeons too. Plus, if they’re surgeons they’ll make lots of money and take care of their mommy, right?!
funny timing with this post. hubby and i just talked last night about how to channel younger son’s emotional outbursts. we don’t want to suppress his wonderfully emotive personality but he also needs to learn how to express it appropriately. so…..how does one do that exactly?
My youngest son has frequent outbursts too. He’s almost 9. It has been suggested to me that this is a way of “dumping” his emotions. He flies off the handle over something as ridiculous as having to take a shower. That irritates his father and I and we react emotionally by either expressing annoyance, yelling at him or something. This serves to kind of transfer his anger from himself to us. So…..what I’ve been told is that if we don’t react at all, he will no longer get the feeling of having transfered his feelings to us and will eventually stop the outbursts. Sounds great in theory doesn’t it? We haven’t been able to do this consistently though so if you come up with anything else PLEASE fill me in!
hi cyndi, my son (almost 12) also has frequent outbursts (i do have one funny story about this which i think is a post of its own) — frustration, anger, “i hate you”s… it kicks off a knee-jerk reaction in my husband who then yells, and my son yells back, and well, you know…. i agree with the not reacting, but i believe in order to change the pattern, the no-reaction needs a follow-up…
here is what i find works for my little guy (and why he trusts me with his feelings)… when he behaves like that, it totally makes my hair stand on end, so i just kind of do my own thing and try to tune it out. but what i do say is that when he is feeling a little calmer, maybe we could talk about why he is feeling so angry. he usually storms off, slams his door, whatever, and i don’t react. and wouldn’t you know it, he usually comes looking for me, and we sit down and talk (sometimes i have to go looking for him). i do sometimes guide him with finding the right words, but he is getting pretty good at learning what feelings trigger his reaction. and his outbursts are less and less frequent.
he once said to me that he is proud of himself for being good at controlling his feelings and understanding them. i told him i was proud of him too — that it is not easy, and that some adults never even get to that point. (he did say “yeah, like daddy?”)
my two cents
That’s excellent Lynette. It’s the not reacting part that we have yet to master consistently. It’s so annoying when a 9 year old has what boils down to a temper tantrum when he is told to take a shower, which he knows he has to do EVERY NIGHT!!!!!!!!
My older son is very open and talks to me a lot about his feelings. He only has outbursts once in a while and can usually explain them to me later, like your son.
Why do I have gray hair again?!
LOL! we have the hygiene issue too — what is it about this that boys do not get? actually in that case, i hope peer pressure will work, and just tell him that i don’t think he wants to be the kid with the BO problem… after talking to his friends’ moms, i think they are all like that. maybe it changes when they discover sexual interest (i was going to say girls, but don’t want to make assumptions or state a bias which i don’t have).
still not working for me yet
but i just ignore his ranting and kind of move him along, and before you know it, he is singing in the shower. i think it is a transition thing…
Great post! Wouldn’t normally think about these things, but reading it does make sense and make you go “huh!”
Of course, having raised boys, I can so relate to this. My boys also feel safe letting go here at home. But Middle Son J, my sensitive yet angry road rage son, was so sensitive in elementary school, he cried weekly. The teachers were concerned because he could never tell them why. But by the time he hit 4th grade, the teacher was REALLY desperate to get him to stop–saying he was way too old to be crying in school and that the kids would make fun of him. Eventually, a girl he liked DID make fun of his sensitivity, and now he has such a hard ass exterior. I believe this had something to do with it. He really is still sweet and mushy on the inside, though, and everyone who knows him, loves him just the way he is!
Oh boy….I think you just led me to another post. EVERY man seems to have developed a tough shell due to that one first girl who broke their heart. Some of these shells can never be penetrated again. I think this is tied to the way society expects them to behave and the complete shock at their rush of emotions the first time they are hurt by a girl.
I agree with everything you said. You are a good Mom and I wish there were more like you who let their sons be caring, feeling human beings (and not make them just be ‘men’)
Aw…thanks Lis! Who needs more assholes in this world, right? And I certainly don’t want to be the one raising one of those.
This describes my husband to a tee. Ironically, he bought me a Psychology Today and there was an article about NPD. I read it and the light bulb went off, it describe him to a tee. There was a name to my pain! He told me his father was abusive, he was never home, with other women, etc… His mother is overly submissive.
The more I read on this subject, the more I’m convinced he has a form of NPD. He has effectively distanced me from my family, friends and my 2 older sons from a previous marriage.
He’s very charming at first meet. But once you are around him for any lenght of time, he can’t find that anger for long. And it’s always someone else that is the cause of the problems or his failure.
I’m usually the target!
Problem is you can’t talk to him, you can’t get him to even begin to believe that he’s the problem, so it will never get better.
Do not send me email. He gets in and checks my email
I’m so sorry. Unfortunately, if he does have NPD you are right, it probably won’t ever get any better. I hope you are taking care of YOU. No one deserves to be a target, distanced from their support system or have their privacy invaded. {{hugs}}
NPD???
I assume PD stands for personality disorder….what does the N stand for?
Sorry…Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Just started following your blog…having a great time searching through all your posts. This one hit a chord with me. My book “Sensitivity 101 for the Heterosexual Male” talks about the same things, as I was a young boy trying to find myself after my parents got divorced and didn’t know where to turn. But thanks to some wonderful ladies I was able to learn 10 fantastic lessons, one of the best was “it is just fine to let your emotions flow.” And angry wasn’t one of them. I am now a follower of yours and wish you nothing but success.
Thank you so much, and welcome! I’ll be over to check out your book and your site.